Wednesday, October 29, 2008

10 Wildlife....and an Introduction

Haha! Tricked you, by luring you with this precious photo!! Now...READ! It's okay...NOT scary, FUNNY!!

"10 Wildlife Creatures That Are Always Evil

  1. Monkeys. Opportunistic little bastards. A monkey would sell it's own mother for a stale banana peel - which is why they are always recruited as spies by the enemy.
  2. Rottweilers. Dogs are universally good, with one exception. It seems that Rottweilers put their paw print on a contract with Satan, since they're always portrayed as rabid psychopaths or guardians of the Antichrist.
  3. Sharks. They're bad enough in the real world. In Horror movies, sharks can carry a grudge, solve problems, eat boats, and track humans halfway across the globe.
  4. Ravens. As birds go, ravens are quite pleasant. Unfortunately they are also classic harbingers of impending doom.

5. Cats. Whereas monkeys are evil because it pays well, cats are just plain evil. They don't need an incentive to sell you out or steal your baby's breath; they do it for the sheer pleasure of being rotten.
6. Rats. Where there's one rat, there's 14,000. And where there's 14,000 rats, there's some sociopath using them to murder people.
7. Bats. It's not a bat, it's a VAMPIRE!
8. Owls. Owls have been waging a PR campaign to change their perennial image as evil creatures. They've bought their way into a few family films, playing the faithful friend or endangered species, but don't be fooled - they're cold-hearted killers.
9. Sloths. There's actually nothing to suggest that sloths are evil. But seeing as they are the only animal named after a deadly sin, it's probably best to avoid them.
10. Wolves. It's not a wolf, it's a werewolf!!"

LOL, I laughed so hard at Owls. I LOVE the Harry Potter movies and want an owl of my own, so them "buying" themselves into the Potter films is hysterical! And poor sloths, like Sid from Ice Age...condemned to be evil because sloth is one of the seven deadly sins. Poor John Leguizamos Sid!!



'Don't let us make imaginary evils, when you know we have so many
real ones to encounter.'
- Oliver Goldsmith (1730-1774)

Brace yourself for some bad news - if you're reading this, there's a good chance you've become trapped in a horror movie. I know, I know - it sounds crazy, but you'll just have to trust me for a minute, OK? This book has a knack for finding it's way into the right hands - if it's found it's way into yours, there's a reason.

Questions. You've got a million. Lord knows I did. 'How's that even possible?' 'Why me?' 'Am I going to die?' Nobody knows the answers to those first two. Maybe you fell down a rabbit hole, or took one too many puffs off the ol' peace pipe. Or, in the words of Aldous Huxley, 'Maybe this world is another planets hell.' As for the last one? The answers 'yes, and that right soon' - unless you do exactly what I tell you over the next 170 pages.

I've spent the better part of my life (if you can call it that) trapped in the Terrorverse-sleeping with one eye open and one finger on the trigger. For almost 20 years now, I've tangled with all manner of ghosts, demons. slashers, and half-retarded hillbillies. I've vanquished vampires, blown off the heads of my share of zombies, even danced with the devil himself - all witout a lick of help. And you know what? I'm still here, so I figure I must be doing something right.

I've also watched a lot of good people die (spend enough time in a horror movie, and you're bound to lose two things: friends and appendages). I've also watched screen-writers and directors - the invisible gods of this godforsaken land - become increasingly clever and cruel over the years, So I decided to write down what I'd learned, in hopes the new arrivals in Terrorverse (that's you) would stand a better chance of making it all the way to the end credits. Sharing the skills I'd learned from a life spent dodging the kills.

From this moment on, nothing is as it seems. You're not a human being, you're a character - and filmmakers are doing everything in their power to kill you, even now. Supernatural powers and curses are real, and numbers like 666 and 237 can kill you just as easily as a butcher knife. Log cabins are slaughterhouses, cornstalks are antennas for evil, and aliens never, ever, come in peace.

And me? I'll be your guide through hell. I'll teach you how to peform an excorcism, survive a night of babysitting, and navigate a cemetery (without becoming a permanent addition). I'll teach you how to escape the inescapable, spot harbingers of impending doom, and defeat a haunted house. Most importantly, I'll show you how to make life miserable for the screenwiters and directors who are trying to end yours.

So I suggest you stick close, pay attention, and avoid breaking the Terrorverse's only commandment: Thou Shalt NOT Be Stupid.

Now Come with me, if you want to live...."

Cool, eh?! I thought it was hilarious that the bad guys are the writers and directors, that it's not the monsters out to get you, it's their creators! Anyone know what 237 is though? Can't figure that one out. And YES I believe in Supernatural...I watch my Jensen every week...and repeatedly on dvd...over and over again...yeah. Okay, anywho, don't you love the one "commandment"?! Because that is why people die in most horror movies...stupidity!! NOT open that door, just TURN and RUN you idiot! Have I said this to the screen or tv before? Why yes I have. There has only ever been one smart character in a horror movie...yes he died in one, but he explained why it was possible...Jamie Kennedy's Randy in the Scream movies. He knew the rules, even made a cameo in the third explaining in a trilogy, there ARE no Syd had better look out...did she listen? No...not until the end of the movie...after her entire social network was DEAD. So as Randy said...don't be stupid!! LOL!

Now scroll up and give the monkey a big kiss! Isn't he adorable?!...or is he? Mwahahahaha!

10 meaningful meanderings:

KT said...

Yip, I totally agree. Especially with the rottwielers, sharks, and cats part. Actually, with all of it. Animals belong in the wild, and not on my front porch begging to come inside.

stupid cat...

Jillene said...

I KNEW that cats and rats had to be on that list!! They are spawn of the devil I tell you!!

Anonymous said...

We had a rottwieler once. Loved THAT dog, big teddy bear and I felt safe cuz he scared the HECK out of the neighbors!


Brittany said...

Of course I don't agree with the whole Cat Thing. Come on, you've seen pictures of Parley P.! He's super cute. :p

But I would like to add Pit Bulls to that list. YUCK.

Erin The Great said...

What if you have a cat who thinks he's a dog? He trys barking and waggs his tail and is always excited to see you? I agree with you with every other thing on that list though.... Rats and Monkeys are evil to the core of thier hollow beings... ooh ooh spiders and snakes too.

Marie said...

Hey , I still have a real-live-OWL in my backyard!!
I totally wish I could give it to you ..but it goes to the rescue tommorow..dammit!
L, Marie

Rowboat said...

wow that was intense. i can't believe you don't like rats. they are sweet little precious babies that i cuddle and kiss every chance i get.

Whitney R said...

My grandma had a monkey that hung himself.

Not kidding. :)

Wendyburd1 said...

Whit - a Sister missionary like 12 years ago told us her monkey, like Ross' on Friends, had committed suicide!! And she WAS serious!

Deb said...

i didn't realize that owls were evil... although, they are birds, so duh...

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