Decisons, Decisions...

We are going with asking my psychiatrist for lithium and topamax in conjunction with it. Lithium studies all show major weight gain, and I could not handle that. The pain and agony of that surgery, for nothing would be too much. So Katie, while at the in-patient facility she is externing at, did some research for me. And found several articles/papers on the fact that if you take Topamax in conjunction with Lithium, Topamax's weight loss side effect, can basically make it so the weight issue side effect is off the table. SO that is what we have decided. Praying on it tonight. I just hope the fact that my doctor is old and very traditional doesn't stop him from listening to what I WANT. We are bringing in the articles and books we bought.

Many books and sites say that Lithium and Depakote are the two best choices for BiPolar, and for some reason, Lithium has been sticking in my mind. Yeah it sounds a little scary, because it has been so talked about, but the fact that they have been using it SO long, so they know more about it, etc. makes it kind of more encouraging too. So if my doctor gives us the go ahead, we are going to wait until the day we return from Florida. My parents AND sisters, think it would be a bad idea to start while we are away AND on vacation. Sure, I am doing real bad, but I want a good vacation, and if Lithium makes me worse, that would SUCK, so yeah. That is what we want to do. It is kind of a little nice to have a course of action. I just hope it is the right decision and that the doctor will let me try this. We have been doing a lot of research and reading and studying. Many have tried this combo and it has helped. Now I just have to crawl out of my skin waiting for an answer from ABOVE, waiting for Monday to go SEE him, and waiting to see if he will agree to let me try this treatment. It sounds like the best one, I can only hope he will see that. And we also want to get me into that blood study, it would be so great to know what classes of drugs I can tolerate better.

Okay...just an update on the decision we reached today. Man, it is hard to breathe right now!

Introspective...

Today was just a day. Another day, that falls right after the one before. Nothing special happened. Nothing good happened. Nothing bad. Just a day much like any other. Like all the days that seem to be falling one after the other, like dominoes before they fall. Nothing changes. It just is the same as the one before and will be the same as the one to come.

I am not one who likes changes. I oppose change, I fight it. I like things to stay the same, to be comfortable, to be something to rely on. I like the feeling of leaving something and then returning to it later, and it is exactly as I left it. I like this sense of consistency.

However, in some regards change is what I long for. There are certain areas where I beg and pray for change. I want change inside of me. Sure, there are things on the outside of me and around me, I would like to be different. But just to feel different inside my brain, my heart, my soul, oh how welcome that would be. I am quite used to the feelings of desperation, agony, pain, hurt, fear and so much more that has set up residency in my brain since I was 18 years old. 18...that was so long ago, and just when life should have really begun for me. Instead it was when my mind became a steel cage, trapping me inside it, burrowing it's way into every aspect of my life.

I try to remember what I was like before. Before medications began, before therapy sessions, before I needed a doctor for anything more than a cold or a tooth cleaning. And I can't remember. I try to think, what WAS I like before this all began, and I can't recall who I was. I know I have always been shy, always looking for true friends, always feeling not quite good enough...but what was I like? Was I silly? Was I a giggler? Was I laid back or nonchalant? Did I like to be alone? Was I energetic? Was I an optimist? Did I crack jokes? How did I used to think? Did I ponder or was I impulsive? I can't remember, not any of it. It was so long ago, almost a lifetime it seems. Who was I before? Was this who I was meant to become? Or did I do something to mess it all up?

It is like I truly am a crab (which is my Zodiac sign) in the way I rush up to the edge of the sand near the ocean, but when the water starts to rush back in, I run and hide from it. I want to experience that new sensation but I am afraid of what will happen. So I hide in my shell like a hermit crab, hiding from the world. A random interjection I know. But it popped in my head. I can BE quite random.

The days run into each other, nothing changing anymore. Nothing improving. Things can't get much worse, because I feel I have hit rock bottom. When you actively search for medications and more knowledge on some disability you have, that you will never be rid of either I found out, that is usually a good indication that you have accepted your fate.

So the days are the same, no change in sight. I don't know if I wouldn't run from it, if change presented itself. I am the perpetual crab.

Who was I? Do you think I messed up the plan that was meant for me? What if this was never supposed to happen? What if one single act I committed, that I am not even aware of I hope, altered the course of my life? What if I was meant for so much more? And does that mean I have failed? And who have I failed? Me, or God? Does God consider me a failure, or was this, all of this, my fate before I was even born? Did I actually agree to experience this? Why would I? I feel I can not handle this life, so would I have truly agreed to it up in Heaven? We were at the front lines of the war in Heaven, that is what I was taught, why we were chosen to live NOW. Was I such a soldier that I felt I could defeat this? So many questions, and no answers in sight. Should you really be wanting the Second Coming to happen, just so you can have some sense of closure? These are things I say to myself, question myself.

What do you think? How do you feel your life was dealt, and do you think you agreed to shoulder certain burdens? I know that my religion says we were not given anything that we couldn't handle, but do you all think that is 100% true? And how do you think these decisions were decided upon? Why did Joe S. get cancer? Why did Sue L. have a child with Autism? Why was Evelyn T. given schizophrenia? Were they someone special in Heaven? Did they volunteer? Did I step up and agree to my burdens because I could handle them, in the long run? If you have no answers, I suppose I understand. Maybe this is all just too introspective. But the words seemed to flow from my fingertips and just "happened". I am not asking you to feel bad for me or tell me to feel better. I honestly ponder this all. A lot. And I guess your true thoughts would be interesting to see.

Gives ME "hell"!

Okay people, just so you know from my last post, I am no PRUDE, I am not talking about words like "hell" or even "b&^%$" really. Gives You Hell by AAR and B&^%$ by Meredith Brooks are two songs I love! I just can't stand the vulgar curse words and can't see why people can't "use their words". So no, I am NO prude people, I continue to listen to the Ben Folds song You Don't Know Me, but when the "f-bomb" shows up I sing over it or whatever. Do I seem like a Molly Mormon to you? I think NOT.

Anyway, I think I am under the thinking now, that reading about an illness you have is a BAD idea. My Mom found and printed out a "great" 21 page pamphlet on Bipolar Disorder, both I and II. And she thinks I need to be as informed as she is, the whole "knowledge is power" thing. So I read it...all of it. And okay, the beginning wasn't too bad, it was interesting to see descriptions of what Bi Polar patients go through, and see some of MY stuff in there, so I can see it stems from something. It was kind of nice to be able to think, HEY, see it isn't just me that does that or thinks that, etc.

But then it got to medication talk, and besides just making it hard for me to hang in there with the author, it made me more anxious. I am now MORE confused about what meds to ask to be put on, I am also now leary of ones I was considering. Like I want thyroid problems. Or to have MORE problems with my Diabetes or heart! I am still trying to get into seeing the endocronologist about both those things! And then there is the really bad one, to me, weight gain. The pill that sounds like it could work the best, not only worsens or causes Diabetes and irritates heart problems (!!), it causes weight gain.

