Friday, April 30, 2010

Accidentally OCD

I got OCD last night and was determined, ferociously so, to find a van to rent, for my Dad and Katie, as they are driving it down to Florida. A van can hold all our luggage and fit all of us as we go around Florida. So I...accidentally...erghhh maybe not...spent about 7 hours searching car websites, applying different coupon codes, etc to see if I could find a DECENT priced van.

The cheapest I could find a van for was almost $1400 and to find THAT price I WORKED man, and applied coupon discount codes, etc. I was all over the place and reserved a total of like 14 cars...LOL! I was able to find a really out of the box way of doing it though, which has been rejected. I am very sad, it was genius. If you rent FROM Florida to CT, I could get a van for $10 a DAY!! A DAY!! I rented it from the 17th to the 31st. It was $300 total! So all we needed was a car to drive from CT to Florida from the 13th to the 17th. 4 FREAKING DAYS! And the cheapest I could find, that included at least a full size car, since they do need to get DOWN there with luggage of theirs at least, and my GIANT bag, was $741!! What the crap is up with that? I searched for hours for ANY car site that could give me a decent price, and you know why they are charging do much? It is called a airport drop off fee. One site said the car would me a little over $300, but the airport drop off was $563!! WHY?!

I even tried to make it non-airport pick up or drop off locations, and they don't allow that. NONE of the car rental sites will let you pick up the car at a different location of theirs. Because places like Alamo and Hertz have locations all over, but they have made it so the websites will not allow you to pick up and drop off at their smaller locations. Apparently that will save you money so they won't allow it.

It is just so frustrating so as of now, he has a premium car (he realized from my search that cars were down in price) for the whole drive to and from Florida. He had me cancel every single reservation I made, which was more hours tonight. Supposedly if I spend all my money and have loads of junk to bring home, we will send it on the plane, actually check luggage. We better, because I plan to have loads of retail therapy.

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Thursday, April 29, 2010

C-c-c-o-ooool-ld-d!!! Brrrrr!

What the frick-frack is going on here?! A week and a half away we had the A.C. on for 2 days, and tonight my sister has her heater on in her room, and here I am, wearing a jacket and huddled under my favorite blanket!

It is 33 degrees outside right now. This morning it was in the low 20's in some towns, and I was huddled under TWO blankets! They actually suggested mittens on the news this morning! And this crazy weather change has dealt me a freaking bad migraine. Thus I am posting a short post. This screen is freaking bright, yo!

The migraine has been with me for almost 24 hours. I actually drank a WHOLE bottle of 5-Hour Energy. It helped my headache for awhile. Caffeine is supposed to like open the vessels in your head and help with headaches, but it lasted only a while and I am not taking it at 2 in the morning. Even I am not that crazy. It hurts though. I hate migraines.

Knowledge is bad for Wendy. Yup I am now positive about that. I peeked about in the books we ordered on Bi Polar last night and ended up almost crying all night, because the side effects they are all listing are scaring the crap out of me. Agh, so I am not allowed to look at them unless I am studying them with my parents. Katie is going to talk to the nice doctor at her externship for me too.The appointment is Monday and I want to have a med in mind to request. He just doesn't take into account that I am already a Diabetic and have heart troubles. So I had a panic attack this morning and no more Wendy alone with the books. I am okay with that, I think it is best that I am with someone when I read about this problem I have.

One cool thing my Mom found out from our friend the APRN? Hartford Hospital is doing this new...trial might not be the right word. Anyway, you have to be picked but they do blood testing which can determine what drugs you will do best on versus others. We are hoping I can get in on this, because I am so sensitive to medications. It sounds really intriguing. I just wish I could get it done before Monday. Though I won't start any new med until we get back from Florida. We all agree, the whole family, it would be a bad idea to test a new drug during a vacation which is supposed to be for relaxing and DE-stressing. And for those of you who have been with me for a long time, you remember the Lamictal that had me wide awake for 2 days or so at a time. That would SUCK on vacation. 16 days and 5 hours and I will be taking off in a plane. It doesn't feel real, yet I do not care. Because the moment I see a palm tree and float in the pool, I will finally be able to get at least ONE large breath in. Oh yeah.

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Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Miss Swan at Customs

It was a bad day, so I needed a good laugh. Miss Swan always makes me laugh!

Tuesday, April 27, 2010


Okay I have no idea HOW I missed this news hooplah, but I am now aware and am pissed off! What am I talking about? I am talking about the Lane Bryant ad that ABC and Fox banned because they claim Ashley Graham has too much cleavage. Are you freaking serious?!! Victoria Secret ads show the undersides sometimes of breasts, they have them wearing half bras almost exposing nippage, and they ban this beautiful model's commercial because they think she has too much cleavage?!!

HELLO!! What do you think all bigger chested women HAVE?!! We all have big chests, which includes plenty of cleavage, which is WHY we have stores LIKE Lane Bryant!! Because we need special bras to hold the ladies UP! And why shouldn't we have sexy bras and underwear at our disposal? Why shouldn't we get to see that we have those options of underclothes we can buy? This is such a load of CRAP. This is such a double standard! Victoria Secret models are shown crouching on pool tables, strolling trough train stations in underwear, and half of them have just as much cleavage. Only thing is, they are all skinny. Is that what makes it okay? Skinny models showing a lot of cleavage is JUST fine for ABC and Fox to air, but show a plus size model showing off lingerie and all of a sudden it is too much and must be banned. Too much skin. Hello, guess what? I have two times as much skin as those skinny witches and it is ALL OVER! Not just the boobs, I have more skin everywhere!

It sure seems like they have something against this ad because it features a heavier woman being sexy. I have to sit through the skinny women commercials, having my self-esteem go down another notch each time. So why shouldn't I have someone more my size, who looks amazing I think, make me feel better about myself and like maybe I can be sexy, if I so choose?!! Why can't plus size women be confident too? Ashley is at home getting ready for a date, while Victoria Secret models are walking through the streets, spinning and there are close ups on some areas that make you so "excuse me"!! Hmm, who is the better role model? Uh that would be a rhetorical question.

This just really bothers me. And Ashley Graham was so proud of the commercial, of getting to show that plus size women can be sexy and confident in themselves. Some people have even altered the commercial, changing the text message to an announcement that the Mc-Rib is back, so that is why she is leaving, which pisses me off. Because a woman is bigger, she is a pig or eats too much or whatever?! That is such crap! Many women do all they can to lose weight, but it just doesn't work, and some have the gene from family that makes them pre-disposed to being heavier-set. That doesn't mean they eat so much they got fat.

Here I have the Ashley Graham Lane Bryant Ad and one by Victoria Secrets. You tell me which one is more risque. And remember, Victoria Secret ads run ALL day and night, so any kid can see them. So tell me why the Lane Bryant ad is getting such treatment, but Victoria Secret is just fine and dandy.

Lane Bryant:

Victoria Secret:

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Monday, April 26, 2010

The Back Up Plan

I went this afternoon and saw "The Back Up Plan" starring Jennifer Lopez and Alex O'Loughlin. Yes, I knew I was taking a chance, it starring "J.Lo" and all. Heck I took a really big chance (anyone remember Gigli and Monster-in-Law?!!), but the trailers looked hilarious and I am a huge fan of newcomer Alex O'Loughlin. Let's face it, he is really good to look at. The man is devastatingly HOT, and I think he is a really diverse actor as well. He displayed that portraying both a vampire you love in the tv series Moonlight, and as one of the killers you didn't see coming, in "White Out". So, I knew even if the movie was awful, I sure would have a fun time just watching Alex on the big screen.However, I was pleasantly surprised. It was a really cute movie, one I would go back and see again, for sure. The premise of this movie is that Zoe, played by Lopez, has given up on finding Mr.Right and her biological clock has been ticking for so long, she decides to be inseminated. Immediately after the procedure, she meets Stan, played by O'Loughlin. The sparks are instantaneous. Zoe fights it, but when they continue to run into each other, and when Stan pursues her, she wants to give them a shot. Insemination never takes on the first try so she isn't too worried until after their first, and perfect date, when she finds out she is indeed pregnant. What do you do when you are pregnant, but you think you just met "the one"? And can a man you just started dating, be okay with the fact that you are pregnant? That is what is explored in this romantic comedy brought to us by CBS Films, a new film company.

