Thursday, September 16, 2010

Some Days Just Stay In Bed

It wasn't the day I had imagined the night before. I thought Wednesday was going to be a sleepy slow day. I thought I might make meatballs with my Mom so we could had subs on Friday. I thought we might watch a few episodes of Chuck on TV later that night. But it wasn't to be.

Instead I was woken by Sandy and told I needed to be dressed in 15 minutes. Something major familial wise was going on and I knew it wasn't going to be easy or pleasant. And I knew I wasn't prepared for it. I hadn't had time to get used to the idea, and I knew I wasn't ready for it mentally. I know I am doing badly. I don't need someone else to tell me that. I was THE one who told my doctor how bad I was doing which is why I am trying another new med. So this isn't a shocker, I was not strong enough to handle something like this. Not today, not this week, not this month. Right now I can admit I am the weak link. I am struggling just to live through each day.

I AM sorry I cannot say what familial crisis I am talking about, I am not allowed to. In the beginning of my blogging it was up to me, now I don't have control over everything, which is ironic. This blog is for me, to get MY thoughts and feelings out, to be therapeutic for ME, but because I foolishly invited some to read it, I now have to monitor myself. That gives them control over me, which is not cool. Someone with my mental disabilities struggles to fight for the control back, and people who were meant to care are also taking some control away from me. Strange. Everything, everyone has control of me, but ME.

So the family was a killer. I know, I personally felt battered, bruised and hurt. I am not used to having my trust come into question withing any part of the family. When I give my word on something, that is it. Because I don't give it lightly, not for years. It isn't as easy to get me to promise something as it used to be, I have to truly believe I can do it. And I don't lie either. Sandy says I can't lie. According to her even what I consider my straight face when I try, looks like I am going to laugh. And then I can only hold it like 15 seconds before I am laughing for real. I no longer am comfortable lying, unless I am trying to joke. So to have my word doubted when there is no basis for it to be questioned not only hurt like I was stabbed, it felt uncalled for.

I had kept all my promises, I had kept all my deals, even though other people had NOT kept theirs which at times made me ponder going back on MY promises. But I couldn't do it, that is not who I am. There is someone in particular I do not want to see hurt and I made promises directly to that person, so I tried to keep that in mind when the anger got really bad. And the anger was deserved. Especially tonight, when certain things were revealed. Like the fact that people who swore they would not read this anymore, never stopped. So they know things I never wanted them to know. Like me being Bi Polar and being on Lithium, etc. I feel like they deliberately invaded my privacy and that makes me feel really vulnerable and like they don't respect me.

Nothing has been decided after all this struggle and pain. Talking must go on and final thoughts must be given before a final decision on the subject is reached. Basically I just really want my parents to be happy. I would like some privacy back, Sandy reads my blog that was the whole point, her reading it to reassure him, trust me it isn't YAY on my part all the time, when I am pissed at her she reads it HELLO! So that should be enough, she has done a good job. I want my parents to smile more and be happy and laugh. I want them to look forward to emails and packages in the mail and stuff like that.

Me? I am pretty used to not being okay. If I could ensure my parents happiness and get my sisters squared away with jobs in their chosen careers, they could really just take me now. There's really not anything left for me and I am so tired. So Tired all the time. No I am not morbid, just realistic. I really have nothing left in me. Not even fight.

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5 meaningful meanderings:

Kristina P. said...

It's very difficult to trust anything when someone violates your trust.

Have you thought about taking your blog private?

~Onreeone~ said...

There is always fight left in us even when we don't see or feel it. The name of my blog speaks volumes about me. I have to take it One Day At A Time to get by.

I'm sorry that people you trusted, hurt you. It is never easy to put our true selves out there let alone be scrutinized for our feelings. People should just back off and mind their own business. I know you cannot disclose the nature of this issue, but like your first comment said...why not make it private. Then those who you do not wish to read...won't be able to see what you write. Considering that you do this blog for therapeutic reasons, it makes me sad that u must sensor your feelings. Good Luck Wendy--and NEVER GIVE UP~ You CAN DO IT!

Toriz said...

I don't get some people sometimes. *Sigh*

Hang in there, Wendy! There is still fight left in you... You just have to find it... It's there, deep down, and will surface when it's ready!

Amander said...

It sucks, but you just can't control other people and their thoughts/feelings. It seems like you have made a lot of effort to make them happy, and they may never be.

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