I did NOT go through the AGONY of a gastric bypass, and learn how to eat all OVER again, just to gain ALL the weight back! I am already having trouble, remember I finally excercised and did it for 6 MONTHS and found I GAINED 20+ pounds! So I cannot do a pill that will make me gain weight, I don't care of you think that is superficial, but my self esteem is already shot. And I did not lose as much weight as some and have gained a bunch because of hopefully something to do with the endocronologist stuff. So I jut can't. So now I am really scared there is no drug for me, that I can add to my anti-depressant. And I know I need this kind of help. The article even made me feel like my doctor should have had me on a mood-stabilizer as soon as he diagnosed me. So I am a bit leary of the OLD dude that is my doctor.

I am just feeling overwhelmed. All I want is to be able to go into my appointment, which is in 12 DAYS, and say Doc, I want to try adding ____ to my pill regimen. And explain why I think it would be most beneficial to me. Depacote (urrghh could be wrong) and Seroquel cause weight gain. So I need something that leaves my weight alone. And preferably my Diabetes and heart. I am feeling so worried now.

Reading about a condition you have may be a bad idea, in my opinion. I was better off an hour ago. I had hope. Now I am feeling hopeLESS. GAH! I hate that feeling!

Big M Words

It has not exactly been the easiest last few days, lots of migraine pains, lots of internal pain too. I didn't even realize the extent of the internal pain I was in. That is what can be so frustrating. I mean, yeah I know that I am doing pretty badly right now with my depression and stuff. I KNEW that. As hard as it is, I have accepted the fact that I am miserable and majorly depressed right now.

But I wasn't expecting there to be feelings buried deep inside of myself, that I didn't even realize, not really anyway, that were ready to BURST forth. Katie had a REALLY bad day at her new Psych Patient externship. Her supervisor that she has had for the past week and a half was sick, so she sent Katie over for the day to the out-patient facility where another Occupational Therapist Assistant works, so Katie wouldn't miss a day in her externship. Well, this other woman was terrible to my Kat. She told her she was dressing inappropriately, which was so not true. Katie had nice pants and a nice shirt and sneakers on. An Occupational Therapy Assistant does all the grunt work, that means helping people bathe, wipe their bums, etc, so sneakers are a must. But this out-patient facility, the workers wore elaborate suits and scarves and lots of necklaces...which sounds insane! You are working with Psych patients, sure over there it is outpatient, but what is to stop one from breaking from reality and strangling your skanky booty?!! Nothing! She just made Katie feel like this was so out of her reach, when Kate is almost DONE! She gave Katie a hard time about Katie's ticks/tremors. Katie has fibromyalgia, and though she isn't sharing that, and that IS her choice, you are not allowed to discriminate if someone has just lots of muscle spasms. (Update: Katie's supervisor returned and when she found out what Katie had been told, she was FURIOUS! She told Katie basically ignore everything she was told, she was doing great and, etc, etc.) Anyway, because she had such a bad day, my parents took her out to dinner to spend some quality daughter/parents time together. She didn't want to go, she was so upset, but I was like GO Katie! We don't get Mom and Dad to Ourselves often! And I went off and did my errands.

Except while running them, in the back of my mind I got a little bothered. It just started as feeling bad that I must be jealous. That bothered me, I knew I would have to tell my Mom, as I can't do secrets. Only when I went to tell her, I got really upset. All this stuff came pouring out and I was as surprised as anyone. I was glad Katie got the one-on-one time with our parents, but apparently I was hurt that after all my bad days, they hadn't thought that I needed that kind of time with them. I swear I hadn't realized that. I felt like my problems were being put on the sidelines and that I wasn't as important as everyone else was.

Which brought other things out that I knew I felt sometimes, but that I did not quite realize I felt so strongly about...if that makes any sense. It began to like pour out of me. That I knew I came last, and that it was fine. That Mom and Dad work, Katie is in school and Sam has had surgeries and finished school last year, and I am just me, and obviously, me and my problems have to come last. And it is as it should be. That it is hard to know that but I get it. This did not please my Mother and made her mad when I would say, "It's okay, it's fine". She did not like me thinking this way. But I am me, what am I going to say...it is how I see things.

I am not currently in school, or working, so my problems don't even make sense. I have no idea why I am so not okay. Sure, I know I have several disorders and the Depression AND Bi Polar working together are NOT a good thing, but there are no reasons behind why I am doing so poorly right now. Nothing changed, I just got more and more miserable, and cry ALL the time, and even that, doesn't make the feelings of worthlessness and self-hatred go away. I am a mess and I should be at the bottom of the priority list, because I don't have work or school or surgery recovery to deal with. So I was just trying to convince myself out loud that it's fine to be less important than every one else. And apparently I have been feeling less important for awhile now. I already have like no self-esteem so maybe that is why I didn't really notice it, but for a LONG time, I have felt like I am not a priority. Little things just start to add up for me. My parents agree I am doing BAD, so we have talked about adding a new medication to my mix. Mom was going to be all over that. That was awhile ago. My Dad was going to look into Penn Foster tuition for Medical Transcription versus other online schools, that was months ago. My Mom was going to get me in to see a endocronologist (we don't think going hypoglycemic every night is normal, or excercising and gaining weight, or peeing every 2 minutes, etc), that was also months ago. And I remind them of these promises, and they are just...sidelined.

And it wasn't until this 3 hour talk with my mother, that I realized HOW much this was all bothering me. How second-rate I felt, etc. I felt like I deserve not to be as looked after as my sisters. I feel like I am already enough trouble to deal with and they shouldn't have to do any more to help me. I feel like I am worthless. But I don't like the feeling that my family thinks so too. Which I didn't know HOW much I was not okay with that. All the while saying over and over to my Mom, it was fine. Even though part of me was going, no it isn't Wendy. Part of me was also scary calm and believes it. I feel like I have been put on the back-burner, because I am not as important as everyone else. That my problems, seeing as they are always there, are less important.

And my Mom is trying to convince me that none of this is true. But I don't have much self-esteem, so trying to believe her is hard. Supposedly on Friday, we are going to call and make appointments with my psychiatrist, and with the endocronologist. We are also supposed to sit down and look online at meds I may want to ask the Doctor to try adding to help me. And try to look at some other things that we talked about a month or even longer ago. And my Mom is going to remind my Dad that it was his idea to look at the tuitions and remind him how smug he was that he would do it unlike my Mom. Yeah, he shouldn't talk. So my Mom wants me to get that I am as important as anyone else, but I am struggling with that. I am not sure I will ever feel secure about that. I need reassurance a lot of the time that I AM loved. So...I don't know. It has been a bad few days and now it was 90 here today, disgusting and no one has AC up and working yet, it is April!!

I just feel lost. And lonely. My good friend Hannah that understands, doesn't seem to want to write back. It has been 4 months that she has been promising a response email, and she swears she will write me on "this" day but every day, disappointed. So I feel like I have no one but my family. And I am struggling to feel like an important part of the family. This all sucks. I am so tired of feeling this way, tired of being miserable and depressed. This is beating me, I feel more of myself slipping away. I don't even want to try anymore. I am just so tired. I just want to curl into a ball and feel nothing. Being numb might be preferable.

