Friday, December 17, 2010

Progresso Soup Can Spark Giveaway

Thanks to MYBLOGSPARK, I got to try one can of Chicken Tortilla Progresso Soup and one can of Light New England Clam Chowder Progresso soup.While no one in my family cared for the Chicken Tortilla, finding it too spicy for our palates, my sister stole the Light Chowder for work before I even knew it was missing. It is one of her favorite soups by Progresso, so her opinion, is that it is awesome and she loves being able to have clam chowder still but with less guilt.

Giving you a taste worth talking about with new varieties, Progresso continues to provide convenient options made to taste great and encourage good food choices, too. It’s important to make food choices for yourself and for your family that are both satisfying to your taste buds and nutritious.


Progresso® New World Recipes™ – Inspired by Mexican recipes, explore one of the fastest growing ethnic cuisines by giving the Progresso New World Recipes line a try. Made with authentic Mexican ingredients and seasonings, four new Progresso soups will be hitting grocery shelves near you - Chicken Tortilla, Meatball & Rice, Black Bean Jalapeno and Chicken & Vegetable.

Progresso Light - America’s number one Light soup just got better, as all 13 existing Progresso Light varieties are now packed with bigger pieces of white meat chicken, more tender pieces of beef or added vegetables. Need even more to talk about? Progresso Light New England Clam Chowder is the first creamy
Light ready-to-serve soup that holds true to the Progresso Light name with just 1 Weight Watchers® POINTS® value per serving!

Progresso Reduced Sodium – With 49 percent of shoppers concerned about high cholesterol1, Progresso understands the importance of soluble fiber and reduced sodium diets. New Reduced Sodium Tomato Parmesan soup is one more tasty option that has a delicious blend of flavors and carries the “May Help Lower
Cholesterol”2 benefit. In addition, five additional Reduced Sodium soups also carry the “May Help Lower Cholesterol”2 benefit.

Progresso High FiberWith 9 out of 10 Americans not getting the recommended Daily Value of fiber, Progresso High Fiber line of soups are packed with 7 grams per serving. Giving you one more thing to talk about, Progresso brand’s first Chili Soup just joined the High Fiber family!


For more information about the new and improved varieties of Progresso soups as well as great recipe ideas, visit www.progressosoup.com today! Also, check out Progresso on Facebook to “Like” the brand and keep up with the latest news on your favorite Progresso products, both new and old!

Giveaway!!!

The winner’s prize pack will include VIP coupons for two cans of Progresso soup, a spoon rest, a soup can rack and a soup mug with matching spoon.

To Win:

Leave a Comment about which flavor soup you really buy...1 Entry

Tweet about this and Leave Proof...1 Entry

Follow My Blog...1 Entry

Add My Button to Your Page...2 Entries

BLOG About my Giveaway and Leave me the URL...5 Entries

*PLEASE LEAVE A COMMENT FOR EACH ENTRY!!!

Giveaway ends Sunday, December 26th , 2010!

*T
he product, information and prize packs were all given to me from Progresso through MyBlogSpark.

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Cinnamon Burst Cheerios Spark




Thanks to MYBLOGSPARK, I got to try the newest flavor of Cheerios. New Cinnamon Burst Cheerios.

New Cinnamon Burst Cheerios will delight your taste buds with the delicious flavor of real cinnamon and the perfect balance of at least 8g of whole grain per serving; at least 48g recommended daily. Cinnamon Burst Cheerios contains 20% of the Daily Value of fiber (or 5g per serving), has 9g of sugar, is low in fat, saturated fat free and naturally cholesterol free. Made with real cinnamon, Cinnamon Burst Cheerios delivers a surprisingly wholesome eating experience, providing your family with a delicious and nutritious breakfast that is sure to kick-start any morning!


I personally found the cinnamon a little strong. It would seem pleasant at first then have a fiery after-bite. But hey, I am not a huge fan of cinnamon, but I can see people I know ADORING this. I personally am an Original or a Honey Nut girl myself. Go Cheerios!

video

*(The Cinnamon Burst Cheerios and Flip camera were all given to me from Cheerios and MyBlogSpark.)

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Thursday, December 2, 2010

Yoplait Frozen Smoothie WINNER!!

The winner of the 3-speed Kitchen-Aid blender and coupon for 2 Yoplait Smoothies isssss............


Jen of Get Lucky!


Please send me your full name and address to my email so I can send that information along!

And stay tuned, I have 2 Blogsparks coming up!

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Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Yoplait Frozen Smoothie Spark Giveaway


Thanks to MYBLOGSPARK, I got to try two of the flavors of Yoplaits new frozen smoothies! I chose Triple Berry and Strawberry Mango Pineapple, though there is also Blueberry Pomegranate and Strawberry Banana.

Are you among the seven out of every ten individuals who don’t eat the recommended two servings of fruit per day (1 full cup)?

Yoplait® Frozen Smoothies are a quick and easy solution to help you get those important nutrients, plus a whole lot more, and now they’re available in a new, delicious Blueberry Pomegranate flavor!

Each package of Yoplait Frozen Smoothies contains one full serving of fruit (1/2 cup) and only 110 to 120 calories per serving. In addition to containing live and active cultures provided by Yoplait® yogurt, when prepared with skim milk and made according to package directions, Yoplait Frozen
Smoothies are also a good source of calcium.

As seen on The Biggest Loser, which airs on Tuesdays at 8/7c on NBC, Yoplait Frozen Smoothies are also easy to make! To whip up perfectly blended smoothies in a snap, simply empty the package containing Yoplait frozen yogurt chips and frozen fruit into your blender, add skim milk, and blend. It’s that easy!

I used the
handy Smoothie button on my blender, which blends ingredients at optimal speeds for deliciously smooth results. In just two minutes, I was able to enjoy a great tasting Yoplait Frozen Smoothie as a guilt-free snack.



Found in the frozen fruit aisle of your local grocery store, Yoplait Frozen Smoothies come in four delicious flavors, including: Blueberry Pomegranate, Triple Berry, Strawberry Banana, and Strawberry Mango Pineapple.

Don’t forget to visit Yoplait on Facebook and Yoplait on Twitter and “Like” or “Follow” the brand to keep up with their latest and greatest products.

My sisters and I decided to all try them out together. Sandy really liked the Strawberry Mango Pineapple. But we all agreed you could NOT taste pineapple AT ALL and barely mango also. Sandy swears she could taste banana though which was funny. We realized this needed to be blended more because we got chunks of yogurt which did not taste good chewing. I liked the simple cool flavor of
the strawberries, but was very sad I couldn't taste the pineapple.

Katie loved the Triple Berry, it had "a kick" that she needed from a smoothie. She drank most of the whole package, loving the kick of blueberry the most. I found it very interesting but too strong for my taste, I liked the first more, but I could see the appeal. I am not a huge fan of blueberries, so I could see how that might influence my taste.

And the Kitchen-Aid Blender made it all SO easy to make. I used the High button first to break up the big chunks and then the Smoothie button just ground it into a smooth mixture. It is a amazing piece of kitchen machinery!

Click HERE to be taken to a link to the Yoplait Frozen Smoothies mini microsite, which your readers can visit to receive an online coupon for $1.25 off any one flavor of Yoplait Frozen Smoothie.

GIVEAWAY!!!


To Win:

Leave a Comment about which flavor Smoothie you most want to try...1 Entry

Tweet about this and Leave Proof...1 Entry

Follow My Blog...1 Entry

Add My Button to Your Page...2 Entries

BLOG About my Giveaway and Leave me the URL...5 Entries

*PLEASE LEAVE A COMMENT FOR EACH ENTRY!!!

Giveaway ends Wednesday, December 1st , 2010!

NOT listing this on Prizey people so sign up!!!

*
Yoplait provided me with the product, and information, and KitchenAid® provided me with the 3-speed KitchenAid® blender through MyBlogSpark.

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Saturday, November 6, 2010

Cut Off

I am feeling basically ruled by my disorders as of late. Even with the now 5 medications to try and control my depression, anxieties, OCD and BiPolar, I feel like they are crushing me down and cutting off my air supply. They are also making the few things I enjoyed before, things I just can't enjoy.