This film works for me. Except I think what works for this film, is not what they intended to work. Jennifer Lopez has all the slap-stick comedy in the film. She is the one who throws up, falls into the "birthing pool", dumpster dives for a body pillow, etc. While you empathized with her plights, her Lucille Ball-like antics, were not what made me laugh out loud. Yes, I am disagreeing with the professional film critics. Oooooh.

It was the dead pan expressions and reactions from Alex O'Loughlin that made this film funny and more plausible. I mean, really, in real life is a man going to stand by your side and help you raise a kid that is not his, after a couple of dates? I do not think so! So that is kind of outlandish, but Alex's portrayal, his reactions, make it seem more grounded. His face when he realizes that this type of ultra-sound, so early in the pregnancy, requires "different placement" and with such a huge and scary looking instrument, is hysterical. The haunted look in is eyes and his voicing of "I shouldn't have seen that", after Zoe and Stan witness the so NOT "miracle" of a home water birth was priceless. Those dimples can flash at me, anytime!

I also loved the supporting players. Zoe's Single Mothers group is full of crazy characters, including the Mother nursing her 3 year old in front of every one! Gross. Melissa McCarthy is hilarious as the leader of the group. And Tom Bosley has a small role as Zoe's grandmother's fiance...of 23 years, but it is so great to see Mr. Cunningham!! Another scene stealer is Nuts the dog. The tiny dog in the doggy walker/wheelchair was so funny! Played excellently by Nip, Tuck and Nubbins.

This is actually one Jennifer Lopez movie, I will say to go see. I found it to be a really nice romantic comedy with a unique twist. And I liked the acting, gosh darn it, so move over pro film critics, you have never known what a good movie is!
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Stop & Shop 2010 Hybrid Spark Giveaway Winner

The WINNER of the $20 Stop and Shop Gift Card and the possibility of entering to win a 2010 Hybrid is......bettycd at More Coffee? !!! Congrats, just send your info ASAP!

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Sunday, April 25, 2010

I ♥ UByKotex

Heck I don't even USE their products but I LOVE them! JUST for the commercials and videos alone. I am sure you have seen the one where the girl talks about twirling on a beach and wearing white, it was even up on someone's blog, but there is more people! And it makes me laugh so hard, I chocked on a pretzel when I heard the guy say "are they flavored, what's with the flower?". So I am posting them for your mocking and enjoyment!

And okay, maybe I do live a sheltered life, but WHY on Earth do the ones (and it sounds like Australian accents) here, use a beaver puppet??! Seriously check it out. It is freaking me out and grossing me out, if it is a representation of "down there". WHY would you use a beaver in your ads?!!

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Saturday, April 24, 2010

Some UK Lovin'

Before, I do anything else, I want to thank the few friends who responded to my last post, your comments were much appreciated and thought on. I TRY to remember the words from my favorite Girls' Camp song "This Life on Earth we knew would not be easy, at times we lose our way, his path we may not see, but please remember always, please, that you are not alone. He'll take your hand, He loves you, He will guide you home." Trying to remember that.This song always make me cry, in a good way.

Find more music like this on Upload Music - Peekatune

Okay on to a post less reflective, less let's mull these questions over. This is about my love of my very first UK series. I had no idea it was a British series when I fell in love with it last summer. It was on NBC and they did not make it sound like it was a show they were "borrowing", they made it sound like a show NBC commissioned and made. Yes, it had British actors, but people fake accents ALL the time! Sure, I knew Anthony Head was British, but HELLO, he was also a star of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, a US show. So him being on it was no indicator, it made me happy and excites, YES, but in no way did I think because he was in it, obviously this was a British tv series. After all, again, NBC said nothing that I saw. And I get TV Guide straight to my doorstep.

So if you don't already know, the show I fell for last summer, it was Merlin. It is fantastic! I love the actors, the story lines, everything! I have always liked the idea of Camelot, and LOVE magic and dragons and creatures and such. So after the first episode was so good, I was hooked. It was only about 6 episodes, if even, IN, when I began hearing buzz about NBC not airing all the episodes, which it did thank goodness! But then I heard the chance of NBC airing a second season (and of only 13 episodes!) was like 1000 to 1 odds. I was so SAD! And THAT was when I learned it wasn't even a show made by NBC. That it was a show the UK had enjoyed LONG before, we Americans got to even see the first episode. I do my studying, and I found out not only was it a totally British show, but that by the time we saw it, it had been over for many MONTHS in the UK!

But the bright shining star, that gave me hope, was that UK webpages I found, were saying a Season 2 was already a definite GO in the UK!! I was like, YES, that is something! Surely someone over there will post episodes online and I will get to see it, and thumb my nose at NBC. Sadly though, as months went by, I forgot about the magic realm of Camelot, forgot about young Merlin and his friend Gaius, forgot about the smarmy Arthur and his magic-hater father Uther. And then word came that SyFy was airing Season 2, and all my love came flodding back and I was SO excited! Like a giddy child! And then...being as it is SyFy, and on the page of the TV Guide I bend over, I missed the first episode. And I recorded episode 2, but I was not going to miss out on what had occurred on Episode 1! So by the time it was about to air Episode 3, I went internet surfing. I knew I couldn't trust megavideo, they cut you off at 72 minutes!! So I searched and finally I found 2 websites that allowed me to watch my missed episode...and so much more!

It had ALL 13 episodes of season 2 online! For the next few nights, I had my laptop basically pressed against my nose as I watched all 13 episodes! America is on number 4, and I have seen them all!! Hahahaha! Now I am in withdrawal though. And they aren't bringing it back, even in the UK until September! Someone MUST remind me to keep checking these pages I found and hopefully, some kind English man/woman will post the current episodes as they air! I am probably going to buy Season 1 when it gets out, any day now I think. But that also pisses me off because that means I have to wait like a year to buy Season 2...why on Earth are they making me wait so long?!!

So now I have a UK show I adore. So this has me thinking, are there any more I might be missing that are as good as Merlin, filled with magic and good story? So I have bookmarked several shows that Amazon recommended if you buy Season 1 of Merlin. Which I think means they are UK shows. When I have a chance I will give each show a chance. If episode 1 doesn't capture me, that usually means I will not be into it, so that is a gift. LOL! So I think the following are UK based, but these are the ones I will be giving a try:Legend of the Seeker, Sanctuary, Robin Hood, Hex and Durham County. Jeremiah has Luke Perry so I think that must be US made. But I have high hopes to love some more UK shows!

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Friday, April 23, 2010


Today was just a day. Another day, that falls right after the one before. Nothing special happened. Nothing good happened. Nothing bad. Just a day much like any other. Like all the days that seem to be falling one after the other, like dominoes before they fall. Nothing changes. It just is the same as the one before and will be the same as the one to come.

I am not one who likes changes. I oppose change, I fight it. I like things to stay the same, to be comfortable, to be something to rely on. I like the feeling of leaving something and then returning to it later, and it is exactly as I left it. I like this sense of consistency.

However, in some regards change is what I long for. There are certain areas where I beg and pray for change. I want change inside of me. Sure, there are things on the outside of me and around me, I would like to be different. But just to feel different inside my brain, my heart, my soul, oh how welcome that would be. I am quite used to the feelings of desperation, agony, pain, hurt, fear and so much more that has set up residency in my brain since I was 18 years old. 18...that was so long ago, and just when life should have really begun for me. Instead it was when my mind became a steel cage, trapping me inside it, burrowing it's way into every aspect of my life.

