Saturday, February 28, 2009

I Hate Pizza Slut

Ughhh. I hate food. My Mom wanted pizza tonight for her birthday while we watched License to Wed. Now she had wanted it from JD's a little place down the street, where she likes it, but the girls and Dad kind of..."talked" her into getting Pizza Hut. I was excited to see the movie, it is mine but I hadn't seen it yet. And the reason I hate food? I ate less than 2 pieces of pizza and 40 minutes into the movie, I am sicker than a dog. They waited for me...the first time. After that, I said go ahead without me (of course I didn't mean it, when you are into it, you'd rather they wait, but no one says that) as I writhed in pain. This HAD to happen on my Mom's birthday. And she hated the pizza, thought it was gross! Sure, she has decreed her birthday isn't over until Sunday night, thus getting homemade apple pie and a full chicken dinner on Sunday (mmmm), but she deserves it. Worked until like 6 on her birthday, got sucky pizza, etc.

She liked most of the stuff I got her (Russel Stover pectin jelly beans, aloe infused socks, The Green Mile dvd, Calgon bath beads) but does want to return the Alfred Hitchcock dvd, which has 20 of his first movies...it is alright though, when I looked at what amazon was selling it for, I saw that like 8 of them are silent films...ew! She got clothes she picked out (she is SO picky with clothes), candy, socks, movie cards, books, jewelery, so she was happy. Yay!

I ended up talking to her for an hour in my room. I am just so frustrated. I don't know what I feel right now, not anything good obviously, but I feel so confused and uncertain, it just is as scary as being so miserable. I have no idea what my emotions, beside not good, are. So I needed some of my rock. My Mom really is the best. She is in all honesty, my best friend. I can always count on her. She helps prop me up when I want to fall down. She is my hero.

In 2 weeks, 7 hours and 16 minutes, we take off for Florida. Part of me wants to look forward to it...palm trees swaying while lying in a warm pool, is a realaxtion scenario of mine, and part feels like I can't feel any of the excitement I normally feel, which sucks. I hope that changes once I see some swaying.

...this show Flashpoint bores me, why did they sandwich it between Ghost Whisperer and Numb3rs?! They took a GOOD show, last years' Moonlight (ohhh holy hot guy) and cancelled it. Then they took this cute show The Ex-List and yanked it after like 4 episodes....CBS is ticking me off...

This video by Shontelle was a tribute to Barack Obama, which is fine, but when I first heard it, it seemed like a good friendship song too, so I give you all this video...

Friday, February 27, 2009

Sorry So Here's a Flashback

Hey Guys,
Sorry, not much is different for me today. I am trying to keep busy so that I have less time to think, which is my downfall. And I think if I talk in too much detail tonight, I might lose it a little. I AM really glad that whatever it is I wrote that made some understand depression a little bit more, was said. I know it really doesn't make sense to a lot of people until they actually experience it, so I am glad for that. And thank you all for the kind words...I am just so ready, 12 years ready, for this all to go away now. The daily fight is just so exhausting. I am going to put all of Friday, okay as much as I can...stupid brain, into my Mom's Birthday. She has to work but we have plans set in motion to make it as good as we can.

So since I have little to say, I give you a Flashback Video by Jordy...a one hit wonder for sure.



Please tell me other people remember this song by Jordy, the little french boy!! It was HUGE...wow a lil boy was more popular than most other white singers we liked...which seems to be few. I swear he says poop a lot in this song, LOL!

Thursday, February 26, 2009

Staircases


Depression can be like a really LONG staircase that you continue to climb, as it goes on and on forever. You can have a situation where with some meds, some talking and you are good, but when you are diagnosed with depression, etc, it is a continual climb up this relentless staircase that never ends. They tell you, keep on climbing kid, it will end eventually, you will get to the top, you just have to keep on trying...

Well the staircase picked me up, and not just pushed me down a few steps backwards, it literally picked me up and hurled me down a few flights of stairs, until I landed painfully on my side and curled up into a ball to hug the pain to myself. Things are getting stuck in my brain again, and not necessarily bad things, hey the Twilight series is there...but when you have no control of your brain, when it goes to places you don't want it to go and you can't escape, that is when it is too far, too much. Because then the fear comes. Was listening to this series a mistake? If I had ignored wanting to know how it ends, would I be okay right now? Would the fear that is making me curl into a fetal position stop? You see, maybe just in my case, once something gets me really afraid, gets really stuck, it snowballs into a bigger and uglier pile of....crap.

And I lost it. For two hours on Tuesday I sobbed, and all I could keep saying was...I'm so scared. Having a song stuck in your head, that is a common annoying thing, but when you can't even enjoy other activities because you can't escape your own thoughts, it turns into something else. And then the fear begins. Am I going back to where I was just a few months ago? Is this med even working? Should I get off of it and try something new? WHY am I feeling like this? Why can't I even enjoy this ONE thing, without being terrified that it is in there permanently, and will never leave me alone? And you get to a point where you are so worried, so afraid, so scared of yourself, that you (or it could just be me) implode. Black bile just seems to seep from your every orifice, black ugly sludge that is coming from you but you can't stop it. It's like an avalanche and the emotions and that horrible darkness rush to the surface, exploding. You sob, but the pain never leaves it keeps ahold of you clawing it's way back in, though you should feel lighter after a good cry. But it never left you, so you feel empty and alone and so very scared.

It's been a few months since it was really really bad, and I thought, that while I am NOT okay still, it might have gotten a shade less horrid. But it flooded back, pushing me further down the steps, until I feel battered and bruised all over again. And what does that do to my brain? I mean besides terrifying me, and making me feel like I am being punished? It makes me doubt the medications I am on. Is this new med doing nothing? Because why am I back to square 1 if it is doing it's intended job? But if I get off of it, what if it feels even worse? Because I feel like I just want to stop trying, to let it take over and do what it will. My Dad gave me a blessing, but it is so hard to keep the faith when I feel so lost. My Dad says He tests the ones he loves and trusts the most...why? If I did such a good job up in the pre-existence, why am I being hurt so badly in this life? Why do other people, who I see who drink and do drugs and have sex with anybody they feel like, why are they so happy? And I, I try and do nothing bad, to have the morals the Church has taught me my entire life...I am left drowning in myself, feeling so alone? How is that fair? Because as bad as it may sound...I am so tired of the tests. I am so exhausted from fighting daily against what feels like myself, and I want it to end. Sure, I want to be with my family for eternity, and so I can't stop the pain by doing anything rash, but even knowing I can't do that, it doesn't mean my brain doesn't ever go there. And then I think, okay, none of that, how about it being MY time? Why can't it be my time, so I can finally stop feeling so scared and be in His arms, arms that can soothe all the hurt away, and make me whole again, make me feel the way I did when I was...three years old, happy and carefree and full of faith that everything is right with the world? I am so tired.

I posted this poem awhile ago...not even sure if I already posted it, but it fits, so here I go again maybe.

How is it to be me, are you sure you really want to know?

That’s opening a Pandora’s Box that can never be closed.

It’s a simple question that deserves a simple answer.

Unfortunately simple and I have never seen eye to eye.

For so long now I’ve been stuck in a dark, cold pit.

Bloodying my hands as I try over and again to crawl my way out.

Digging my broken fingers into the dirty mud as I try to pull myself up.

Hitting the ground harder each time as I fall from different heights.

I used to think that things could change, that I could pull myself into the light.

But soon you forget what the warmth of the sun feels like, you even flinch when it grazes your skin.

The darkness has been my home for so long, I don’t know what anything else would feel like.

I’ve been this broken person half my life now, could I even be anyone else?

How is it to be me, are you sure you really want to know?

I’m not sure I understand, how can I expect anyone else to?





I am sorry if it is a dark post, but I try to be honest...and honestly this is where I am right now. Take me or leave me, this blog is a way to journal my life...and right now my life makes me afraid, afraid that this feeling is forever...and that scares me the most. Thank you all who put up with my free flowing words. You will never know how much it means, that there are people who care enough, not to give up on me as a lost cause.*hugs*

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Done and Sad!