Sorry, all maudlin and all. But I am being my honest self. This is why, on top of my migraines, I have been MIA for 2 days. Lots of crying and feeling like a loser. I will try to be chipper tomorrow. It IS Maxie's birthday Thursday and we celebrate, of course! And I did love Clash of the Titans and never told you why. So sorry about the depressing post, I am trying to be honest here always though and this is how I am feeling. Morose, morbid, miserable and melancholic. Bunches of big M words.

Random Musings on Randomness

Sometimes you get the impression that someone else does get what you are going through, even though you feel no one else could ever feel the way you do. But nonetheless, in those brief moments when it feels like you are not the only one, that you are not alone, it is such a comfort. It is like you feel a hand resting on your shoulder, going, it's okay, I am here too, you are not all alone in this fight. The feeling IS brief, at least for me, because I have a hard time imagining anyone else can feel the way I do. And for the length that I have felt it. Some people try to be nice, by revealing they WENT through it a few years ago or whatnot, but while I appreciate knowing you can understand the feelings, it is also hard knowing for you, it

is over. A thing of the past. Because for the past 13 years, this has been an on-going battle for me. And I know there are times when it has not been AS bad as other times, but it is still always there. So when is it my turn to get to say to someone, I get it, I went through it for years, but I am better now? It is just a little frustrating. I just had to get that out of me.

So, movies last night...yeah I saw ONE. Yes, I am serious. I started Saw VI, and I realized, as I have admitted I am a wimp with this franchise, that I hadn't read the full summary on Wikipedia, which I like to do so I know when I might really want to fast forward. Then I read it, and realized I didn't remember everything from the previous movies. And as thin a story as you may think it is, they try to tie each movie together. Saw I has been linked by a situation or person all the way to Saw VI. So I had to read up on ALL the Saw movies. And then, that was when one of my conditions set in. I felt an overwhelming NEED to have someone else GET what was going on on the franchise. Not all the gory details, but what is going on with the killer, and his proteges and all that crap. So, it could be my OCD, or it could have been me be

ing Manic from my Bi Polar, who can tell the difference?!! But one of them, or both, had me typing away, I used wikipedia's summaries, but some of the stuff wasn't in the descriptions and some of it was too much info. I knew it would be my Mom I would need to have a basic understanding of this franchise, so I deleted most of the really gory unnecessary crap. I would write, and here a trap happened for like 5 people and it was many traps...then just say how it ended if it was important to the storyline or just say and on to the next part of the story. So I was up Manic or OCD all night getting this ready and printed. Finished at about 5 am. So yeah I didn't see any of the GOOD movies! I wanted to watch Saw VI first to get it over with. I just need to know Jigsaw's full agenda and if all the bad guys are caught. But apparently I will have to wait for Saw VII, which is a green light, and they say it will most likely be the last. I DO think it is time already. Tobin Bell's character has been dead since Saw III!

I just was watching Keeping Up with the Kardashians, yes I do watch it, but OCCASIONALLY. But they agreed to do boxing for charity, it was supposed to be good clean fun, but Rob was beaten the crap out of. His protective mask came off twice and the second time, he was on the ground and the guy continued beating him for 7 seconds. No one stopped him. I am just saying, if I was a celebrity, even for notoriety like these people, I would NEVER volunteer to be beaten up and TRUST that normal people would not want to beat the crap out of me!! Idiots! I have to say I was proud Kim went in and did it after what happened to her brother, but a girl who is dying was there to see Kim, so Kim felt if this girl could fight for her LIFE for 2 years now, she could fight for charity. Kim is a wimp though, and her Mom was all, enough!! But she went all the way through the match, so good for her. I don't like her much though. I like Khloe for some odd reason.

You know how people will say about a person, of she is a high-spirited girl or whatever? I suddenly feel like I have had all the spirit drained out of me. And that, that spirit, is what makes a person. Makes them who they are, makes them interesting, makes them unique, all of that. And I don't have any spirit left, so what does that make me? I am like an empty shell of what a person is supposed to be and there is just no way to re-grow that spirit. I can see that at least. I am not interesting, not particularly a funny or vivacious personality. I am just this. A shell of a person who has kept on holding on, waiting for the day when all the promises of things getting better would come true. And that day is never arriving and I find it hard to accept, yet I also find in inevitable. Things have been a certain way for so long, the likelihood of such a huge change, as it would have to be, is quite unlikely. So this is my life. A broken spirit in an empty shell, who people just look on as the depressing girl, and I just can't help that. I could pretend I suppose, to be all bubbly and happy. But remember that blog romance of the Mormon girl in love with her RM BFF? It would be like that. All my stories and posts, would be fictional. I could do that, I think I could write fiction. I won Whitney's Glade Lady contest and was in the running with my Palm Reading Halloween story, got a prize...I think. So I could totally write my life as it maybe should be. But wouldn't that be even worse than being the depressed girl blogger? Being the lying blogger?

I don't know, I all of a sudden after a short break from my post had to write this part down too. It stemmed from feeling like someone could lie to me and it was alright. It made me feel...insignificant and unimportant. Just a lot of lousy emotions I don't need, but can't ever to seem to shake for long. It made me feel like I didn't matter. That promises made to me, are just not that big of a deal. Like I am worthless. And that feeling is painful. I am so tired of pain. Shouldn't it be tired of me? After all these years? When will it be my turn to just be...okay?

Suicidal Snake

I am having a bad day with depression and my bi-polar/OCD tendencies. So I really don't feel like posting any of the worries dominating my brain. I worry it will make the pain awaken once more and I will be sitting here alone, in tears. Which is not good for me at all. At least not tonight. So I decided to post a poem I have been working on, while I have had bad days. The thing is I am afraid it makes no sense. It is called Suicidal Snake.

Now, as I believe in what my Church teaches, I know that I can never hurt myself in such a way, or I will never be with my loved ones in Heaven. Holding on to the thought of being with my loved ones, and the loved ones who have passed, helps keep me strong enough to fight. But anyone who has had real serious problems with depression, etc. knows that it creeps into your brain sometimes, even if you don't want it to. You are in such a dark place that is flits through your mind, wouldn't it just be easier if this was all over? I, personally, have a pact with someone, that if I ever seriously start considering this option, I will go to them first. But even if you know, this is not something I will do, you can't stop the thoughts when you are at the end of your rope, from entering your mind. If you can actually say, I have had a very bad case of depression or another similar disorder, and it never entered your mind, then you are either lying to yourself, or did not deal with a serious case of depression. I am sorry but it is true. When your life is that out of balance, that dark, even if it is a second-long fleeting thought, it was there. Depression and anxiety are so exhausting and you can't help but to think it once in a while. I admit it because I want people to know I GET it, I understand thinking about it. It does not make you a bad person, a weak person, it makes you human.

And so, one day when I was writing I started writing a poem that dealt with the topic, but as I wrote, it began to turn in a different direction, and I tried to word it in a way where you sense that something else is making the person think this way...I don't know, this is why I worry that it won't make sense. Here goes.