I feel no motivation to DO anything anymore. It is hard to just get out of bed, I really don't want to, I want to sleep all the time. So when you just want to sleep, you have no energy. I have been sucking back 5 Hour Energy drinks just to stay awake and be around my family. Which makes Sandy worry as caffeine is apparently not good for BiPolars but I need my family. So I am barely on the computer at all, so that means I am lucky if I play catch up on reading blogs. The thought of actually writing blogs seems stupid, as it seems like I will just lose you all if I am depressing day after day. And I can't lose my only friends. I don't talk to anyone else.

I rarely go to the movies anymore. And I definitely don't go by myself anymore, which used to get me out of the house if I felt trapped. And you know I am a movie-holic.

I lay here on the couch and I am confused. It was cry ALL the time. Then a scary deadness inside. Now it feels like I am not good, but not bad, but while you may think that is good, it isn't. But I have this utter feeling of trepidation that something is hanging over my head and the minute I believe that it will come crashing down on me and hurt worse than the crying pain. I know you might think I am crazy, but I know when things are bad in me, when they are not right, when they are wrong. And what I am feeling feels wrong. It scares me, not assures me. I have a feeling the ground beneath me is very thin, and I am being set up to fall through to a much darker pain. Because Lucifer knows I have given up. I told my Mom that. I'm done. She told me she will try for me while I can't try for me for now, which made me cry of course. I am just so tired and want it to be over. But as a good Mormon, I want it to be God's will and he want me to go "home" now too.

Thank goodness for my mother. If I didn't have her to talk to, who knows what I would do sometimes. When you are so out of control, emotion wise, it is hard to control yourself. Luckly she gets it, she had depression so she understands a lot of what I talk about. She talks me through tough spots until I am feeling like I got the feelings I felt trapped inside me, OUT.

So I am sorry I am being a sucky blog friend. I am not much of a person anymore if it makes you feel better. I am tired all the time, and the newer meds are making me even more tired...and peeing all the time, I am an old lady. I will have a giveaway soon. Get to try smoothies so have to do that soon.

I wish I was stronger. I feel like I am letting so many people in different parts of my life down. I am just tired of ME.

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Thursday, October 28, 2010

Life As We Know It Review

I went with my parents to see "Life as We Know It" the other day, and while my Dad claimed it was a "girly" movie, I beg to differ. After all, poop was involved. If poop is involved, that makes it a movie for both men and women in my opinion. And there is the fact that it was really funny and has Josh Duhamel for the ladies and Katherine Heigel for the men. And as a ABC soap-a-holic I HAVE to point out Josh got his start as All My Children's Leo and claims it and is proud of it, another bonus/star for him!

The premise of the movie is Holly (Heigel) and Messer (Duhamel) are set up on a date. She by her BFF, he by his. It is disasterous debacle, leaving them loathing the other. Which ends up being difficult as their BFF's get married. Get pregnant. Have their baby Sophie and name them god-parents. All of this leaves them stuck together more than they can stand. And then they both recieve the call you never want to get. You best friends are dead. Sophie is alone. Holly and Messer band together at this time in grief and wait for Sophie to be returned back to her home and to hear what her future is. They never imagined their friends would leave custody to the two of them in their house.

They love Sophie and they want her to be happy so they attempt to take care of a baby, which they actually know nothing about. Learning to change diapers, what babies eat, how to stop the screaming, this is all new to Holly and Messer, and the only person they have to count on is...the other?! How can that be when they loathe the very sight of each other? And what happens when Messer gets offered a job in a different state? Can these two messed up adults grow up and be parents to Sophie? Or will they need to give Sophie up so that she can be raised by someone who wants her?

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Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Miss Swann at Halloween

Monday, October 18, 2010

Book Review - You Changed My Life by Max Lucado

This gift book is classic Max Lucado. And I LOVE it! Lucado is such an uplifting author and he continues to do so here. His topics cover things from kindness to compassion, and you are then given inspirational stories of ordinary people doing extraordinary things. A bunch of short stories to get you to start thinking on your own, and maybe of people in your own life who have made a major impact on how your life was changed for the better. It really makes you THINK.

This book IS perfect for gift-giving. Give it to someone who you feel has made a difference in your life who deserves the recognition of such a book. I can think of a few people who deserve this book, so I may have to purchase a few copies, plus I want to keep my copy for myself. Max really finds a way to get into your heart, and he succeeded again with me.

Disclosure of Material Connection: I received this book free from the publisher through the BookSneeze.com http://BookSneeze.com book review bloggers program. I was not required to write a positive review. The opinions I have expressed are my own. I am disclosing this in accordance with the Federal Trade Commission’s 16 CFR, Part 255 http://www.access.gpo.gov/nara/cfr/waisidx_03/16cfr255_03.html> : “Guides Concerning the Use of Endorsements and Testimonials in Advertising.”

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Wednesday, October 13, 2010

October Birthday

It was Katie's Birthday yesterday. The poor thing is sick as a dog though. She called in sick and went to the doctors for her birthday. She has a sinus infection and is on the VERGE of bronchitis. Yuck. Katie really hates her job at my Mom's facility, she is way over-extended, not treated very well and the equipment she has to work with is limited and not very good. Not what she is used to working with. She interviewed at another place recently. It was a longshot, they said they had a list of people wanting the position. It is 32 hours versus 40. The facility is redone and bright and you get like a max of 6 patients at a time there. They do things off grounds, etc. It just sounded perfect for Katie. She was at the top of the list with another woman. Well they made her an offer. 32 hours, a dollar more an hour than she is getting now and they sound ex cited for her to join them. We told her she should give herself a birthday present and QUIT on her birthday! She didn't want them as a reference, she had only worked there 2 weeks so to just quit and take this other job. But she was unsure. The only thing we could convince her to do was call in and leave a message for her boss that she was calling out sick.

Well she decided on her birthday she did know one thing, she didn't want to go back to work at that job so she called her boss. What did he spend 5 minutes doing before she could get a word in edgewise? Lecturing her on how she wasn't ALLOWED to to call in sick for 90 days. She didn't have sick days to call up and say she wasn't showing up for work because she was sick. He didn't care that her doctor TOLD her she was contagious for the next 48 hours, he needed to spend 5 whole minutes berating her. All I know that happened next is Katie said "I think we have a bigger problem"....Oooh I wish I had the time to grill her about this call!

Anyway she was sick so we stayed in. Though if she is better I may be dragged, kicking an screaming to the Haunted Graveyard on Saturday as an extension of her birthday. We brought in Olive Garden after MUCH debate, Katie sick and depressed means she can't make up her mind for about an hour. While people went to get it, I showered. Then we ate dinner around the table and talked. Then we did presents. I went first, I got her the first season of Army Wives, which she loved. Yay. Sam got her a sweater and a mix cd. She also got clinique make-up, Frederick's of Hollywood underwear (yuck TMI), gift certificates, Disney's Robin Hood, Mulan, hair stuff, enzymes, another sweater she wanted, a gorgeous Rennaisance-y blouse from The Pyramid Collection (look up their web page!! WOW!) AND a Garmin Navigation system for the cars. Her OWN "Gabby". She was quite spoiled and pleased.

Then we watched Robin Hood and it had been a long time, that movie is so good. We had her "cake" which was 2 apple pies, a traditional one and a crumb top one. The second is my kind. As soon as the movie was over, my Dad helped her up to bed, at 10pm (!!) and there wasn't a peep from her again.

Sick on your birthday bites.

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Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Debbie Downer

Sorry that I haven't been posting or commenting. I am really mad at myself actually. It's not a vacation thing or a choice. It's more of a motivation thing. See, I don't have any, in regards to anything. Blogging, going to the movies, getting out of the house a lot...I'm not doing that. Except for forcing myself to do grocery shopping and errands, I am basically shutting myself in. I can't seem to help it, I have just lost all interest in everything. This bout of depression or whatever it is, is one of the scariest I have ever dealt with. It gets worse, never any better.