Sorry not really a post tonight! I spent hours listening to the last of Breaking Dawn, II finished the Twilight Series, and it was wonderful!! I am already kinda sad, I don't want to say goodbye to the characters!! Sure I already listened to a few fave pieces from this last book, but I am sad there will not be new adventures, they SO should write more, even if centered around some other characters! I wanna know about Alice!! Where IS she from? And how about Renesme's story? Etc, etc?! She could SO do more, I hope so, I love the Cullen family!

Gotta go, I spent way more time than I was "allowed" to, and I want to watch Heroes at least!! And Kyle XY!! *hugs*

Sunday, February 22, 2009

Meyers Trance

Sorry I have been mostly MIA during the weekend, so unlike me. I blog non-stop and usually comment as much as possible, but I got sucked in. Sucked into the world Stephenie Meyer's created. I finished listening to Eclipse the other night, it was like 11 hours of listening to Eclipse, I HAD to know how it ended THAT night, plus I got hooked on listening to my favorite parts of Twilight. His going from loathing her because of her appeal, to deciding, screw it, I'll go to hell to be near her, just makes me smile. Luckily, I listened to my fave parts of New Moon before I started Eclipse. Which is only the final chapters, because I can't STAND that whole book being NON-Edward. It just pisses me off. So I listen from when Alice shows up worried to the end, and that is it.

And I began Breaking Dawn last night. The wedding, the honeymoon, just enchanted. I only wanted to listen to her tell the Cullen family she was keeping that baby, when it switched to this annoying MALE's voice, which when speaking for Bella or Alice or Esme, makes me think of them as transgenders (there is nothing wrong with transgenders) but seeing big male hands in my mind when Bella is talking just is not pretty. And like I care what Jacob who hates Edward and the "bloodsuckers" thinks! Okay so I went from happy to furious at the turn of events, we never even got to hear Bella's conversation on the phone with Rosalie!! So I could NOT stop listening until it went back to the pleasant voice of the person ho has been reading all four books, back to Bella's perspective. I admit, I calmed down when I was intrigued when Jake broke off and became an Alpha and Seth joined him and much to Jake's annoyance, he has a pack of two siblings, one the only girl werewolf ever known about. So instead of fast-forwarding the majority of his 12 chapters, I listened. I like that he is softening towards the Cullen's, LOVE that Seth already trusts them so much, which pisses Jacob off. So I spent WAY too long on listening again, like 10 hours. So I am exhausted, up way too long, so I apologize for not reading posts the last few days. I am about to listen for a FEW (FEW WENDY!! TRY!) hours, there is only one Jacob chapter left and then she gives birth so I am quite excited! I hope to be good and am able to comemnt later, as long as I don'r go into a trance again an then please forgive me...I can't manage to pay attention and read posts...imagine that!

Friday, February 20, 2009

Flitting from One Thought to Another


Just finished Chapter 20 of Eclipse...I SO love Edward and Bella. Personally, the second Edward brought up marriage in New Moon, I would have been all over that, but I shall forgive Bella, as I love her character so much. Please...character, they are SO real to me, and if that makes me happy, I give you a raspberry if you disagree!! I am GLAD I waited until she wrote ALL the books before I started with them, as I could NOT handle the time in between!! I get to go less crazy than the people who waited the years for the series!!

Man, happiness in Daytime's first gay marriage did NOT last long...my poor Binks. Greenlee "died" the night of her and Reese's wedding, and then Bianca found out about the kiss between Reese and Zach, her brother in law...though Reese kissed HIM. And so Binks is off to Paris, which means Eden Riegel is gone....luckily she will be back in a few months to wrap up the story with Reese. Yay!

My friend Connie is in London as I mentioned to a few people, and I get to be kept up to date with her adventures through her blog. She got a special...something...through BYU and is there until March I believe and she is an English major, so the girl can write SO well about her adventures, it can almost feel like experiencing it yourself. And she is getting to go to France and Scotland soon, I am so jealous! Such a cool oppurtunity! And she is such a great girl! I was one of her coaches for YW b-ball one year and "Twinkle-Toes" (her nickname), she was the heart of the team, which I don't think she has ever known. She was their cheerleader, and she just tried her best, encouraged the others and had FUN! That is what we wanted for all the girls, but some were just...wanting to win way too much, or getting themselves so upset that our team wasn't too good, that they cried after every game. It takes time to get a team that has even a few really good players and they just couldn't get that. So my sister and I were not asked to be coaches the next year...which is a shame, we knew what we were doing, we were on our wards inital YW team!! I had been assistant coach for the YW team for about 7 years, then some others tried for a few years but couldn't hack it before we took over. And the reason we both believe we were not asked back? Well two reasons, we think. One, the Mom of the crying girls did not like that her daughter cried....did we yell at them after for losing, or be mean coaches? No, we told them good try, this girl is just a crier like her mom! The second reason? We did not win even one game...poor girls. But getting a team on it's feet that has only some raw talent takes time!
I was 14 when our ward decided to take part. Kate was 12. The first game? We losy bu 57 points...we had 0!! That whole first season was one laugh for the audience after another. And we always struggled for years, but Katie became the point guard to be afraid of, we gained players with more experience, we got our own skills (I had a killer corner shot that I never missed...back then) and finally my Senior Year in high school, we won the Stake tournament and Regionals! That took us 4 years, although we were doing really good by year 2. So see, it takes more than one season to develop skills and the communication between players. Most of these girls had neevr played before except my friend Connie, and trying to get them to PASS the ball and NOT stand still and get open for passes so shots could be made...was never that well achieved. We even got older brothers to scrimmage so they could develop better defense skills, but some were concerned with their nails or looking pretty (oy), and then there were the 2 sisters who only sometimes showed up in gym clothes, they refused to practice if their hair was nice and they had cute outfts for mutual on (this was infuriating they knew practice was first). And there were the 2 sisters who only sometimes could make it to practice or to games...if you make a committment to a team, keep the committment. One or two misses, and of course if you are sick stay home, but this was just hard on the other girls. When you only have 5 girls at a game, they have to play the WHOLE game, and some have asthma!! So, not getting to stick with these girls who we loved, faults and all, because we didn't win was just plain crazy. Consistency is what they needed. We had b-ball clinics even, our Dad is a professional b-ball referee!! I think it was a poor decision on some of the parents end to force this decision on the Bishop. We and the girls really got along well, we nicknamed them all and gave them certificates with their name and told them why we picked the names. Did I have my faves? Okay yes I am so bad. And Connie was one of them, which was why when I found out her family was moving to Utah I was so upset! Connie is a breath of fresh air, in everything she did, she is just a delight, and has a huge heart, and has no cruel streak in her bones. Well siblings don't count, so go for it Con!!LOL! She is my friend, and I'd like to think, now that we are both adults, if she were here, she would be a really good friend. She is that cool and amazing, the kind of girl/woman that you would all want as a friend.

Who watched Lost last night?! I was so psyched to see them all on the plane...except what IS up with Aaron?! He was part of Oceanic 6!! Did Kate give him to Claire's mom? And if Claire is NOT dead...which we may not find out until next season...won't she be pissed that her kid is gone...forever?!!! I would be!!

And anyone lese watch Top Chef? Down to the final episodes!! Stefan is gone, haha!! Way too cocky he and Stefan both! I am sad the Jeff's second chance didn't get him to the final three! I am not thrilled with the final three. Carla has quite a few screws loose, Josea has never impressed me...Stefan DOES deserve to be there, he is good, but do I want to root for someone who thinks he deserves it all? No. I can't believe Jamie was kicked off, she really impressed me and I would have rooted for her. I am so missing Project Runway, they need to settle these legal matters pronto!! Even the whole "Watchmen" movie debacle seems to be resolved as it has a release date, so what is the problem-O?!!
*Jaime of Top Chef

Is that enough flitting from one subjest to another.....I suppose so! Ohh and did I mention using pee in his hair Eric Nies is back on Confessions of a Teen Idol? He is, more gross pee fun!!

