Introspective...

Today was just a day. Another day, that falls right after the one before. Nothing special happened. Nothing good happened. Nothing bad. Just a day much like any other. Like all the days that seem to be falling one after the other, like dominoes before they fall. Nothing changes. It just is the same as the one before and will be the same as the one to come.

I am not one who likes changes. I oppose change, I fight it. I like things to stay the same, to be comfortable, to be something to rely on. I like the feeling of leaving something and then returning to it later, and it is exactly as I left it. I like this sense of consistency.

However, in some regards change is what I long for. There are certain areas where I beg and pray for change. I want change inside of me. Sure, there are things on the outside of me and around me, I would like to be different. But just to feel different inside my brain, my heart, my soul, oh how welcome that would be. I am quite used to the feelings of desperation, agony, pain, hurt, fear and so much more that has set up residency in my brain since I was 18 years old. 18...that was so long ago, and just when life should have really begun for me. Instead it was when my mind became a steel cage, trapping me inside it, burrowing it's way into every aspect of my life.

I try to remember what I was like before. Before medications began, before therapy sessions, before I needed a doctor for anything more than a cold or a tooth cleaning. And I can't remember. I try to think, what WAS I like before this all began, and I can't recall who I was. I know I have always been shy, always looking for true friends, always feeling not quite good enough...but what was I like? Was I silly? Was I a giggler? Was I laid back or nonchalant? Did I like to be alone? Was I energetic? Was I an optimist? Did I crack jokes? How did I used to think? Did I ponder or was I impulsive? I can't remember, not any of it. It was so long ago, almost a lifetime it seems. Who was I before? Was this who I was meant to become? Or did I do something to mess it all up?

It is like I truly am a crab (which is my Zodiac sign) in the way I rush up to the edge of the sand near the ocean, but when the water starts to rush back in, I run and hide from it. I want to experience that new sensation but I am afraid of what will happen. So I hide in my shell like a hermit crab, hiding from the world. A random interjection I know. But it popped in my head. I can BE quite random.

The days run into each other, nothing changing anymore. Nothing improving. Things can't get much worse, because I feel I have hit rock bottom. When you actively search for medications and more knowledge on some disability you have, that you will never be rid of either I found out, that is usually a good indication that you have accepted your fate.

So the days are the same, no change in sight. I don't know if I wouldn't run from it, if change presented itself. I am the perpetual crab.

Who was I? Do you think I messed up the plan that was meant for me? What if this was never supposed to happen? What if one single act I committed, that I am not even aware of I hope, altered the course of my life? What if I was meant for so much more? And does that mean I have failed? And who have I failed? Me, or God? Does God consider me a failure, or was this, all of this, my fate before I was even born? Did I actually agree to experience this? Why would I? I feel I can not handle this life, so would I have truly agreed to it up in Heaven? We were at the front lines of the war in Heaven, that is what I was taught, why we were chosen to live NOW. Was I such a soldier that I felt I could defeat this? So many questions, and no answers in sight. Should you really be wanting the Second Coming to happen, just so you can have some sense of closure? These are things I say to myself, question myself.

What do you think? How do you feel your life was dealt, and do you think you agreed to shoulder certain burdens? I know that my religion says we were not given anything that we couldn't handle, but do you all think that is 100% true? And how do you think these decisions were decided upon? Why did Joe S. get cancer? Why did Sue L. have a child with Autism? Why was Evelyn T. given schizophrenia? Were they someone special in Heaven? Did they volunteer? Did I step up and agree to my burdens because I could handle them, in the long run? If you have no answers, I suppose I understand. Maybe this is all just too introspective. But the words seemed to flow from my fingertips and just "happened". I am not asking you to feel bad for me or tell me to feel better. I honestly ponder this all. A lot. And I guess your true thoughts would be interesting to see.

Friday Fragments

*The freaky weather has changed once more dramatically. Last night I was in a tee and capri pj pants. Today I am in pj pants, a tee and a sweater hoodie. Socks too of course because it is CHILLY. Two days ago it was in the 70's at night, tonight it is about 40. This is giving everyone headaches (me migraines) and screwing with their allergies. PICK a season, weather!! It is April so it is supposed to be cool still! I am SO not ready for SUMMER yet at all! Yuck!

*Man. My OCD lets me go way overboard. I decided to search for gothic/victorian key pendants online, rather than go all over creation and not finding anything. So I was not happy at first. There were thousands of key necklaces, do NOT get me wrong. They just happen to be freaking expensive!! We are talking for the most part $28 to $1,300!! Seriously! So when I found some that were "okay" or that I did like, I went a wee bit overboard. Yeah, I spent $75 on EIGHT necklaces/pendants (not all come with a chain!). I bought ONE from Ebay, a BUY NOW one. Plain but cute. And I ended up placing the 1st bids on 3 other Ebay ones. I went on my way. I ordered 2 from Torrid. One has multiple keys, so that one necklace could actually become 4 if I want it too. OY! And then I happened on this site that had really reasonable pewter ones, and they had this awesome fleur-de-lis one, and this leafy one called "Queen's Key". Since I had the first and lowest bid on those Ebay ones and they had 10-19 hours LEFT, I assumed I would be outbid and not have to worry about those as I had 5 now, but potentially through my craftiness, it could be 8. Yeah...I WON those Ebay ones! I could NOT believe it!! I will post pictures of them maybe tomorrow. I can't wait for them to arrive. Oy this idea of being a Keeper of the Keys, the cool Chatelaine.

*I LOATHE Brownies. No, NOT the yummy chocolatey goodness bars, but the little girls. My Mom and I went to eat at Bertucci's Friday night around 6:30pm. They couldn't accomadate that many kids and their Moms so they split them up, and WHERE did they place us? Right in the middle of them. Shrieking, giggly girls, LOUD mothers, constant running by our table as they stole more and more and MORE toothpicks to stuff for some insane reason in the dough they give kids to play with. We couldn't even TALK, because we would have had to shout over them. It was like being in a Red Robins!! Except this is a REAL restaurant! If you want to let your kids run wild and be loud and crap, go to the places where "a kid can be a kid"!! Friendly's or IHOP or whatever. Red Robin's!! You KNOW you can't hold a conversation in that place! But this is supposed to be a nice Italian place, so talking should be doable! Freaking headache inducing Brownies!! And yes, they did give my Mom a headache, so it is a fact, Jack!

*We went and saw Date Night after dinner. It was so fun!! I was worried it would feel like a skit. I liked Baby Mama, but it felt like one long Amy/Tina skit. This movie, however, FELT like a movie. Tina Fey and Steve Carrel have such great chemistry!! They are totally believable as a married couple who tries to spice up their dull date night by taking someone else's reservations. And then all HELL breaks loose. Dirty cops and mobsters are after them and they have no idea how to get anyone to believe they are not these "Tripplehorns". Hilarity ensues as they must fight together, to get their lives back, to get HOME. So they need to rely on one another fully and this makes them realize all over again, why they married each other. You will not be bored for one second. This duo lights the screen up, and the supporting cast is great. You got people from William Fitchner to James Franco to Ray Liotta. This is one hilarious movie that needs to be seen!

*Like I didn't spend enough money last night, we stopped by Kohl's as we had time before the movie started. You all should know by now, I have a LONG standing obsession with THIN, SOFT, graphic t-shirts. And for once, Kohl's had them! They always have graphic shirts, but they had soft and thin ones!! It was SO hard to only walk away with TWO!! And they were on sale!! *weeps* But I am supposed to be saving for Florida in May so I had to stop at 2! And I also found a turquoise and silver ring I fell in love with and it was 60% off! I am wearing it right now, it needs to be worn to feel like part of my ring family! And then my Mom did the sweetest thing, she paid for everything including her two plain shirts she wanted for Florida! My Mom is the sweetest!

*I have an appt. with my psychiatrist in May. I have the fax number for the endocronologist, he wants my medical records sent to him before he will see me. Katie is going to try and bring some info home on Bipolar Type II for me. My Mom is going to talk to a sister at church who works in a psych facility about what meds she feels work well, and an APRN at work too. My Mom also is going to ask them to recommend a book they feel is best so we can understand this illness of mine better. It is different in a LOT of ways from Type I Bipolar. We looked at some meds but I do NOT want to be on those. One is Seroquel, they have tv commercials. It makes you gain weight and is not good for Diabetes!! Hello! NO! So I am feeling a bit discouraged because the meds we did look at are all scary side effects. I want one that has less scary side effects. My Mom wants more info on Lithium, she as an RN, knows about stuff, and found a huge article that talked about how great it does with the Manic episodes, but it is the Depressive episodes that type II has more of, so I want to know about THAT. So we did some work today. Did you know that while Type I has constant ups and down, mania then depression, over and over, Type II you get like 35 bad depressive episodes and one manic one, and that cycle repeats. I have got to say I would not mind feeling this euphoric feeling Type I's get with Mania. It sounds happy and even if it is a false sense of happiness, it still sounds GOOD. Once in awhile anyway.

Friday Fragments

*This weather here in CT just SUCKS. I know we were trying to get Obama to visit CT today so that he declared CT a disaster or whatever, the way he has for Mass and...Maine? I can't remember, but the flooding has been SO bad for some people, lots of destruction and we are hoping to get some aid in fixing things. That was what the news said this morning anyway.