Suicidal Snake

I can taste the tears as they glide down my cheek
These battles I face seem to grow harder each day
I am supposed to keep going, keep trying, keep moving
When all I really want is to give up, give in and die

It's not the right way to think, the right way to be
But when your nails are torn from holding on so long
You just want to let go of that cliff and fall free
Fall into something that takes away the hurt and pain

You never mean to think suicide is the only answer left
It just naturally beats in your head like your hearts' pulse
Set yourself free, something tells you, maybe the snake in that garden
The fear, the loneliness can all be over, if you let it all go

Listen to me, it hisses, as it slithers around your heart
It can take all your pain away, It can set your soul free of this
All you need to do is take a few extra pills, take an extra step forward
It will be over in a split second and you will forget all these hurts

The noises in your head will finally stop and be silenced...forever
No more doctors, no more people claiming things will get better
No more being judged by those around you for failing to be like them
Those pills you swallow each day are never going to help you like it can

They tell you if you keep trying, you will be happier, get healthier
How many years are you going to listen to that before you get a clue?
They have no answers, no guarantees your life will ever change for the good
They are just trying to tempt you into a false sense that waiting will fix you

You are smarter than that, you have waited a decade and nothing has improved
Why continue on, because they tell you if you breathe a new way you're saved?
No, No, you see them for the liars and bigots they are, just money hungry thieves
They don't want you to end your unjust torment because they are selfish for more

But with a plunge off that peak, or an albeit painful flick to your wrist
It can all be gone, poof, like a magic trick performed by a master magician
The serpent slides up your arm, resting it's head in the crook of your neck
If life is too much to bear, why should you have to endure it, it breathes

It nudges its' head into your face, a caress of sorts, and sings a lullaby
All your worries and all you are afraid of can be gone if you trust my words
There is no guarantee that if you keep trying, life will hand you happiness
So take the initiative and find a better place, I have one perfect in mind

You turn your head and gaze into the serpents eyes, eyes full of lulling promises
It was promising all your hearts desires, so why do you feel the words are lies?
This innocent creature was created by the same as you, so why hesitate at its' words
This would make it all stop, so why is your soul screaming to crush the skull with your heel?

Songs for My Soul

Today was a hard day emotionally. We had a family home evening on Stress. And we went around and had everyone say what was stressing them and suggested things maybe we could do or help with to lessen our stress. I melted down when it was my turn and it just all poured out of me, feeling like such a failure in life. Feeling like I am nothing, I have accomplished nothing, have not done anything that even leaves a mark that says I was here. Told them I was so tired of trying, that I don't want to be here anymore. I just want to be done. I am so tired. We talked about this ongoing "situation" we have been dealing with and how we have no power in fixing it, but I just can't put it in a box in my brain and put it away, I am, sadly, not equipped with those skills. The first song I am posting kind of sums up a lot of my current feelings, I just can pick out sentences from it that are so me right now and it has been a favorite of mine for a long time, so I hope you at least will give it a chance. It is long but sung so beautifully. It gives me chills. I also looked for some songs I like that are feelings I WANT to feel, Songs full of hope, that I want to feel, but just can't at this point. Give a listen, won't you? Some might give you some hope if you also feel lost.

My Feelings now are sung by Lauryn Hill in "Selah".

Now songs I WANT to FEEL.

We Are Okay - Joshua Radin

Freckles - Natasha Bedingfield

Beautiful Inside - Kirby Heybourne


Call Me Beautiful - Ginny Owens

It'll HIT the Fan

Some crap will hit the fan tommorrow. Stuff in regards to my previous post.

I wish I could believe that certain people could take a step back and realize what they are doing, what they are saying, and how it affects others. But I am not sure that will or can hold true. Because some people refuse to look at things from a different view, other than their own. Then maybe they could see the truth, not just from one person's view, but from many. I told my mother tonight I am tired. But not tired in the way most of you will think. I am deep in my bones, tired from the stress a situation is causing me. And it isn't something I can just say, to heck with that, and go on. Not when I believe I am doing what is right for me. But I don't want it to hurt my family and that is what is being...jeopardized. And it enrages me and makes me sick. What to do when what you feel and KNOW is right

It is frustrating, maddening, and as much as I want to believe nuetral parties can help. Why can't they see that it is NOT a compromise when only ONE person is doing the compromising? Give and take is what it is all about, not just take, take, take. Some people are the ones who need to grow up, show some respect and learn that giving in is not a weakness, some give, is what makes the other people give and then you reach a happy place for everyone.

P.S. You know what else? Blogs are NOT selfish. I don't know where anyone can get to decide that, but it makes me sick and makes me think, how stupid are you, that people sharing themselves is selfish in your eyes? Who are you to even judge? The angry parts of the following song, the ANGRY ones, are aimed at those who think they can decide what is right, what is selfish and anything else, when it has nothing to DO with what they think!

I Don't Understand

I know that not everyone understands or can understand depression and other emotional/mental disorders. It is especially understandable if you grew up in a family where no one had any sort of these problems, you would never have been exposed. So you, at first at least, have no understanding, maybe have no belief that it is real. If you have never seen it for yourself. It can at first seem weird, confusing, you don't know what to say, if you should say anything, so many things. I know, that was me at one point. I didn't get it.

But once you have been exposed, whether through experiences yourself, seen it affect a friend or family member, or just started reading about it, some sort of understanding must come into play. You have to see the struggles and the bleakness and sadness and...pain. And growing up surrounded by it...there should never be a question in your mind whether it is real or not. It is a stupid Tom Crusie-DUMB comment to actually believe that "there is no such thing as depression". Especially when you have seen it first-hand, in many family members and friends. There is no excuse for callousness or snubbing or anything along those lines.

And to know what someone has been diagnosed with many things and by multiple doctors, and to read the words she has written in her blog, and still treat her like she is a failure,. It makes me feel sick to my stomach. But instead of any understanding, it has been used as a weapon against me. I chose to share...well, me...and it was a mistake, one I regret every day now. How do you read the words I have posted about how I am doing mentally and emotionally, especially in these last few months, and then turn around and put so much stress on me, I feel like I am suffocating? How can a person do that?How do you do that, when you have read the fears and worries I am trying to deal with right now?

I know these disorders can be very confusing, I still get confused about the sadness I can feel, the anger, the utter loneliness, but to show such lack of regard, such lack of remorse, lack of feeling, I don't understand how anyone can do that and still consider themselves human. How can anyone go to a person suffering from such fear and sadness, and place a huge burden on them, that no one can help them with? The threat is real and could affect an entire family, why would you place someone doing so poorly in that position?

People I have met through blogging here understand, even though some of you don't seem to have experienced any of it yourselves. Through my words you've seen the struggle I am fighting every day and show more regard, more kindness, than some who have known me my whole life. And I don't understand that.

There will be no vlog from me this week. If I put a camera on myself right now, knowing my kind blog friends, who seem to care for me and understand me more than....I think I would lose it and start crying on camera and that would not be good for me. I am not supposed to be "thinking" at all tonight, as instructed by my family. But I thought maybe it would help a little to put some of these feelings, and questions, down in words.

Even if this is such a foreign concep to any of you, would you treat anyone so poorly, would you add the weight of the world onto their already weary shoulders? I feel like I am breaking, that is my cue to go, go Wendy, go. No thinking, no thinking.