Thursday, February 19, 2009

Dontcha Know?

Okay first, do NOT rent Quarantine OR Body of Lies. Most of you hate horror so there goes the first one, which I was like huh? It isn't the fact that it is seen the whole time through a video camera, because Cloverfield did that and it was amazing! This just made no sense in even one teensy eensy way! Okay...kinda like rabies, so they are quarantined in this building...no one helps them...they ALL die...it kind of looks like someone in one of the apartments created this...whatever it is...the end. Say wha??!! Yeah that bad.
Body of Lies, I was like, has to be better. Russel Crowe and Leo Dicaprio...lies must be involved...but I get 30 minutes in and I am like....so when does anything begin? Leo is in a third world country killing and being blown up, Russel seems like a jerk back in the US....AND? I mean if I am not getting the movie 30 minutes in, not even curious as to WHEN they will get to what this movie is even about...that is bad! Cuz I have sat through some bad movies, but the fact that I was finally just, STOP. Forget it, please tell me this won no awards because 30 minutes in and what am I watching??!! Aggghhhhh! I should have watched the HSM 3 or the one with the Shaun of the Dead guy. Singing or funny dude would have been so much more interesting at least!

Tonight, at least, I saw a good movie. The sisters hijacked me tonight. I was all set for a shower, had my clothes ready and they inform me, no go get dressed we are going to see "New in Town" in 10 minutes. Ummm okay. No I did not put up a fight, this movie looked promising. And it was, lol! Part of the reason was Sam loves the phrase, "Dontcha know?", as she has seen it in other movies that take place in Minnesota...some beauty pageant one with Denise Richards and Kirsten Dunst. So she has loved that phrase for eons. Plus hey romantic comedy!! And it was really funny, even the bro might get a kick out of it!

Lucy (Renee Zelwegger) is a Miami-based exec who all the guys in the office seem to hate, so when they decide they want to turn this one plant into a plant that produces an energy bar and want to shave half the workers out, they put Lucy's name up. She says FINE then. Only big boss wants an on site person...and then she finds out it is in Minnesota. She is so totally NOT prepared for these surroundings. Really I don't know how anyone does NOT know that in winter Minnesota is COLD. But Lucy does not. And she brings her normal stiletto heeled, tiny suits wardrobe with her. So yeah whe is unpleasantly surprised when she exits the airport. And Lucy, she is what you expect from her appearance. She is condescending, snooty and thinks she knows everything. And then she gets to the town of New Ulm, her new home for the foreseeable future. And immediately is ensnared in the life of Blanche, her secretary while in New Ulm. Blanche and Trudy show her the house she will be in, and warn her about some things, which Lucy sniffs at. And Lucy makes snap judgements of people immediately. Blanche and her silly scrap-booking. That night Blanche invites her to dinner and to her surprise when she arries, she is introduced to Ted (Harry Connick, Jr.). They immediately clash at dinner. Over music (she asks his daughter if she likes Fergie, Ted thinks she is a bimbo), business...basically everything, both end up walking out.

Things don't go well at the factory either. No one likes her or respects her, except Blanche. Which doesn't make Lucy any nicer to her. She lectures Blanche on being professional and NOT setting her up with lame, truck-driving hill-billies who....blah blah, and while Blanche tries to interrupt, Lucy keeps going then demands to see the Union Rep who she needs on her side....yeah Ted IS the union rep. and had heard the entire tirade. CLASH.

While I would definitely say this is a chick flick, it is also funny, so guys go see it! The conundrums that Lucy finds herself in, from being naive, to stupid, to drunk, are just hilarious! The factory workers try their best to get the best of her whenever they can, Lucy keeps trying though. And she begins to like people in the town. Falls for the tapioca (yeah I am not telling about the tapioca but it is a BIG part of this movie, LOL!), starts seeing Ted in a new light. Has FUN. But the fun can only last for so long. The town she is falling for, she was sent to fire a majority of. The people she is becoming friendly with, don't know their futures are up in the air and in the hands of Lucy.

What will Lucy do? And when Ted and the town finds out why she was sent there, can they even look at her without being filled with disgust? And when the bosses fill her in on newer plans, is there anything Lucy can do to change their minds? Can she create something from nothing? Will she risk her career for these new friends or resume the life she loved in sunny Miami as a VP? And even if she can pull off the unthinkable, is there any reason left for her to stay? Can the trust she shattered be rebuilt?

This movie is filled with laughs, romance, and the adventures of a big city girl thrown into a small town and the hilarity that ensues. Minnesota is the perfect setting for this movie, as this is not a typical town, and what can happen is anything but common. And it needs this kind of town to tell it's tale. This is an endearing town and tale so dontcha think you should give this movie a chance? Dontcha know?

P.S. Cheated at my 2 hours only of Eclipse, Mom will hurt me, LOL. It was 3 hours and I wanted to continue, I mean I finally heard Jasper's tale! And had to stop!! Arrgghhh! Some people on Meyer's website said Bella falls in love with Jakob in Eclipse...they had SO better be wrong! I could barely handle the second book, Edward not being there, I had that irrational meltdown because he was not IN the bloody book, so this better be dead wrong! I know who she picks at the end, but there had better NOT be doubts in her head or Edwards. She can BFF love Jakob from here to eternity, but step away from Edward's love? I will bleep-slap her!! And Jakob! True Love people! I am all about the true love, and if I were Bella? Edward forever, bite me now!

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Push Dead Like Me, Edward


I was pleased, okay very pleased with two things today! And this is after having a 48 hour period where I got a total of 11 hours of sleep, so me being pleased when I am lacking in the sleep department, is A-mazing.

First pleasing thing is "Dead Like Me: Life After Death" got out on dvd today. It is a follow-up movie for the *sob* cancelled series Dead Like Me. And while it has no Rube(Mandy Patinkin) *sob* in it, it has George and her fellow reapers, Roxy and Mason, so I am very excited to see it. Can't see it yet though, I rented 4 movies from Redbox. Quarantine, HSM 3, Body of Lies and How to Lose Friends and Alienate People (the guy from Shaun of the Dead, which is hysterical btw). So after I listen to Eclipse on cd for two hours (we agreed to limit me, otherwise I get all OCD and try to listen to all 13 cd's in one night...which is impossible, that is like 30 hours of read-aloud book...and I did it in 3 last time and was a tired wreck so limits it is! Or wil try to be. Anyway, I am so psyched to see my beloved reapers again, Mason (Callum Blue) is HOT and hysterical! Yeah when he was alive he tried to get the untimate high by drilling a hole into his head...yeah he didn't achieve that goal, he died. And became a very...interesting reaper, LOL.

The second pleasing thing was going to see the movie, Push. I don't care what any review may have said ( I really don't listen to them), I really enjoyed this movie. During WWII, the Germans searched for a way to make a psychic army with powers that would make them indestructible. They were unsuccessful, but the US continued their experimentation, until they became successful with some. But if you refused to join the "division", they hunted you down and executed you. But many got away and had families, children. And that is where the story takes place. In the lives of a few second-generation young people.

Nick (Chris Evans) had found a safe place in Hong Kong, or so he thought. He is a "mover" he can move things with his mind, stop things in their tracks, make his punch have a little more...oomph. Unfortunately, "sniffers" find him. Any object you have touched, they can see what has transpired, etc. And even though 10 years had passed since his father was murdered by the Division while he hid, his old toothbrush had finally led them to him and they took his new one so they could find him again. But as much as they wanted to pick him up, they were searching for another, a young woman and they "saw" that Nick hasn't been around this woman. And Carver, the pusher who killed Nick's father was in Hong Kong.

You see, the Division was still experimenting, with a new drug, and all the ability people they had tried it on had died. As did this young woman, but then she was alive again and she escapes taking a syringe of the drug with her, using her "pusher" abilities, they can "push" specific thoughts, memories, and emotions into their targets. This technique can be used to gain a subject's trust or to make them perform any action, even suicide, without question. And she was patient 00. She held the answers to how she survived and how to make others survive, so she was...top priority.