Anway, it is odd weather too. It finally stopped raining (finally!!) and is sorta warmer but then has cold blasts but is supposedly going to be in the 80's tomorrow (what the frick?!!)! This is

CT...in April, we don't get the 80's here. And it sure doesn't seem like it could get that high, it is really nice and cool tonight. But the weather is changing so fast, I have had an almost migraine for over a week. It is really hard to deal with on top if everything else!

*Needful Things is the MOST boring Stephen King movie ever! Well that one with Jimmy Smits and digging up the "ship" was awful too, but this was just as bad. I had to fast forward to the last 15 minutes and that was a snore too. And I highly doubt the actual book was. We are talkin

g about Stephen King here, the man is GOOD. I like him for some reason, even if I have only read a handful of his books, I have seen many movies based on his work and tend to agree with his reviews of them. He hated what they did to The Shining and after seeing the version he approved of, with Steven Webber, I am wowed! That is SO not the same movie at all! The Shining actually makes sense and they explain things far better! I just like the man, and h

e has been through a lot, he was never going to write again after that horrible accident in 2002. He was in so much pain, but then he couldn't stop himself he needed to get the thoughts in his highly imaginative brain OUT. So even though it was painful to write, he has continued, and is back at it to this day. Lisey's Story which I think my Mom really liked, happened, when King'

s wife cleared his writing study out, because he was giving up writing. Seeing it empty made Lisey be born. I just appreciate him, I guess. He is oddly fascinating.

*I bought Sherlcok Holmes this week, but since Sam and Kat never saw it I have kept it. Kate will probably have to watch it on her won though, as she has agreed to dance for Nadim tomorrow!! After what happened LAST Saturday, I can't believe it! I have nicknamed him Nadim the Demon, it sounds like it could be his name if you moved some letters around. *shrugs* I don't care if you believe me...P.I.T.A.!! LOL! Look I used it!!!

*Sam is doing better with the pain. She is able to hold Max if you pick him up for her, so that makes her very happy. She misses sleeping with him but can't risk him jumping on her.

*I am so looking forward to seeing Kiefer DIE on General Hospital... I am so evil, heehee! But he IS a scumbag and beats Kristina AGAIN! Good story!!

*24 is ending!! Hahaha! Sorry, but I have never been interested and even my Dad, the DEVOUT Jack Bauer fan, said this season is BORING. But I am SO happy to report Supernatural is SO definitely having a Season 6 AND they are almost at their 100th episode!! Boo-yah!! And on Bones next Thursday, THEY are having their 100th episode, which David Boreanaz is directing! And we get to see how Bones and Booth met, and that means the characters as they were 5 years ago, which means...what you can't guess fellow fans?!! A ZACK is back episode!! I miss Eic Millegan, even though I do enjoy the rotating interns, Zack is mucho missed!

*My glasses...oh my freaking new glasses. Yeah I went and got the new lenses in the other material, because they were still blurry after trying them for 5 days. So it was my 5th return to Sears in the last MONTH, which is a 20 to 25 minute drive away, so it IS a pain in the neck to go over there. And I get home and they are feeling a little better if I stare at one thing without moving my eyeballs a bit, but if I do, BLUR! This is so not right. AND I was looking at them and one of the lenses is in crooked! I wait 30 minutes for them to put the lenses in and they gi

ve them to me crooked. The optician should have FELT that and SEEN that! My parents are sick of this, not as sick and stressed about it as I am, but almost. They want me to just get a refund and then go somewhere else. AND get a new eye exam. We do not like the fact that I feel I need a barely slightly STRONGER script and the Sears guy said I needed weaker ones and that I

LOST the astigmatism in one eye. So we are not trusting the RX either. It is just SO frustrating, all I want is to be able to SEE correctly. And now Florida is in less than a month and a half, and I wanted good eye vision for the trip, so AGGHHH!

S.S.D.D....and HOW

Yeah I wouldn't actually SAY that acronym, just because I don't even cuss but I still LOVE this acronym. Basically it is Same..."Stuff", Different Day. LOL! I get it from watching Stephen King's Dreamcatcher, which I just finished. It is an odd little movie, way too much swearing and the toilet scene...well it grosses the "S" out of me. But I LOVE the Memory Storage aspect so much, for some odd reason, I adore this "room" that Jonesie has created IN his head for all of his memories, and that we get to see it. JUST ADORE IT. And I also love Duddits. He is the sweetest angel and the love these 4 men have for their friend, who is so very special, is just touching. And I can't help but need to see it every once in awhile. I DO like Stephen King and more lately his movies, this one is a little weird at some parts, but I still like it in some ways. And in THOSE ways, I like it alot.

Anyway that S.S.D.D. just speaks VOLUMES to me. I think it may stick this time and I may think of this acronym often. It just is a way for THESE 4 guys to get through their lives, and you know what, same applies to me. It is appropo and if you look down on me for feeling this is a pretty kosher life anthem for me as of late , then so be it. It applies, I am sorry. Speaking of acronyms I also LOVE P.I.T.A., and you know what, since I can't bring myself to even cuss, maybe I will get some "balls" and start using it. I have wanted to since the first time I saw it used, Pain in the A....you catch my drift. And maybe I will finally be brave and USE it, instead of it just being something I THINK of saying.

Speaking of another acronym...T.M.I. So you may wanna stop reading here, but it was just the worst thing ever and I share too much, what can I say? I was doing my errands, none of which I will gloss on so I can get this TMI over with. I am feeling FINE. I get in my car, to go home, all happy because it is over with and not bad timing either. I get on the highway, and suddenly, while Amy Lee is soulfully singing My Immortal, I start to get these horrible cramps and sharp stabbing pains. They are SO severe I feel like I am going to actually throw up. That is how painful they were. But you see, I was somewhere I am SO not familiar with. SO I keep thinking, I just need to make it to Exit 68W and I will at least be on 691 and I know some of those exits. But the pain was so bad I was panting and began talking out loud, going "Please, please...just let me get a little farther, then I will get off the highway"! I finally make it to 691 and I know I am in trouble. I need a bathroom ASAP. I told you it was a TMI tale, so stop reading then you wimps!

I was actually scared something HORRID would happen, it was so bad the pain, I was practically in tears. I got off at 8, because I thought I knew there was stuff in that area and the sign DID SAY Food, Gas, etc. So I am thinking there will be a McD's or some place like it. And that everything would be okay if I could just breathe through the cramping pain. So I was wrong to take that exit, oh boy yeah. I turned right as nothing looked familiar but likes were in that direction. The cramping was getting so bad, my lips started to tingle. I drive...and drive...and drive. Passing LOADS of car dealerships and scary little hotels, the kind Norman Bates is running so you will understand why I did NOT stop there! I was talking out loud so much, begging, I have no idea WHO, to hang in there. My nose has started to tingle. Later my Mom tells me I was obviously hyperventilating...great, that would have been so great passing out while DRIVING! So I finally come upon a Subway, and about start bawling. They have 1 flipping bathroom and it was just in time. Yeah that is all I will say, just in time. But something was so wrong and this was a teeny tiny Subway so I didn't feel I could sit around and wait to see if my stomach was done with me.

SO I got in the car, get a call from Kate worried as it was getting LATE. I kinda explain to Sam as I am almost sobbing that I now have NO IDEA where I am, and am very sick. I hang up ASAP because I WAS so close to bawling. And I had to find my way home still. Finally after about 20 minutes I find a 691 entrance and then get into 84 which brings me home when my Dad calls and tell me to call if I need someone to get me, as he thought I was still lost. I am almost home eventually when the pains are back and I have to drive to the Target near my house, I knew I would NOT make it home. So I am so glad my cell is attached to my purse, as I was able to text Kate and tell her. She kept trying to CALL me while i was in the toilet, and I was trying to fix my ringtone so I kept accidentally connecting to her as she called and had to hang up. NO I do not want to TALK as I am being violently ill Kate! She texts me and asks if I want to be picked up. YES, I am driving so recklessly for awhile now and want someone to get me home ASAP. My sisters and Mom came down to get me, I almost wept when I saw Mom, and when we got home clung to her until I had to leave again. But I was home.

I still don't know if it was the Icee, when all I had was a granola bar to eat, or if I have caught the stomach flu that is going around my Mom's workplace. But it was so scary. I am finally feeling like I won't DIE, but I still feel wrong and really nauseous. But I get hungry too and eating makes me a little nauseous but not AS nauseous. So I obviously can't starve myself, but I am queasy for sure. If this was the bug, PLEASE BE GONE NOW. SO scary and I just am exhausted.

So S.S.D.D., P.I.T.A. and T.M.I. are apparently my things for today. Acronyms want to play a big part in my day. Oh well. Sorry if you were grossed out but I wasn't giving detailed details, please I have read some who do and no, I do not want you IN the bathroom with me, not that much into the bathroom anyway. You can be sitting on the bench outside the restroom waiting for me, but stay out of the stall okay?

S.S.D.D....how appropriate.