And circumstances are not helping improve the feeling. That endo. appointment being cancelled, when I had anxiously awaited it for 2 months to get the blood test results was a blow. Having them not fit me in for another 2 months, that turned into a stab. The fact that I have had to put away a lot of my clothes because they are not fitting has torn my self esteem apart. I feel like the surgery was a waste. I feel so fat and ugly, it has made me cry so much, like right now talking about it. I have had people who shattered my trust return to turn those shards into ground dust and make me choke on it. Everything makes me cry. Everything is just too hard. I can't take it.

I tell you if it weren't for two things, I probably wouldn't be here. I probably would have done something reckless to make the pain stop. If it weren't for the fact that I believe so much in my Mormon religion and if it weren't for my Mom, who is my sounding board and right now, my strength, I think I would have taken a bunch of my very potent drugs and just gone to sleep so I never had to wake up. I know it's morbid but these thoughts go through my brain a lot. My Mom says it's natural to think like this when you feel like I do...I don't know.

And my sisters I thought would be more understanding. I thought they would get how extremely bad things were for me, how this was unlike anything I've had, at least in more than 7 or more years. Katie, well, she is just so busy with her new job and her friends that I barely exist. Which is better than how things are with Sandy. Sandy I thought maybe would be a krutch for me, would get that I was dangerously broken. But whether she is off herself or whatever, I can't count on her. If she isn't yelling at me about not helping enough with cleaning the house, then she is yelling at me about not helping make meals. It's not like I am deliberately not trying to be helpful. She really doesn't get that I have no motivation or fight in me. That just getting out of bed or taking a shower lately takes a lot out of me. She doesn't get that I stay up even later lately and spend time helping my Mom get ready for work, just to be around my Mom, because it gives me comfort and sometimes even strength. I just wish she would open her eyes and see what a dangerous path I am on right now. I am walking atop the edge of a razor blade that seems to go on forever. One wrong move and I am going to fall and slice myself in two, dying. I wish she could understand that ME, I am afraid to be alone in my own head. It is scary and lonely and is basically my enemy now.

I keep descending into darkness on this roller coaster from Hell. It keeps plummeting and I am screaming my head off, but it never stops. There's no safety bar, so I can barely keep myself from falling into the dark abyss.

I am just so tired. I have given up. I have no more try left in me. It's scary how I am feeling and I worry. I feel...lost. I just want to get in bed and go to sleep and never think again, just stay in limbo forever. It's safer there.

Sorry if you read the whole thing and it got you down. This is my blog and this is how I am doing. I am doing bad. We decide this Sunday if the Wellbutrin is helping me or worsening my depression. I don't know, I can't see it. I just see DEPRESSION, period.

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Thursday, September 23, 2010

Mmmmm TV

Just a quick post as I still feel like I can't breathe and keep crying and so that kinda dampens my mood and feeling like blogging. So I decided to go somewhere nowhere near my emotional feelings.

Fall TV so far. Yup, one of my true loves. The returning shows so far? Gossip Girl is good, I think once they are back in NY, all of them, it will be better. Chuck and House I am waiting to watch with my Mom and sisters...yes it DOES kill me. And Castle I have to wait for Sandy to watch, agghh! Okay Glee was AWESOME!! The music was incredible and I actually ended up feeling for Beiste at the end even though she was so mean to Artie and Finn. I can't wait for next week's episode!! NCIS was really good, though Sean Murray (McGee) looks way TOO thin! I am worried about him now! One Tree Hill is GOOD, I was so relieved that someone finally found Clay and Quinn's bodies! And Life Unexpected is great too. Criminal Minds was good, but I am so upset JJ is leaving next week for ever. Survivor...interesting people, but it seems unfair to pit the young versus the old. Vampire Diaries is AWESOME!!!! I was in shock when Damon snapped Jeremy's neck, and was so relieved he had the ring on!! And I was so shocked Caroline was turned!! Totally not expecting that turn of events.

And what new shows have I given a chance?

Well first there was Hellcats, yes a cheerleading show and I like it! It is like Bring It On every week, and I love that! Nikitae is one is also a new fave. I was afraid it would feel JUST like the USA show which I had watched for a few seasons and in the first episode it changed my mind and showed me this is a reinvention of Nikita and it is a GOOD one, this show is hot!!

Hawaii Five-O was the most amazing show. I adored everything about it. Action, my gorgeous Alex, hilarious Scott Caan, and Chin and Kona rounding out the team perfectly. And we have a bigger mystery of what does that key open, something Steve's father had been trying to figure out, and apparently there are dirty cops in the HPD. This show was FUN, and the relationship between Steve and Danny is priceless!

I also enjoyed The Event. You know it is funny. I told my Mom, I think Lost prepared me for this show. With all of Lost's flashback's into different times in their pasts, the flash forwards and the sideways world, I was able to keep up with the here is one character and 23 minutes ago, then 8 days ago, then this character and 1 year ago, etc. I think Lost made it possible for me to keep it all straight in my head.

But the other show on Monday that I really liked, as much as Hawaii Five-O, was Chase. It is a kick butt show and it is led by a woman. It seems she is the center of the team, so it is kind of a female empowered show. They are all US Marshalls chasing bad guys, man seriously chasing, and it just clicked with me, I like it and hope it stays! Definitely better than Jay Leno Show re-runs.

I still have to give Undercovers a shot. And a couple more shows not yet premiered. Plus The Mentalist starts up again tomorrow, AND Bones and Fringe. And Smallville, Medium and Supernatural on Friday. And then Desperate Housewives and Brothers & Sisters on Sunday. I LOVE TV Premiere time, it is so exciting to finally have those cliffhangers resolved!

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Friday, September 17, 2010

It wasn't Safe to Come Out of the Water

First, I want to respond to those who suggested why not just go private? Well there are two reasons. One, I'd be giving more control to those I foolishly invited to read this blog long ago, I want to be able to be found by new readers and meet great new people like I have met some of you. And two, this was discussed with my family later Wednesday night as we ate cookies and milk. And from what I have seen and sadly learned, I believe these people would be so angry and petty they did not have access to what I was saying or could be saying about them, that they would break any deal made, until my page was made public again or until thy were invited to read it. Because when I talked about not getting new readers my Dad was like, have your page now be a synopsis of what you are about and invite people who are interested to email you and you can email them an invite to a private blog page or something like that. But when I presented my theory that these people would demand access, most agreed with me. Maybe I didn't include it but they don't want to be mentioned by US anywhere on the entire internet, not even "alluded" to, which is ridiculous I KNOW. So no giving them fake names to talk about them because so far, they can't agree to stop reading my blog.

Even on PRIVATE sites AND blogs, they never want to be mentioned by name, relationship or alluded to. So this is a whole other side to paranoia. Sandy asked these people what if I accidentally mention you in the next 5 years and they actually think no slip up should be made for at least 10 years. I don't know what perfect world they think they are living in, but they need to get their heads out of the...clouds. Of course I was going to say clouds.

Anyways, I cried a lot last night. Couldn't get the whole incident out of my brain. Did not help me at all, that is for sure. So Thursday was supposed to be a calm down day. I knew it was going to be difficult for however long it takes to reach a decision and I know for ME, it was going to take time, for this to not bother me SO much. To get over seeing in person the lack of faith in me, to have someone question my trust so unjustly, to try and calm the anger that IS justified at people, and I held so much back. I hurt last night.

So today it was nice to go out to dinner with my parents and sisters at a diner. We got home and us girls were watching a Chuck. And that is when the girls started getting texts from the people we hadn't expected to hear from again, wanting to come over again. I had to work so hard to keep calm, not cry or get angry or weepy. I kept expecting the deal to be brought up, to hear what wasn't working for them or if they wanted to agree or whatever, I was on EDGE. Nothing, just reminiscing. Such a let down. I wanted it to be just over.

So no I wasn't allowed, nor was the family allowed to have a drama free day. I think even those excited about the visits, also felt the stress, as it was just there. I just...it was more than I was prepared for. I am worried I am headed for a big anxiety attack. BIG.

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Thursday, September 16, 2010

Some Days Just Stay In Bed

It wasn't the day I had imagined the night before. I thought Wednesday was going to be a sleepy slow day. I thought I might make meatballs with my Mom so we could had subs on Friday. I thought we might watch a few episodes of Chuck on TV later that night. But it wasn't to be.