Staircases

Depression can be like a really LONG staircase that you continue to climb, as it goes on and on forever. You can have a situation where with some meds, some talking and you are good, but when you are diagnosed with depression, etc, it is a continual climb up this relentless staircase that never ends. They tell you, keep on climbing kid, it will end eventually, you will get to the top, you just have to keep on trying...

Well the staircase picked me up, and not just pushed me down a few steps backwards, it literally picked me up and hurled me down a few flights of stairs, until I landed painfully on my side and curled up into a ball to hug the pain to myself. Things are getting stuck in my brain again, and not necessarily bad things, hey the Twilight series is there...but when you have no control of your brain, when it goes to places you don't want it to go and you can't escape, that is when it is too far, too much. Because then the fear comes. Was listening to this series a mistake? If I had ignored wanting to know how it ends, would I be okay right now? Would the fear that is making me curl into a fetal position stop? You see, maybe just in my case, once something gets me really afraid, gets really stuck, it snowballs into a bigger and uglier pile of....crap.

And I lost it. For two hours on Tuesday I sobbed, and all I could keep saying was...I'm so scared. Having a song stuck in your head, that is a common annoying thing, but when you can't even enjoy other activities because you can't escape your own thoughts, it turns into something else. And then the fear begins. Am I going back to where I was just a few months ago? Is this med even working? Should I get off of it and try something new? WHY am I feeling like this? Why can't I even enjoy this ONE thing, without being terrified that it is in there permanently, and will never leave me alone? And you get to a point where you are so worried, so afraid, so scared of yourself, that you (or it could just be me) implode. Black bile just seems to seep from your every orifice, black ugly sludge that is coming from you but you can't stop it. It's like an avalanche and the emotions and that horrible darkness rush to the surface, exploding. You sob, but the pain never leaves it keeps ahold of you clawing it's way back in, though you should feel lighter after a good cry. But it never left you, so you feel empty and alone and so very scared.

It's been a few months since it was really really bad, and I thought, that while I am NOT okay still, it might have gotten a shade less horrid. But it flooded back, pushing me further down the steps, until I feel battered and bruised all over again. And what does that do to my brain? I mean besides terrifying me, and making me feel like I am being punished? It makes me doubt the medications I am on. Is this new med doing nothing? Because why am I back to square 1 if it is doing it's intended job? But if I get off of it, what if it feels even worse? Because I feel like I just want to stop trying, to let it take over and do what it will. My Dad gave me a blessing, but it is so hard to keep the faith when I feel so lost. My Dad says He tests the ones he loves and trusts the most...why? If I did such a good job up in the pre-existence, why am I being hurt so badly in this life? Why do other people, who I see who drink and do drugs and have sex with anybody they feel like, why are they so happy? And I, I try and do nothing bad, to have the morals the Church has taught me my entire life...I am left drowning in myself, feeling so alone? How is that fair? Because as bad as it may sound...I am so tired of the tests. I am so exhausted from fighting daily against what feels like myself, and I want it to end. Sure, I want to be with my family for eternity, and so I can't stop the pain by doing anything rash, but even knowing I can't do that, it doesn't mean my brain doesn't ever go there. And then I think, okay, none of that, how about it being MY time? Why can't it be my time, so I can finally stop feeling so scared and be in His arms, arms that can soothe all the hurt away, and make me whole again, make me feel the way I did when I was...three years old, happy and carefree and full of faith that everything is right with the world? I am so tired.

I posted this poem awhile ago...not even sure if I already posted it, but it fits, so here I go again maybe.

How is it to be me, are you sure you really want to know?

That’s opening a Pandora’s Box that can never be closed.

It’s a simple question that deserves a simple answer.

Unfortunately simple and I have never seen eye to eye.

For so long now I’ve been stuck in a dark, cold pit.

Bloodying my hands as I try over and again to crawl my way out.

Digging my broken fingers into the dirty mud as I try to pull myself up.

Hitting the ground harder each time as I fall from different heights.

I used to think that things could change, that I could pull myself into the light.

But soon you forget what the warmth of the sun feels like, you even flinch when it grazes your skin.

The darkness has been my home for so long, I don’t know what anything else would feel like.

I’ve been this broken person half my life now, could I even be anyone else?

How is it to be me, are you sure you really want to know?

I’m not sure I understand, how can I expect anyone else to?

I am sorry if it is a dark post, but I try to be honest...and honestly this is where I am right now. Take me or leave me, this blog is a way to journal my life...and right now my life makes me afraid, afraid that this feeling is forever...and that scares me the most. Thank you all who put up with my free flowing words. You will never know how much it means, that there are people who care enough, not to give up on me as a lost cause.*hugs*

Scared Silly....stupid doctors

Well my Mom thought it best I didn't take my Ambien before seeing Dr. Peters, so that I could answer any questions coherently. Only bad thing is that means I didn't sleep before I got to see him at Noon, being sick AND depressed(etc) and not sleeping? Not a good mix, I was like mush. And teetering on the edge, as my brain wouldn't shut UP. All I want to be able to do is NOT think about the things wiggling their way into my brain. I just want to be able to watch a tv show or a movie or be part of a conversation WITHOUT my brain straying to thoughts I DON'T want in my head. Not that they are bad, but here is an example. I can't get Twilight or New Moon out, my brain keeps darting to thoughts of it, and while this would be fine if my brain was even it's normal depressed pessimistic self, right now it isn't fun. I don't WANT my every thought to be of a movie/book, I want to sit down, watch an episode of House and be able to concentrate.Without my brain going to other directions.

So Sam drove me, as I was mush and don't really know how to get there. Especially since this summer the office building caught on fire, so Path is at the Sheraton furthere down the street from it. When we first approached the old building to go by it, I thought, what was so bad? Then we went by it and I saw the caved it ceilings and exploded windows, and was like WOW.

So we got there and waited for my Mom to show up from Work. I thought we were expecting my Dad too, but Sam talked on the phone and said he wasn't coming. (I didn't say anything then but was really hurt and Mom didn't bother to tell me until later that she TOLD him not to come, because the doctor might feel ambushed...yeah so that sadness was for nothing) So Mom got there and we found the rooms they were using and went in to talk. It's really awkward NOT being in an office so I told Sam she could go in with us, I didn't care, and knew we wouldn't be talking about anything she hadn't heard in my meltdowns. This was the worst appt. with him I have ever had. He doesn't really look you in the face, which I normally don't mind but today it made it more difficult to get my feelings across. He seemed fine at first with trying me on Lamictal, but my Mom urged me to tell him bout my thoughts. That I had no control over them, that things would get stuck and NEVER leave no matter what I did to try and occupy my brain. He acted surprised that I mentioned thinking they were bad OCD thoughts, he was like OCD? What OCD? And proceeded to say let's scrap the Lamictal idea. let's get you off all your meds and try this Sequil or something instead, since nothing appears to be helping you. I have mentioned to him before that I am extremely sensitive to medications and wasn't keen on much change and he was wripping that all away. Apparently my Mom noticed that I, well I guess Blanched would be the best word, because she finally (I was so floundering and anxious and wanted to hurl) spoke up. Reminding him I didn't want to change all my meds at once, so i was forced to express myself more, in a way I feel like HE should have been able to see.