I try to remember what I was like before. Before medications began, before therapy sessions, before I needed a doctor for anything more than a cold or a tooth cleaning. And I can't remember. I try to think, what WAS I like before this all began, and I can't recall who I was. I know I have always been shy, always looking for true friends, always feeling not quite good enough...but what was I like? Was I silly? Was I a giggler? Was I laid back or nonchalant? Did I like to be alone? Was I energetic? Was I an optimist? Did I crack jokes? How did I used to think? Did I ponder or was I impulsive? I can't remember, not any of it. It was so long ago, almost a lifetime it seems. Who was I before? Was this who I was meant to become? Or did I do something to mess it all up?

It is like I truly am a crab (which is my Zodiac sign) in the way I rush up to the edge of the sand near the ocean, but when the water starts to rush back in, I run and hide from it. I want to experience that new sensation but I am afraid of what will happen. So I hide in my shell like a hermit crab, hiding from the world. A random interjection I know. But it popped in my head. I can BE quite random.

The days run into each other, nothing changing anymore. Nothing improving. Things can't get much worse, because I feel I have hit rock bottom. When you actively search for medications and more knowledge on some disability you have, that you will never be rid of either I found out, that is usually a good indication that you have accepted your fate.

So the days are the same, no change in sight. I don't know if I wouldn't run from it, if change presented itself. I am the perpetual crab.

Who was I? Do you think I messed up the plan that was meant for me? What if this was never supposed to happen? What if one single act I committed, that I am not even aware of I hope, altered the course of my life? What if I was meant for so much more? And does that mean I have failed? And who have I failed? Me, or God? Does God consider me a failure, or was this, all of this, my fate before I was even born? Did I actually agree to experience this? Why would I? I feel I can not handle this life, so would I have truly agreed to it up in Heaven? We were at the front lines of the war in Heaven, that is what I was taught, why we were chosen to live NOW. Was I such a soldier that I felt I could defeat this? So many questions, and no answers in sight. Should you really be wanting the Second Coming to happen, just so you can have some sense of closure? These are things I say to myself, question myself.

What do you think? How do you feel your life was dealt, and do you think you agreed to shoulder certain burdens? I know that my religion says we were not given anything that we couldn't handle, but do you all think that is 100% true? And how do you think these decisions were decided upon? Why did Joe S. get cancer? Why did Sue L. have a child with Autism? Why was Evelyn T. given schizophrenia? Were they someone special in Heaven? Did they volunteer? Did I step up and agree to my burdens because I could handle them, in the long run? If you have no answers, I suppose I understand. Maybe this is all just too introspective. But the words seemed to flow from my fingertips and just "happened". I am not asking you to feel bad for me or tell me to feel better. I honestly ponder this all. A lot. And I guess your true thoughts would be interesting to see.

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Book Review: You Can Be Everything God Wants You To Be by Max Lucado

Thanks to, I got to read a copy of Max Lucado's "You Can Be Everything God Wants You to Be".

This is a gift book great for anyone, in my opinion. And appropriate for everyone. I think everyone struggles with what their place is in God's plan, and this book is just a little helpful guide to realizing where you belong. It wants you to recognize that God made you to be exactly as you are, there is nothing in you that is a mistake, he made us all to be unique. He gave us all gifts and purposes and we need to keep working at finding them to please HIM, and be proud of the purpose he has for us. We need to realize our purpose is not everyone else's purpose. We have our gift and need to nurture it, as others need to nurture theirs.

I really enjoy the writing of Max Lucado. He puts things in a way that makes it easier to understand what scriptures, and what he thinks, God wanted to tell us. Like many others, I feel what gift or gifts I might have, are small and inconsequential. But then you are reminded in this book of the mustard seed, the widow's mite and the stone that felled Goliath. Such small things that had such HUGE after affects. Small deeds can end up affecting someone in a big way. We may think a small random act of kindness is nothing, but to the person we were kind to, it could end up affecting their life in ways we never imagined. God works in mysterious ways and we need to accept that and trust in that. I would definitely recommend this book to others. To hear someone say, in words, that God made a mold just for me and then broke it so I would be the only makes you think. And I think that is important.

Disclosure of Material Connection: I received this book free from Thomas Nelson Publishers as part of their book review bloggers program. I was not required to write a positive review. The opinions I have expressed are my own. I am disclosing this in accordance with the Federal Trade Commission’s 16 CFR, Part 255

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Wednesday, April 21, 2010

"Son of a Bitch" (that's your warning)

I am having a really BAD day. One of those crying for no apparent reason, bad days. The knowledge I gained from that paperwork, okay some helped. It was like confirmation, the first half, like heck yeah, I am not alone, all sorts of other people have that happen. But the medication section really scared me even more then I thought when I wrote that post last night. I ended up bawling in fear later. But I don't really feel like dwelling on my depression. I don't consider it not sharing as I want to do on my blog, I consider it, an I am sick of thinking about it post. So I found the video that sums up how I am feeling RIGHT this moment. And it shows that I am no prude too, as this is in my Favorites on Youtube. So if you hate Sawyer's favorite phrase on Lost, do not watch, but if you find it funny, watch it and I think the number of times you hear it, sums up how Wendy is feeling right now.

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Gives ME "hell"!

Okay people, just so you know from my last post, I am no PRUDE, I am not talking about words like "hell" or even "b&^%$" really. Gives You Hell by AAR and B&^%$ by Meredith Brooks are two songs I love! I just can't stand the vulgar curse words and can't see why people can't "use their words". So no, I am NO prude people, I continue to listen to the Ben Folds song You Don't Know Me, but when the "f-bomb" shows up I sing over it or whatever. Do I seem like a Molly Mormon to you? I think NOT.

Anyway, I think I am under the thinking now, that reading about an illness you have is a BAD idea. My Mom found and printed out a "great" 21 page pamphlet on Bipolar Disorder, both I and II. And she thinks I need to be as informed as she is, the whole "knowledge is power" thing. So I read it...all of it. And okay, the beginning wasn't too bad, it was interesting to see descriptions of what Bi Polar patients go through, and see some of MY stuff in there, so I can see it stems from something. It was kind of nice to be able to think, HEY, see it isn't just me that does that or thinks that, etc.

But then it got to medication talk, and besides just making it hard for me to hang in there with the author, it made me more anxious. I am now MORE confused about what meds to ask to be put on, I am also now leary of ones I was considering. Like I want thyroid problems. Or to have MORE problems with my Diabetes or heart! I am still trying to get into seeing the endocronologist about both those things! And then there is the really bad one, to me, weight gain. The pill that sounds like it could work the best, not only worsens or causes Diabetes and irritates heart problems (!!), it causes weight gain.

I did NOT go through the AGONY of a gastric bypass, and learn how to eat all OVER again, just to gain ALL the weight back! I am already having trouble, remember I finally excercised and did it for 6 MONTHS and found I GAINED 20+ pounds! So I cannot do a pill that will make me gain weight, I don't care of you think that is superficial, but my self esteem is already shot. And I did not lose as much weight as some and have gained a bunch because of hopefully something to do with the endocronologist stuff. So I jut can't. So now I am really scared there is no drug for me, that I can add to my anti-depressant. And I know I need this kind of help. The article even made me feel like my doctor should have had me on a mood-stabilizer as soon as he diagnosed me. So I am a bit leary of the OLD dude that is my doctor.

I am just feeling overwhelmed. All I want is to be able to go into my appointment, which is in 12 DAYS, and say Doc, I want to try adding ____ to my pill regimen. And explain why I think it would be most beneficial to me. Depacote (urrghh could be wrong) and Seroquel cause weight gain. So I need something that leaves my weight alone. And preferably my Diabetes and heart. I am feeling so worried now.

Reading about a condition you have may be a bad idea, in my opinion. I was better off an hour ago. I had hope. Now I am feeling hopeLESS. GAH! I hate that feeling!