Once Nick was alone another knock came, the voice that came through the door said she had a new toothbrush for him, which is an interesting first hello. Enter Cassie (Dakota Fanning), trying to lure him into her "mission" with the promise of 6 million dollars. She was a "watcher" so she could see the future, and she said if they found the young woman the sniffers were after, they would find 6 million dollars. Nick was wary as why didn't she just find this girl herself. But as Cassie explains the future is contantly changing, and she was not the strongest of watchers. Plus she was a bad artist, which is not helpful as watchers try to get what they see down on paper. But Nick thinks it is bull and as he begins to ditch her, Cassie has a vision and runs screaming that they are on their way. They are attacked by a Hong Kong based family of special powers, the Triad, mostly "bleeders" whose high-pitched sonic vibrations can inflict intense damage on living tissue and inanimate objects. Nick is being killed as he "moves" Cassie away. But the daughter stops her brothers, as she is a watcher, she sees that Nick can lead them to the young woman, Kira. Cassie finds Nick abandoned and has a stitcher who owes her mother a favor fix him(they can perform psychic surgeries, instantly repairing or inflicting lethal trauma). And Cassie hands him a lotus blossom. Which is where they story really begins. Right before he had Nick hide, his father told him a girl would one day approach him and give him a flower. She would be on a mission and he MUST do what she says in order to "save us all." And thus, Nick is bound to Cassie's mission. Which does NOT involve money. She knows she must find this girl and a case she has, in order to save everyone. Herself, Nick and even her own mother, who is the worlds stongest watcher and had been captured by the Division. Even though she keeps seeing her own death, she does not sway from this mission. Kira (Camilla Belle) wakes up not remembering anything of the tests, but finds herself in Hong Kong, being hunted.

Will Kira be found by Cassie and Nick before the Division goons get ahold of her? Is finding her really in Cassie and Nick's best interest? As Cassie's drawings lead them further in their quest, dragging in shadowers (can shield an area/person from detection), shifters (can transmute objects for a short time. For example a one dollar bill a shifter changes to a hundred dollar bill could stay that way for hours) and a sniffer who can help them find Kira. And could there be a connection between Nick and Kira? And as Kira gets sicker and sicker, side effects of the drug, when or if they find Kira, will Nick turn her back to Carver to save her life? Will the Triad get ahold of Kira first? When Carver finds Cassie, will he let her live...how will his decision affect the future? Can Nick figure out a plan that saves him, Kira, Cassie, their friends and Cassie's mom? A plan that will stop the Division and the Triad both? What is a Wiper and how does he fit into this stoey and plan? Will the Triad's watcher kill Cassie as she plans? Does Kira even know who she really is? Is she good or bad? And can what is in that syringe save them all or kill them all? And WHAT does soy sauce have to do with it all? Grab your movie bag full of cabdy contraband and run to the theaters to find out!! I so see a sequel and I better NOT be disappointed, as I loved this movie so much! I love abilities what can I say?

I also finished listening to chapter 9 of Eclipse, book 3 in the Twilight series, and am LOVING it. Edward rocks, and I want to kick Jakob in the groin for saying he'd rathe her be dead than be a vampire. SHUT IT werewolf!!

An ode to AMC/Daytime's First Gay Marriage


Ahh it was a momentous day for Daytime Soaps today, I just finished watching daytime's first gay marriage on All My Children. They are both gorgeous brides, it makes ya sick, but it is daytime, so what did I expect. Nothing less. And Eden Riegel's Bianca, is a favorite of mine. She caught my attention when I was flipping through the channels one day. I read Soap Opera Digest so I knew they had made Erica Kane's daugher Bianca gay. But I tuned in one day and found out she had been raped and was pregnant. I already feel sick when rape is even mentioned and it is never okay, but to me it was even worse because the one man Bianca had "sex" with was her rapist. That would be her experience with heterosexual "sex". It just immediatley enraged me all the more.

But what drew me in even more, was after years of not getting along with her half-sister Kendall (the awesome Alicia Minshew), she was the one person she told and felt she could turn to (how could she tell her Mom she was a victim the same way her mom had been?). And Kendall ended up being the reason why Binks decided to keep the baby. Kendall was a product of rape, and Binks realized that it was not the baby's fault (she saw how being given up because of "what" she was, had messed up Kendall) and began to fall in love with her baby. And these 2 actresses made the relationship just amazing to watch. So I had to see the next day, and I began watching as Kendall helped protect her sister, by pretending to be the one who was pregant. And when people knew about the rape, they were even more disgusted that Kendall was "carrying" that evil man's baby. But she took it. The love that developed between these two sisters is what made me fall in love with this show. So seeing her happy and married, with her oldest daughter Miranda (yes that baby) and her newborn Gabrielle (if you don't watch you don't need to know the drama THAT is unfolding) was just unforgettable. They gave Bianca happiness at last. (If you have watched in the last few years, there has been the rape, people finding out she was keeping the baby, her thinking her baby died at birth, but her BFF had her and knew it, etc etc etc). So Bianca deserves this. Of course she does not know her fiance kissed her brother-in-law at the wedding rehearsal but here is hoping they give Binks some happiness for now. Eden Riegel only returns occasionally as Bianca, as she lives out West. So the last few months were a great treat for us fans to have her back not for a week or two as she has done before, but for the last few months. I will cry again when Eden leaves the show because I LOVE her portrayal of Bianca and the chemistry bewteen these two sisters is just...WOW. And with Alicia (Kendall) finally back from her coma (she got married inreal life and her on-screen hubby introduced them!! aww) of 3 months, and finding she has the heart of their brother in her chest, her friend Babe died in the tornado and her hubby is the donor of her sisters baby...yeah there is MUCH to be played out! Please Eden stay a long time!! Kendall is not her pre-coma self and is PISSED!! For the first time in years she can't look at her sister without RAGE!!

I am sorry I am babbling about what may just be a silly soap to some of you, but for me this is just wonderful story-telling and a mementous occasion in tv history! And what is cool is they travelled to CT, yup where I live, to be married legally! So that was a cool touch.This is the lovely Eden Riegel who plays Bianca. And has a hilarious web series called "Imaginary Bitches" that her husband writes! Hilarious!
And this is Alicia (Ah-LISH-Ah) Minshew who rocks as Kendall. And I pray she never leaves the show, she is so good, no one else (besides the first Kendall, Sarah Michelle Gellar) but Alicia could stand next to Susan Lucci (Erica Kane) and be believable as her daughter that is SO like her. She is a mini-Erica but so much more stylish and cool. Plus she can be nicer and concoct such fun shenanigans! LOL!
And here is a 2 minute video of Eden and Tamara (the fiance Reese) talking about this momentous occasion:

Monday, February 16, 2009

50 OF the Best...


I saw on another blog, someone put their Top 25 movies. But anyone who has read my blog more than once knows that is not a possibility for me. I have 100's of movies I adore, so there can be NO 25 favorites, even 100 favorites. So I compiled a list of 50 movies I own that are exceptional to me. I mean I love most of the movies I own, so these aren't just favorites, they rock for various reasons.

