Teary Days

It is just one of those times where all I want is to give up this inner fight that rages inside me, lie down in a ball and just...not be here anymore.

And what really frustrates me, is I have no idea why I feel this way. Sure, I am tired. I forgot last night...or technically REALLY early this morning, that I had told me mom I would fix something for her. The sheets with what the "240" employees owed in inservices, we had spent Monday doing, couldn't be copied because we had written it in pencil. WHO knew pencil didn't really show up in copies...it was dark too! So I had told her I would do it. And then forgot. You DON'T want to know when I remembered. I wasn't about to let her down, so I started working on it. On the first page I learned that writing OVER the pencil and then erasing is BAD. It smudged everything. So I had to look at what one person had, erase it, remember it and write it back down in pen...over and over. By 2 pages, and only having done up to letter E, my hand was cramping and starting to shake. Two hours later, lead covering my right hand and eraser filings surrounding my lil laptop desk, I was done. However, the shaking had taken over my entire right arm up to my shoulder.

When my Mom got up for work in the morning, she couldn't believe I had done that. She said I should've just forgotten about it, but then SHE would have had to do it. By this time my dad was up for work and was making himself breakfast. My father hates mornings that involve work, so he likes to push people's buttons, tease them or get a rise out of them...he thinks it's funny, even when he says something that someone else can find offensive. He thinks he is just kidding around but he can be rude, but not think so. Today, I don't remember WHAT we had been talking about, but he said something along the lines of "Your mother loves you...I don't know why", and as I turned to get a cup, it started bothering me...and as I poured koolaid, tears started falling faster and faster. My Dad didn't even notice, he was off on a "heehee" tangent, talking to the dog, but my Mom kept going "Uh Ken" and he was oblivious. By this time I was silently sobbing. My mom finally got it through to my Dad that I hadn't found his remark amusing. And he was like half laughing "Awww Wen" and giving me a hug...it wasn't until he backed up and saw my face, that he realized I was actually not okay. And I started openly sobbing. He was really quite apologetic and hugged me a lot, but I just couldn't seem to stop crying. Even after he apologized like 5 times and I tried to stop, and he left, I couldn't shake it. My Mom kept going up to me and hugging me, because the tears just kept coming. She told me it was okay, that I was stressed and tired, and needed to catch up on my sleep. So I took my medicine and lay down on the couch, watching one of my tv shows and the next thing I now it's 5 hours later. So I dragged my self upstairs and slept for 5 more hours. When I woke up, everyone else was gone, school, work, etc. So I went on my errands, picked up Journey to the Center of the Earth at Walmart (love Brendan Frasier), stopped by the library, etc. When I got home, the parents were both home, and awhile later my mother came downstairs and just seeing her...I started tearing up again. I told her I had no idea why I was crying again.

It's like I can't stop...and I have no idea why. When I started typing how I started crying before, I teared up ALL over again. It just feels like I am not in control of myself. All I want is to curl in a ball and hide myself away. I HATE feeling these feelings, they are familiar, but that NEVER makes it any easier! It just makes me want to give up, just let the depression and other crap, take over and swallow me whole. I am just extremely tired of it all.

Okay enough of this...I am going to go get my Horror Movie book out and pick out a passage to post, since Halloween is 3 days away...actually less now, and deserves proper Halloween respect. Okay so ignore me, I had to vent. Sorry. Let me go find my book.