Instead I was woken by Sandy and told I needed to be dressed in 15 minutes. Something major familial wise was going on and I knew it wasn't going to be easy or pleasant. And I knew I wasn't prepared for it. I hadn't had time to get used to the idea, and I knew I wasn't ready for it mentally. I know I am doing badly. I don't need someone else to tell me that. I was THE one who told my doctor how bad I was doing which is why I am trying another new med. So this isn't a shocker, I was not strong enough to handle something like this. Not today, not this week, not this month. Right now I can admit I am the weak link. I am struggling just to live through each day.

I AM sorry I cannot say what familial crisis I am talking about, I am not allowed to. In the beginning of my blogging it was up to me, now I don't have control over everything, which is ironic. This blog is for me, to get MY thoughts and feelings out, to be therapeutic for ME, but because I foolishly invited some to read it, I now have to monitor myself. That gives them control over me, which is not cool. Someone with my mental disabilities struggles to fight for the control back, and people who were meant to care are also taking some control away from me. Strange. Everything, everyone has control of me, but ME.

So the family meeting...it was a killer. I know, I personally felt battered, bruised and hurt. I am not used to having my trust come into question withing any part of the family. When I give my word on something, that is it. Because I don't give it lightly, not for years. It isn't as easy to get me to promise something as it used to be, I have to truly believe I can do it. And I don't lie either. Sandy says I can't lie. According to her even what I consider my straight face when I try, looks like I am going to laugh. And then I can only hold it like 15 seconds before I am laughing for real. I no longer am comfortable lying, unless I am trying to joke. So to have my word doubted when there is no basis for it to be questioned not only hurt like I was stabbed, it felt uncalled for.

I had kept all my promises, I had kept all my deals, even though other people had NOT kept theirs which at times made me ponder going back on MY promises. But I couldn't do it, that is not who I am. There is someone in particular I do not want to see hurt and I made promises directly to that person, so I tried to keep that in mind when the anger got really bad. And the anger was deserved. Especially tonight, when certain things were revealed. Like the fact that people who swore they would not read this anymore, never stopped. So they know things I never wanted them to know. Like me being Bi Polar and being on Lithium, etc. I feel like they deliberately invaded my privacy and that makes me feel really vulnerable and like they don't respect me.

Nothing has been decided after all this struggle and pain. Talking must go on and final thoughts must be given before a final decision on the subject is reached. Basically I just really want my parents to be happy. I would like some privacy back, Sandy reads my blog that was the whole point, her reading it to reassure him, trust me it isn't YAY on my part all the time, when I am pissed at her she reads it HELLO! So that should be enough, she has done a good job. I want my parents to smile more and be happy and laugh. I want them to look forward to emails and packages in the mail and stuff like that.

Me? I am pretty used to not being okay. If I could ensure my parents happiness and get my sisters squared away with jobs in their chosen careers, they could really just take me now. There's really not anything left for me and I am so tired. So Tired all the time. No I am not morbid, just realistic. I really have nothing left in me. Not even fight.

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Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Am I the Only One With Their Arm Raised??!

Or is there someone else who bought Season One of Glee and Fringe Season 2, and Prince of Persia and Letters to Juliet today? *pants* Raise your hand if you lost that huge of a chunk of change like me? C'mon my arm is getting tired!!!

Well if you didn't you miss things like this, that's right you can hear it but you can't SEE it:

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Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Trying To Drive me WONKY!!


I swear to you it is TRUE!! The grocery store is trying to drive me completely insane!! Each Monday I have gone for the last month, something else has changed or moved or is different, it is confusing as all get out!

And they are making the aisles SMALLER too, my Dad noticed that one, it is like being in Walmart now. To get past another cart you have to really maneuver carts or scrape handles, and you never had to do that at Stop and Shop before!! This might have something to do with the competition we are "getting", a Shop Rite and a BJ's, but I think that makes no sense. We got a Price Chopper and S&S did nothing and Price Chopper is closer than either of these other 2 stores marked destinations.

But they started changing the store weeks ago nonetheless. And some of the pairings are REALLY weird combinations. Why would soda go with bread? Why put soups and mac and cheese on the other side of the juice aisle?! Why is the magazine aisle now sharing an aisle with the rice and canned veggies?!!! It makes no sense at ALL!! I have no sense of where anything is ANYMORE!

They have changed some aisles over the course of the last like 15 years, but one aisle has never changed. Aisle 2 has always been cookies, crackers and coffee and teas. GONE!!! They had some weird combo that horrified me. It is all the way down in aisle 8 now! Horrifying! And the bargain aisle, things on sale that week? GONE. What the flip?!! I have to LOOK myself! What kind of a shopper do you take me for?!

And then there aisles with food only on one side, the other side empty and covered in clear plastic. There are several of these. If there isn't enough food, WHY can't we have our bigger aisles back? They are even messing with the freezer section, they added another side and put the food usually on the right, onto the left....now the left is empty....say what?! And the bakery used to have a big case for their rolls and bagels, now it's gone and there is a baby size one for rolls in its' place. Bagels...I have no idea if they are gonna make bagels, who knows!

They already took away the baby Dunkin Donuts a few months ago and now all this! It took us almost 2 hours to grocery shop Monday because it was like shopping on vacation. You have no clue where anything is! I felt like I was going nuts, this is MY grocery store, so why did it feel like foreign soil?!!

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Monday, September 13, 2010

NEW Pillsbury's Sweet Moments Winner!!!

Well I hate to practice tough love but it is NOT my job to email winners of my giveaways, I have done it before when I have the time, but sometimes I have no time. Hey I have stuff going on too. So sadly for one person, the 48 hours is UP.

HAPPILY for another, is we have a NEW winner.........Rich and Mallory!!!! Congrats!!

Please email me with your info within 48 hours or a new winner will be picked.

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Saturday, September 11, 2010

Fragmented Thoughts

*My thoughts truly are quite fragmented lately, going from subject to subject. Part of me feels like I really have nothing new to say, part feels like I have plenty to say. It makes me want to hit myself in the gut!

*Max, as I wrote on Facebook re-hurt his bad paw. This paw that had a nail that kept cracking on him. It was so bad, hurt wise, he was on antibiotics to heal the skin around it. Then my Dad left with him on his daily breakfast jaunt, and was almost immediately back inside cradling him. His entire paw was covered in blood and it was bad. Luckily my Mom was just getting up for work so she cleaned it as I held him. He was looking away the whole time, his lower legs shaking! My Mom got most of the blood away from the areas not bleeding but that nail area, the skin bed and nail, if you touched it at all, blood would gush all over again. It was so hard to see, I was shaking too, I couldn't stand seeing Maxie bleed like that. Dad made an appointment for 11:45 the earliest he could get one. Mom bandaged Max up and he let me hold him for another 20 minutes. He wouldn't take any food!! Max loves food, especially meat!! He got down and when he is bandaged he acts like we chopped off a whole appendage, it was like that foot was no longer there so it was truly pathetic and sad. The doctor ended up agreeing THIS time that the nail was hurting Max, he in a way soldered it off really far, barely anything is left. Max left that bandage alone and is still limping a few days later. I think it hurts and it breaks your heart to see him struggle to jump onto the couch, etc. I keep helping him. He's my baby.

*I finally had my appointment with my psychiatrist this week. I don't do well at these appointments. He doesn't speak much, and I don't speak much, so my Mom says it is an interesting sight to behold. He is ancient too, so I don't feel like I have a thing in common with him. He is so old, he looks like he has been hanging out with the crypt keeper...what? It's true. I swear if he ever gets quiet AND still, I am going to think he died. Oy. I know I have veered off again. We talked about the Lithium making me SO thirsty and how I pee like every 25 minutes almost. He wasn't really interested in how I felt I was doing on the Lithium, and I had opinions from both my parents and both my sisters. I did manage to get in the big thing though. That I am really depressed. He only asked how it manifested, which frankly confused me. I was thinking what the crap is he talking about?!! I looked to my Mom while he wasn't looking with panic and she made a sign of tears, and it clicked in my brain and I was able to answer that I was crying ALL the time, which IS what I am doing ALL the time. The smallest thing, thinking I could lose Max for some reason and I am bawling and it hurts so badly. So his suggestion was to add Wellbutrin on top of my other anti-depressant. So once I start this new medication, besides Ambien so I can sleep, I will be on 5 medications. Seems so scary.