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Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Cursng/Cussing...Why?! Friend or foe to You?

So, I was on errands the other day, and I heard a song that I personally was hearing from the first time. I listen to my Ipod a LOT, so I don't actually hear that much radio lately. I hate "commercials". So when the song "Billionaire" came on, I was like "oooh yeah, nice voice and beat", I loved it. So I was really excited to download it for my personal enjoyment on my Ipod.

And then I played the first download. I was doing my groove thang and then "rrwwwwrrr" (thing of the noise a record player makes when you rip the needle across it), there it was. The freaking, quite unexpected "F-bomb". I know they clean up songs for radio, but the word "fricking" just sounded so natural as it was sung, not like a dub in or anything. Yes I know, that fricking is as bad to some of you as the "F-bomb", but not really to me. To me it is an alternative than using foul language.

And I am hyper-critical when it comes to swearing/cursing and cussing. I have talked before about how I just cannot DO it. Not even cuss words. My BAD words are crap, bloody and I may use the acronym of P.I.T.A. occasionally, but that is it. I just find it so vulgar in real life and in music. You hear it all the time in movies, so maybe I am desensitized in that, though of course I would be delighted if they eliminated the curse words at least, but I admit, in regards to movies I am rarely fazed with it. But in all other regards, it pisses me off!

There are over a quarter of a million distinct English words, and that I believe does not include a lot of the slang, etc used or words that are now kind of obsolete. So don't you think these "writers", should be able to use some better language skills to express themselves?! To me, lyrics are poetry set to music. And poetry is supposed to USE language to create, explore, etc. So why on Earth can't they find a word that is better than F___ that, or stupid ____h, or a__hole?! I might be insane but I would prefer, PREFER, to hear this kind of conversation:

Because I DO have friends, and they know I am Mormon, or that I hate cursing, but they can't help themselves, and will start "F-ing" this and that and throw all those words I hate around in one tirade. And you might guess, I say nothing about my dislike of the words to them, I have no back-bone and am too afraid of losing friends to remind them. (Heck, I texted my ONE really good IRL friend last night, telling her I needed my friend, that I was really doing bad, and she said she would be there for me. But I can't even get her to email me back and it has been 4 months...yeah maybe I should take a hint). Anyway, I hate having to sit there and hear all the ugly words added to sometimes really NICE conversations. It spoils them a little, in my mind, when you litter then with vulgarities. Do I stop being someone's friend because they curse? No, not at all, but I would appreciate it is when they remember, they TRY not to do it too much around me. Just some consideration.

So I really dislike it when I find a song I really like, either just because or because it speaks to me, and later find out it has a strike against it. Like this "Billionaire" song, I can't help listening to the CLEAN version I have, I really like the song, but when I am singing it in my head, guess what word accidentally pops in that space half the time now?! And it seems so lame to have it in there. There are a few songs I really like, REALLY like, but they have to include a vulgar word like in ONE spot of the entire song! Oh my gosh, you should have seen my face...okay I didn't even see my face but I could feel it...the first time I listened to "You Don't Know Me" on my Ipod. I had downloaded it, but had been listening to it mostly on the radio, and then one night it starts while I am in the shower listening to my Ipod and when they get to the ONE spot they decided to plug in the "F-bomb" I BLANCHED. I was blasting this music and my Dad was in the room next door watching TV!! I was definitely thinking if I could make myself say it out loud, I would definitely say I am in deep s___ if he heard that in his house. It was SO unexpected. And didn't even need to be in that sentence from the song.

I just don't get why they need to add a rude word once or twice into an otherwise clean song. I mean some groups it is every other word so you should expect that. But some songs it was just a complete shock to hear that the radio edition's were just too kind and I better make sure I have the clean versions of some of my current fave songs.

There is just so much diverse language to be used, why use these same words, that everyone knows are meant to be vulgar, etc, when you can find brilliant words to use that convey so much more and make you a person who uses their brains? What is your opinion?

Sorry end of tirade, it just...irks me. I find it irksome. And I decided to include a few of the songs, their CLEAN versions, so you can make sure to note, I want to buy/download the clean versions. Or if you really enjoy that other explicit language, you can know, hey I need to go on Youtube and find the "REAL" versions. Maybe some of these songs you will be surprised to see posted as you also thought, HEY, I had NO idea that song had anything objectional in the language!

1) Billionaire by Travie McCoy ft. Bruno Mars (Clean Edition)

2) Funhouse by Pink (Clean Edition)

3) You Don't Know Me by Ben Folds (Clean Version)

4) Bottle It Up (Clean Version - I admit I have the normal one on this one)

5) Girlfriend by Avril Lavigne (Clean Version)

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Monday, April 19, 2010

Disney Music You Can Watch!! Grab the kiddies!

Since it is still the weekend and not that many of us blog on weekends, I am doing a blog with some music videos. DISNEY music videos. I was inspired by MamaFace and that she had no idea Jeremy Irons sang a song in Lion King, it was SHOCKING! (Mama!!LOL!)

Be Prepared sung by Jeremy Irons (Lion King, this one is for you MamaFace!)

I'll Make a Man Out of You sung by Donny Osmond (Mulan. This is STUCK in my brain right now!)

Strangers Like Me sung by Phil Collins (Tarzan. LOVE this song!)

Hawaiian Roller Coaster Ride sung by Mark Keali'i Ho'omalu and Kamehameha Schools Children's Choir (Lilo & Stitch)

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Sunday, April 18, 2010

Stop & Shop 2010 Hybrid Spark Giveaway!!!

Thanks to MYBLOGSPARK, I got to participate in the Stop & Shop 2010 Hybrid Spark. April is here which means it’s time to celebrate Earth month! This month, Stop & Shop is paying homage to Mother Earth by offering you the chance to win one of two 2010 eco-friendly Hybrid cars!

Entering couldn’t be easier! From April 16-29, buy 5 participating General Mills items with your Stop & Shop card, use a re-useable shopping bag and you’ll automatically be entered to win. There are two different sets of participating General Mills items for each week of the promotion (participating brands listed below). No purchase is necessary. You can also enter without making a purchase by completing an official entry form at your local Stop & Shop store. There are two 2010 Hybrid cars up for grabs, and the more you buy the better your chances are to win! Limit one entry per visit. Open to residents of MA, RI, CT, NH, NJ, NY, MD, DE, VA or DC and individuals at least 18 years old. For details about the sweepstakes, see in-store for complete rules.

Week 1. April 16-22
Cascadian Farms Cereal
Cascadian Farms Frozen Vegetables
Progresso Light, Reduced Sodium and High Fiber Soups
Betty Crocker Specialty
Betty Crocker Boxed Muffins
Betty Crocker Cookie Pouch
Nature Valley Crunchy, Sweet & Salty, Trail Mix and Yogurt Bars
Nature Valley Granola Nut Clusters
General Mills Fiber One Chewy Bars
Betty Crocker Gushers, Fruit Shapes, Fruit by the Foot or Fruit Rollups
Green Giant Valley Fresh Steamers
Yo-Pus, Yoplait Fiber One or Yoplait Delights Multi Pack
Yoplait Original, Light, Thick & Creamy, Light Thick & Creamy or Whips
Pillsbury Grands Biscuits
Totino's Pizza Rolls
90 Ct.
Cheerios 18 Oz
Cinnamon Toast Crunch 24.9 Oz
Honey Nut Cheerios 25.25 Oz
Kix 18 Oz
Lucky Charms 24 Oz
Multigrain Cheerios 16.2 Oz

Week 2, April 23-29
Cascadian Farms Cereal
Green Giant Vegetables
Nature Valley Crunchy or Sweet & Salty Granola Bars
Green Giant Boxed Vegetables or Prepared Vegetables, Simple Steam Seasoned Vegetables or Rices
Green Giant Wanchai Ferry Entrees
Yoplait Frozen Smoothies
Totino's Pizza Rolls
Pillsbury Savorings
Fiber One Muffins
Pillsbury Crescent Rolls
Pillsbury Sweet Rolls
Yoplait Greek Style Yogurt
Yoplait Kid Multi Pack
Cheerios 14 Oz
Cocoa Puffs 16.5 Oz
Honey Nut Cheerios 17 Oz
Lucky Charms 16 oz
Multigrain Cheerios 12.8 Oz
Reeses Peanut Butter Puffs 18 Oz

I used my gift card to buy a box of Lucky Charms and a bunch of Yoplait Peach yogurt and Betty Crocker Au Gratin potato mixes! Mmmm, this was a great help with grocery shopping and as someone who already uses re-usable shopping bags and has a S&S card, it was so easy! You have to try it!