1) Alien starring Sigourney Weaver

2) Basic starring John Travolta, Samule L. Jackson

3) The Bone Collector starring Denzel Washington, Angelina Jolie

4) Cellular starring Kim Basinger, Chris Evans

5) Clue starring Tim Curry, Madeline Kahn

6) Deep Rising starring Treat Williams, Famke Jennsen

7) Déjà vu starring Denzel Washington

8) Deliver Us From Eva starring Gabrielle Union, LL Cool J

9) Disturbia starring Shia Labeouf, David Morse

10) Double Jeopardy starring Tommy Lee Jones, Ashley Judd

11) Eagle Eye starring Shia Labeouf, Michelle Monaghan

12) Eight-Legged Freaks starring David Arquete, Kari Wuhrer

13) Empire Records starring Liv Tyler, Anthony LaPaglia

14) Fallen starring Denzel Washington, John Goodman

15) Fantastic Four starring Jessica Alba, Chris Evans

16) Flatliners starring Julia Alberts, Kiefer Sutherland

17) Frequency starring Jim Caviezel, Dennis Quaid

18) The Frighteners starring Michael J. Fox, Chi McBride

19) Galaxy Quest starring Tim Allen, Sigourney Weaver

20) The Golden Compass starring Dakota Blue Richards, Freddie Highmore

21) The Goonies starring Sean Astin, Josh Brolin

22) Heart and Souls starring Robert Downey,Jr., Elizabeth Shue

23) High Crimes starring Morgan Freeman, Ashley Judd

24) How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days starring Kate Hudson, Matthew McConaughey

25) I, Robot starring Will Smith, Bridget Moynahan

26) John Q. starring Denzel Washington, Robert Duvall

27) Kiss the Girls starring Ashley Judd, Morgan Freeman

28) Lady In the Water starring Bryce Dallas Howard, Paul Giamatti

29) Lake Placid starring Bridget Fonda, Bill Pullman

30) The Matrix starring Keanu Reeves, Carrie-Ann Moss

31) Mindhunters starring LL Cool J, Jonny Lee Miller

32) The Mummy starring Brendan Frasier, Rachel Weisz

33) The Negotiator starring Samuel L. Jackson, Kevin Spacey

34) Panic Room starring Jodie Foster, Kristen Stewart

35) Practical Magic starring Sandra Bullock, Nicole Kidman

36) Princess Bride starring Robin Wright, Cary Elwes

37) The Saint starring Val Kilmer, Elizabeth Shue

38) Secondhand Lions Michael Caine, Robert Duvall

39) Signs starring Mel Gibson, Joaquin Phoenix

40) Sleepy Hollow starring Johnny Depp, Christina Ricci

41) Speed starring Keanu Reeves, Sandra Bullock

42) Stardust starring Hugh Dancy, Claire Danes

43) Sweet Home Alabama starring Reese Witherspoon, Josh Lucas

44) Talking to Heaven Ted Danson, Mary Steenburgen

45) That Old Feeling starring Bette Midler, Dennis Farina

46) Tombraider starring Angelina Jolie, Daniel Craig

47) Transformers Shia LaBeouf, Megan Fox

48) What Women Want starring Mel Gibson, Helen Hunt

49) What Lies Beneath starring Michelle Pfeiffer, Harrison Ford

50) X-Men starring Hugh Jackman, Patrick Stewart

Now if ANY body wants a synopsis of ANY of the movies I mentioned above, by ALL means ask and ye shall receive! I love writing about movies, and am thinking I might be pretty good at it. So if there is one you are unfamiliar with but are intrigued feel free to ask and I shall have fun writing a description of it! ♥

P.S. I re-did my Playlist, so enjoy the songs!

Sunday, February 15, 2009

Shuffling my Feet

Aggh it was a crappy day, major panic/anxiety attack SO to get away from THAT, yuck, I bring you the fun world of:

Five Random Ipod Songs (clickable links):I got this from reading Not the Rockerfellers by the way and it looked fun.


All My Loving - Jim Sturgess "Across the Universe" soundtrack

Cartoon Heroes - Aqua
Bad Day - Alvin & the Chipmunks soundtrack
I'll Never Tell - "Anya + Xander" Buffy the Vampire Slayer's musical episode
Magic Dance - David Bowie "Labyrinth" soundtrack

* If you are going to click on just ONE (please don't) click on the Buffy one, I think it is a hoot!!

Now I'm supposed to justify, defend or explain why these songs are on my Ipod. Okay I picked 2 that people may just go, hmm why do you like that song anyway? And three that people COULD make fun of but hey, it is MY Ipod, I shelled out the $300...sure my sister just get hers and it is twice mines size and cost her like half what I payed...I digress.

Song One, I will explain. I already love the early work of the Beatles and when I heard this guy sing All My Loving, I liked it even more. I like how it goes from slow to a real beat, and he has just a great voice. I listen to it over and over and still love it, that is a good sign.

Song Two, by Aqua. Okay first I will defend Aqua, I LIKED them, I thought they were fun so I have quite a few of their songs on my Ipod. Now I defend THIS song. I find it fun, super heroes or cartoon heroes that come and save us. I like superheroes, thus my love of the movies Iron Man and Fantastic Four and me loving the show Heroes. I thought the video was cool too, and thought it had such a good beat, that it could have had it's OWN dance!

Song Three, okay I admit it, I love Alvin, Simon and Theodore's version of Bad Day, more than the normal version. I LOVE the movie, it is so cute and when it started with this, I was just like "awwwww", and it IS sung well. It makes me smile, okay!!

Song Four, okay I will defend. I am a HUGE Buffy fan. I own all 7 seasons on dvd, I love everyone who was on that show! Anthony Stewart Head, Nicholas Brendon, Eliza Dushku, averyone. And let us not forget THE Sarah Michelle Gellar and David Boreanaz!! And so when they began advertising the musical episode I was surprised to see how GOOD it was! Sure I knew Anthony could sing (boy can he!) but everyone did a decent to stellar job! And the fun between "Xander" and "Anya" (a human and his ex-demon fiance) ws just so funny, and the lyrics were written with such a sense of humor. SO it rocks...so there!!

And song Five. In my family Labyrinth was always being played, we love dit! And all us girls had crushes on David Bowie...I know....weird. That hair and those pants, he was just cute! And this was always my favorite song in the movie. And I have no other David Bowie songs I like, don't even know the name of one, but this one has a good beat, and the video even shows him in his glorious Labyrinth glory!

Saturday, February 14, 2009

Happy VD, yes I Made this.,,

Yes it is officially that Hearts a Flutter Day known as Valentine's Day. The Day the Man invented to get you to shell out more money on cards and candy, just because he could. Do I like candy? Yes. Do I like the fuzzy pj pants my parents gave me that are white with hearts and rainbows on them? Why...yes. Still, as I have no real Valentine, unless you include Max, I CAN harp that the holiday is just silly. Even if it is a sweet holiday...in every way!LOL!

Anyway, I decided to share with you the VD card I designed for my Illustration class. Hand painted, even those tinyyyyyy letters. Please to "get my card" you HAVE to CLICK on the picture!! Please, do so now. I will wait.


You like? I like! Okay, just in case any of you are really having a ...bad night (see I was kind as it is Valentine's Day), this is what the "chinese" says if you look sideways. Die you freakin' jerk. Heehee! I love it! My sister Sam, when she was a senior in high school, asked if she could scan it and make copies for her friends, and she did! I thought that was awesome! LOL!

And I also decided, after I painted it, that the VD could also stand for Vinereal Disease. LOL! I mean it could work for either I think. I was inspired with the chinese saying part by searching for hours the web for an idea of what kind of card to do, so I can't take complete credit for that idea, but the rest, all mine. Including it being a VD card. I find it tasteful and honest. Refreshing if you will, LOL.

I was really proud of this, especially the shading on the inside (right hand half) of the card, that goes from completely black to completely red. I do love acrylics...too bad the brand I love is not so cheap. It is not BAD, I mean I have seen WAY worse...prices I mean. I like Liquitex (I think that's it) and Golden is not bad, but it starts to go up there in price. That is art classes though. My color class, where all we used were paints, brushes and paper supplies? Over $300 just for supplies, the class of course was way more. Maybe at that time it might have been 700 - 800 bucks, so a thousand at least for one class...but I LOVED it! I even took it again a few years later, luckily I had most of the supplies still, just needed more paints in certain colors. Sorry I may be rambling!!

Watched my Christmas copy of Prince Caspian (uh hello, Chronicles of Narnia) with the whole fam tonight, that never happens. And it just upset me again that Susan and Peter won't be in the next one, which they ARE making as we speak. If they made the last of the 7 books as the one after that, I would be happy. I know things now from a website that make me happier with how it all ends. And man, who knew people saw that much christianity in these books, I never thought of it until I saw it on wickipedia!!