*People caused some trouble again. Said I had a photo bucket page with photos of certain people and full names and birthdates, etc. I have never even used photobucket!! I did a search after and so did Sandy and neither of us could find these supposed pictures. Today Sandy talked to those people and they provided a direct link and it was under my username. It was over a year old and contained a stencil I had used with those photos on a scrapbook program online. I had created a collage and sent it out in email form, the only way I am "allowed" to send photos. Apparently the program signed me up automatically for photobucket without my permission and saved those pics on there. So they have been there for over a year. And "people" decided to start doing searches using my email address, which makes me feel really creeped out and like my privacy is being invaded. No, I had NO idea these THREE pics from a year ago were online, but Sandy knows all my passwords so she deleted the whole account. Do I care that she did? No, only if she thinks I made that account and she says she believes programs can sign you up for others when you think you are signing up for one. So she says she knows I didn't do it. I just want my family, and that would be the people here, to know I didn't create any account. Yeah they can hurt me, I am just that sensitive, but I feel nothing for them now. I don't think there is even an ounce of love left there. They killed it. I don't think it makes me cold, I just think it makes me a person who has learned not to touch the scalding pot anymore. I finally know what to do, to not get burned. Some people are just not good for you.

*Did you know that "Kick-Ass" really did? I so think I might want to be Hit-Girl for Halloween. She was my FAVE character in that whole very loud movie!

*"Killers" with Ashton Kutcher and Katheryn Heigl was actually REALLY good! My Dad liked it even and he is SO picky! All us girls loved it, it was just a good time!

*Vampire Diaries returned last night, and it was so good!! I was so sad to see the hour end and I am already on pins and needles until next week. Katherine IS a B&^*(!! And I am liking this remake of Nikita. So far. If it ends up turning into what USA already told, I will turn it off forever, but if it stays original, I am in! I also loved Hellcats, Aly and Ashley have good chemistry and there are definite cuties on the show!

*I bought 3 series on dvd this week alone. Criminal Minds, Chuck and Supernatural. I was so not happy with how buying Supernatural went. I drove down to Target. Sold OUT!! I asked if they could check in back and they said they had sold those out too. Did they offer me any knowledge of when they would have more? NO. So I am pissed. This was THE one I was looking forward to the most! It was MY JENSEN!! So I drove all the way to Meriden's Target. I go in and look for the DVD section and find the regular Supernatural section...empty. So I go and find the lady and she follows me back so she can scan the spot and tell me if there is more in back. NO. Offer of any knowledge of when they will have more? NO. So I head out very pissed. I have one option left as with Gabby our direction thing, I have no clue how to get to any other Target's. I am across from the Mall and the Best Buy attached to it. IF they even have it, I will but it only as lone as it is no more than $40. Because Target was supposed to have it for $37.99. So I drive over and walk in worried it would be not there and worried about what its price would be. And then I see it, and it says $37.99!!! The only thing I am bitter about is that all the copies that had a keychain of the Impala were gone!! *sob*

*Anyway we started Chuck tonight, Season 3. So that Sam and Mom will be caught up when Season 4 starts. I am so good at getting people to fall for my shows, mwahaha! The Mentalist, now Chuck and Warehouse 13. Ahhhhh.

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Pillsbury's Sweet Moments Winner!!!

The Pillsbury Sweet Moments Winner IS...........................

Janet Faye!!!

Please send me your info within 48 hours or the next person in line will get picked!

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Friday, September 3, 2010

Hodge Podge of Information

New month...oh happy joy joy. That's from some random movie, can't recall which. No I can't say I am doing any better. Sorry if that makes me a downer but I strive for honesty on my blog. I am still having daily panic attacks and crying a lot. It's not even over the same thing it was at first. That tragic event that happened to a loved one is still as tragic, and I fear the next time I see anyone as I don't know how that will set me back. Right now I am just filled with insecurity and feelings of worthlessness. They can be overwhelming and so very scary.

Even the good things happening to my sisters. Katie passed her COTA exams and has been offered a job at basically every place she has interviewed at. She has her choice of kids or geriatric patients or Traumatic Brain Injury wards, etc. Sandy went back for a second interview for that phlebotomy position and is waiting to hear. So both my baby sisters might soon have jobs in their chosen careers. And that makes me happy for them...but it also makes me feel like the failure in the family as well. I can't even quiet my brain long enough to DO anything meaningful.

Anyway, TV shows started being released onto dvd. So far I have bought Gossip Girl, Heroes, House, One Tree Hill, Lost, Brothers & Sisters and The Vampire Diaries. Oh yes, in case SHE is still reading, I paid with my check book, all are completely paid for by ME. AND I plan on buying 11 more before I am done. I love my TV on DVD. What do you think we have been watching ALL summer? That's right. My Mom just learned to love and lost Wonderfalls. May it Rest In Peace. I also turned her into a Warehouse 13 addict, a Chuck addict, and she is also very angry that Haunted was cancelled (long ago) and Threshold. Amazing shows, especially Threshold, just getting really good too! We just started the first episode of Tru Calling tonight, I think she likes it and will be pissed at how it cuts off abruptly just as it is getting real good too.

I am having a weird reaction to the Lithium. I am craving some things I was not craving before. Protein, especially in the form of Milk is the number one. My Mom did some research and while it isn't listed as a side effect, many patients mention it on websites. I drink Milk period. But now I crave glass after glass. I need it. And I want chicken all the time, I am constantly eating a sandwich. Plus I have a thing for grape juice lately and I thought I loathed grape juice. Mom thinks maybe it's the iron or something. Plus there is the water cravings. I seriously do not like plain water, but I drank 4 bottles in a row the other night, I couldn't get enough. And of course, I pee like every 20 minutes. We don't see the endocronologist and get to know the results of my blood work for like 2 more weeks, it is so aggravating. I want it to be something, I can deal with a real ailment that has options. A clean slate gives no hope and I have enough no hope for a continent!!

I decided a week ago that I wanted to try The Secret Life of The American Teenager and I just finished 2 and 1/2 season online. Whoo. Tiny screens and difficult websites. Some of the content made me uncomfortable and surprised me as it is on ABC Family and is heralded by young viewers and parents alike, but for the most part it is a really good show and I am now deeply invested in the lives of Amy, Ricky, Ben, Adrienne, Grace, Ashley, etc.

I am about to go watch Why Did I Get Married Too? I saw most of the first one on TV one night, though I missed the first 45 minutes at least (sad), and it was powerful. I can't wait to see what happens to these people this time!

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Sunday, August 29, 2010

Pillsbury's Sweet Moments Giveaway


Thanks to MYBLOGSPARK, I got to try Pillsbury’s new Sweet Moments Bite-Size Brownies in Chocolate Fudge. Just like all of Pillsbury's products they were delicious. I look forward to trying the other Sweet Moments varieties.
Pillsbury introduces two new ways to enjoy life’s little luxuries with Sweet Moments Bite-Size and Molten Lava Brownies! Pillsbury Sweet Moments, now available in the refrigerated baked goods section of your local grocery store, are perfect for indulging any time of the day. Th
e Bite-Size Brownies, which are layered with either rich caramel or fudge and chocolaty coating, are just the right size to grab and go for a quick pick-me-up. They’re ready to eat, so are ready right when the craving strikes – no preparation necessary! And, at 60 calories per brownie, they’re just enough to satisfy your sweet tooth. And to reward yourself for a busy day well spent, try a Sweet Moments Molten Lava Brownie, which are served in single-serve bowls and are also available in rich caramel and fudge varieties. Each are covered in decadent chocolate or creamy caramel and topped with a chocolatey drizzle. After only 15 seconds in the microwave, the brownie bowls are warm and ready to enjoy. When chocolate bliss is this easy, how could you resist pausing for a Sweet Moment at the end of your day?
So in review there are bite size brownies in chocolate fudge and chocolate caramel and the molten lava brownies also come in chocolate fudge or chocolate caramel. Mmmm.