Friday Fragments

*Sometimes seeing someone else enjoy a really good movie for the first time, is almost as good when you, yourself, first saw it. I rented The Blind Side and Katie and Sandy had never seen it, and their reactions were so fun to see. They LOVED it! They just adored Kathy Bates trying to spook Michael out of going to Tennessee by telling him bodies were under the football field! And when they saw the end, where they show the real Michael Oher, they were like jaw-drop shocked. They were like he is "huger than in the movie!!"

*And on Tuesday, we went and saw Avatar. For my Dad and I, it was our second viewing of it. Still as good as the first time, I have to tell ya. But it was my Mom's first time seeing it, and she LOVED it! Out of the blue on the way home, she would just suddenly say "that was SO good!". Heehee! I told her when I first saw it months ago, that it surprised me, because there was so much storyline that isn't even hinted at in the commercials, and now she totally agrees. Now SHE is telling my sisters that they would have loved it too! :p

*I made my Poor Man Lasagna meal and guess who ate it? Me. Dad offered Katie and Sandy Japanese, and he wanted leftover Chinese (and yes he knew I planned this meal), and my Mom got sick so she ate toast. SO I was upset. For the obvious reason that I was the only one who ate it after all the work, but also because I had forgotten totally about making dinner. Until 7 am. Yes I was extremely bad with no sleep that night. Then I was like, Oh no I HAVE to stay up later and make it, it is the planned dinner!! So until after 8am I was cooking. And no one ate that meal but me. I am also the only one that has been eating all the leftovers. THAT I don't mind too much, I love it and they don't even deserve it. But since it was only me, I didn't make the garlic bread or salad, because it WAS JUST ME. So I am a bit pissed off. And I think I have the right to be.

*This week it has been warmer and then cooling down so there has been a lot of rain, Which has resulted in me having migraines, so not cool. Compared to a week ago, when it was SO lovely, this is the PITS!

*Maxie was extremely bad last night. His itchies, like our allergies, have been awful lately. So he has peeled off a bit of one of his paw pads, OUCH! So he was biting so bad, I knew I had to give him some children's benadryl (vet recommendation) to help. So he is giving me CUJO and really badly. My grip on him was not secure so I half put him back down and re-picked him up, and I swear if he had been facing me he would have BIT me! Instead he ended up head-butting me SO hard, my jaw ached for over 2 hours and I was terrified it would turn into a migraine! I gave him the med, no treat and put him in his house with the gate up. He was BAD. I was so shook up and so angry though, I had to go talk to my Mother. I needed a calming influence and I was in real pain. I was scared I couldn't forgive him. He was inside the house for about 20 to 25 minutes and then I let him out. He apologized, which is standing on my chest and licking my face, so I said I might still be mad but we were okay. By the time a few more hours went by, he was plastered to my leg and I had to give it up, he was my pookie bear and I loved him. But man, he is evil lately with the Cujo and biting himself. I am thinking of getting the kid's benadryl meltaways and those dog treats with a hole for pills and MAKING him take those and much more often.

*We went to the Polish place for dinner and my Mom and I shared our normal chicken cutlet and potato and cheese perogies, but my Dad got the Wienerschnitzel and this time it had a friend egg on it. He loved it so that was good, but there is NO way I want an egg on anything besides a piece of toast with cheese. Yeah I am odd that way. We got to talking with the owner Liz, and she has her adorable THICK Polish accent. She was telling us about the over 90 lbs of corned beef they sold and how they are doing American customs since they live here now but are also teaching their son all their Polish customs so that they are never lost. Which I think is AWESOME! Did you know it is only a 6 hour flight to Poland?? That is what Liz said. Because when she found out my grandmothers were from Australia and New Zealand, respectively, she couldn't believe we had never visited. We had to tell her those trips are EXPENSIVE. I WISH I could visit those places and my other nationality countries too: Ireland, Germany and Czech Republic. When she learned the flights are about 18 hours she understood the price thing a little more. We just couldn't even afford for my Mom and Dad to go, when my Aunt Maureen asked them to go in September. My Dad, the one I get my Australian from, worried he will never meet the family he has there. Sad! Anyway Liz was funny, she told us how in Poland, squirrels were the color of my hair, lol, so when they first arrived and lived in NY and there were some on the fire escape she started screaming bloody murder, because she thought they were rats! And she had never seen a chipmunk before, so when they moved to Mass. she started screaming her head off! She is a riot!

*I watched Prue die last night on Charmed and then watched Paige be introduced. I have to admit, I do miss Prue a little, like I did when it happened, but I also know I ended up LOVING Paige way more, so she is already entertaining and I am only 3 episodes into Season 4. The guest stars on this show are turning out to be like "holy crap" moments. I have seen Misha Collins and Amy Adams among others! And right now it is the guy who plays Jin on Lost. With a mustache and he is all evil, it is so funny! It is just fun to see these people before they were stars and all baby faced and such. Trust me Misha Collins who plays Castiel on Supernatural, was wimpy looking and sounding on Charmed. Like a baby! LOL!

Saints Not For Everyone

Boondock Saints I mean. What did you think I was going to say, us Latter Day Saints? Silly gooses, I am a proud card carrying member! Okay I don't have a card that is true but I never take off my CTR ring, and I mean never.

Does anyone else ever find themselves in the shower or car or someplace and in your mind you talk out a really great post? Of course not...I am odd, I know it. But I have these "conversations/posts" happen and then when I go to write them, they NEVER turn out as they did in my head!! How annoying, don't you agree? It was so good in my head but then I try to capture that whimsy or snarkiness or whatever and it just does NOT happen!Grrr!

Anyway, as all I did today was errands and buy a movie I have been waiting to go direct to dvd forever (Posession, no I have not seen it so I might have wasted 15 bucks) and watch Criminal Minds and return stuff to stores, so...

I decided to talk about Boondock Saints and its' sequel. No I am not going to recommend this movie or it's sequel outright. This so-far two part movie series is very difficult to even explain. Not just what it is about, but why I LIKE it.

It IS strange that I like both the original and it's sequel because it is chock full of disgusting references to the male anatomy and full fledged profanity and the like. And I HATE that. Some of you know that about me, I hate crudity, especially words. My "BAD" words are crap and bloody. So I do consider myself pretty tame in language.

Anyway Boondock Saints and it's sequel are just full of it, so when I saw the original I expected I would hate it by the end and it would never be watched by me again. But as full of vulgarities as it was, I could see beyond that to the story being told. And the actual story, minus vulgar talk and images, I just found myself mesmerized by. I found these Irish Catholic fraternal twins who share a dream that the Lord wants them to clean up Boston, riveting. I mean, they were only killing bad men. Majorly evil men, mob people who killed and did all sorts of awful things. Maybe you think, man Wendy, you have a vicious streak in you, or Wendy what is going on with your sense of right and wrong? Well, maybe I do have a vengeful streak or maybe since I DO (and yes I DO know) know that it is just a movie, I can go YEAH KILL THEM and know I am okay in the head. LOL. I loved that they left a penny on each eye for the ferryman on the River Styxx. I love the prayer they recite before they do the special execution where they shoot from the back of the head and the bullet go through the eyes. Yeah these 2 movies are also pretty bloody. But I was just like, wowed by the story and I still have no idea why I am drawn to it.

I mean you have Willem Dafoe being just the weirdest FBI agent ever, who decides "The Saints" are actually doing good so he not only keeps their identities a secret, he helps them by the end of the movie. He even dresses in drag, and there is just something...odd, about how comfortable Willem seems in this role. It is like, um Mr. Dafoe, is there something you want to share with your fans? And three Boston cops end up helping them and keeping the secret too. Half of Boston loves them and sides with them, it is crazy! Yet for some reason I find it fascinating. Every time I see it on sale, I am THIS close to buying it. Heck, I know when I go on vacation in May, if I see the two for sale, especially together somewhere, I will most likely feel COMPELLED to buy them.

I thought the original was just a fluke, but when it got out on dvd yesterday, I rented The Boondock Saints 2: All Saints Day. And the vulgarity was just as bad, if not worse than the original. But Connor and Murphy were just as...well, cool. These are crime thrillers, yet they have this humorous/wacky feel to them sometimes. Even as they are going around shooting up 27 men, I find the twins and their father (Billy Connelly) and their co-conspirators, funny. I have no idea what it is!! I was almost immediately hooked in again.