My ABC soaps didn't tape today...*sniffle*....I can get GH online at ABC.com but not AMC or OLTL, and they looked SO good....it is cliffhanger FRIDAY!! *sobs* Okay I am trying to gain my composure back.

Friday, February 13, 2009

Our Attempt at Florida Living

Okay it is a long story but I think it is an interesting read none the less. So go on, read me!

I mentioned before that I have lived in Florida, sure only for 3 months, but I was officially living there. It had been something my parents had been thinking about for years, and they finally decided, let's really pray about it and see what answers we get. My mom felt not let a definite yes, but didn't feel a no either. According to my dad....now, he didn't have any positive feelings, but I don't remember him having negative ones and it was him that was so "let's move to Florida" for as long as I can remember. I remember thinking it could potentially be exciting, it kind of helped that I had just finished my first year in community college, so most of my friends were gone. Grandpa had died during that first year, and he was the last of my grandparents, so that excuse for not moving was gone.

I mean I wasn't thrilled at the thought of leaving my Aunt and Uncle behind. Of leaving my ward behind, I had grown up in THAT ward, all 20 years of my life had been in THAT building with the same beloved people, with my Nursery kids. The family we were best friends with, the people that were like family. So that part was not something to look forward to. For my sisters, it was a bigger change. Katie would have to spend her junior or senior year as the new kid. Sam would start high school with no friends. And the two of them had a really close-nit group of friends they loved. But Dad had to see if a job transfer was even possible, Mom had to find a nursing job if Dad got the okay. We'd have to find someplace to live. But before a new place to live, uhmmm we had to sell our house. And then Dad's transfer was okayed. So the house went up for sale. It was for sale for awhile. Life continued. Kat was a junior, and accepted the calling to be Youth Camp Director at Girl's Camp. Sam was in her last year at junior high. And then the house was sold. The girls got to finish up the current school year, by THIS much. Mom found a job in Orlando. We found an apartment complex. There was nothing left but goodbyes. Which were way harder than I knew they could be.

And on July 10th, 1998, we got in our 3 cars and made the drive to Orlando, Florida. We knew Orlando, so it made sense to start there. We had to live in a hotel for two weeks, our apartment wasn't ready yet. My Dad was there for those two weeks and to help us move into the apartment but then he had to leave. His transfer wasn't until the end of September so it was just going to be us women, for a few months. Before he left my Dad showed us how to get to the ward that was is our area. And then we were on our own. My Dad drove a car back and went to live with Auntie while he stayed up in CT.

This is outside our apartment complex. We were on the bottom floor around the back. It had three bedrooms, 2 were tiny, so the girls and I had to minimalize everything. So most of our stuff and furniture from our entire house was in a storage unit. I had my own room ( I am the oldest) and the girls shared this room that had doors on 2 walls so they could barely squeeze 2 beds in there. The master was a nice size at least and we squeezed 3 of our couches into the TV room/living room. I took the love seat and put it in my room. My bed, the love seat and a dresser, that was my furniture. And my window was the big window right next to the front door, so whenever the blinds were open...hello world, that was a bit scary. Oh look I found a floorplan and added the way it was for us:The sidewalk went right up to the front door and BAM, there was my window which took up half that wall, so everyone could see everything in my room. LOL. Akward, LOL. So us women folk settled into, and at first it was fun. It was like when we were there on vacation, except we were discovering new haunts. We discovered and fell in love with Einstein Bagels, we were always there. We found a Jamba Juice, a Burrito Stand, new things to try. The Library ended up being a minute from us, but man was it small and had no selection. We found a Blockbuster in the square down the street, plus a grocery store we used even if a bit pricey, Albertson's. (Publix's are so much better) And we found the girl's school, Dr. Philips' High School, which was whoa. So ginormous. It was 5 times bigger than the community college I went to in CT. It had acres and acres AND acres of land. And different buildings! Open cafeteria's...I was happy I wasn't going there. And the one cool thing, it was directly across the street from Universal Studios! You coud see the roller coaster tracks and everything! You drop off your kid and he doesn't "attend" classes, guess where he is! Duh! This is real: Where do I go to check my child out of school early?

North Campus Building 19 room 902
South Campus Administration Building room 116....Building 19 people!!

We experienced our first scary storm, trees down and hale that was BIG. And of course we were OUT so we had to try and get home in it. I did a lot of the driving, a lot of it was familiar though because we went back to Kissimmeea lot. It has familiar places to go. Old Town, etc.

Church was the first thing that scared me. We went and I felt...lost. I had never been that uncomfortable at one of our churches before. The Bishop never even said hello to me. I know I was in an even more awkward place than my Mom or sisters. The girls had YW and mutual to make friends. My Mom did the Releif Society thing, I did not. I didn't feel comfortable with the women, because I was so young. My Mom stayed with me for some other class in the chapel (she and the girls had been to church the week before, when I was sick) and it was just so...not okay. And I didn't go back. My Dad would call and try to reassure that once we lived in a REAL town. not Orlando where people are using it to transition into regular cities and towns, he was sure the church would feel normal again. I was less certain. I mean we were eventually assigned some home teachers, who checked on us a few times and ILIKED them. They seemed so normal and down-to-earth, and not all holier than thou rich. Most of the ward was very wealthy. Of course I found out why they seemes so normal to me....they were both originally from the East Coast. They understood that the ward didn't feel the same as back home. The girls made a few friends but it was weird for them too. Everyone WAS wealthy so when we dropped them off at a mutual at the YW president's house, our jaws dropped and the girls looked kind of lost. So it ended up, while there was these 2 girls my sisters liked, they didn't like church here either. Or my mom. I was worried that this was going to make me a non-member, that is how scary it was for me.

And we went and registered the girls for school. Sam was no problem, but Katie the senior was. Katie took advanced classes in CT, but they decided that some of her CT classes probably would not count here...even though CT school standards are some of the highest in the country and Florida is wayyyyy down on the list. Then they informed us that she might have to do her senior year TWICE. Yeah this was far from okay with any of us. But until they decided, there was nothing we could do. And Katie was oh so graciously allowed to drive them, but since she was not there last year she would not get a special space with her name painted on it (yes I am serious, this was also a rich high school.). The girls left for CT to attend YW Camp. My Mom and I cried when they left, it was just the two of us, and we were a bit jealous they got to go HOME and see friends and people we loved. I think it made it harder on them. It was really hard on Katie, she was a trouper though, she even stopped an adult sister from quitting. This sister has been grateful since, because she said if Katie had not said what she did, she would never have returned, and this woman (some CT bloggers know Kim for real) has since been Camp Director numerous times and rocked at it! They got to see Dad too which was good and bad. Hard to say goodbye again.

So real life started. My Mom went with me to the community college in our area and dang. It was even bigger than the high school, and had multiple campuses. Classes started in like a week so the classes I wanted, that were AT this main campus that I knew HOW to get to? All taken. I ended up with classes that were at these non-school buildings a half hour away, and I had to use the Florida Turnpike, with all it's tolls and no exits for miles and miles. And I sat there and I am shy so first days of classes? Never easy. When I started Tunxis? Scared. But I had never felt like I did on this day. So lost in every way imaginable. In my head, where I was, how I would do this. Where would I GET art supplies? The teachers didn't know anyone's names and didn't really offer anything of themselves. But I went to all the classes I had that day. But when I got home I told Mom my fears.

Meanwhile, the girls had started school. When they got home things did not look good. Sam was done. She refused to go back. She said "homeschool me, anything, but I am not going back", and she is the laid back one. Katie hated it too, but said she would go and try again. Apparently no matter how fast they both ran to FIND where their classes or even the buildings were, they didn't have time always to get there. They luckily shared a lunch period and sat together, alone, until they were forced apart by the next period. Kat, brave as she was, you could see how unhappy she was. Katie went back for a second day.