First I had to explain to him I HAD been diagnosed with OCD and describe all my OCD-ish ways and he was like, Oh yes that sounds like OCD. Then I had to be the one to ask, couldn't the fact that I am SO very depressed and anxious be the REASON I am having so much trouble with thoughts being stuck in my brain? And he said yes that is true. So I finally, with my Mom's help, said I would rather TRY Lamictal first, and see how that goes, rather than scrap all my regular meds and NOT try a mood stabilizer. He was the one who had promoted me TRYING it for so long, that I was willing to see if stabilizing my mood, helped me. SO him doing a 180 just THREW me into a loop I was already in. He decided to lower my depression pill (yes worried), but I am still on my other 2 meds, and have to VERY slowly build myself up to 8 Lamictal a day. As long as I don't get the rash (ALL over your body and doesn't go away unless you STOP the med) he will continue building me up to that 8 a day and then make it the higher dose so there will be fewer pills.

Finally we left. I knew I was going to lose it so I tried to go into the ladies room...it was locked, I could hear a bunch of women IN there and they had locked the HOTEL bathroom's doors. So I walked out into the bitter cold towards the door, and I guess my face had been giving me away to THEM for awhile because my Mom knew I needed to...implode. I started sobbing, what if I just screwed up royally? What if this sequil or whatever would have been the right med to get my brain to behave and I...ME....just talked the doctor OUT of giving it to me? What if I had just made the biggest mistake...ever? And on and on. My Mom broke it down for me. Doctors do not reread your file,etc before they see you, nurses do but doctors don't bother, so this is why the man did not remember I have been diagnosed through testing with OCD,etc. That he did not remember my fear of change, my fear of medication changes. She said a nurse or plain therapist would know these things, but doctors never bother to study up on their patients. She reminded me I was on NO sleep, I was sick and on top of that all of this *waving hand at my brain*, so I was not doing well period. She reminded me I HATE the doctors so I had probably been storing up anxiety and etc, and on and on. Until I was...well calmer anyway. She told me this was what we had wanted. Trying ONE thing right now, not a handful of changes that would not allow me to tell IF something was working or not. If someone changes ALL your meds, how do you know WHAT is the thing that is helping or hindering...and yes she made sense. She said, this is why you don't see a psychiatrist when you are in this state on YOUR OWN. They can ride roughshod right over you because you are in such a fragile state. She had to leave to go back to work and Sam drove me home, doped me up on three NyQuil pills and I went into my room where shivering and feeling tired consumed me until I knew nothing anymore and just slept. I slept until 9 at night. So got about 7 hours of sleep maybe. I feel out of it, the NyQuil is still in me, but I knew if I didn't get up I would be awake in the middle of the night, totally alone and would just...think. Think thoughts I wanted gone, and yeah it is still happening but I got to see people for a few hours first.

So that was my visit today. I am still so scared I made a mistake, even though he admitted yes maybe stabilizing my mood would make the thoughts go away, but I am so scared I made the wrong choice...what if the other way, changing everything all at once would make my brain SHUT UP? I just want to stop thinking thoughts ALL the time, my brain is consumed and I HATE this, I can't enjoy anything. I prayed again this morning, crying, asking please please help me. But I am at the point where my faith is just not what it should be. I am too afraid I will be like this forever and I know me, I am at the end of my rope.

I am so sorry if all I have been is miserable. This is just where I am right now, and that is what I write, my thoughts and feelings, and they are...this. Me being scared, that this time, which feels unlike any other time, there is NO light at the end of the tunnel. That my brain will never leave me alone, never give me any peace. What if that is true? What if I can't think of anything else ever again? What if this is me....forever?

To My Friendly Stalks

Okay I am apologizing NOW if my comments are very non-existent in the next few days. Or my blogging is basically zilch or very short or a pre-done by me tag.

Physically I feel like crap on a stick. My head aches until it wants to explode, the throat feels gravelly, my nose and eyes are dripping, I am just feeling wretched.

Mentally...I knew I was in the evil pit of despair, but had no real idea of the extent of my own pain, until this evening. I got really upset after the girls were both just really cranky and rude and I was upset with my mom but we were discussing my feelings...my inability to cry even though I so very much felt I wanted to, but I just couldn't. Then Sandy decided to knock on the door, same bad attitude and make things worse, and I lost it. Told her to just do whatever she wanted and left. I ran down the stairs, finding a spot on the floor of the darkened dining room and started to sob. When my Mom came looking for me I tried to be quiet, not wanting to be found but as luck would have it, she found me immediately, sat on the floor beside me and rubbed my back, and I was gone. Harsh, painful sobs left my chest and I started to hyperventilate, I just couldn't help myself. My Dad found us, then Katie, my sobs so hard, they must have echoed through the house. But I couldn't stop, and my Dad wanted to know what was the matter...but I couldn't speak. The pain was just so raw and filled me, all I could do was continue my horrid sobs, intermixed with hyperventilating. Finally between gasps, all my fears started to escape my lips, ones I didn't even know had been on my mind, some I knew I had felt but not to that extent, and the ones I have been seeing so clearly. They fell from me painfully, and I was being reassured that I was not alone, that I would get through this, that I had before. But I don't feel that. My Mom says you never do, when you are in the midst of it, but the way I feel I just can't go there, and she understood. My Dad said they were here to catch me when I fell. When the fear of being so lost, I would never find myself again came to the surface, my Dad said he would hold onto my hand and never let go, which...from my Dad, it was just amazing. He often doesn't seem to get me, but tonight he was THERE, getting my fears, the thoughts that have been agonizing me, even though I haven't been aware of them all. We were on that floor a long while, my Dad ended up giving me a blessing which I quietly sobbed for, feeling worried, I don't know if you are supposed to be crying loudly still sometimes during a blessing.

Then even though is was way after midnight, he told me to take a 15 minute shower and he was taking me to late breakfast.....way late. Katie and Mom went too, I was so glad I still needed my Mom, needed her reassuring prescence. It was okay, until we exited the diner after, and the feelings of panic returned. Once home I took my Mom up to tuck HER in and cried some more. I am scared. Scared I will never stop feeling this way. My parents have decided Dad is calling Dr. Peters in the morning and asking if I can start the new med before we see him on the 10th, I think it is a good idea...I have no idea if this drug will work on me so I would rather get started so I can find one that works for me.

I am not supposed to be on here right now. Supposed to be watching this newer X Files movie and breathing slow in and out. But I felt I needed to make a quick post to let my friends know I am unsure how much stalking I can do for the next few days. It could have no affect or my comments could be few, but just so you know, I am still here, just not well right now...well haven't been "well" in some ways for awhile, but hope to at least be back to posting my thoughts soon.

I am extremely sorry if people now think I am a downer. I just write what I feel I guess and guess I feel I can be me here, the good and the bad...and the ugly. So don't give up on me, keep following or google reader me...I do change my mind a lot, so I may have a 10 page post tommorrow...or not, you just never know. Love to you all.

Wendy

P.S. Since I HATE to leave you with nothing to smile about or interest, here, a gift from me to you.