The twins and their equally deadly assassin father Noah, went back to Ireland after they finished their cleansing of Bean-town 8 years ago. In fact, all three recited the special prayer and shot the biggest bad guy together in front of a court room of witnesses. They have been sheep farmers for the last 8 years. But then someone not only murders a priest in Boston who they loved. They murder them to make it look like the work of "The Saints". So the boys go home, and get a new "Saint" who wants to help with their mission, on the way. Clifton Collins, Jr is hilarious as weepy, but an amazing killer, Romeo. They go to seek vengeance for the priest and to kill anyone associated with his death. Which is basically the mafia of Boston 8 years later. So they have a lot of clean up to do again. And Willem Dafoe had said he wouldn't return, so they made it so his character trained a NEW "guardian angel" FBI agent when he died. The first FEMALE really in either movie. Eunice Bloom played by Julie Benz, who does rock the role I must say. She is in charge of the case and helps keep these boys from being discovered. Unfortunately the problem is even bigger than they thought and goes back to their fathers beginning so he returns to help his sons and confront the really bad guy behind it ALL. Eunice is discovered when she infiltrates the FBI computer for info the Saints need in their final quest, so she is on the run. And by the end of the movie, after they finish their justice, which I can't help but be all "YEAH!!", they ARE arrested. Badly wounded, but alive. Which makes you wonder, when it is like 2 brothers up against 40 bad guys, how is it they get away alive? Are they on a mission from God? Because they share another vision/dream in the sequel when they doubt themselves. And shared dreams, exactly alike, where you are even startled awake simultaneously, do NOT really happen. Not much at least. So it ends with a newly hair dyed Eunice being helped by one of the priests the boys know. She is being sent somewhere where she will be safe and who do we run INTO AFTER ALL?!!! Willem Dafoe as Agent Smecker, who is NOT dead, a shock to his protege!! He basically tells her they have not only half of the state of Mass. on their side, but the Catholic Church too! And their first order of business? Get the boys OUT of Hoag prison, which is apparently a very tough prison. And that is where it ends. And I was like Nooooo! I need to see them freed NOW!

Some of you may be thinking, Oh Wendy you are going to Hell because you have even admitted to viewing these majorly R-rated movies, let alone liking them. Well I say, poop on you! I told you, I have no idea why these two movies grab me so! They have way too much swearing, though I am a child of this time period, so I am kinda desensitized, especially since I DO watch R movies. I admit it. Bite me. I am sticking my tongue at you right now. Anyway, I admit I am mystified as to why I can wade through such gross garbage and like everything ELSE about the movie. The concept is that it? I have no idea. The acting maybe? No clue, though I do love Sean Patrick Flannery and Norman Reedus (hotties). There is just something about Boondock Saints that has me intrigued enough to wade through the garbage to the gem underneath.

Anyway, no I am not reccomending the movies. If I did, half of you would have apopleptic shock and never read me again. And any of you thinking this makes me a "bad" Mormon, well first off, screw that. Just because I enjoy R movies, does not make me a bad anything. Just like being a Molly Mormon or pious and holier-than-thou, does not make you a "good" Mormon, or a better one. I love being Mormon, I love my religion and No, I do not think the Lord will look poorly on me for having seen these movies. I think he is way more understanding than us mere mortals will ever understand, and I also think he has a sense of humor and can understand that some PG-13 movies should be the ones considered bad, and some R movies should be seen by MORE people. So do not judge me for watching R movies. I am a deviant, what can I say? A rebel Mormon. But do I think the Lord loves YOU more because you stick with G and PG? Not at all. I think HE made me, so he knows what I find humorous, what I find captivating, etc. He knows that while I find the supernatural and such so interesting, I am NOT about to convert to Wiccan. He knows even when I wade through other movies full of garbage, that if there is nothing BUT garbage, I will never see that movie again and will share that thought with others. Because he KNOWS ME.

I just wanted to talk about these movies and why I find it confusing, even to myself, why I find them so interesting. And that led me to anyone judging me for what I watch. And I won't allow you to judge me for what I watch. I don't PICK a movie because it might be rated R, I pick movies that intrigue me, seem interesting to ME. And I don't believe that makes me any less a devout Mormon, than the next person. Whose with me?!

Wednesday What-Nots

I am so depressed that I just re-finished Season 4 of Supernatural! What is worse, is there are NOT new episodes of the current season (5) on right now, no new ones for at least another month I believe!! So I am out of Dean!!! I am so sad! And while part of me is going, START from Season One AGAIN, I can't! You see I want my Mom to try the show. She watched in Season One and loved it, then partway through Season 2, she got so far behind, she was like, forget it! I want her to give it another chance, since she DID enjoy it, almost 5 years ago! So I am waiting while we finish watching Criminal Minds Season 2 + 3. We just finished Season 1, and before that saw Season 4, the latest season on dvd. So she has agreed to give it 2 episodes when we are done with Criminal Minds, and if she likes it again, she will watch them with me, and if not, I will watch them by myself. I NEED Dean to make me laugh. Not only is Jensen Ackles so hot, he makes me laugh SO much!! I fell asleep watching the gag reel this morning so I have to watch that, I LOVE the gag reels, especially with Jensen and Jared on Supernatural! They have so much fun!

This morning was an awful one. I took my meds, including Ambien, and then I started having heart troubles, as in it was scaring me. With good reason I think because my pulse was 115 and that is resting. It should be around 70 when resting if not for some people, lower. Then as I was getting sluggish from the meds, I had to run to the bathroom and was sick in there for an hour. Can you even imagine being sick when your body has been drugged to sleep, so you kind of wish you has a pillow to lean against to sleep as you are dying?!! Horrible morning. And then Maxie wanted to snuggle and I was like, NOOO! Stay away from me baby, I am sorry, but I don't want to be touched! So my Mom made a barricade so Max slept near my ankles with his head on them and I had the space I needed. Thanks Mom.

Since I am waiting for my Mom to try Supernatural, which is hard because I already feel I am in withdrawal, I decided to see in the Halliwell sisters can keep me occupied with their supernatural powers. You know, Charmed! I own all 8 seasons so I may start tonight when I finish the soaps. I already saw tonight's Criminal Minds so I have nothing else. And after a sudden painful encounter with my sisters where I was basically verbally attacked by them both (and my parents feel I am not at fault thank you) and then was sobbing from the hurt of it to my parents, I decided tonight would NOT be a good night to watch Where The Wild Things Are. I do not have it in me to cry anymore tonight. They both want to act like it is all over, but I am not one of those people who can do that. They really hurt me bad and the things they said and threatened me with, are things that just can't be ignored. They have to be dealt with, but I don't want to talk about that anymore. Or I will cry again.

Hey, who watched Lost?!! Can you believe what they have done to Sayid?!!! I was like, no freaking way!! And man, am I scared for Kate, she needs to get away from Claire before the lil Aussie slits her throat!! They really have made Emilie de Ravin look NUTS!! And while I know she was in the pit with Claire, why didn't smoke monster still kill Kate? She is not all evil like Claire and Sayid now seem to be, so how did that happen? And anyone else curious as to why Kate's name wasn't one of those written on the wall? Why was she brought there if her name wasn't going on the wall as a "candidate"?

Ahhh I am going to miss having so many questions when Lost leaves us. *sob*

Tuesday Trivialities

Okay let's face it, there is nothing fun to do right now!! I am not writing about any great adventures, nor am I reading any great, amazing adventures either. Everyone seems to be in a Winter blah rut. The daily grind seems to be all that is going on. And I find nothing wrong with that or writing about it, I am doing it all the time. I just thought, wow, it is everywhere.

Me? Let's see I did finally get some sleep. In fact I didn't do the grocery shopping, the family did it for me, because my Mom didn't want me waking up. To catch up on those almost 48 hours of crappy sleep. I took my pills Sunday night and I also sprayed myself with my Mom's Bath & Body Works Sleep Body Mist in Lavender Vanilla. The scent was so soothing and so pretty. So I got it stuck in my OCD brain that I needed my own to use, so I would sleep good period. So today I went over to the mall and bought bottle. I also picked my Mom up the pillow spray of it, as she had just mentioned how she liked that idea, and why waste body mist on your pillow, I say!

I did the other errands today too, and also while I was at the mall, I found a necklace that is connected by two baby sized handcuffs that I HAD to have. Hot Topic is so fun. I got a HT card to earn points, I love cards, especially when they give you one that you can attach to your key chain! One thing I LOATHE about Hot Topic though is that all the women's tees are in baby doll tee sizes. So even an XXL is like really a size Medium in normal t-shirts. One of those shirts will cover ONE of my boobs, hello, heavy chested people live here too!! So I miss out on all these cute shirts they sell. So all the cute Twilight shirts? Yeah I have none. And no I do not want the guys shirt, they are not pretty or Edward all over it. So that pisses me off and I had to share that anger with you. They should carry plus sizes too, which does NOT necessarily mean the person is a plus-size, but they should be offering everyone their merchandise. Because I am way more likely to buy a shirt on impulse in a store, than to trust that Hot Topic's Plus-Size shirts on their website will fit me like I want them too.

Does ANYONE know where I can find a Lilac based perfume/oil/scent? I have scoured Bath & Body Works, The Body Shop and Victoria's Secret and can't find a lilac scent anywhere! I LOVE the smell of lilacs, it is so pretty so why is no one making that in a bottle?! And please, do not suggest Demeter to look at, I have bought and returned 4 of their scents. Disgusting.

I also bought 2012 today!! Woot! I LOVED that movie! I also rented Where the Wild Things Are, I never saw it. I heard it made some people cry and that is making me a little leary. I have enough crying, so why cry on purpose. WHY are they crying, also?!! Eeeeep!