Thanks to BlogSpark, I get to give away ONE $20 Stop & Shop Gift Card!!

To Win:

Leave a Comment about "Which General Mills products will you stock up on for your 2010 eco-friendly Hybrid car entry?"...1 Entry

Tweet about this and Leave Proof...1 Entry

Follow My Blog...1 Entry

Add My Button to Your Page...2 Entries

BLOG About my Giveaway and Leave me the URL...5 Entries


Giveaway ends Saturday, April 24th , 2010!

*The gift cards and information were all given to me from General Mills and Stop & Shop through MyBlogSpark.)

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Saturday, April 17, 2010

Friday Fragments

*I need some new underwear. Yup, I wrote that and didn't flinch. Will have to go out tomorrow, want some new ones for Florida, so I can feel like they can be packed and I can live without them. Yeah I have some exciting Fragments for you!

* We watched New In Town again tonight. I have got to say, seeing Harry Connick, Jr trying to yank open that zipper, and Renee Zelwegger being tossed about like a doll, never gets old. I do wish I liked Tapioca though, as the movie makes it seem so good. Yuck...tapioca. Like pudding with fish eggs!

*Our new microwave is IN, in the slot and all. It just is a wee bit bigger than the box made it sound, goes down another ice in one area, that makes it impossible to hold some of our salt and pepper shakers, etc. I bought a small lazy susan thing though for the table so we can put the bigger ones there. It can't be returned now and my Dad worked SO hard!

*Everything feels like it is agitating me lately. Maybe there IS something to that whole spring season is BiPolar season. Every criticism, every little dig, sets me off into being majorly upset, crying or anger. I can't believe I am wanting a psych. appointment to come faster. But we need to do more drug research first so I need to stop hoping that. It is just hard to be feeling so agitated and out of control and miserable and all. BLECH!

*I need some help with ideas for posts, anyone have some suggestions for me?

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Friday, April 16, 2010

Eat my SEARS card!!

Man, I was hoping returning the glasses would be quick and easy, but the Sear lady wanted ANSWERS. Really, she has no right, if you are not satisfied within the 90-day money back guarantee time, you return them! And I could NOT see, so yeah, I feel that is a problem. But I went over it all, not being able to see, even with a different lens material used and frankly I have no faith in the prescription. My eyesight improved....I do not think so. That would be nice sure, but I have been feeling I needed a slightly stronger RX and the dude tells me I need less help. Obviously as I can't see out of HIS script, HE is WRONG. SO it was a hassle. It took over an hour, because there was ONE worker there. Her co-worker left at 4 because it "was dead". She was cussing and mumbling rude comments the WHOLE time. MAN, she was scary.

Went out to dinner with the family after. It was nice, although I got stuffed and stuffed after a Gastric Bypass makes you feel YUCKY, and I hated food again. It was really good Italian before that! LOL! We rushed home though, because Bones was on at 8 and it was all new, YEAH!

So there is one thing though. My Mom actually thought it would HELP, to remind me that Florida was in 31 days, she wanted to incite me to get OCD. I have no idea why though. Unless she thinks it will get me excited, as I just don't feel ANYTHING. No excitement, no flurry of...anything. I don't know why. *shrugs* But it did get my OCD all in a twist. I have all my suitcases and toiletry stuff out, and I have a bunch of toiletries packed. I also have shorts, PJ tops and bottoms already packed. Plus I am about to pack the sheets I take (I am a germaphobe I make no secrets about it...and I watched too much CSI), the tees I will take, my towel and my blanket. Shut it, it reminds me of home and is so old and thin it takes like a 3 inch cube of space. SO I am already well on my way. Can't pack electronics until the day before my Dad and Kate take off with the dog. Plus under garments and dvd's are all packed in the days before we leave, I do not have enough bras to pack them now. Plus many are in need of replacing hooks or eyes so I cannot spare a bra. LOL.

Now my OCD is in hyper-drive and I WANT everything to be packed. But I would kid of find it hard to live with NO camera's, Nintendo DS, etc for 31 days. Oy. My Mother released a monster!

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Thursday, April 15, 2010

Tuesday Trivialities

It has been an interesting few days. Besides, the disastrous dentist appointment, even. My Dad was in charge of dinner on Sunday, and he had just finished cooking the turkey bacon (to me, YUCK. Like colored construction paper!), and was about to cook the regular bacon, when the over-range microwave zapped and DIED. (Yeah we real bacon eaters had badly burnt bacon from the stove) And we use the microwave so much! So this was NOT happy news! Even for neck and headaches, we all have these beanie buddies neck things that you nuke in the microwave and wrap around your neck, so this was not good. My parents went out Tuesday and bought a new one and my Dad attempted to put it in on Wednesday. This was not a good thing. There were expletives and such as he tried with Katie to lift it in place, with Sandy shining a flashlight at the holes they were trying to screw in...which stripped the screw on the right eventually. So my Mom and I went down to the home improvement store and asked for help finding a bolt just like it, but MAN, they do NOT know what they are doing. Mom and I both found the best option ones on our own. Lame helper! But it was almost 9pm when we got home so the microwave still sits on the ground. And my Dad has to go off to work a far away job so it will be MIA until at least Friday...I am a slave to the nuker, I have been like...agghhh how do I eat THIS?!!

I got 5 of the keys in and was busy working on them yesterday. Most came as just the pendant, and they didn't even have the circular piece that actually goes ON the chain. So I was hurting my fingers and hands trying to do that...I do not own jewelry tools people, I was using tweezers and nail clippers. I HURT my fingers! OUCH.

I found out from Katie, that Spring time is considered BiPolar SEASON among a lot of professionals!! The weird facts she is picking up at this Psych Ward. Apparently most BiPolar people (Type I or II) do really badly in the Spring...hey, anything to explain why life SUCKS right now is nice, but I doubt it since I have been having this really bad patch for over 18 months, and this BAD BAD patch since around September. Ugh. S.S.D.D.! I am just really struggling.

Being so not okay with...anything in life right now, has made it so I SO want to use retail therapy. It might be a temporary feel good feeling, but at least it feels good. But I am supposed to be saving for Florida retail therapy, 2 weeks of vacation where I can but what I feel like buying from stores I mostly don't get to shop at, usually because they are not in CT at all. I LOVE going to the Florida Mall, it has such cool shops! But I couldn't help myself and went back to Kohl's and picked up another tee on sale, and then I saw a tee I fell in love with, it was coppery and I have nothing like it, so I had to have it. Sadly it was so not on sale, $26! I usually only pay that kind of money for a tee WHEN IN FLORIDA!! But I couldn't resist. Darn it all!

Today I got something that was so needed. A letter from Sheri of Sheri's World. She sent me a great letter and some cute prizes including REAL Mardi Gras beads from New Orleans!! Which maybe I am a spaz, but I got so exited about them, lol! I doubled hem around Maxie but I had no camera, I will have to try to remember to do that. I was holding him so I couldn't see but Mom and Sandy said he looked adorable! It was just like the perfect day to get this package, it was the one bright spot of my day.

Tomorrow I am going to return my glasses and ask for a refund. Then I will have to find a new place to try that our insurance covers.

