Tuesday, September 30, 2008

It's THAT Time Again...Plus...

Guess what time it is people?? Oh...right, I'm new to this whole blog thing so you are unaware of what time it is. Well now that it is officially Fall, I dye my hair a deeper shade of red to celebrate the Autumn-ness of the season. I know, your jaws just hit the floor, you are shocked that I am NOT actually a natural redhead. It shocks a lot of people actually! I have been dyeing it for about 12 years now, and people who have known me since forever have even finally accepted it, and told me that it suits me! And that's the flaming bright red! Even my Aunt Maureen, the natural redhead of the family, has finally given her approval! Yay!
In fact, recently my Mom and youngest sister Sam informed me I shouldn't ever go back to blonde as it doesn't look right on me...even though technically it's my natural haircolor (dirty blonde). I wasn't quite sure how to take that, there's a compliment in there, yet almost an insult too...hmmm.
But I digress. So it is time to go from flaming red to deep auburn red. And here it is, what do you think? Now don't worry, it will be back to it's fiery red either by Christmas or for New Years, this is just to shake things up and be seasonal!
And I just finished the very long process of correcting my front teeth. I had bionators in grade school to correct my over bite, I had braces in junior high to fix my teeth. But my two front teeth went right back. SO in high school I had braces again...guess what? Right back to where they were before. Sure the braces had fixed all the other teeth, but your two front teeth, front upper teeth, are crucial. I've even had to perfect a fake smile where I know exactly where my lower lip is, so it covered the crooked tooth! So my parents had decided they wanted to do this for me, get my teeth to a point where I wasn't self-conscious when I smiled. So after countless pain, both mental and physical (if you really want to know the whoooollle process you can ask) I finally had my four top front teeth drilled to nubs and had temps put on and about two weeks ago I had the permanents put on. So that pic of me smiling is with my brand new smile and not a hint of feeling self conscious of my smile! Yipee!!

17 Kids and Counting...

Okay so I am Mormon/LDS, but this show scares me. Sure, I am used to big families, but this is more than a family, this is more than a sports team!!Heck with Mom + Dad they could be their own branch if they were Mormons! The mother is pregnant with child number 18 and will keep on going until God doesn't want her to have any more. I'm not even sure if she uses birth control or leaves it up to God. Which.Is.Insane!
And Mrs. Duggar insists on naming them ALL names that begin with J. Okay I know a family from my Ward who did that too. But that was with 4 kids people!! Not 18! They've got a Joy-Anna and a JoHannah...isn't that just a little too close sounding to anyone else?!! And Mrs.D has been pregnant 135 months of her life, that's over 11 years of being pregnant...doesn't anyone else want to squeeze their knees together and go "ouuuuchhh"? All I want to do is say to the husband, Jim Bob (yes seriously) get a snip-snip and stay off your bloody wife!!
This is a show I only see bits and pieces of as I am obsessed with John & Kate Plus 8 (pregnancies? 2 ), and every time I see it, I feel so sorry for these children with their J names all dressed alike, all having chores or "jurisdictions" as they call them, and they may have a huge mansion of a house since Jim Bob (oh I feel ill) invests smartly, but how much alone time can you get? And they're home schooled, how do they make any friends?? Every older child is saddled with at least one if not two of the tiny tots or babies. It's like they are already Mom's and Dad's but the oldest kid is 20! They do all the chores, the older girls do over 200 loads of laundry a month. And supposedly, all the kids are okay with everything...what kid is okay with everything about their family?!
Okay...I just needed to vent...these people are just insane!! Snip snip Jim Bob! Before your wife's ovaries just fall off!!

Monday, September 29, 2008

Intro to Max

Okay Blog World, you should all meet the love of my life, his name is McIntosh, aka Max. He also goes by Pookie, as he is MINE, and McStinky, which is when he blows bad air...if you haven't guessed Max is a dog. THE dog. 23 pound Jack Russel Terrier with a heart bigger than he is. He is 4 years old, and is the first real pet my younger sisters and I have ever had. No the millions of goldfish who got flushed just did not count. They didn't seem very snuggle worthy. One of them did get really huge and was renamed JAWS, as he started to eat the other goldfish, and we had him forever, til he died one day when we were all mysteriously at school. Years later we found out my mother was sick of the fish eating all our other fish so she took him to the great white bowl and bid him luck on finding his way through the sewers...this is something my siblings and I have never let her forget. So BLOGGERS, meet Max, Max, the blogging world.

Christian the Lion

Anyone who hasn't seen this, has got to watch the WHOLE thing. It is so beautiful, and such a wonderful story. And the words someone added to the end...inspiring.