Meanwhile (yeah I kow), my Mom started work. She made it through, said it was fine. But Sunday morning I awoke to hear crying. Crying that made you want to cry upon hearing it. I made my way across the apartment and found the girls inside my Mom's room, in bed with her, as my Mom cried. She hated the job, she felt lost there, they expected her to know things she had told them before we moved she did not know. My Mom is not a computer person, she has made this clear, and apparently everything was computerized in this facility. She said everyone was just very unwelcoming. She hated it and didn't want to go back. She felt out of control and hated it here. And this kind of opened up the floodgates. We all hated it. We didn't like what it felt like here, how church felt, how the people acted...everything. My Mom has depression too and she said she was back down in the pit of despair. In more her kind of terms. So what could we do? We called Dad. He was not happy to hear these things, he had less than a month before his transfer, he thought it would all be better once he got there. But my Mom was on the phone and he said he was flying down to see us. We went to the airport and the reunion between all of us was just...indescribable. He stayed the weekend. And we first had a family talk and then he wanted to talk with Mom on their own, and then each of us with them on our own. I know I expressed that I was scared I would not be part of the church anymore. I know I said I did not think I could do this school, at least that semester, one campus is where your classes should be, not 7 all over Florida. I told him I was not happy or uncomfortable and I wanted to go home. But apparently what made Dad really think that we were not meant to be here, was Katie. My Dad said when Katie went in there the words that poured out of her mouth were like that of a mini-prophet. And when he followed her out and asked her if she could repeat the words she had spoken to them, she couldn't. I know, freaky right?
And the parents talked alone again, and Dad came out with Mom and they said we were moving back to CT. The weights felt like they were falling off my shoulders and we cried and we hugged and just were there for eachother. Dad started making arrangements immediately. High School was starting in less than 2 weeks up in CT and Dad did not want them missing ANY school, so since he was staying with Auntie, but school was in our hometown, our BFF family from church agreed to let them live with them until we settled somewhere. We decided Mom and I would stay in Florida, pack everything back up, get the movers, etc. Dad and Mom went to the apartment complex and they were actually pretty nice about it, and they did not have to be. Dad told Mom to quit her job and for me to get back as much tuition as I could (all of it since only 1 day of college had happened). And Dad took the girls with him when he flew back to CT. Hoping his job would be understanding. And when they took off, oh man did Mom and I cry. Our family had just left to go back HOME and we were still here.

My Mom felt..not good. And together, we went and started the process of her getting better. A place where she could be put back on meds, etc. And we did it together. Experiencing it for myself is one thing. Seeing it happen to my Mom? Very different and I feel so fiercely protective, that it helped me to help her. And we started the tedious process of re-packing everything. But things started to feel brighter. We started to laugh as we packed and watched Jaws marathons. Went to Epcot, watched movies at the AMC 24. We started to look forward to going home. The girls were doing good, Dad drove and saw them a few times a week. Auntie offered use of 2 of her rooms for us when we got back to CT. And then September 15th arrived and we directed the movers as they took our apt. boxes and followed us to the storage place and got the majority of our worldy possessions. We stayed the night in a hotel and began the very LONG drive home. We took two days to do it, thank goodness. Because afte Day One we learned something very important. See, I began falling asleep as I drove, bad since I was in one car and Mom in the other. This had never happened before, I can no longer drive long distances. So first we got me a BIG pepsi...yeah wasn't really working. So Mom thought maybe I should try No-Doz, so we stopped and I took some. And it woke me up, it sure did....only I was jittering about like a motor. And it didn't stop even hours later when we got to the hotel. It was scaring the crap out of me, it just got worse and worse, and I couldn't even eat I felt nauseous from the physical jumping of my whole body. Yeah, there is now a family rule...Wendy is not allowed to have No-Doz. And I didn't even make the rule, my Mom won't allow it.

Dad met us in New Jersey so we could follow him home. It was so good to see family. We got to our hometown around 7 at night to pick up the girls. It was such a reunion, so much hugging. Between our family, with Brother and Sister H. And Weezie and the rest. Everything was familiar but it felt odd too. We made the 45 minute drive to Auntie's and the reunion with her and Uncle John was so good. Alex and Liz were asleep by this time. Auntie put Mom and Dad in Liz's room (Liz was 7 and they put her on a cot in their room) and the three of us girls in the spare room. Auntie had set up camping sleep pads, etc for all of us to sleep on for a few nights until our moving truck dropped off our stuff at a storage unit. Dad then brought over our beds. And we lived there for 3 months. The girls had to get up really early to get to their high school, so we put up sheets across the room, so I could read or watch tv with a headphone and they could still sleep. It was fun to share a room with both my sisters. Well, mostly. And we picked a house that was half built, so as soon as they finished and we picked out some final details our house would be ready.

And church felt really weird at first. Like we belonged but didn't belong. Awkward at first, like a dream, or a different reality. That went away after a few weeks, and man you don't appreciate what you have until it is gone. These people are what members feel like. This is a ward where the Bishop who had held me when I was in diapers, but every Sunday he still said hello and shook my hand. This is a ward where after sacrament service is over the laughter of children fills the halls as they run to their classrooms. And before they head off to R.S., the women talk in the foyer and catch up. We were home.

Since this all happened, my parents, especially my father, decided this was supposed to have happened to us. (He still insists he said we shouldn't move...yeah*rolls eyes*) That this was a test. We were supposed to experience the things we did, and we did experience a lot of new things. And we realized what we had, what we had taken for granted. We got a chance to become closer to family. This was all supposed to happen exactly as it did. My Dad got a new job, great timing was on our side. My Mom got her old job back when she was ready and they were so happy to have her back. It was a really long drive for her for awhile too! I went to our hometown as much as possible even if just to rent videos, it felt good to be back. And I was able to help with homework of the little cousins, etc. So things were meant to happen like they did. They were very hard and we experienced pain, and being so scared and alone, etc. But it was a test we were supposed to have. And it made us a stronger family.

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

I Love You to the Moon and Back

I saw this writing prompt on Mama Kat's blog and I knew who I envisioned as the person immediately.

Describe someone in your life you wish you saw more of.

Without a doubt that would be my Aunt Maureen. She is my Dad's older sister. She was a teenager when my father was born, so she helped raise him, which I think has resulted in a very close relationship between them. She takes no "sass" from my Dad which is so entertaining to watch, she is basically the only person alive who can can get him to the point where he gets all meek and says "yes ma'am". Which makes her an amazing woman to me.

Obviously that would not be the only reason why I wish I saw more of her. My aunt or "Auntie" as we call her in my family, is just an amazing woman full of love. She was the fiery redhead (naturally too!) that I have always been envious of. I even inherited her skin, I freckle like crazy in the sun and burn like a lobster, there is no in between for either of us, no tan in there anywhere. She is so warm-hearted, I can always count on at least 2 great hugs when I see her. And it is like being enveloped in love. Because she radiates it, and lets you know it too. She makes you look deep into her eyes, no looking away, and tells you how much she loves you. Which is just an amazing quality, and makes you feel so good.

Not that it was always like this. When I was really little, I remember finding Auntie a bit intimidating and strict. She was a different person then, personally I think she was not herself, she was trying to live up to the town she lived in, a richy town in CT. When she and Uncle John moved their family out to the farm, Auntie began to loosen up, and in my opinion, be the person my Dad talked about all the time. Not that I can really remember that much, but what I do know is, the hugs started happening more and more, and the way I felt around her got more and more comfortable, until she was just MY Auntie.

She also reminds me so much of my grandmother, I have told her, Grandma seems just a little bit closer when I am around her. My Grandma's Australian accent was much more pronounced then Auntie's, but my Aunt does still have that voice that reminds me of my Grandma. Auntie and my Uncle Garry were both born in Australia, and lived there for the first few years at least of their lives. Technically, they are the biological children of a man I do not like, my Grandma's first husband. Obviously I am influenced by the fact that I LOVED my Grandpa, but their bio-father was not good to Grandma. My Grandpa met her during the war, and he brought her and Garry and Maureen back to the states and adopted them both. Auntie, to my utter delight and love, has explained to me, while this other man may biologically be her father, my Grampa was her DAD. Which just makes me love her more. There has NEVER been a feeling that she is only half my Aunt, never been a word that sounded like that was how she saw or felt it. I am her niece and she is MY Aunt, 100%, no doubt about it. Some of her mannerisms remind me of Grandma, the things she cooks remind me of Grandma. It is like, when Auntie is giving me a hug, my Grandma is looking over us, smiling. And that is just a wonderfully, comforting thought.