Topics...I am sucking at Titles I KNOW

Okay a few un-movie related topics...hm. Did I tell you I have to bring my brand new glasses back? My Dad said not to drive home wearing them, not the best way to get used to them. And honestly I didn't notice in the store because it is hard to remember what glasses feel like when you get a stronger prescription. So I get home and I put them on to show my Mom and get used to them, and I noticed how blurry it seemed. Mom and Sam were concerned, but also know maybe it was the way until you get used to them. But as I sat in front of the blurry TV, I started trying to remember. And I began to think, when you get new glasses things feel overly clear, so much that your eyes are like teary because your eyes aren't used to the stronger feeling. I swear I think that it how it is supposed to be, NOT blurry. And then I looked down at the vcr, I noticed I saw the time blurry...and twice. One time above the other. I had freaking double vision too!! So I have to go back on Friday to have them check the prescription and see if the lenses are not aligned properly. If they are fine, I then have to make a NEW appointment and have my eyes test AGAIN. OY VEY!

I can't even remember WHAT I have mentioned so if this is a repeat, sorry! Sunday is baby Zoey's baby blessing, so we are going to Weezie and Zak's ward. My Dad was asked to be part of the blessing circle which made me like AWWWW! I love it! Hopefully I will get to hold the Zoester and baby Gretchy, Zoey's cousin, too!! Gretchy is such a happy, jolly baby. She lifts my mood, it is incredible! She just smiles and giggles so much and that just lifts my heart so much! Love that little girl!

Went bad OCD last night. I took a project on that I thought would be fun and make my love of organizing happy. But by the time I was done with #'s and the letter A, it was not fun anymore, and I just wanted it to be finished so I worked on it from around 11pm to after 7am. Yeah I was miserable. I don't understand why my OCD is being so bad right now, or what is causing it. No idea if is related to my current BAD depression or my Bipolar. It is just yuck. Simple word for how it is feeling. Yucky.

Okay now, I know what you will be thinking. Wendy is going to talk about movies AGAIN?! But seriously folks, if you live in the Northeast you know we have been on Winter Storm Warning all week, until Friday. So we are getting snow, then rain, then ice, etc. So there isn't all that much to talk about. Or do. And you know I am movie obsessed and so, you shouldn't be all that surprised.

I watched 2 movies last night that I had never seen before. The Box and Everybody's Fine. I watched The Box first. Stars Cameron Diaz and James Marsden. Wow. Well...it was definitely...interesting. But that is all I can say that is positive about it. It leaves you totally confused. It raised so many questions and then never answered them, which is really a stupid thing to do. Why make people need to know what is going on, but never tell them. It isn't a cool concept, it leaves you kind of pissed that you wasted 2 hours, thinking you would get answers and you just don't. And the ending is miserable! And seriously, if the husband didn't press it, why is he the one who is really punished. Because Cameron isn't gonna be punished...well you know what I mean if you saw it. It is James that will pay until he is dead. They could have done so much with it too, you have all these interesting concepts, but they don't follow through. There IS no follow through! So this is not a movie I would recommend even seeing one time.

Everybody is Fine stars Robert Dinero, Drew Barrymore, Kate Beckinsdale and Sam Rockwell. Dinero is their Dad and he is expecting all 4 of his kids home for a visit. They each leave messages cancelling, one sister cancels for another brother. So Dinero decides to go visit them all, even though he is sick, some condition and his doctor tells him not to. But he goes anyway, and you see him pack 4 letters, one for each of his kids. So he goes to see David first, the one he is hardest on, but he never shows up so he leaves David's letter under his door and moves on to one of his daughters. You hear conversations between 3 of the siblings regarding their other sibling David. How they can't tell Dad anything until they know more, etc. So they are keeping secrets from their Dad. Apparently it was always their Mom they told stuff to and she only told the Dad what he wanted to hear, so now that she is gone, they tell him "everyone is fine". But man, okay they are searching for David and what trouble he has gotten into, but they all treat the Dad like crap and lie to him and tell them they have to go out of town so he can't stay. I know it is because they are trying to find David, because as you go further in, they think David is in jail in Mexico and then maybe it is because he got caught with drugs, but to make the Dad feel so unwelcome, and the Dad overhears some of these lies so he knows his kids are lying to him. Finally after visiting and getting the same treatment from all his other kids, the Dad flies home and on the plane has a heart attack. While he is either in his heart attack or while he is sleeping he has a dream and he confronts his children as their child selves and reveals secrets they were keeping them that I didn't even realize. And then he learns what they have to tell him about David. I found this movie pretty much depressing, but also kind of well done at the same time. The VERY end, like the last 4 minutes I liked, so it was an okay movie to see maybe one time, but it WAS sad. Not something I would say go and BUY, because I can't see watching it over and over like a great action or comedy or romance. But a rental isn't out of the question.

Random Musings on Randomness

Sometimes you get the impression that someone else does get what you are going through, even though you feel no one else could ever feel the way you do. But nonetheless, in those brief moments when it feels like you are not the only one, that you are not alone, it is such a comfort. It is like you feel a hand resting on your shoulder, going, it's okay, I am here too, you are not all alone in this fight. The feeling IS brief, at least for me, because I have a hard time imagining anyone else can feel the way I do. And for the length that I have felt it. Some people try to be nice, by revealing they WENT through it a few years ago or whatnot, but while I appreciate knowing you can understand the feelings, it is also hard knowing for you, it

is over. A thing of the past. Because for the past 13 years, this has been an on-going battle for me. And I know there are times when it has not been AS bad as other times, but it is still always there. So when is it my turn to get to say to someone, I get it, I went through it for years, but I am better now? It is just a little frustrating. I just had to get that out of me.

So, movies last night...yeah I saw ONE. Yes, I am serious. I started Saw VI, and I realized, as I have admitted I am a wimp with this franchise, that I hadn't read the full summary on Wikipedia, which I like to do so I know when I might really want to fast forward. Then I read it, and realized I didn't remember everything from the previous movies. And as thin a story as you may think it is, they try to tie each movie together. Saw I has been linked by a situation or person all the way to Saw VI. So I had to read up on ALL the Saw movies. And then, that was when one of my conditions set in. I felt an overwhelming NEED to have someone else GET what was going on on the franchise. Not all the gory details, but what is going on with the killer, and his proteges and all that crap. So, it could be my OCD, or it could have been me be

ing Manic from my Bi Polar, who can tell the difference?!! But one of them, or both, had me typing away, I used wikipedia's summaries, but some of the stuff wasn't in the descriptions and some of it was too much info. I knew it would be my Mom I would need to have a basic understanding of this franchise, so I deleted most of the really gory unnecessary crap. I would write, and here a trap happened for like 5 people and it was many traps...then just say how it ended if it was important to the storyline or just say and on to the next part of the story. So I was up Manic or OCD all night getting this ready and printed. Finished at about 5 am. So yeah I didn't see any of the GOOD movies! I wanted to watch Saw VI first to get it over with. I just need to know Jigsaw's full agenda and if all the bad guys are caught. But apparently I will have to wait for Saw VII, which is a green light, and they say it will most likely be the last. I DO think it is time already. Tobin Bell's character has been dead since Saw III!

I just was watching Keeping Up with the Kardashians, yes I do watch it, but OCCASIONALLY. But they agreed to do boxing for charity, it was supposed to be good clean fun, but Rob was beaten the crap out of. His protective mask came off twice and the second time, he was on the ground and the guy continued beating him for 7 seconds. No one stopped him. I am just saying, if I was a celebrity, even for notoriety like these people, I would NEVER volunteer to be beaten up and TRUST that normal people would not want to beat the crap out of me!! Idiots! I have to say I was proud Kim went in and did it after what happened to her brother, but a girl who is dying was there to see Kim, so Kim felt if this girl could fight for her LIFE for 2 years now, she could fight for charity. Kim is a wimp though, and her Mom was all, enough!! But she went all the way through the match, so good for her. I don't like her much though. I like Khloe for some odd reason.

You know how people will say about a person, of she is a high-spirited girl or whatever? I suddenly feel like I have had all the spirit drained out of me. And that, that spirit, is what makes a person. Makes them who they are, makes them interesting, makes them unique, all of that. And I don't have any spirit left, so what does that make me? I am like an empty shell of what a person is supposed to be and there is just no way to re-grow that spirit. I can see that at least. I am not interesting, not particularly a funny or vivacious personality. I am just this. A shell of a person who has kept on holding on, waiting for the day when all the promises of things getting better would come true. And that day is never arriving and I find it hard to accept, yet I also find in inevitable. Things have been a certain way for so long, the likelihood of such a huge change, as it would have to be, is quite unlikely. So this is my life. A broken spirit in an empty shell, who people just look on as the depressing girl, and I just can't help that. I could pretend I suppose, to be all bubbly and happy. But remember that blog romance of the Mormon girl in love with her RM BFF? It would be like that. All my stories and posts, would be fictional. I could do that, I think I could write fiction. I won Whitney's Glade Lady contest and was in the running with my Palm Reading Halloween story, got a prize...I think. So I could totally write my life as it maybe should be. But wouldn't that be even worse than being the depressed girl blogger? Being the lying blogger?

I don't know, I all of a sudden after a short break from my post had to write this part down too. It stemmed from feeling like someone could lie to me and it was alright. It made me feel...insignificant and unimportant. Just a lot of lousy emotions I don't need, but can't ever to seem to shake for long. It made me feel like I didn't matter. That promises made to me, are just not that big of a deal. Like I am worthless. And that feeling is painful. I am so tired of pain. Shouldn't it be tired of me? After all these years? When will it be my turn to just be...okay?