Thanks to MyBlogSpark, I received a
Sweet Moments Prize Pack which includes a VIP coupon for one of the new Pillsbury Sweet Moments and a chocolate spa kit.

1 lucky reader will win a Sweet Moments gift pack like the one I received.

To Win:

Leave a Comment about which of the new Pillsbury Sweet Moments desserts are you most excited to try...1 Entry

Tweet about this and Leave Proof...1 Entry

Follow My Blog...1 Entry

Add My Button to Your Page...2 Entries

BLOG About my Giveaway and Leave me the URL...5 Entries

*PLEASE LEAVE A COMMENT FOR EACH ENTRY!!!

Giveaway ends September 8th!!

*Disclaimer: I received a Sweet Moments gift pack in exchange for my honest opinions. The gift pack, information, and additional gift pack for giveaway were provided by Pillsbury and MyBlogSpark. I did not receive any monetary compensation. All opinions and thoughts expressed in this post are my own, and different people may have different outcomes.

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Thursday, August 26, 2010

The End of Miss Condescending

So...She didn't want to be emailed by ME again, like ever. Remember? So I made a comment as I told you all on her blog. Remember this "I said don't throw stones at glass houses. That she was the one who emailed ME. How would I know she was joking? She has no idea what my monetary situation is here and I thought she would be less judgemental. That I tried to show her I was worried about her and as an older person I do have more experience with bills. Why is that an insult?"

Just sheer facts. Don't throw stones. How would I know she was joking? She doesn't know my situation so she can't comment. I thought she was less judgemental. I was just worried for her. As an older person I have dealt with money issues longer. It is just facts, not insults. NONE.

She decided however not only could she have friends of hers comment insults to me on yesterdays post, but that SHE was allowed to email me. I can't email HER, but she is allowed to email ME. And what an email it was. As soon as I saw her name I knew I couldn't deal with it on my own, that I needed support. So I had my Mom stay and sit on the couch and read it out loud. I had no idea what to expect, but I was past the point where I was expecting anything good from her anymore. My expectations proved right.

She told me she couldn't believe I left that as a comment. That is was the SAME as an email. Which I found really interesting. She said no emails so I didn't email, nothing could make her happy. I think she actually wanted me to take her last email, insults and all and say nothing back. Just TAKE it. Well you know what, I have been TAKING it for my entire freaking life. That is one of the things I am encouraged by my family to do, STAND UP FOR YOURSELF Wendy. Do it. So I DID. I left a reasonable comment. I could have been snide and mean and called her out and named her, etc, but I am not like her, I can't be like that. So I just simply didn't take it, I talked back.

And what do I get? I am told by HER, I am condescending. That she does not need to be condescended to be ME. That while I am right and she doesn't know how I have money, I don't know how much money she has dealt with for the past 8 years (8 years. Wow. When I WAS her age.). How she deals with money from an inheritance and for lots of reasons. How her parents are accountants. How SHE knows about money. How she's been talked to about money and how to pay for bills all 24 years of her life (yeah I am so sure her parents took a 5 year old and did bills). How she doesn't like people telling her how to spend her money because she's already gotten it 400 times. (Sounds like other people have problem with her spending habits, not me) And nooooo, none of that was condescending at ALL. Mmmmm.

Oh but wait we are NOT done by a long shot. No you have to stay for the part where I started crying!. See I know, I know, I am overly sensitive lately because I am doing not so hot, but these statements are a little over the line I feel.

She tells ME not to contact HER again in ANY way. Not to read her blog. Then she told me to seek Professional Help. She crossed a line, and a big one at that. You want to turn a comment about putting the TV and internet you are whining about on a credit card into a huge fight, that is your odd choice. But to in any way, bring up my disorders and use them against me to inflict pain, etc, that is NOT okay. And NO, me being open about my disorders does not make them an open source for people to use to put me down. I shared because I am honest and because maybe it teaches people more about these disorders. No one has a right to use them to put me down to make themselves feel superior. Then she tells me if I leave a comment she will block my IP address, and she will be making all emails from me SPAM.

And then she tells me that next time someone sends me a lighthearted comment, which ACCORDING TO HER YOU CAN TELL BECAUSE IT ENDED WITH AN EXCLAMATION POINT!!!! Seriously, has anyone else ever heard of that?!! Of course you haven't because it isn't true! My Mother is a published author and she had never heard of such a thing! Anyway she tells me next time don't get offended and send the most condescending email I have ever read. SAY WHAT?! Because we are talking about the one that said I WAS responsible with money and try not to jump down people's throats because she said I was bringing America down, and that I am the one in her 30's, while she is in her early 20's so I have more experience with such monetary matters.I defended myself and it is true. I am older, she is younger. Deal with it lady!

That she said she's already spent enough time worrying if she's offending me too badly. But she won't be worrying anymore.It takes too much of her day and the emails have bothered her. That she doesn't need to be worrying if she's hurting my feelings. She has to worry about doing that with people in real life.

That last paragraph was kind of amusing actually after the crying paragraph. Because when had she worried about offending me? When had she stopped to think if she was hurting my feelings? Because I hadn't seen it once. She talks about condescending people being her pet peeve, but the only person who has been condescending is HER. So ironic. I wrote from my heart and I meant it each time. I was just being honest and factual. I am older. At 18 my grandfather died and for the first time I had a bunch of money and well things went not so great. We also sued MetLife at that time because we didn't GET the money he had set aside for my parents, so you learn a lot when you are suing Snoopy. I blew through have my inheritance and had to learn the very HARD way how to try and fix things. I took an accounting class. My Dad knows a lot about money and goes over it with us all the time, since I was about 11. I had a savings account. I have a checking account, multiple credit cards and the rest of that money in funds. If I use a real credit card I write a check out when I get home. Period. I don't care if her parents are accountants, she isn't. Even if she was, if she was still 24, I would say the same thing. I am 8 years older, I have dealt with it longer than you. It isn't an insult, just a fact.

I don't think she wanted things to get better between us. I think she needed someone to hate, so she had something to distract her and I was the unlucky one. Because I felt each of my emails back to her was showing and telling her, I care about you. I just wanted you to be happy. Don't you see that? And all that she took from it was insults which I don't understand how she found.

My Mother was not happy with the email. She said the girl was obviously unbalanced. I appreciated that, but the see professional help was haunting me. You can't say that to someone who has problems without it doing its' damage. Sandy showed up at one point and I asked if she had read yesterdays post yet and she said no. I told her the person I wrote about said I should seek help and she said some people just have opinions on your health, and I told her, no this wasn't an email looking out for me. I know the difference, I have gotten those. So I said I would send her the last email to so she could read it after the post. She reads all my posts.

After they all left, I was really upset. I was so upset I wanted to leave a rude remark on her blog under a different name so I was so not myself, I was creating a fake email when Sandy showed up and she was pissed off. I was caught in the act, she made me stop. She got it but she told me I wasn't (I know BABY sister) to ever go that girl's blog, comment on her, etc. And that she wanted me to block her if possible from my email and my blog. That she had written her an email telling her to stay away from me and my blog (awwww!), that she can't treat her sister like this. We tried to figure out how to block her for like 25 minutes but can't figure it out. Sandy then wanted to know how to delete comments. I knew I had 2 comments on yesterdays post, one supportive from Kristina and a rude one from Anonymous, either written BY her or one of her friends. I thought Sam wanted to delete that one. Only there were more comments I didn't know about. And Sandy didn't let me read them either. One LONG one by another anonymous, apparently I will lose a reader after all according to Sam, and one by her, herself. Sam wouldn't let me read it either. Sam left a comment for them, I doubt they bothered to read it, but it made me really proud to have her for a sister.

To have her defend me, it made me, well...yeah, it made me want to cry. You think your siblings can't stand you and then they defend you and say sweet thing about you that you didn't know they thought of you. I SO wish I knew what she emailed her. I don't think Sam will ever tell me though. My sister is a good sister, I have her at least, even though I don't have who was supposed to be my friend.