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Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Evil Doctor

Oh, please we all know it is true. Dentists are evil and they live to dole out pain and frustration! Ugh! I LOATHE going to the dentist, the thought of an appointment will be on my brain for days before I actually have to go, that is how much I worry and think about it! The sounds grate on my nerves and freak me out, the smells of the tooth cleaning paste and what not makes me want to gag...I just HATE the dentist. It probably doesn't help that no matter what I do, I seem to get cavities and I also always had the problems as a kid/teenager.

I had the jaw that needed a bionator to correct my bite. Yeah, I had to take a drool cloth to school with me because I had to wear it all DAY! And I drooled! Then I had to wear this ginormous rubber mouth thing in junior high, 7th grade, when I got home until I went to bed. THEN came the braces and mouthpiece. But my front teeth went back to the original spots and I ended up having to have braces a second time in High School. And they went back, those front teeth. So I ended up self-conscious about even showing my teeth for oh about 12 years. Until I had the 4 teeth ground down just about 19 months ago and had them replaced with 2 crowns and 2 veneers and I now, after a lot of pain over the process that took months, have teeth I show. When I first started blogging I had just gotten them finished, and I was SO proud to post pictures of ME smiling, because I had this fake smile that covered the one longer tooth in front, and my sisters said you could always tell it was my fake smile. Or I smiled close mouthed and I covered my mouth when I laughed. So my point? I have had way too much dentist office time, and I hate it.

Today I went in for a cavity filling, which I HATE. But it is a 45 minute appointment, so I was like I can handle this on my own, yeah...yeah. So I even arrive a few minutes early and they then put me in a room, they now have TV's which is a nice distraction so I put Ellen on, as it was just starting and waited. And waited. 30 minutes go by before the Dr. comes in just to inject me with novacaine! And DANG I hate that needle, it is SO huge and hurts so bad! And he leaves, and I know he has to wait about 10 minutes, but I keep on waiting. He was with me for 2 minutes maybe and I waited ANOTHER 30 minutes before he finally showed up!! A 45 minute appointment should NOT actually begin over 1 hour into it!! Then he finally starts working and after like 15 minutes I am feeling some painful sensitivity, and my brain is like NOOOO. NO, please, NO. He has under-numbed me before, but he checked BEFORE he began by tugging on my lips and stuff. He did NOT do that this time. I started flinching involuntarily and he noticed and asked if I was hurting. I was like "thes, thes I ham!", and he was like, can you handle it? I do not do pain well, so I was like screaming inside as I asked how much "wonger" it would be? He said only a few minutes so I was like no way am I waiting here for another freaking half hour, I have errands to do, so I had him finish as I was. Which was very, very uncomfortable. I finally left and went to the car, feeling like I could be drooling my FACE was so numb, and saw I had been in that office for 1 hour and 38 minutes!! And I have to go BACK June 3rd for another cavity filling.

Can you not see why dentists are EVIL?!! They make you wait, which stresses you out, then they hurt you and make you schedule appointments to be hurt AGAIN. Sadistic P.I.T.A.'s!!!

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Tuesday, April 13, 2010

10 of Disney's Best Songs

I wrote this for A.C. but I put more work into it than I thought I would so I decided to post it here after I submitted it. You all should know by now how much I ADORE everything Disney. I wrote papers on the MAN, he is one of my personal heroes! There are many more songs of course, I have lots of favorites, over 60 on my IPOD I just put there a few days ago, but these are a good range of why Disney songs are so special. From soft and slightly sad to exuberant!

1) "Two Worlds" sung by Phil Collins in the Disney film, Tarzan. I think it beautifully summarized Tarzan's struggle to fit in with both his gorilla family that raised him, and with the other humans, that are like him in so many ways and that he wants to be part of too. He is being torn in two directions, two different rules, but what he wants is to join his two worlds into one big family.

2) "Go the Distance" sung by Roger Bart in Hercules. Michael Bolton also sings a version of this song, but I prefer the movie version. Hercules is struggling to find his place in the world. He knows he is different, but he just wants to belong and be PART of something. And he isn't going to give up, he will keep on trying, which is a wonderful message.

3) "Part of Your World" sung by Jodi Benson in the film The Little Mermaid. Ariel doesn't understand why everyone thinks humans are so bad, when they create all these "magical items" she finds under the sea. She is showing her yearning to be able to explore the world that she doesn't know. She wants a chance to stand on her own and learn new things, instead of just watching them from a distance.

4) "The Age of Not Believing" which is sung by Angela Landsbury in Bedknobs & Broomsticks. She sings of losing that innocence you have where everything has happy endings. She tells us we have to accept that we will lose that sense of belief in all things magical, but that it is time we find ourselves to BE what is magical. You have to FACE this age, and I have always loves the words and the way Angela sings them.

5) "Best of Friends" is sung by Pearl Bailey in the Disney film, The Fox and the Hound. It is a song about friendship, how innocent it is, but that when you get older, people will get in the way of that friendship. When you are young though, no prejudices can stop that friendship, opinions don't matter. And that hopefully, when you are older, you can see past those differences still and remain...well, the best of friends.

6) "Baby of Mine" sung in Dumbo by Betty Noyes, makes me cry to this day. It is such a lovely lullaby. There is also a version sung by Bette Midler, which is also quite beautiful. You don't really need to dissect the reasons why this song is wonderful, it shows the utter love and devotion a mother has for her child. Which in itself is beautiful. Who doesn't want their mother to feel this way about them?

7) "I'll Make a Man Out of You" from the film Mulan, sung by Donny Osmond and the Chorus. This song is just so powerful, and their leader, wants them to all succeed. He finds it a personal failure when he feels he has to send "Mulan" home, because he feels he can't train this sad excuse for a soldier. The lyrics are just so beautiful, so many comparisons to the land around them, to nature. This song is about perseverance and I think that is extremely powerful and something worth fighting for.

8) "A Whole New World" from Aladdin, sung by the movie's own Brad Kane & Lea Salonga. This couple is on a magical journey and the sights are not the only thing they are experiencing for the first time. They are falling in love, which is a whole new world to them both. And they are sharing it together. Disney picked the perfect song to show the love developing and blossoming on a "magical carpet ride". They see all these amazing wonders as they fly above the clouds, but the most amazing wonder is Love.

9) "Feed the Birds" sung by Julie Andrews in Mary Poppins. This song is sad but happy at the same time. She is saying that God is watching the woman feed his creatures and smiling as she gets others to show they care, for all of his creatures. She isn't just calling to others, she is calling to us too, to remember to be kind and show love to all. That is what I get from it anyway. Just give a tuppence. CARE.

10) "When You Wish Upon a Star" sung by Cliff Edwards in Pinocchio, will always be one of THE most magical Disney songs ever written. All you have to do, anything you want to happen, will come true, if you use your heart to wish upon a star. If you remain a dreamer and believe in it with all your might, anything is possible. That is what makes this Disney's most powerful song. It is what Disney stands for: dreams, wishes and magic.

I will even include one that is STUCK in my noggin, and it is difficult to write the lyrics, as...well you will see:

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Monday, April 12, 2010

Scalding Water

This is a poem I wrote when I was upset one night. Maybe it is lame, maybe it makes no sense, but I still like it for some reason, so I decided to type it up and see what you thought.

Scalding Water

I've been sent to the back-burner again

My fears and worries set aside for another's

No one cares as I boil over and scald myself

I've lost the attention of the ones who would care.

Why do I let myself be judged and appraised?

When all you do is spit me out and hate the aftertaste

You'll go to anyone else to cleanse your palate

And you set me aside and let me scald myself.

You could care less that I counted on your attention

You'd rather see me dissipate and be lost forever

You can't take the time to see that I don't go bitter

To take the time would mean you'd have to care.

You said you'd be in charge and make it all better

That you stir things in a way to balance the flavors

But you put me on the back-burner and cranked me up to high

Knowing I'd have to boil over and once again, scald myself.