Never Answers

Sorry I didn't post yesterday, but when you have a manic panic attack from around 11pm to 4 am in the morning, you are so raw from crying, you can barely move from the exhaustion. I never even turned on my computer, I was drained. It had been a bad day to begin with.

I went to see my doctor, hoping as I have been, that he would have some answers for me. All I wanted was answers, if that meant surgery, I was willing to accept that. But I didn't get answers. In regards to any of the problems I have been concerned with. He said my Diabetes blood tests came back like an A+ report card. Well while I am glad about that, it does not help me understand why I am going hypoglycemic at least once a day. Even after a meal! So his big suggestion after waiting weeks, was for me to go see and endocronoligt. So no answers about that. He said while I am in a starnge group with my urine analysis, it looked pretty good, and maybe the endocrynologist would have something to say about that. Usually if you are a Diabetic, it is when your sugar levels are HIGH that you are peeing all the time. But my sugars are apparently perfect for a Diabetic, yet I have to pee about every 30 minutes. So he said maybe I should ask the endocrinologist about that too. So strike 2. Then we discussed my heart monitor results. Apparently I have an extra heart beat. While most people have 2 thump-a thumps in a period of time, I have three. He said he wasn't concerned (what the crap?!!), but if it bothered me he would up my Toprol XL medication. Which I am not okay about. I can be 2 hours into a dose and be having these scary symptoms, so medication for tacchycardia is obviously not helping me! So I might need to go see a cardiologist too. Because 3 strikes from my doctor. He gave me nothing to work with. I needed answers, you do not get how badly I NEEDED these answers. It was the one thing I was holding out hope for. I would rather have found something wrong, I understand logic, order and reasons. Feeling like I have been and being told, none of these tests indicate there is anything wrong is bull crap. My heart feels like it is going psychotic, backwards and making it hard to breathe. So I am feeling...helpless.

I needed one thing I could control, and I couldn't even have that. I am done. I feel like I am being torn down. Going to specialists is going to take forever to get an appointment, let along, answers. So I broke down last night after something else happened. It just was too much, I felt so alone and refused to talka bout what was bothering me. Partly was because I felt an odd sense of calm. Which apparently was a sham, because my Mom was able to break it down until I was sobbing, telling her everything that was bothering me, which included everything. It feels like nothing it right in my life. Even small things feel like they are going wrong. I order my flaming red hair color and they ruin the box in the warehouse and have no more, so I am going to have to try my hand at using professional colorists stuff. Great, not one thing I tell you.

Sorry if this is not a cheerful Yuletide post, but I strive for honestly, and honestly I feel like I have been broken down, and this time, it is permanent. I just don't have it in me to get back up to try again. I don't want to try anymore, I am done. I am so tired, and I know most of you can't understand depression or what it does to people who have it. How it breaks you down until you can't fight it anymore. I watch the Cymbalta commercials and I sob, because a commercial can understand better than most people. I did not choose this, it isn't going away. If I could have it magically go AWAY, believe me I would. Because I feel so hollow and alone, even when I am in a roomful of people. I just wanted some answers, one thing to go right, one thing to have answers for. One thing in my life I had some semblance of control over. And I couldn't even have that. I am in such a dark place right now, and it just feels like no one else understands that place. It is so familiar to me, I have been here so many times, it just never ceases to amaze me, that so many, many people have never ever seen the entrance to this living hell.

Again sorry for being a downer, a party pooper. But I want this blog to be honest, and this is what is in my head tonight, at this point in time. I am so tired, in my head, emotionally, etc. So tired.

Snowy Wednesday

Today we had a major snow storm. I woke up from falling asleep in front of the TV, he followed me, and I couldn't say no so I let him sleep with me. Which drives me nuts. He doesn't want me to move, he likes to cuddle behind my knees, so it is hard. I am a flipper too, so it kept making me wake up not being able to. Then he returned, from where I do not know, and was shaking so I had to wake up and let him outside, so my sleep was terrible. But I didn't even hear the thunderstorm that was accompanied by lightning! My poor Max is terrified by them! And my Dad and Katie said it was a strange sight to see as they snow blowed the driveway and sidewalks. How odd, a thunder and lightning storm with snow!

I have the dentist at 3pm tomorrow. Yuck. Then I might drive over to the mall, hoping it will still be light out when I get out, so I can look for some presents for my Mom. Dad cannot shop for her, he isn't too good at it, and he asks for help. So I am going to look for earrings and maybe some Christmas pins, she loves wearing them and says she is tired of hers. And she has a lot! Plus I have regular errands I put off for sugar cookies. So I have to drive, which made me curl my lips JUST now. Not okay. But Mom and Dad working, Katie will stay to take care of Sam, so that leaves no one to go with me. So it is what it is.

So that is all that really went on today. Snowstorms do that. I love snow, just wish I could have enjoyed it today. There was just too much other stuff to think about so, snow again soon!

Thank You Michael Buble

Just a lazy Sunday. We had BLT's for dinner and watched Up. I love that movie, it is so cute! Dug is awesome, but it is Karl that is just the cutest curmudgeon ever!! I love when Disney and Pixar team up, it is pure magic as Disney always is.

Everything is fine with my friend. I made myself worry for nothing, as she made me feel like I was crazy to have worried that my sharing with her would make her not want to be friends, so yay, one thing has worked out for me lately.

Guess what?!! In about 6 hours I can take off the monitor and electrodes FOR GOOD!! I am so excited, but oddly enough, I am wondering how I am going to feel being free again. I have actually gotten used to all this, it is part of my routine, so it will be like...Oh crap I forgot my monitor...oh wait I don't need it anymore. But I WANT to be free! To walk around and not need to be wearing something that will hold the monitor will be so great! To not roll over it as I sleep...man that will be sweet! I am now just very anxious to know WHEN the results will be in, and what they will mean for me. Hurry up docs!

I am posting the music video LOST by Michael Buble. It just feels like he knows my thoughts and feelings and wrote a song about them. Like he is singing directly to me. Yeah maybe I am a nerd, but it is me being honest. I want to know that I am not alone. That even when I AM lost, someone is beside me while I am lost. This song has always just felt like Michael Buble GETS it. He understands being in the dark place, feeling like you are so very alone and like there is nothing left for you to give, so all you want is to give up. He also seems to get that we need to feel like we are not all alone, even if we can't really let ourselves believe that. This song is just one that I sometimes play over and over, again and again, because while it strikes the nerve of how I feel, it makes me feel hope that there ARE people who understand, and don't mock feeling like this. So many people think these feelings just go away, and for a lot of lucky people they do. But for some of us, these are feelings and emotions we will never escape. Thank you Buble.

And here are the lyrics:

I can't believe it's over
I watched the whole thing fall
And I never saw the writing that was on the wall
If I'd only knew
The days were slipping past
That the good things never last
That you were crying

Summer turned to winter
And the snow it turned to rain
And the rain turned into tears upon your face
I hardly recognized the girl you are today
And god I hope it's not too late
It's not too late
'Cause you are not alone
I'm always there with you
And we'll get lost together
Till the light comes pouring through
'Cause when you feel like you're done
And the darkness has won
Babe, you're not lost
When your worlds crashing down
And you can't bear the thought
I said, babe, you're not lost

Life can show no mercy
It can tear your soul apart
It can make you feel like you've gone crazy
But you're not
Things have seem to changed
There's one thing that's still the same
In my heart you have remained
And we can fly fly fly away

'Cause you are not alone
And I am there with you
And we'll get lost together
Till the light comes pouring through
'Cause when you feel like you're done
And the darkness has won
Babe, you're not lost
When the worlds crashing down
And you can not bear the cross
I said, baby, you're not lost
I said, baby, you're not lost
I said, baby, you're not lost
I said, baby, you're not lost

SLOW Saturday

Didn't do much today. Saw my parents off, Sam drove them, so when she got back she immediately headed back to bed.

Sam took over for Mom, and she colored my hair for me. Katie is too sick to go, but Sandy and I are supposed to go to my Aunt Maureen's house for dinner on Sunday night. A cousin..or a half sibling, I can't remember which, to Auntie, is visiting from Australia. So we were all invited over, but my parents are now safely in Florida (the toads!), and Kat is sick, so it is just me and Sandy. Hopefully it will BE me and Sandy, because she says if she feels even a sore throat she won't go. Which will suck, because I don't want to go all by myself, but I will have to.

Anyway, I wanted my hair to be pretty for a family get together, and when we went to the Mid-West, that hotel pool bleached all the color out, so now it is Wahooey! Dark Auburn red! It was so drab before. And while that may fit my mood, I don't want it to be what people SEE me as. Plus I have Thanksgiving this month, and the New Moon party and viewing, so I want it to look nice. It will fade by then probably, but not as bad as it was when I woke up today.

Then it took forever, of course, to rinse it out and then we ordered Japanese and Sandy went and picked it up. I had chicken and veggie tempura, the only Asian food I like. Besides clear soup, which is either a fish broth or a mushroom based clear Japanese soup. SO yummy! Sandy had a Boston roll and a California roll, minus the avocado. And Katie had Chicken Udon. Max loved the Udon noodles and we took 2 15 second videos of him eating them. I have Sandy's camera right in front of me, but don't want to get in trouble by downloading them first. *rolls eyes* But it was so adorable!!