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Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Judged by the Non-Judgemental

I am really finding it hard to deal with anything right now. And just so you all know, NO I am not lying and the tragedy is actually about me. My Mom suggested that maybe someone thought that. It's not, just about someone very close and loved, so I can't seem to get past it and it has flared up all of my problems so much, that I am just crying all the time and having panic attacks over nothing. It hurts to breathe and the slightest thing can cause me to cry, even if it seems silly to others. So it is real late, no Kristina around to email and get a immediate response. But I can't stop myself so here goes my post. Somethings are just too much and I have been pushed too far and if I don't get these feelings out...I don't know, I just need them OUT. NOW.

So I was surprised to see an email from someone I considered a blogger friend in my inbox. She was one of the few I had still been commenting on lately, because I knew she was starting somewhere new. I felt lost and didn't want that for her too. It is hard to feel so alone. I wasn't expecting an email that was biting and it took me off guard and yeah, made me cry. I had made an offhand remark to her about money, basically because I care and don't want her to be lonely. I was shocked and hurt when I got the short email and sent one of my own saying how I WAS responsible and try not to jump down people's throats, and that I am the one in her 30's, while she is in her early 20's so I have more experience with such matters. I think that makes total sense don't you think, almost 10 years on someone GIVES you more experience. I wanted this over, I can't DEAL with this conflict, but instead of being the easy going person I thought she was, she thanked me for putting HER down because of her age and she hadn't known I saw her that way.

Which killed me! I never said that, in NO way could you take that in context even, from my short to the point email. So I gave in and emailed back again, struggling to hold it together, even though this is KILLING me. Because it IS, having to deal with this on top of that fact that all I really want to do is go to sleep and never wake up? Yeah I KNOW it is an unhealthy feeling but I am struggling right now. Maybe if she was reading me still she'd know that and be giving me a freaking break. Anyway, I write to her that I have always thought her more of an equal, that she has an old soul. That I felt like her initial comments were putting ME down because of the fact that I live at home and have mental disorders. And that hurt and isn't fair because I have been in charge of my money since I was 18. And that I was just trying to find a way she could be happy in her new place.

Well I would think you could find nothing insulting in that. I would think you could only find that complimentary and be shown, wow, somewhere cares about me. But I am wrong. She pounced on everything that didn't make sense, to her. HOW was she insulting me? Of course I could be insulting her but it only works one way apparently. Telling me I am why America is in a crisis is so not an insult. And that it was RUDE of me to suggest that because of my AGE, I deal with money more often. Have I seen how many expensive items she has bought over the years? She spends money all the time.

Yeah I LOVED that part. Rude of me. PLEASE people can someone explain to me how a simple FACT of nature is rude? I am 8-9 years older than this woman. So when I started making money babysitting, she was still IN diapers. When I was left the inheritance from my grandfather at 18, which I made all sorts of mistakes with and learned a LOT of lessons with, she was maybe 10 years old. So I am pretty FREAKING sure, I have been dealing with money longer than she has. And due to that inheritance and the mistakes I made I have spent plenty of money. And I to this day stimulate the economy though I admit I spend it on smarter things than others. So how is it rude to say I, because of my advanced years, deal with money more? And you know what else? I also do the grocery shopping and errand shopping for this household, so I have to stick to a budget for FIVE people, not one single person. TRY THAT.

So I still wanted this to be okay though. I know, some of you would be why Wendy, but I don't like to fight with people I thought were my friends, I thought I knew. So I tried again. I told her it felt like she was chastising me like I was a child, because of my disorders. And that I know how expensive items are but that I also know how lonely it must be moving to a new place and I wanted her to be as comfortable as possible. And that it isn't rude, because when I WAS 18, she was maybe 10. That I am older and have had to deal with it longer. THAT IS ALL. That I thought she got that I don't go around insulting people and HOW would I know it was a joke? It broke my heart.

I thought it would finally get through to her that I never insulted HER. That whatever was bothering her she would stop taking out on ME. That she would email back and it would finally be okay. Like I needed it to be. Was praying for it to be. But of course me prayers aren't exactly being answered lately. She wrote back. To tell me her comments never suggested my disorders or living at home made "me a silly child". Yeah loved that line, that was all her, guess what it made me feel since I never called myself that? See she is allowed to read between the lines and find things that weren't there, but it is illegal for me, even though I think by that statement we see she does think low of me. She told ME not to email HER.

Yeah I loved that one too. Because SHE started THIS. See, she doesn't like people being condescending, it's a pet peeve. Ironic, considering that is all she has done to me since she first emailed. See when you email or text someone and you want them to know it's a joke, you add LOL, or J/K, or something so they know you didn't just slap them across the face. She never bothered. And apparently this silly child assumed wrong when she though talking to her would get things worked out so they could remain friends. I don't like fake people. And I guess she is fake because she is not who she pretended to be. Some nice, non-judgemental, free-spirited, funny person. Silly child? You have no idea what I have been through in my life, what I have had to endure, what I have to wake up knowing for the rest of my freaking life. Don't YOU call me a silly child. You have NO idea how long I have had to be an adult. WAY longer than is fair.

And then she ended her last email with, can you guess it? Yes you may be older but I live on my own. I have a full-time job. I deal with more money than you do (um does she know what is in my checking or in my mutual funds?!). I am incredibly smart about my money (I could say things here) I don't need you to tell me how to spend it (evil Wen suggesting you buy that TV). I dislike getting advice from people when it's not asked for.

Yeah she actually ended it with that line. She wrote a POST complaining about her situation and I made a ONE line comment at like 4 in the morning one day supporting HER blog though she doesn't bother to comment on here anymore, and she manages t0 put me down 4 days in a row. And I kept waiting and waiting for her emails, hoping it was finally going to be the one where she was back to the girl I KNEW and she was going to be herself and sorry for being PMS-ing or whatever and that she appreciated my wanting her just to be happy. Because I told her time and time again that is all I wanted. Why isn't that enough for her? I would love for people to tell me they want me to be happy and she just is spitting on it, twisting it and making it ugly and I can't understand that.

Happiness feels so unattainable to me, so why would someone who is being wished it repeatedly, throwing it back in your face? I went to her blog and posted since no emails. I said don't throw stones at glass houses. That she was the one who emailed ME. How would I know she was joking? She has no idea what my monetary situation is here and I thought she would be less judgemental. That I tried to show her I was worried about her and as an older person I do have more experience with bills. Why is that an insult?

And that is that. Knowing her sway, if she chooses to go public and badmouth me outright I could lose most of you. I am not sure if I would be surprised because I thought I knew her. I really did. But obviously I don't. There were some traits she has that made me think if I needed to, I might be able to talk to her about deep stuff. I guess it is a good thing I never acted on that. I could probably name her as she goes by on here, but that's not me. I needed to vent my hurt, is all. I can't take anymore see, and I feel like I am barely hanging on. I am so very tired.

WHY now? I just do not get it. I have been following her and commenting for almost 2 years, so why did she have to pick NOW to pick one simple sentence and implode against me? At a point where I NEED friends, not need to lose them or need to battle them. Why?

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Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Untitled

No matter how hard I try

I always end up facing the darkness once again

I beg the Heavens for sweet release from this torture

But no prayers seem to work, it is my destiny to live in this bleakness

I fall to the ground begging to be set free from this agony

To be given a new chance in life, a new road to travel

But I am just looked down at with pity at my weakness

I am supposed to have the strength of will to perservere.

I cry my tears, feeling so alone, so mocked at my weakness

Knowing I am failing at my personal tests that I am meant to pass

I pound the ground until my fists are bloody because I am too fragile

My heart broke long ago, leaking my inner strength slowly away

I cry out asking for help, begging for a helping hand

Knowing I can't do this on my own, knowing I will fail alone

I bury my face in the dirt and debris, uncaring, choking as I gasp for help

Please don't leave me alone in this, I can't do this, I lost the strength long ago

Something always pushes me back into the darkness

Please don't leave me there alone this time

Please reach down and take my hand

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Friday, August 20, 2010

Losing It

Sorry Guys. I have been reading and doing some commenting, but as for me myself writing...well the post I left the other day still stands.