Sunday, September 28, 2008

Poems I Have Posted on Facebook

These are some of the poems I have posted so far on a Facebook group, for critiquing, to see if people think I might have some literary talent. Most of my poems tend to be on the dark side, as I suffer from multiple mental disorders, like depression, OCD, etc. It's not that I aim at dark poetry, it's just what ends up pouring out of me. I'm not sure I'm much of a writer, but have found a sense of release when I have written my idea of what poetry is. I can only hope that other people will like what I write or understand it. Some pieces will be older pieces, some will be quite new, as it is something I have taken up again in the last few months.

Enemy of Mine
Looking into the mirror I see my reflection
That girl on the other side makes me cringe in disgust
I slam my fists into the glass beating her hard
The broken shards slice into my hands like a hot knife through butter
I slide my blood soaked hands over that girl again and again
Trying to make her disappear using my life's blood
But the blood drips down the crushed glass slowly
Revealing that disgusting, pathetic creature once more
There's no running from her, no escape at all
She's always there, whining, crying, dying inside
She blindly begs for love, friendship and acceptance
Not getting it through her stupid mind, it'll never happen
She's too hard to love, too weak to accept, too shy to befriend
Why can't she get it through that thick skull, no one wants her?
She's too much to deal with, too sensitive to stand
She'll never be anything more than a weak little girl
So I continue to berate her and beat her over and again
Trying to teach her to accept the truth and move on
No one wants you here, it's time to move on
It's your own fault I can't stand you, just look you're a mess
Afraid of your own shadow, of the demons that live within
You're a sad waste of a girl and I want to be rid of you
You're ugly, no one wants you, take a hint and move on
The beatings will continue, I hate that you're here
The blood has kept dripping and I see we're both woozy
But I'll stand here waiting, until I can see you no more


If you’re a freak like me let me shake your hand,

It means you’re an original piece of hand-made art.

If you’re a freak like me let me shake your hand,

You’re not a carbon copy of an original masterpiece.

If you’re a freak like me let me shake your hand,

You let the wet clay slip through your fingers forming what you were meant to be.

If you’re a freak like me let me shake your hand,

You let the paintbrush stroke the canvas just so.

If you’re a freak like me let me shake your hand,

You mixed the paints together, until you created a new color.

If you’re a freak like me let me shake your hand,

You blended the charcoal with your fingers until an image appeared.

If you’re a freak like me let me shake your hand,

You cut balsa wood until it bore soft, clean curves.

If you’re a freak like me let me shake your hand,

You made being different something special again.

No More

Rip my heart out and fillet it like a fish
Squash my self-respect and spit on it like trash
Call me out on every stumble I make as I walk life's path
Then trash me for pointing out you have fallen too

Call me every name in the book to make yourself feel better
You already decided a long time ago you stood above me on a pedestal
You throw my faults into my face as if it were acid so you could burn me
But when I copy your moves, it's an insult never to be forgiven

You never think you talk down to me as if I were a dwarf to your giant
You never see that you pierce me like a voodoo doll with your words
You only see the view from your side of the castle
You never see that from my side there is a whole other world

You think of yourself as an angel and decided to paint me as the devil
Yet you ignore the sight of horns and a tail in your own reflection
You know all my secrets, and all the demons that haunt me forever
But you keep me at arms length, not willing to share anything of your true self

Your knowledge never stops you from hurling my demons at me with glee
But if I get too close to a demon of yours, you wail like the banshee you are
Acting as though you were the first ever to be cut to the quick
By a person you thought you could lean on, on your weakest days

You never think that your words blow the pieces of self-esteem I try to gather away
You never care that it takes me years to pick up those pieces one by one
The only thing on your mind is your own reflection and what hurts you
Your side of the castle must feel nice and safe and secure

Too bad you destroyed mine with your razor blade words

Hard Drive

Control Alt Delete

Get you outta my mind

Reboot my brain

There’s a virus inside

You tricked me when I first saw you

You went by another name

When I looked inside you

You wreaked havoc on my hard drive

So get out the anti-virus program

And let’s send you to the trash

I’m revamping my disk space

And now you have no place.

Live For the Night

Darkness falls

like dying embers.

Lightning frames

the dying day.

Stars appear

to break the stillness.

Daytime shadows

arrive to play.

Fearers of the sun

so bright.

Bask in the night

live for the night.

The darkened corners

mask their forms.

Stay away from light

stay in the night.

From dusk ‘til dawn

it’s their domain.

For fearers of

a brand new day.

Dark cloaked night

is the one chance to play.

So stay in the night

and bask in the night.

Stay away from the light

And live for the night.

Sidewalk Cracks

I’m still afraid to step on the sidewalk cracks
Afraid just one of those childhood fears will prove true
Afraid some spider will sit down beside me and blow me away
You laugh, you mock, but what do you really know?

Nursery rhymes, fairy tales, where do they really come from?
Origins are often unclear, and who’s to say there really was an Aesop?
Who’s to say fairy tales are safe and sound when written by the Grimm’s?
A name which means sinister and stories about trolls eating little girls.