Me and Migraines...why?

Okay, no I am still not doing good. I know it, I finally have an appointment with my psychiatrist so that I can tell him I want to try the mood stabilizer. I can tell I am in a dark place for me. Usually I have to get out of the house like every other day or I am crawling up the walls in cabin fever. But right now, I can be in the house for days at a time and am fine with it. Right now, I think it is my sanctuary. Sure, I have to wait until December 10th to see him, but if it gets any worse my Mom said we will call him and ask him over the phone to start me on the med. When commercials for depression make you cry...when a lil squabble breaks you down...you are definitely in the Pit and need some help getting out. So I am trying to do something to help myself, even if I have to try different meds out for months or longer until I find one that helps even just a fraction, I will take it.

Anyways, I have migraines and as anyone else who gets them will attest, they SUCK. Over the last few years they have gotten worse and worse, and whereas I used to only get them a few times a year, I get a few a month now. And the level of pain and discomfort has gotten worse too. The lights hurt, I feel like throwing up, I want to cry, but that puts more tension on everything, which just makes the pain worse. Although some times I just can't help it. My primary care doctor has tried me on a few of the well known ones, like Imitrex, but they have had either no affect on the migraine, or they have actually made them worse.

Now I know they are migraines, not just because HELLO, I am not a moron, and can read and everything. But about 6 years ago, I had to see a nuerologist because I was having a dizzy spell...that didn't go away for the entire summer! And while we still have no idea what caused that, it was at that point that I was diagnosed with migraines. And I proceeded to do what about them? Nothing. They used to happen so rarely, that I didn't follow up with Thor (what I call my nuerologist, cuz it's Thorsen). Until recently when not even my primary doctor could help with medications.

So years later now, I returned to Thor. And apparently, no drug like Imitrex is going to help a migraine sufferer like me. See, I have regular headaches every day. I take tylenol when I get up with all my other pills. It's either there already, or will be there. And that puts me in particular group of sufferers. So I need a med that tries to eliminate ALL headaches. That way they can't develop into migraines. So I was psyched. And the drug he wanted me to go on, had a HORRIBLE side effect for many people...weight loss!! I was like SIGN ME UP!! So I began taking it, you have to slowly up the dose, so I was told not to expect any changes for awhile. But then months went by and he upped me to 100 mg. And still, daily headaches and still the horrible migraines. So finally he decided that Topamax had no affect on me (including NO weight loss!) so he began to wean me off Topamax and put me on another drug. I forget the name, but it is actually made for depression, but they have found it helps some migraine sufferers like me. So I had been on that for awhile. Only I noticed I was really not okay lately. Everything felt bleaker, and crying was even easier than ever...and things just felt wrong. So my Mom, the nurse and my personal therapy person, told me I had to get off this stuff and we began weaning me off and I had been off it almost a week, but pills like this stay in your system for awhile. And this overall feeling of hopelessness, yeah okay I always have it, that's why I am on the anti-depressants and anxiety meds I AM on, but this, this was to the nth degree. And I was waiting for some of me, to be back. I had felt it when I talk to some of you. Moments where I feel normal. And that's what I had before, moments or pieces of time, where I felt, not fabulous, but...just okay. And even if that sounds pathetic to people who have no understanding of how depression and etc. work, to me, it's a big deal. This is where we think the SLIDE back into the Pit of Despair started.

Anyway, so right now I am on nothing for my migraines...and I have one developing right now. I can tell. The jaw hurts, the neck, the temples, the eyes. And I know I should get OFF the laptop, dim the lights, and rest and PRAY it goes away. But I am not doing so hot and so I am venting the only way I can at 2:15 in the morning. Cold makes my migraines worse, and this thing, we call it the bean burrito, we got it at Bed, Bath and Beyond, its like a long sack of beads or seeds and you can nuke it in the microwave. Sometimes that helps, but I don't know where one is right now, and everyone is asleep, so I can't go looking everywhere. And it doesn't do much anyway, not when it's real bad.

I so need something to work on me. I have to get another appointment with Thor and NEED him to find a med that will work for me. Make all headaches less, or a pill to stop or lessen the migraine, I don't care anymore. Just stop this pain. Everything hurts. And since my surgery, tylenol is ALL I can take...so no more Excedrin Migraine which helped a little sometimes...only Tylenol, and they haven't been nice enough to make Tylenol Migraine. No they're too busy on making Tylenol Meltaways and crap like that. I want to chop my head off. Even coughing hurts right now. Seriously, if I pay you, will one of you fly out here and take me to the woods in the back, shoot me, in the HEAD, and dump my body in Florian pond??!!?? I will PAY you to kill me right now. If you prefer, an axe to chop off my head, that sounds okay too. Either one, just make it quick, because I am pissy when I am in pain. Well I feel pissy, but all I want are hugs and someone to make sure I don't cry...because it worsens the pain...*sighs*. Anyone willing to swap brains? That has gotta be where the pain is made.

I am off to find something to make all of us laugh or even smile.

Teary Days

It is just one of those times where all I want is to give up this inner fight that rages inside me, lie down in a ball and just...not be here anymore.

And what really frustrates me, is I have no idea why I feel this way. Sure, I am tired. I forgot last night...or technically REALLY early this morning, that I had told me mom I would fix something for her. The sheets with what the "240" employees owed in inservices, we had spent Monday doing, couldn't be copied because we had written it in pencil. WHO knew pencil didn't really show up in copies...it was dark too! So I had told her I would do it. And then forgot. You DON'T want to know when I remembered. I wasn't about to let her down, so I started working on it. On the first page I learned that writing OVER the pencil and then erasing is BAD. It smudged everything. So I had to look at what one person had, erase it, remember it and write it back down in pen...over and over. By 2 pages, and only having done up to letter E, my hand was cramping and starting to shake. Two hours later, lead covering my right hand and eraser filings surrounding my lil laptop desk, I was done. However, the shaking had taken over my entire right arm up to my shoulder.

When my Mom got up for work in the morning, she couldn't believe I had done that. She said I should've just forgotten about it, but then SHE would have had to do it. By this time my dad was up for work and was making himself breakfast. My father hates mornings that involve work, so he likes to push people's buttons, tease them or get a rise out of them...he thinks it's funny, even when he says something that someone else can find offensive. He thinks he is just kidding around but he can be rude, but not think so. Today, I don't remember WHAT we had been talking about, but he said something along the lines of "Your mother loves you...I don't know why", and as I turned to get a cup, it started bothering me...and as I poured koolaid, tears started falling faster and faster. My Dad didn't even notice, he was off on a "heehee" tangent, talking to the dog, but my Mom kept going "Uh Ken" and he was oblivious. By this time I was silently sobbing. My mom finally got it through to my Dad that I hadn't found his remark amusing. And he was like half laughing "Awww Wen" and giving me a hug...it wasn't until he backed up and saw my face, that he realized I was actually not okay. And I started openly sobbing. He was really quite apologetic and hugged me a lot, but I just couldn't seem to stop crying. Even after he apologized like 5 times and I tried to stop, and he left, I couldn't shake it. My Mom kept going up to me and hugging me, because the tears just kept coming. She told me it was okay, that I was stressed and tired, and needed to catch up on my sleep. So I took my medicine and lay down on the couch, watching one of my tv shows and the next thing I now it's 5 hours later. So I dragged my self upstairs and slept for 5 more hours. When I woke up, everyone else was gone, school, work, etc. So I went on my errands, picked up Journey to the Center of the Earth at Walmart (love Brendan Frasier), stopped by the library, etc. When I got home, the parents were both home, and awhile later my mother came downstairs and just seeing her...I started tearing up again. I told her I had no idea why I was crying again.