You knew that on my own I'd burn and leave a stain

I'd turn to charred remains and be tossed out with the refuse

But you watched and sat back as I boiled with crazy madness

Knowing I'd soon be gone, a scald stain on the stove top.

You weren't supposed to let me burn and boil and steam like this

You made promises of helping whisk the fears away for good

Of adding flavors to erase all the bitterness I feel all day

But you broke your word and threw me out, with the trash.

Is that how you see me, as a filthy piece of trash?

Is that what you wanted, a boiled over mess?

You've managed to make me feel like a distasteful waste of life

So have your way, I'll just continue, to boil over and scald myself.

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Saturday, April 10, 2010

Keeper of the Keys

I just wanted to show you guys the keys that are on their way. Can you blame me for liking them all?! Oy, I just hope they live up to MY liking. They could be quite pretty, but if they don't live up to my expectations...buh-bye. LOL! So you can all see HOW obsessive I got the other night.

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Friday Fragments

*The freaky weather has changed once more dramatically. Last night I was in a tee and capri pj pants. Today I am in pj pants, a tee and a sweater hoodie. Socks too of course because it is CHILLY. Two days ago it was in the 70's at night, tonight it is about 40. This is giving everyone headaches (me migraines) and screwing with their allergies. PICK a season, weather!! It is April so it is supposed to be cool still! I am SO not ready for SUMMER yet at all! Yuck!

*Man. My OCD lets me go way overboard. I decided to search for gothic/victorian key pendants online, rather than go all over creation and not finding anything. So I was not happy at first. There were thousands of key necklaces, do NOT get me wrong. They just happen to be freaking expensive!! We are talking for the most part $28 to $1,300!! Seriously! So when I found some that were "okay" or that I did like, I went a wee bit overboard. Yeah, I spent $75 on EIGHT necklaces/pendants (not all come with a chain!). I bought ONE from Ebay, a BUY NOW one. Plain but cute. And I ended up placing the 1st bids on 3 other Ebay ones. I went on my way. I ordered 2 from Torrid. One has multiple keys, so that one necklace could actually become 4 if I want it too. OY! And then I happened on this site that had really reasonable pewter ones, and they had this awesome fleur-de-lis one, and this leafy one called "Queen's Key". Since I had the first and lowest bid on those Ebay ones and they had 10-19 hours LEFT, I assumed I would be outbid and not have to worry about those as I had 5 now, but potentially through my craftiness, it could be 8. Yeah...I WON those Ebay ones! I could NOT believe it!! I will post pictures of them maybe tomorrow. I can't wait for them to arrive. Oy this idea of being a Keeper of the Keys, the cool Chatelaine.

*I LOATHE Brownies. No, NOT the yummy chocolatey goodness bars, but the little girls. My Mom and I went to eat at Bertucci's Friday night around 6:30pm. They couldn't accomadate that many kids and their Moms so they split them up, and WHERE did they place us? Right in the middle of them. Shrieking, giggly girls, LOUD mothers, constant running by our table as they stole more and more and MORE toothpicks to stuff for some insane reason in the dough they give kids to play with. We couldn't even TALK, because we would have had to shout over them. It was like being in a Red Robins!! Except this is a REAL restaurant! If you want to let your kids run wild and be loud and crap, go to the places where "a kid can be a kid"!! Friendly's or IHOP or whatever. Red Robin's!! You KNOW you can't hold a conversation in that place! But this is supposed to be a nice Italian place, so talking should be doable! Freaking headache inducing Brownies!! And yes, they did give my Mom a headache, so it is a fact, Jack!

*We went and saw Date Night after dinner. It was so fun!! I was worried it would feel like a skit. I liked Baby Mama, but it felt like one long Amy/Tina skit. This movie, however, FELT like a movie. Tina Fey and Steve Carrel have such great chemistry!! They are totally believable as a married couple who tries to spice up their dull date night by taking someone else's reservations. And then all HELL breaks loose. Dirty cops and mobsters are after them and they have no idea how to get anyone to believe they are not these "Tripplehorns". Hilarity ensues as they must fight together, to get their lives back, to get HOME. So they need to rely on one another fully and this makes them realize all over again, why they married each other. You will not be bored for one second. This duo lights the screen up, and the supporting cast is great. You got people from William Fitchner to James Franco to Ray Liotta. This is one hilarious movie that needs to be seen!

*Like I didn't spend enough money last night, we stopped by Kohl's as we had time before the movie started. You all should know by now, I have a LONG standing obsession with THIN, SOFT, graphic t-shirts. And for once, Kohl's had them! They always have graphic shirts, but they had soft and thin ones!! It was SO hard to only walk away with TWO!! And they were on sale!! *weeps* But I am supposed to be saving for Florida in May so I had to stop at 2! And I also found a turquoise and silver ring I fell in love with and it was 60% off! I am wearing it right now, it needs to be worn to feel like part of my ring family! And then my Mom did the sweetest thing, she paid for everything including her two plain shirts she wanted for Florida! My Mom is the sweetest!

*I have an appt. with my psychiatrist in May. I have the fax number for the endocronologist, he wants my medical records sent to him before he will see me. Katie is going to try and bring some info home on Bipolar Type II for me. My Mom is going to talk to a sister at church who works in a psych facility about what meds she feels work well, and an APRN at work too. My Mom also is going to ask them to recommend a book they feel is best so we can understand this illness of mine better. It is different in a LOT of ways from Type I Bipolar. We looked at some meds but I do NOT want to be on those. One is Seroquel, they have tv commercials. It makes you gain weight and is not good for Diabetes!! Hello! NO! So I am feeling a bit discouraged because the meds we did look at are all scary side effects. I want one that has less scary side effects. My Mom wants more info on Lithium, she as an RN, knows about stuff, and found a huge article that talked about how great it does with the Manic episodes, but it is the Depressive episodes that type II has more of, so I want to know about THAT. So we did some work today. Did you know that while Type I has constant ups and down, mania then depression, over and over, Type II you get like 35 bad depressive episodes and one manic one, and that cycle repeats. I have got to say I would not mind feeling this euphoric feeling Type I's get with Mania. It sounds happy and even if it is a false sense of happiness, it still sounds GOOD. Once in awhile anyway.

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Friday, April 9, 2010

My Chipmunk Mis-Adventure

So it was 6:30 in the morning. It was light out and already 68 degrees, and HUMID. This in itself, is so wrong. We should NOT be seeing 92 degrees in CT in the beginning of April. So I was walking around the kitchen, making up more Koolaid (with Splenda, Diabetic here) as I was dying. I felt like I was broiling from the inside out. I all of a sudden was hearing these weird noises from the deck. I started worrying that there was a stray dog drinking from Maxie's outside bowl, and prayed I would at least find a dog I recognized, as I crept to the door. Except there was nothing. It was really weird. So I walked back to the sink to make my Koolaid and I heard it again.

I run over and see a tiny figure freeze beside the Grill, before running underneath it. A Chipmunk! I ADORE chipmunks! I was like this would be a GREAT photo opportunity, so I grabbed my camera and a slice of bread and went outside. I started talking to the chipmunk, begging it to come eat some bread. I threw some close to the grill as I tried to talk the tiny creature into showing himself. I got to the end of the bread, and there was a pile of bread surrounding the Grill. So I got on my hands ans knees and peered underneath...from a safe distance, I have seen too many movie scenes where the sweet animal ATTACKS! I could see it! Sitting there like a stone statue. So I tried to take a photo, but it was so awkward.