We watched the new Nia Vardalos movie, I Hate Valentine's Day. It was so cute! Nia plays Genevieve, a flower shop owner who has rules to dating. You only date somene 5 times. It keeps her from getting hurt and it has always SEEMED to be so romantic in the past. Perfect relationships. So when she meets John Corbett's Greg, she thinks it will be the same as usual, but she is starting to really like spending time with him. But can she give up her old ways? Especially when they were created by things that hurt her, so she closed herself off to love? Rent it from Blockbuster today and see! And there was of course, the normal cameo, by Nia's cute as a button husband!! You know, he played Javier on Felicity!! Such a cutie! Although he was so slimy in My Life in Ruins. He was the slimy hotel owner. Pay postage in "other" ways, remember? Yeah, that is her husband. LOL!

Friday Fragments

My parents leave at 5:20 am to leave for Florida. They are SO lucky. They will have days of balmy beautiful weather, and here I am sitting with the pellet stove on medium, I am COLD. And so jealous, ahhhh Florida.

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Something that REALLY annoys me, is when people say axed instead of ASKED. "I axed him if he cheated on me", etc...it KILLS me! And I have noticed, it irks me even more recently, the two words are NOT anywhere near similar in meaning! One is a tool that chops things, one is to question. So please people, pronounce the s and k in this word, do not make it into the tool! It kills me, I swear I die a little inside every time I hear this!

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I am so happy baseball is over and Fox is giving me my shows back!! I was giddy last night watching Bones and Fringe! They were so good! Bones pairing us Angela and Wendall...ooh that should be good. Hodgins likes Wendall, they are buddies, so I do not think his reaction is going to ba a good one when he finds out! He belongs with Angela, all us fans know it! And Fringe was so freaky, the dust thing was like, whoa! Not expecting that at all, yay for Fringe!

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Today we finally got the last blood test so we could compare my thyroid levels, which my doctor knew was what I was interested in seeing. Only to find they hadn't checked my thyroid level back then. So NOW, we need to contact my gastric bypass surgeon because I saw him in 2007 (yeah I am bad I never went in for my three year appointment...and my 4 year anniversary is the 18th) and he checks all levels so he should have something to compare my recent blood results with. Plus I got a NEW slip to go in for blood work to actually get my A1C (Diabetes testing) checked. And to do a full urine analysis, because my creatinin level is high, which apparently is part of the kidneys. I don't know this stuff, I suck a sciences!!

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Max knows my parents are leaving, he understands what suitcases mean. I am not sure if he gets that I am staying behind this time, but they haven't left yet and he is already clingy and depressed. He shadowed my father today, following him everywhere. I so do not want him to be so sad while they are gone. I swear if he is depressed it will make me more depressed, because he is my baby, and he can affect me a lot. When he is hurt, I go crazy, so I am already worried about him and they haven't left yet.

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Sesame Street turns 40 people!! I am sorry, yes I HAD to mention this! Sesame Street was such a huge part of many of our childhoods, so to find out Big Bird and Oscar and all my old friends turn 40, it was just WOW!! I still remember the theme music...okay it could be different now, I remember the theme music from when I watched it! Happy Birthday Sesame Street!

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Tomorrow is that Bridezilla's second reception, and Kate is so sick she is going to miss it. So poor N is going to have to go on her own and suffer through it alone! Poor girl! I feel you N!! I so wanted to know how it went myself, after hearing how horrible the Bride and Groom are. But Katie has infections in her throat lungs and sinuses. She has basically been asleep for 4 days!! Poor little sister! She has been keeping her distance too so Mom and Dad wouldn't get it. I only hope that plan works out and they are healthy for the whole vacation.

Haunting and Butterflies

Is Your House Haunted? Questionairre

1. Do the showerheads or faucets bleed? YES NO

2. Did the previous owners die as the result of a murder or suicide? YES NO

3. Does furniture rearrange itself when you aren't looking? YES NO

4. When you reach into the refrigerator, does you

r arm appear in YES NO

another part of the house?

5. Are there Civil War-era children playing in your attic? YES NO

6. Does the house issure verbal or written warnings? YES NO

7. Does the temperature suddenly plummet if you discuss remodeling? YES NO

8. Do you feel more compelled to murder your family with an ax than YES NO

usual?

9. Are Native Americans constantly showing up to ask, "What happened to YES NO

our cemetery?"

10. Does the house contain any candelabras? YES NO

There are two things you can't change in this world: a husband who lets the dishes pile up, and a haunted house. Both lead to nothing but frustration, fear, and, eventually, a gruesome death. If the 10 Questions come back positive for a haunting, get out. Don't pack up your things. Don't go for one last dip in the half-finished swimming pool. Run. NOW.

Okay so I left myself notes that when I woke up I'd see, Do NOT eat anything Wendy, it is a fasting blood work!! So yay for post-it notes!! I brought Sam with me, she can be very calming and she knows this stuff. This is HER chosen career. Yes, she is still looking for someone to give her a job without that pesky one year of experience clause, which I find astounding. Other classmates, well I know of one, have gotten jobs, but Sam who was THE head of her class, is having troubles?!! Stupid people. So she went with me and she held my hand. She said even as we were waiting on the paperwork, I began to get paler (hard to believe I can GET paler right?). And through the whole process I got paler and paler. She said she could tell because of course the chalkiness of my skin, but the circles under my eyes got more and more pronounced. Lovely. Plus she had me eat the granola bar I brought ASAP because of my color and the fact that my cheeks were tingly.

Now this phlebotomist used a butterfly needle, these are the smallest and nicest of the needles to take blood. But she HURT me. I have a needle bruise and it hurt for way more than a second. Sandy, as we walked away of course, said the woman had done it wrong. She hadn't properly done some vein prep thing, and hadn't had me ball my fist or hold onto a squeezy thing, and I should have felt only a second of pain, and I was holding

her hand so the squeeze was way over a second's worth. It just made me proud that my sister knew this information, and shook her head when she saw my bruise. LOL! I wish someone would give her a well-deserved job, I actually think I'd go to her to have mine done from now on. And they gave me tape I am allergic to. There was no other kind, so even though it was on maybe 15 minutes, it was all red and itchy when I took it off. OY! Even I know after all these years of blood tests, butterflies are supposed to be the kindest of the blood work needles! This hurt! Bloody Olga!! You were nice but not nice TO me! Ouchies. Now I just have the dentist to endure tomorrow, plus he will want to make an appointment to get my other cavity filled, and a bone density test next Thursday. I am so tired of doctors. And if there IS something up, with my lood, heart, etc., I am so not done with them yet.

Dlual Citizen and DANG IT ALL!

Harbinger of Impending Doom: The Dual Citizen

A dual citizen is a special breed of character found only in a horror flick. He or she is someone (usually an elderly man) who exists somewhere between the Terrorverse and the real world. Dual citizens always function in the same way: give the audience some neatly bundled back-story and force the protagonist to make a choice - either heed the warning and turn back, or ignore it and forge ahead. Inevitably, our her

o always chooses option number two (otherwise we wouldn't have much of a movie). But if your goal is survival, you'd be well advised to get the hell out of Dodge when some old codger tells you to, narrative structure be damned.Here are three of the most common dual citizens to be on the lookout for:

* The gas station attendant who lives just down the road from the evil town and tells you not to go there, even though he seems relatively unaff

ected by the evil. (Why hasn't he moved away or called the cops in all these years?)

* The local barfly who tells you a story beginning with "It was a night just like tonight...".

* The homeless guy who grabs your arm after you toss a nickel in his cup, stared into your eyes and says something like, "If you're trapped in the house of hell, follow the right path to freedom". Of course, this advice eventually saves your life at the end of the movie, when you're confronted with two doors while escaping the serial killer's basement.

Hero

One door on the left, one on the...right?

(puts it together)

Right path! "Follow the right path to freedom!" God, what clever screen-writing!

Still, you'd be better off identifying him as a dual citizen and not entering the house of hell in the first place!

Okay back to writing from me, I am such a moron. I got everything all set to do my blood work today, but when I woke up to trudge upstairs to bed I felt hungry and had a bloody granola bar, which made the fasting null and void! Freaking idiot!! Agghh! I wanted it over with. I am so not okay with needles, like on the verge of passing out a lot of the time. AND I want the results back as soon as earthly possible! So I am very angry with myself for blanking in that moment!

I went to see The Stepfather tonight. No one was willing to go with me, no matter how I begged, so finally, even though I don't love it, I was like I am going by myself then. I have missed too many movies I wanted to see in theaters and I NEEDED this. I needed to be distracted from all this stress I am feeling. Too close to tears all the time. So I got ready and went outside and am leaving when Katie calls me from inside the house. I was upset no one would go with me when I asked so I was like I am fine goodbye. THEN I closed the garage door and she heard that so she called back and insisted on going. Which okay yeah, made me a bit happy. And guess what? It was NOT scary, she actually liked it. She said the scariest looking parts were IN the trailer, so it reminded her of thrillers she was okay with. Like Disturbia. ♥ So I really enjoyed it. That Walsh guy was really good as the evil soon to be stepfather, and Penn Badgley was great! I like him! So if you liked Disturbia, I think you will like The Stepfather. It was a thrill!