And it isn't getting any better or any easier. I continue to feel like I am going to throw up at the influx of emotions I feel. Odd how a tragic event can be that bat that breaks your knees, day after day after day. I wish I could be like other members of my family and put it in a box while they deal with their everyday lives, but that's not me sadly. I just am unable to compartmentalize like they can. It pops up in my mind all the time, so much so that I am having panic attacks all the time. If I think about it or the people, I most likely start sobbing. It weighs so heavy on my heart that it hurts and is so hard to breathe.

I know I am being vague with what this tragedy is, but this isn't something I would talk about on the blog. Not unless the involved party wanted it talked about for some reason you know? Which wouldn't happen for a LONG, LONG time if ever. Plus not all are aware yet of anything being...different.

I kind of wish I was like those people. Ignorance is bliss. But I know I would know eventually, it is just a fact. It would have been said, maybe even casually right in front of me and I would have freaked out and it would be old news but not to me. So I would have known eventually, I guess I just wish I could have hung onto to the innocence of not knowing what I know now, for just a little longer. Because once you know something, there is no taking it back. I mean seriously, think about it. You can't go up to a person and say their parent is dying and then take it back. They now know the truth and have to live with that until their parent is gone for good. Once the truth is out there, especially when it's not something good, it is out their forever. There is no forgetting it or checking it off and going on, bad news is there to stay.

It kind of made me wish I was a kid again. So that not only was I unaware of anything bad, but I wasn't going to be told of anything bad. Kids have it nice after all. The bad stuff is kept from them. Secrets they won't learn until much later in life.

I wish I was a kid again. Maybe the emotions would leave me be, so I could stop crying all the time. Maybe I wouldn't read the title of one of my blog friends posts and want to rip her a new one because it hit a little too close. Maybe I could get through the day without someone looking at me and asking "Are you alright?".

"No. I am far from alright. Something bad happened...not even to me, but I am freaking out and losing it."

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Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Review of 100 Prayers God Loves to Hear, 100 Praise Songs By Stephen Elkins

Thanks to Booksneeze.com, I got to review a copy of Stephen Elkin's "100 Prayers God Loves to Hear, 100 Praise Songs".

This is a children's religious song book that includes 2 cd's with all the songs sung. Essentially each song is supposed to teach children how to pray about certain things. This is not your traditional christian song book though, it covers a great deal. You have prayers from Mother Theresa to Martin Luther, etc.

This is definitely for younger children, perfect for short attention spans. It has treasured older songs like Amazing Grace and newer songs I had never heard of before in my life.

I am not sure I would use it if I had children as I AM Christian, but it is a cute book and cd duo, very colorful and seems like kids should like it indeed.

(Thanks to Thomas Nelson Publishers for sending me a copy to review.)

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Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Naive is Safer

Anyone heard of MSO Marketing? They want me to put up links for retailers and I was going to email them back and ask what was in this for me, but my sister made me think they were a scam so now I thought I would ask if other people had heard of them, their website looks legit....

Anyway I am not really up to talking. I didn't think things could feel any worse, or get any darker. Then life throws something at you that makes you feel like someone took a bat to your knees and makes you feel like you could throw up from all the myriad of emotions you are feeling.

I know I AM naive, because I will never understand the How's and Why's. It's like they are beyond me. I don't think I want to either. I'd rather stay curled up in my Naive Blanket, thinking good wins out over evil...even if I am fooling myself, it makes me feel safer.

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Saturday, August 14, 2010

Hodge Podge

Well, first, thanks for those who took the time to comment on yesterdays post. I am in a really dark place and your comments bring some light to the blackness. For my newer readers, yes I have depression, a few anxiety disorders, OCD and BiPolar Type II. (Oh and I am a Diabetic, have migraines, scholiosis, arthritis, a fast heart rate, an extra heart beat, etc...lol) I take Celexa, Xanax and just started Topamax and Lithium. I also take a heart medication and Ambien to sleep otherwise I would never fall asleep, I am just so anxious all the time. So yeah I am definitely not in a hill right now, I am in a valley, a deep scary one that cuts at my hands when I try to crawl out. What? I fancy myself a writer sometimes, I like to get descriptive.

Okay, onto something else. I caught up on all the episodes of LA Ink. Man I LOVE Kat!

I also love Dan, he is super cool and supportive, which is exactly what she needs, which she has in Adrienne too. Corey though...I don't know. He was a real jerk to her, and he could have handled things so much better. So you want to be closer to home, so TALK to Kat, don't alienate her and then quit on her like he did. Now he wants back like he didn't break her heart?! Pshhhh!! Make his WORK for it Kat Von D!!!

And I finally got to watch all the finale parts for SYTYCD! I am proud of my baby girl Lauren. I am. I got to the point like the judges, where I would have been happy if either 3 had won. But I am so sad for my baby boys Kent and Robert! They so deserved it too, and they must be just devestated. Happy as can be for Lauren, because those guys LOVED eachother, but still sad because they were SO close. And that makes me so sad for them!

They are going on tour at least, they are actually going to be at either the Mohegan Sun or Foxwoods Resort in September here in CT. I wish I had the money and the guts to go see them, that would be so amazing to get a chance to maybe meet them.

A few of the dances from Part 1 of the finale were just amazing also, so I had to post one with each finalist for you all to enjoy.

Kent Boyd & Allison Holker



Lauren Froderman & Robert Roldan (second and third finalists)




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Friday, August 13, 2010

Depression Regression

I thought about not writing about how I was really feeling. That I could lose reader or followers, etc. And then my Mom told me if someone stopped reading me because I wrote about how I am feeling then they are not worth having as a reader. And I think she is right. Besides I made a vow to be honest on my blog, and how I am feeling is as honest as it can get.

I'm really not doing well at all. I know it is redundant, but I feel so lonely and alone. I have my family, of course. But I don't really have anyone else. My friend H is just not being there for me, no matter how much I tell her I need my friend right now. N lives in Mass. and we just never seem to connect when she is here, and W is a new Mom, so it's understandable that it is baby world 24/7. And I just have never felt too comfortable talking depression with the last two, they have never had it, and not like I do. So it can feel so awkward.

So it feels like I have no where to turn to, besides my Mom, lately. It gives me a feeling of such isolation, which terrifies me. I get this feeling where I feel like a camera is going around me in a 360 degree angle and I am alone, no one there to help me, and it panics me. What do I do if I lose it completely and there is no one there but me? I am NOT an optimistic person, I see myself withering up and disappearing. Or dying.
It's starting to feel like there is a distance growing between me and the things that make me feel secure. Like I am in the center and the things that have been known to help me: my Mom, Maxie, certain Imagery Scenarios, the Fam, music, etc. are all like 10 feet away from me in a circular pattern, so they are all at the same distance. They never were that far away before. And when I make a step towards one, they get further away, which only further frustrates me until I am running after them in tears....yeah.
Some of my family are saying they see good things from these new meds I am on. Which is nice...if true. I don't see it, and right now I don't care because I feel out of control, I feel like I am sitting in the dark, in a corner, trying to curl into as small a ball as possible. Because it hurts to be seen, because if someone can see me, then they can see my pain, and that thought it scary as all get out.

When I didn't know what depression was, I didn't understand what could be as big a deal as people sad. I got it was not good, because I saw it made my Mom and my little sister cry, a LOT, but I didn't get why. Then I was 18 and it slowly started invading me, and 14 years later, you would think I would understand it better, but I don't. I understand how it feels now, but I don't get it any better than I did before I ever had it. All I know is that it hurts, like a painful weapon, and I can cry like someone died, and sometimes I wonder if that is because someone has...me?

I am not even sure I know who Wendy M_____ would have been or turned out to be, if things had turned out a little different and I never got depressed. If I never got all the other disorders, and the OCD and then the BiPolar II. Who would I be?

Instead of this screwed up version of Wendy who cries all the time, can't hold a job because she is so messed up and can't even do the online schooling yet because she can't stop crying right now? I am just so unhappy and scared and tired of feeling like such a failure. Katie should get her test results tomorrow, Sam might have a job by tomorrow...my LITTLE sisters. And I have nothing, I do the groceries and run errands, ohhhhh. I am such a loser and such a failure, not what my parents deserved.

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