The Pit of Despair

I knew that I wasn't doing so hot. That for the last few months, things have very dark...and I have been struggling. Trying my best not to give in to the overwhelming darkness surrounding me. But I have slid back, down into my personal pit of despair. I tend to think in pictures...or images...maybe it's the artist in me...I just SEE how I feel, a lot of the time, as pictures in my head. And one I have used since this whole depression train started, is my pit of despair.

It's very deep and so very cold and dark. The walls are completely vertical, and covered in wet mud...so it makes it harder to try and climb out...hard to feel any of the sun's comforting warmth on my face. I try over and over again to climb out...and sometimes I get a few feet up, where things are bearable or even...okay, not good or great...but okay. But I always end up falling or sliding back to the bottom...where I am so...alone. So cold and alone...and scared. Scared I will be in this terrifying place forever, all alone.

And I slid totally back to the bottom tonight. One inconsequential thing said to me...nothing important...but it was like the the straw that broke the camel's back. Everything I have feeling these last 2 months or so spilled to the surface, and all I could do was cry. My chest became so tight and it wouldn't go away. I knew it was an anxiety attack if I didn't calm down, and my Mom was there trying to get me to talk out what I was feeling. The only problem is, I don't know what's wrong. Sometimes you know, oh you are close to "Auntie Flo", or you just had a huge fight with so and so...but this last couple of months...I don't know what's wrong. And it has happened before, it is the MOST frustrating feeling I have ever experienced. Being depressed and wracked with anxiety attacks, when you KNOW what's wrong, is difficult enough, it's a daily battle I fight every single day, but I can see the reasons I am experiencing it. But when you feel so lost and filled with sadness and anxiety...and there is NO reason you can see...it is so beyond frustrating and incomprehensible. So scary...and it shakes my faith. Maybe that makes me a bad church member...but have a daily battle that takes place inside you...and tell me your faith doesn't ever falter. Because I don't think it is possible. When you don't have control over your own mind and where it wanders...thoughts you never want to BE thought, go through your mind. Not that I don't also cling to it...my faith. I cling to the thought that someday, when I am with HIM again...this will stop. It will be over forever. So my Mom brought me to my Dad and told him I needed a blessing.

And some of the things I thought he would say he did, but some stood out in my mind too. He has never mentioned my patriartical (eww can't spell it) blessing before...something I have been too scared to get...afraid of what it will say. That might sound crazy to a lot of you...but put yourself in my shoes...what if I find out I will suffer from these feelings, this life...until the day I die? The small bits of knowledge have seemed so scary. But crazy enough, a week or so ago, I wondered about it, wondered if I should get it...and then here it was, mentioned in my blessing. He also said to grow and work on my friendships. Except for Weezie and Gina, most of my friends have moved away...so I wondered, could he mean the friends I have found here...did he know that I have found some amazing people here...and that I shold continue to be here...and grow close to the people who seem to understand me? Maybe a lot of you are just like, cool a few online people to call cyber-bff's, but I have always taken friendship seriously. Maybe because my shyness has always meant I had few friends, so they were precious to me. So when I connect with people on here...I find myself really wanting you to know that I seriously consider you my friend. And I want you to think of me that way too, feel that way. I have found some really great people, who I love to talk to every chance I get, and you let me feel comfortable enough to be the easy going, hopefully funny person I am around close family and friends. And I hope you want to build on our friendship too. Because I am really good at sending Christmas cards, and sending e-cards on birthdays,etc. I hope I can strengthen friendships I feel, on here.

And I hope I can hold on...because these feelings are so scary...I feel so alone...and like a freak. Some people who have never seen it, even in someone close to them, have no understanding of people who do experience "this". I hope this hasn't sent anyone running...it's just a part of me...has been for almost 12 years now. I am having a really bad day...I slid back to the bottom of my pit of despair. Anyone wanna give me a hand?