So I ended up laying flat on my stomach, trying to get a photo of the hiding chipmunk, who WAS hiding near a Grill leg. As I was taking a few shots, my key necklace suddenly tugged at my neck. I looked down and the key, still on my chain, was through one of the slats and was stuck sideways. So I thought I was manuevering so it would slide back up through the slat when *snap* and I watched it fall down into the dirt below. The darkly lit dirt below. We have a decent sized deck and due to Maxie wrapping himself around it's legs, hunting whatever lies under there, 3/4 of it are blocked with chicken wire now. That means going through the end and crawling all the way through the PIT down there, to find the key. I could see it through the slats ans wanted to cry. I am terrified of bugs and snakes and...everything! Things going in my hair, biting me...oh man I was a spaz! But I adore this key necklace!

Really, REALLY, adore this necklace. I am on the hunt for more key pendants that look like skeleton keys and are either gothic or victorian. So to lose the ONE I did have, plain, but means a lot to me, freaked me out. So I KNEW I HAD to get it. So, with much trepidation, I began to get ready. Dang that freaking CHIPMUNK!!! I started winterizing myself. Big hat so nothing would get in my hair. Thick jeans so no biting Wendy. I was getting a jacket and shoes and gloves out when Katie showed up, ready to get ready for work. She took one look at me and demanded answers, as I panted from sweat, as it was almost 70 degrees already. I explained the lure of the chipmunk and the KER-PLUNK of my key pendant to the scary depth below. So Kate went for me. She put on pants and flip flops and was god to go. I went to where I could see the key so she could look for my shadow up top and she found it within seconds! MY HEROINE!! LOL!

I was like "screw the chipmunk" and went inside with Katie. I had a necklace to fix and that flipping rodent almost cost me my beloved Key!! I am on the search fr so many more. The Keeper of the Keys I will be! Dang chipmunk hated me. Max ate the bloody bread.

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Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Big M Words

It has not exactly been the easiest last few days, lots of migraine pains, lots of internal pain too. I didn't even realize the extent of the internal pain I was in. That is what can be so frustrating. I mean, yeah I know that I am doing pretty badly right now with my depression and stuff. I KNEW that. As hard as it is, I have accepted the fact that I am miserable and majorly depressed right now.

But I wasn't expecting there to be feelings buried deep inside of myself, that I didn't even realize, not really anyway, that were ready to BURST forth. Katie had a REALLY bad day at her new Psych Patient externship. Her supervisor that she has had for the past week and a half was sick, so she sent Katie over for the day to the out-patient facility where another Occupational Therapist Assistant works, so Katie wouldn't miss a day in her externship. Well, this other woman was terrible to my Kat. She told her she was dressing inappropriately, which was so not true. Katie had nice pants and a nice shirt and sneakers on. An Occupational Therapy Assistant does all the grunt work, that means helping people bathe, wipe their bums, etc, so sneakers are a must. But this out-patient facility, the workers wore elaborate suits and scarves and lots of necklaces...which sounds insane! You are working with Psych patients, sure over there it is outpatient, but what is to stop one from breaking from reality and strangling your skanky booty?!! Nothing! She just made Katie feel like this was so out of her reach, when Kate is almost DONE! She gave Katie a hard time about Katie's ticks/tremors. Katie has fibromyalgia, and though she isn't sharing that, and that IS her choice, you are not allowed to discriminate if someone has just lots of muscle spasms. (Update: Katie's supervisor returned and when she found out what Katie had been told, she was FURIOUS! She told Katie basically ignore everything she was told, she was doing great and, etc, etc.) Anyway, because she had such a bad day, my parents took her out to dinner to spend some quality daughter/parents time together. She didn't want to go, she was so upset, but I was like GO Katie! We don't get Mom and Dad to Ourselves often! And I went off and did my errands.

Except while running them, in the back of my mind I got a little bothered. It just started as feeling bad that I must be jealous. That bothered me, I knew I would have to tell my Mom, as I can't do secrets. Only when I went to tell her, I got really upset. All this stuff came pouring out and I was as surprised as anyone. I was glad Katie got the one-on-one time with our parents, but apparently I was hurt that after all my bad days, they hadn't thought that I needed that kind of time with them. I swear I hadn't realized that. I felt like my problems were being put on the sidelines and that I wasn't as important as everyone else was.

Which brought other things out that I knew I felt sometimes, but that I did not quite realize I felt so strongly about...if that makes any sense. It began to like pour out of me. That I knew I came last, and that it was fine. That Mom and Dad work, Katie is in school and Sam has had surgeries and finished school last year, and I am just me, and obviously, me and my problems have to come last. And it is as it should be. That it is hard to know that but I get it. This did not please my Mother and made her mad when I would say, "It's okay, it's fine". She did not like me thinking this way. But I am me, what am I going to is how I see things.

I am not currently in school, or working, so my problems don't even make sense. I have no idea why I am so not okay. Sure, I know I have several disorders and the Depression AND Bi Polar working together are NOT a good thing, but there are no reasons behind why I am doing so poorly right now. Nothing changed, I just got more and more miserable, and cry ALL the time, and even that, doesn't make the feelings of worthlessness and self-hatred go away. I am a mess and I should be at the bottom of the priority list, because I don't have work or school or surgery recovery to deal with. So I was just trying to convince myself out loud that it's fine to be less important than every one else. And apparently I have been feeling less important for awhile now. I already have like no self-esteem so maybe that is why I didn't really notice it, but for a LONG time, I have felt like I am not a priority. Little things just start to add up for me. My parents agree I am doing BAD, so we have talked about adding a new medication to my mix. Mom was going to be all over that. That was awhile ago. My Dad was going to look into Penn Foster tuition for Medical Transcription versus other online schools, that was months ago. My Mom was going to get me in to see a endocronologist (we don't think going hypoglycemic every night is normal, or excercising and gaining weight, or peeing every 2 minutes, etc), that was also months ago. And I remind them of these promises, and they are just...sidelined.

And it wasn't until this 3 hour talk with my mother, that I realized HOW much this was all bothering me. How second-rate I felt, etc. I felt like I deserve not to be as looked after as my sisters. I feel like I am already enough trouble to deal with and they shouldn't have to do any more to help me. I feel like I am worthless. But I don't like the feeling that my family thinks so too. Which I didn't know HOW much I was not okay with that. All the while saying over and over to my Mom, it was fine. Even though part of me was going, no it isn't Wendy. Part of me was also scary calm and believes it. I feel like I have been put on the back-burner, because I am not as important as everyone else. That my problems, seeing as they are always there, are less important.

And my Mom is trying to convince me that none of this is true. But I don't have much self-esteem, so trying to believe her is hard. Supposedly on Friday, we are going to call and make appointments with my psychiatrist, and with the endocronologist. We are also supposed to sit down and look online at meds I may want to ask the Doctor to try adding to help me. And try to look at some other things that we talked about a month or even longer ago. And my Mom is going to remind my Dad that it was his idea to look at the tuitions and remind him how smug he was that he would do it unlike my Mom. Yeah, he shouldn't talk. So my Mom wants me to get that I am as important as anyone else, but I am struggling with that. I am not sure I will ever feel secure about that. I need reassurance a lot of the time that I AM loved. So...I don't know. It has been a bad few days and now it was 90 here today, disgusting and no one has AC up and working yet, it is April!!

I just feel lost. And lonely. My good friend Hannah that understands, doesn't seem to want to write back. It has been 4 months that she has been promising a response email, and she swears she will write me on "this" day but every day, disappointed. So I feel like I have no one but my family. And I am struggling to feel like an important part of the family. This all sucks. I am so tired of feeling this way, tired of being miserable and depressed. This is beating me, I feel more of myself slipping away. I don't even want to try anymore. I am just so tired. I just want to curl into a ball and feel nothing. Being numb might be preferable.

Sorry, all maudlin and all. But I am being my honest self. This is why, on top of my migraines, I have been MIA for 2 days. Lots of crying and feeling like a loser. I will try to be chipper tomorrow. It IS Maxie's birthday Thursday and we celebrate, of course! And I did love Clash of the Titans and never told you why. So sorry about the depressing post, I am trying to be honest here always though and this is how I am feeling. Morose, morbid, miserable and melancholic. Bunches of big M words.

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