When we moved to Florida 10 years ago, for about 3 months I was there, we were miserable (another post for that story) so we had a family talk and moved back to CT. Well we had sold our house, and needed to find a new one, but it wasn't going to happen like BAM, we have a house all ready to move into. We were welcomed into the home of my Auntie and Uncle John (the craziest, lovable man you could have for an uncle, LOL). We lived there from September until mid-December when the house we had chosen was finished being built. I treasure that time we had at my Aunt's (now non-working) farm. We got even closer to one another, sitting down to dinner every night. Watching tv shows together. My sisters had to get up in the wee hours of the morning in order to drive the 45 minutes to their high school (SHS baby, it is where Kate went before the move and where we would be living again, so naturally they went there) and my Aunt, well she naturally gets up that early, so they had breakfast together, just the three of them in the mornings. We just became an even closer family through that time, and I have said ever since I do not want to LOSE that.

So, my Aunt living a 45 minute drive away, it has reverted to seeing them on major holidays and such, which is just not good enough for me. I really loved it when for about 2 summers there, we were the ones who talked my Aunt into being a cook at Young Women's Girl's camp. That was a week where I saw my Aunt everyday, and was with her as soon as we got there (I do not camp anymore) in the morning, cooking along side her until we left around 8 at night for the drive home. Then, since it was no longer our stake we got kicked out. Boo. And then this year my Aunt was called to be the head cook at Girl's Camp, and a bunch of her cooks fell through, or went home early, and she sent out the "bat signal" and my Dad, sisters and I responded. That first day we went up, it was just me and Dad. And I could see, as someone who knows my Aunt well now, she was stressed out. And so happy to see us. I may have mentioned this hug before. She held on so tight for like 4 minutes straight, and I could feel the tears that wanted to come out, but she is such a brave woman, not wanting other people to see how stressed out she was. I will never forget that hug, ever. I felt like I was where I was supposed to be, and that this time, I could be there for my aunt, instead of it being her who was there for me. And my Dad and I both knew we needed to get her alone, and she was finally able to cry, really cry, which is not something I have seen much of, not that kind of crying. She was overwhelmed by everyone else's feelings, and so we stood there the three of us, alone in the woods, hugging. And my Dad told her, taking no balking from her, he was giving her a blessing. And my Aunt told him, please can we do it now. And so we did, the three of us, and I could see some of the weight leave my Aunt's shoulders, as the blessing was given.

I was so emotional and upset on my Aunt's behalf that I needed to let off some steam so I called my sister's. And once they heard all the details (no I did not go into them this time) and the extent to how upset my Aunt was, well they drove up ( over an hour to get to the camp in Mass.) in time to help get dinner ready, and she was so happy to see them, she held them so close too. How could anyone not love a woman like this, so full of love, hardly ever asks for anything for herself, puts everyone else before her. And she deserves to be spoiled rotten and loved to the moon and back. And that is how much I love her.

So these holidays are not cutting it for me. It isn't good enough anymore. I want to see Auntie as much as possible, I would take a once-a-month get together in a heartbeat, because I love just sitting around with her, talking about whatever it may be. Even if it is about Uncle John cutting the tip of his finger off and refusing to go to the doctor until his finger has turned black...yes I am serious. I told you, my crazy lovable Uncle John. So the person I want to see more of, is MY Aunt Maureen. The best Aunt a girl could ask for.

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Tribute, Rodanthe and Me

First, I want to thank Cajoh who wrote a Tuesday Tribute, which I am a part of, you can read the post here. Quite a few of my blog friends are also mentioned and I think it is great to see their answers to Cajoh's questions, and why this blogger is tributing them...if that is a word, LOL!! So thank you Cajoh, that is so nice!! And I SO appreciate the comparison to Siskel and Ebert!! :)

Actually, LOL, I watched a movie tonight I had never seen before. I watched "Nights in Rodanthe" starring Richard Gere and Diane Lane. Okay, I would definitely say this is a chick flick....you guys who watch them too, GO YOU! It made me laugh, go awwww, cry, etc. And it is a romance also, thus it is totally a chick flick.

Adrian (Lane) has been seperated from her husband for 7 months. He cheated and she has been trying to get herself over this horrible bump in the road, while taking care of their two children, including a teen daughter who seems to loathe her. While her kids are with Dad, she is going to Inn-sit for her BFF in Rodanthe. Before cheater leaves, he tells Adrian he wants them to get back together, which is just a bit too much for her to talk about right THEN, so she says they will talk when he gets back, she needs time to think. She heads to the Inn, where she will have all of one client while BFF is gone. BFF hates the cheater, pleads with Adrian not to take him back. ( I personally agree)

Paul (Gere) is a doctor, who seems just plain lost. He seems sad and angry and lonely. He is the one client at the inn. He seems to be there not to enjoy the gorgeous scenery or anything about the town, there is something dark weighing him down. He doesn't even appreciate the inn, and people I WANT to live in that Inn!! It is unbelievably amazing, all the nuances and decks, all on a pristine beach. Adrian tries to treat him as a normal guest but he doesn't want to be that alone, so he joins her for dinner in the kitchen. And things are revealed, her husband wandering and now wanting back into their life, he having a son who barely knows him. And that he is a doctor and something bad happened, you see through his flashbacks.

As the movie progresses you see that they are both lost, in some way, and they begin to be honest with the other, painstakingly so. And through some snooping on Adrians' part, you find out what Paul is in Rodanthe for, and why he is being such a....jerk about it. Why he feels he can't do what needs to be done. Why he is scared. You see why Adrian is so uncertain about taking her husband back, when he tells his children about wanting to get back together with their Mom and that Mom hasn't jumped at the chance (not that they even know WHY their parents seperated) which makes her the bad guy. She wants her kids to be happy...does she have to sacrifice what she had dreamt of for their happiness? When she first met her husband, she was an artist, she worked with wood, but because of how her life went, the art was put away, her dreams put away. Why? Does it have to be like this?

So a connection is made as they deal with what they are going through and the storm that begins to rage around them. The extent of their connection? No, I am not going to ruin it! Does Adrian take her husband back? Can Paul find peace and forge a relationship with his son, a doctor working in Ecquador? Can either of them find the happiness they so obviously need and crave? Will their happiness be together or apart, in seperate lives? And what about the twist you are not expecting? How will it impact one or both of them? And their children...can they be happy with their parents decisions, and can they be close again?

Grab your tissues ladies and watch this movie. Diane Lane is an actress I love, and she and Gere both deliver in this movie. What I like about Diane Lane is she lets the audience FEEL what she is feeling. She is not just showing you what her character feels, but letting you inside the characters' heart and soul. I mean, you people HAVE seen Under The Tuscan Sun right?!! Amazing, that is a MUST SEE if you have not seen it, kiddies.

Today is a low day. It is just one of those days where you are in the dumps, and your mind will not shut up. A thousand things you don't want to think about are swirling around your brain, making you miserable. I am TRYING to use the imagery my Mom gave me. Play "Whack-A-Mole" in my head. Each time a thought pops up, slam the crap out of it like those bloody moles, pushing it out of my head. Is it not totally working, not always, but sometimes I see the image of taking that big soft hammer thing and slamming down on a thought, making it go away, and it is nice. Thus, I give you all the Whack A Mole technique invented by MY Momma. Feel free to use it. Seriously, this is the one thing I was really good at in therapy. Visual techniques. I still use them obviously, from this whole paragraph. LOL.

Ohhh it is 12:17am, Happy Wednesday people!

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