I’m still afraid to look under my bed when it’s dark outside
Afraid just one of those monsters we feared as children is real
Afraid some gremlin or boogeyman will pull me under the bed and eat me whole
You laugh, you mock, but what do you really know?

Legends, folk tales, they all had to originate from something
The tooth fairy is something wonderful now, but who’s to say how she started?
Who’s to say she didn’t start as some deranged, murderous madwoman?
Hell bent on collecting baby teeth for her own personal collection?

You laugh, you mock, but what do you really know?
Do you want to stake your life on it? Just let me know.

The Hand

Tumbling towards the edge of insanity
Clawing at the speeding ground under my nails
Trying to catch hold and stop myself
From plummeting into that black abyss
I put out a hand in search of help
Which only speeds up my downward journey
I can feel fingertips that I’m just brushing
Tears of frustration run down my bruised face
If I could just get a grasp there could be hope
But I continue fumbling with the helping hand
I try to dig my heels into the earth with no luck
All I get for my troubles is bloodied and bruised feet
The overwhelming pain is crippling and too much to bear
I stretch my arm out further, my hand reaching out
Skin brushing skin, warmth barely grazing warmth
I slide closer and closer to the brink of despair
I use all the strength I have left in the reservoir of my very being
And catch hold of that hand, being saved just as the earth gives way under me
A warm strong hand that never lets go and holds on with infinite power
Healing the bruises and broken pieces I have incurred over a lifetime
Filling me with a sense of peace I’ve waited my entire life for
I stare down at the dwindling wreckage of what was,
something I had to endure
And now I look up to the owner of that hand and smile,
Knowing what was in store for me had made it all worth it.

Poem - Pretend to Be Busy

Pretend to be Busy

I always pretend to be busy as the social butterflies drift right past me
It’s not like they look my way or pay me any attention whatsoever
To feel though like an interloper in this life is excruciatingly painful
Feigning that I am unaffected by belonging nowhere is a white lie I allow myself
Embracing the fact that I am unseen however is not an option I can allow myself
When I feel so dispirited, If I’m not careful I think I could actually just fade away
Not a memory in anyone’s mind, not a someone to be mourned
You don’t mourn what you never knew existed, don’t remember what you never even forgot
It’s not that I never tried to fit in, I searched for an entry point high and low
Finding only a labyrinth of people’s backs turned to me, blocking me, my cries unheard
I tried to push my way through the crowd, only to be swatted away like a fly
So I sit alone and pretend to be busy and unaffected by life happening all around me
While inside I cry out for someone to find me before I fade away in the labyrinth completely

Bad Cops, Good Movie

Well I went and saw Lakeview Terrace tonight...and now it really bothers me that there IS a cop that lives in my neighborhood. I don't even know which neighbor, so it's crazy like, I just know that one of these houses outside my window has a cop...and maybe it's Samuel L. Jackson's cop!! He was seriously really good as a cop you do NOT want to meet in any situation. You do not want to be a bad guy he catches and you do NOT want to be his "friend"! And he has everybody fooled, so seriously, who can you turn to?! Jackson has been so good at being the good guy (ex. The Negotiator), that until you see him in something like this, you forget how good he is at being the extremely bad guy.
The movie really was good, and I applaud Patrick Wilson for his portrayal of Chris, the new neighbor being harassed...it has got to be difficult to play opposite Samuel L. Jackson in a movie that you are in most of, but that revolves around Sam. And he holds his own I have got to say. Wilson has not been in very many movies that I have seen but he held his own as the pissed off Chris with a neighbor from Hell. And Kerry Washington as his beautiful wife, was also good, I just wish she'd have gotten to play less the "help the little woman" and more the "you messin' with me fool?" woman. She so has it in her. So I recommend it, especially if you like Samuel L.

And then we went and picked up food from Tokyo restaurant on Queen Street. I love their chicken tempura, Sam loves the Boston rolls...I was really hoping to like sushi, even cooked sushi...soooo NOT my thing. I am just too picky when it comes to food. Now I am about to watch some horror movies I rented on Tuesday. Breathing Room and Pathology. I am hoping they are good, and do not turn out to be ones where it looks like they used a personal camcorder, or ones that are so stupid or hokey, that it makes you stupider for having watched it....and yes I have seen MANY of those. It's like a car wreck, you can't look away!!

Saturday, September 27, 2008

What Up

Well it seems everyone is jumping on the blog bandwagon, and so I am giving it a shot of my own. I'll probably post poems, talk about my love of movies and talk about just general stuff and rant of course...when I remember I have a blog. See, I was never much good at keeping a journal or diary so this may start off strong and fizzle, or maybe no one will even read this, but even if they don't, hey...maybe I will have an online journal I can print out one day.

But seriously, these are my personal meanderings, so they may seem to veer aimlessly from subject to subject at times, but it's just from my perspective. My thoughts tend to be scattered, but hey...maybe yours are too!

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