Friday Fragments

I went out to eat with my sisters to this new Italian place down the street from us, called Cava. Wow, will I never go there again. Pricey and I felt sooo underdressed. Sure there were flat screen tv's playing sports, but even the napkins were folded into like a flower shape. We ended up getting the simplest items on the menu, because everything else had so much ingredients and was so...Top Chef, that it was intimidating. It was good, putting parmesan cheese in the potatoes tasted odd, but it was good. I just prefer to feel like I can be myself at a restaurant.

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I saw Cirque du Freak:The Vampire's Assistant tonight, and I really enjoyed it. It is so incredibly quirky and that is what I liked about it. It was an oddball movie, and that made me appreciate it's originality. I was entertained and enchanted and that is what makes a good movie. John C. Reilly, you go dude! Starring role! He was great, and they MUST make a sequel!

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I am back emailing a friend of mine. We started emailing eachother a few years ago, and then she got some problems of her own, and didn't want to talk anymore. Which bummed me out, because in regards to movie and tv, we are like soul sisters. We can just talk about it ALL day. And since we saw eachother at Sister H's party (she is her niece), we are emailing again all about movies and tv, we have so much catching up to do. A LOT of it is Supernatural so far. We are addicts!

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We were supposed to go to Lake Compounce and do the night rides, but rain was starting at 9 and Sam had a stomach ache, so we didn't go. And we are SO not going the day before or of Halloween, so I am really sad we are missing out on that this year. Hopefully if Sandy feels better we are going to the Dark Manor, this haunted house people have really said is awesome. It is open weekdays so we would go Wednesday. Here is to hoping we go.

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I am assisting Kate on 2 bellydance gigs Saturday night. A wedding and a houkah bar I have never been to. I am excited, well to make some money of course, but to see her dance at a wedding. It should be really cool.

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I just spent and am still going back and forth to Youtube, I am watching Jared Padalecki and Jensen (♥) Ackles of Supernatural at different Cons around the world. Seen them in England and Australia and now from the LA one. LOVE them! Jensen we are soul mates! Same age and everything!! Wendy Ackles sounds nicccceeee!

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I am hungry. Do I want perogies or a bean burrito? Hmmm.

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I am going to see the Doctor on Monday about my heart. I have now had resting heart rates of 104 sometimes. And even when it is lower, like the 60-70's, it can feel like it wants to explode out of my chest. It is scary. I just do NOT want to have to wear a halter monitor again. Can't shower and the electrodes sticky stuff gave me a rash. I have very sensitive skin. ANd after that, they had me do a medicine indiced stress test, which is the scariest thing on the planet. If you HAVE the option, pick the treadmill people. Because the drug is so scary, I thought I was dying. I am serious.

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Going to the dentist Friday. I have a cleaning plus I have not mentioned this I think, since I had the last 2 cavities filled, I can't chew on my left side. it causes major pain. Oh when a fragment of a chip gets over there I want to cry. So supposedly they are going to fix that, but I am terrified they will make it worse. It has been 2 months of no left side eating, my jaw hurts! Okay yes they would have seenme earlier but I was terrified to let them touch me when I had to go out to the MidWest, and then I just procrastinated.

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Gotta go watch more Jared and Jensen.

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Halloween-ish movie featuring Jensen!!

Twinkies!!!

Back to normal Wendy posts. I am going to write about today...today. LOL. And in the next few days I will talk about Kat's birthday and the Apple Harvest Festival. Today was enough for a good post. Well, I think so anyway! LOL. I had a really fun evening with most of my family. Katie elected not to go with us, she thought the movie Zombieland would SCARE her! Bahaha! I LOVED this movie, it was so funny! I like it better than Shaun of the Dead, which is what some have compared it to. It was so weird, they found THE perfect role for Woody Harrelson to play. He rocked as Tallahasse! He kicked major zombie booty!! Abigail Breslin was so good as Little Rock, and Emma Stone was great as Wichita. And of course the whole movie revolved around Jesse Eisenberg's Columbus. He was just amazing! And the AWESOME cameo from Bill Murray, oh my gosh, I almost cried I was laughing so hard!

What you have is Columbus who has a set of rules he lives by since the "infection". Which you see through out the movie. SEE. He wants to go to Columbus to find his parents. He is all he has had for months. No other humans. He meets up with a man called Tallahasse, they are called these names because it is either where they want to go, or it is where they are from. Tallahasse gives him a ride, and they start to kind of bond, even though Columbus can be kind of annoying to Tallahasse. They stop at a grocery store because Tallahasse is "hell-bent" on finding Twinkies. It is a huge part of the movie. All he wants is a Twinkie before they go bad and he can never have a Twinkie again. Canned food can stay good for years, but NOT Twinkies apparently. There they meet up with the 2 sisters, who trick them out of their ride, and their weapons. But they soon meet up again. The two sisters think there is a place, an amusement park, in California where there are other humans holed up, a zombie-free land. So they all end up heading to CA, and hilarity ensues. Basically, it is like THEY need to come to the realization that they are all they have, they are their own family now. And when they get to CA? It gets even funnier!! Sure, there is a lot of swearing, maybe I am desensitized when it is used in funny or action stuff, but I tune it out, I hear what they are really saying and it was bloody funny!! I am SO glad I did not miss out on this movie in the theaters! And now I know I want to own in ASAP!

We then went to McDonalds' and brought food back to the house. We had the pellet store fire going, it is SO cold tonight! It is 38 degrees right now, SO close to freezing! So we ate and watched a Mentalist from last season. I own the season. I decided since I had to excercise still that I would go on a walk. Sure it was 41 outside then and it was after 9pm, so it was pitch black, but I figured the cold air would make the walk rejuvinating. And it was, sort of. It also had me needing to pee withing 10 minutes, it was so cold. It is weird how you can be freezing on the outside, for the most part, but with all they layers I had on, and the walking, I was sweating. It is so weird that you can be sweating and freezing simultaneously. To me anyway. Only problem was, even though it was a funny movie we saw, I kept on being scared of all the shadows in case something jumped out at me. Luckily I was within visual distance of the house, when all of a sudden my brain thought of the Trick 'Treat movie and I freaked out that the freaky lil pumpkin head/burlap head thing was coming to get me! Eep!!

Later I watched Criminal Minds with Kat and Sam, and we saw a commercil for The Box, which I think looks fascinating, and this began a long spiel, from them, how they HATE this type of movie. They comapred it to The Game and The Village (both movies I adore), etc. Saying they are miserable movies, where no one ends up okay. What?! In The Game, it "saves" Michael Douglas, in a way he needed saving. That movie rocks. Then they were comparing it to that Jodi Picoult book to movie, and I was like HOW is THAT movie anywhere similar to The Village or Fallen or John Q?!! More movies they brought up. Which I love. I say Sandy loves the miserable ones, but she doesn't consider Steel Magnolias or White Oleander miserable. Just movies like The Box. Which isn't even out, so how would they know? And why do they get to decide what constitutes a miserable movie? I say where you cry at the end from sadness, THAT is miserable. I love John Q and Fallen, both Denzel movies. Sure Fallen, is not a happy ending. The Devil won the round with Denzel, but it was so smartly done and intelligent, and such a shock, how it ends. That makes it COOL. Whatever girls! :p

Today's trailer? Valentine. Which I found to be really decent, and tricky.

Wonderful Walk

I decided to switch things up excercise wise, and go for a walk today, instead of doing Walk Away the Pounds. It was a cool day, but the wind was so fierce, so it required extra layers. Which never FEELS great when you have to walk. Sure, it keeps the bite of the wind from freezing you, but once you start to sweat, it does NOT feel so great anymore. And that is what happened. If I was just strolling outside I would have just been in jeans and used one of my sweater jackets. But I was wearing my shirt, sweater jacket, heavier jacket and scarf, and while that took all of the sting out of the wind, once I started getting warm from excercising it made me sweat more. Yuck.

But it was such a beautiful fall day, I am so glad I went. I took my small Kodak with me. I would have preferred the Nikon, but I was excercising so I took the camera that fits in my jackets' pocket. You could just smell the scents of Fall starting. The trees in my neighborhood are just starting to change colors, there are plain pumpkins out on neighbor's stoops, it is just such a wonderful time of year. It was a day that made me re-appreciate living in New England. There is no place else to experience Fall. Apple Harvest Festival is going on. Katie picked up some Apple Fritters, and they are so delicious!! Sure, I didn't get them warm, which is when they are THE best, but they are still delectable!! I was licking the left over sugar off of my fingers. It IS a good thing I have decided, that the Apple Harvest only lasts 2 weekends, because if these fritters were around all the time, I would gain so much weight as I can't STOP myself from eating them!! I want Kate to pick up some more tommorrow, because once Friday arrives, the entire state shows up to get them, so you wait for hours and if they run out and you have waited 4 hours, you are out of luck!

Anyway, I am going to post the pictures I took on my walk around the neighborhood.