It's like I can't stop...and I have no idea why. When I started typing how I started crying before, I teared up ALL over again. It just feels like I am not in control of myself. All I want is to curl in a ball and hide myself away. I HATE feeling these feelings, they are familiar, but that NEVER makes it any easier! It just makes me want to give up, just let the depression and other crap, take over and swallow me whole. I am just extremely tired of it all.

Okay enough of this...I am going to go get my Horror Movie book out and pick out a passage to post, since Halloween is 3 days away...actually less now, and deserves proper Halloween respect. Okay so ignore me, I had to vent. Sorry. Let me go find my book.

Cupcakes...and Crisis

Well, before the crap hit the fan tonight, Sam and I had a good time decorating cupcakes. She is so sweet, she likes to make 2 dozen before holidays, and gives 3 people we know, 4 each. And she buys the little cute holiday 4-pack cupcake boxes, so they are just CUTE, and has the last dozen home for the family. But since we are SUCKING this year at getting the decorations up, I asked to be part of the process, so we decorated them tonight. Sam made orange frosting and bought this black icing in a spray cheese-like container and it came with 4 tips, so she wanted to make Jack-O-lanterns....unfortunately the can frosting pen tip...HATED us, and half that ended up AS Jacks, look deformed or drunk,etc. And the other half...well we tried some stuff. Some things turned out cute...some NOT.

Sam made us pose with our best and worst one. My best is the spider web, my worst was a spider on a web that ended up looking more like a palm tree...yeah that is a "home" one. Sam's best is a vampire Jack-O-Lantern, her worst...one that squirted so fast so it is a "ghost". LOL!











And these are all 24....yeah lucky we only give 12 away...one we call squished spider cuppie, one is deranged bat....yeah we get creative!! One of my mistakes ended up being "dog face" cuppie...kinda cute if I say so myself.





A lot of people have asked, so I will be honest. I am not doing so good unfortunately.I had a major anxiety attack tonight. One minute I was fine, and this small thing that bothered me was brought up, and I couldn't shake it, and then everything that has been bottled up inside of me, SPEWED. And I have a hard time vocally expressing myself so it is really hard...I get this upset stubbornness that doesn't ALLOW me to say whats wrong...so it can take a while to GET it out of me, which is hard on my family, I know it and I always apologize after...I don't mean to BE this way... and then the huge black ooze SPEWS out. Everything little and big that is bothering me...even if it is something I said didn't weeks ago. And then there's sobbing and apologizing for being such a burden. Feeling so out of control is scary, I know it's not healthy, but I know getting it out is supposedly good for you too. Endorphins or something like that. Whatever, not sure I believe that crap. I'm somewhat calmer now...hours later, and hopefully it will have helped to get some of the sadness out...I hate feeling like such a MESS...

The Pit of Despair

I knew that I wasn't doing so hot. That for the last few months, things have very dark...and I have been struggling. Trying my best not to give in to the overwhelming darkness surrounding me. But I have slid back, down into my personal pit of despair. I tend to think in pictures...or images...maybe it's the artist in me...I just SEE how I feel, a lot of the time, as pictures in my head. And one I have used since this whole depression train started, is my pit of despair.

It's very deep and so very cold and dark. The walls are completely vertical, and covered in wet mud...so it makes it harder to try and climb out...hard to feel any of the sun's comforting warmth on my face. I try over and over again to climb out...and sometimes I get a few feet up, where things are bearable or even...okay, not good or great...but okay. But I always end up falling or sliding back to the bottom...where I am so...alone. So cold and alone...and scared. Scared I will be in this terrifying place forever, all alone.

And I slid totally back to the bottom tonight. One inconsequential thing said to me...nothing important...but it was like the the straw that broke the camel's back. Everything I have feeling these last 2 months or so spilled to the surface, and all I could do was cry. My chest became so tight and it wouldn't go away. I knew it was an anxiety attack if I didn't calm down, and my Mom was there trying to get me to talk out what I was feeling. The only problem is, I don't know what's wrong. Sometimes you know, oh you are close to "Auntie Flo", or you just had a huge fight with so and so...but this last couple of months...I don't know what's wrong. And it has happened before, it is the MOST frustrating feeling I have ever experienced. Being depressed and wracked with anxiety attacks, when you KNOW what's wrong, is difficult enough, it's a daily battle I fight every single day, but I can see the reasons I am experiencing it. But when you feel so lost and filled with sadness and anxiety...and there is NO reason you can see...it is so beyond frustrating and incomprehensible. So scary...and it shakes my faith. Maybe that makes me a bad church member...but have a daily battle that takes place inside you...and tell me your faith doesn't ever falter. Because I don't think it is possible. When you don't have control over your own mind and where it wanders...thoughts you never want to BE thought, go through your mind. Not that I don't also cling to it...my faith. I cling to the thought that someday, when I am with HIM again...this will stop. It will be over forever. So my Mom brought me to my Dad and told him I needed a blessing.

And some of the things I thought he would say he did, but some stood out in my mind too. He has never mentioned my patriartical (eww can't spell it) blessing before...something I have been too scared to get...afraid of what it will say. That might sound crazy to a lot of you...but put yourself in my shoes...what if I find out I will suffer from these feelings, this life...until the day I die? The small bits of knowledge have seemed so scary. But crazy enough, a week or so ago, I wondered about it, wondered if I should get it...and then here it was, mentioned in my blessing. He also said to grow and work on my friendships. Except for Weezie and Gina, most of my friends have moved away...so I wondered, could he mean the friends I have found here...did he know that I have found some amazing people here...and that I shold continue to be here...and grow close to the people who seem to understand me? Maybe a lot of you are just like, cool a few online people to call cyber-bff's, but I have always taken friendship seriously. Maybe because my shyness has always meant I had few friends, so they were precious to me. So when I connect with people on here...I find myself really wanting you to know that I seriously consider you my friend. And I want you to think of me that way too, feel that way. I have found some really great people, who I love to talk to every chance I get, and you let me feel comfortable enough to be the easy going, hopefully funny person I am around close family and friends. And I hope you want to build on our friendship too. Because I am really good at sending Christmas cards, and sending e-cards on birthdays,etc. I hope I can strengthen friendships I feel, on here.

And I hope I can hold on...because these feelings are so scary...I feel so alone...and like a freak. Some people who have never seen it, even in someone close to them, have no understanding of people who do experience "this". I hope this hasn't sent anyone running...it's just a part of me...has been for almost 12 years now. I am having a really bad day...I slid back to the bottom of my pit of despair. Anyone wanna give me a hand?