Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Random Musings on Randomness

Sometimes you get the impression that someone else does get what you are going through, even though you feel no one else could ever feel the way you do. But nonetheless, in those brief moments when it feels like you are not the only one, that you are not alone, it is such a comfort. It is like you feel a hand resting on your shoulder, going, it's okay, I am here too, you are not all alone in this fight. The feeling IS brief, at least for me, because I have a hard time imagining anyone else can feel the way I do. And for the length that I have felt it. Some people try to be nice, by revealing they WENT through it a few years ago or whatnot, but while I appreciate knowing you can understand the feelings, it is also hard knowing for you, it

is over. A thing of the past. Because for the past 13 years, this has been an on-going battle for me. And I know there are times when it has not been AS bad as other times, but it is still always there. So when is it my turn to get to say to someone, I get it, I went through it for years, but I am better now? It is just a little frustrating. I just had to get that out of me.

So, movies last night...yeah I saw ONE. Yes, I am serious. I started Saw VI, and I realized, as I have admitted I am a wimp with this franchise, that I hadn't read the full summary on Wikipedia, which I like to do so I know when I might really want to fast forward. Then I read it, and realized I didn't remember everything from the previous movies. And as thin a story as you may think it is, they try to tie each movie together. Saw I has been linked by a situation or person all the way to Saw VI. So I had to read up on ALL the Saw movies. And then, that was when one of my conditions set in. I felt an overwhelming NEED to have someone else GET what was going on on the franchise. Not all the gory details, but what is going on with the killer, and his proteges and all that crap. So, it could be my OCD, or it could have been me be

ing Manic from my Bi Polar, who can tell the difference?!! But one of them, or both, had me typing away, I used wikipedia's summaries, but some of the stuff wasn't in the descriptions and some of it was too much info. I knew it would be my Mom I would need to have a basic understanding of this franchise, so I deleted most of the really gory unnecessary crap. I would write, and here a trap happened for like 5 people and it was many traps...then just say how it ended if it was important to the storyline or just say and on to the next part of the story. So I was up Manic or OCD all night getting this ready and printed. Finished at about 5 am. So yeah I didn't see any of the GOOD movies! I wanted to watch Saw VI first to get it over with. I just need to know Jigsaw's full agenda and if all the bad guys are caught. But apparently I will have to wait for Saw VII, which is a green light, and they say it will most likely be the last. I DO think it is time already. Tobin Bell's character has been dead since Saw III!

I just was watching Keeping Up with the Kardashians, yes I do watch it, but OCCASIONALLY. But they agreed to do boxing for charity, it was supposed to be good clean fun, but Rob was beaten the crap out of. His protective mask came off twice and the second time, he was on the ground and the guy continued beating him for 7 seconds. No one stopped him. I am just saying, if I was a celebrity, even for notoriety like these people, I would NEVER volunteer to be beaten up and TRUST that normal people would not want to beat the crap out of me!! Idiots! I have to say I was proud Kim went in and did it after what happened to her brother, but a girl who is dying was there to see Kim, so Kim felt if this girl could fight for her LIFE for 2 years now, she could fight for charity. Kim is a wimp though, and her Mom was all, enough!! But she went all the way through the match, so good for her. I don't like her much though. I like Khloe for some odd reason.

You know how people will say about a person, of she is a high-spirited girl or whatever? I suddenly feel like I have had all the spirit drained out of me. And that, that spirit, is what makes a person. Makes them who they are, makes them interesting, makes them unique, all of that. And I don't have any spirit left, so what does that make me? I am like an empty shell of what a person is supposed to be and there is just no way to re-grow that spirit. I can see that at least. I am not interesting, not particularly a funny or vivacious personality. I am just this. A shell of a person who has kept on holding on, waiting for the day when all the promises of things getting better would come true. And that day is never arriving and I find it hard to accept, yet I also find in inevitable. Things have been a certain way for so long, the likelihood of such a huge change, as it would have to be, is quite unlikely. So this is my life. A broken spirit in an empty shell, who people just look on as the depressing girl, and I just can't help that. I could pretend I suppose, to be all bubbly and happy. But remember that blog romance of the Mormon girl in love with her RM BFF? It would be like that. All my stories and posts, would be fictional. I could do that, I think I could write fiction. I won Whitney's Glade Lady contest and was in the running with my Palm Reading Halloween story, got a prize...I think. So I could totally write my life as it maybe should be. But wouldn't that be even worse than being the depressed girl blogger? Being the lying blogger?

I don't know, I all of a sudden after a short break from my post had to write this part down too. It stemmed from feeling like someone could lie to me and it was alright. It made me feel...insignificant and unimportant. Just a lot of lousy emotions I don't need, but can't ever to seem to shake for long. It made me feel like I didn't matter. That promises made to me, are just not that big of a deal. Like I am worthless. And that feeling is painful. I am so tired of pain. Shouldn't it be tired of me? After all these years? When will it be my turn to just be...okay?

post signature

6 meaningful meanderings:

Yaya said...

Do you have support groups there? There are support groups for nearly everything here. I LOVE support group meetings where you walk into a room and everyone 'gets' you immediately. It's a great feeling.

mama-face said...

Oh, Wendy. I wouldn't dare say that I understand completely what you feel; but I can relate to a lot of your feelings. I think you know this already. I don't think your blog should be anything but honest.

I want to scratch out the eyeballs of someone who tells me "I was depressed ONCE and this is what worked for me and I totally understand". Then there's the pray your way out guilt trip. I could go on and on. And the empty shell...I had this going on something fierce yesterday.

I find myself telling my children I know how they feel. I wonder if that is different. I have a feeling it isn't all that much.

Take care. I think of you often.

Intense Guy said...

Like Yaya says, there ARE people that actually do understand how you feel... and their presence and the just knowing "you aren't alone" is a powerful boost.

I too, feel like an empty shell a lot of times - and in fact, frightened someone last week by saying, "I'm ready to go (meaning die) now. I've done what I am going to do, nothing's left for me".

Something freaky happened a little later, I got a phone call telling me my Dad had called 9-1-1 and had a heart attack - my life changed in a flash... and those changes can go either way (you COULD win the lottery, not likely maybe, but you COULD...) So until it's over (life) it's not over... and you never know what might lie around the corner.

Lee said...

I can relate to you, even if I don't know exactly how you feel.

I am very emotionally unstable, and most people don't understand. They think I'm just crying about it, etc. etc. etc.

Today I had a HORRIBLE migraine, and my coworker told me to "leave my personal problems at home". No one ever understands.

Izzy said...

I wonder if its just me but I notice the last few days have been kinda craptastic all around for everyone :( I'm sorry for what your going thru its always hard even if its something you can relate to because theres small differences and that kinda makes it impossible to fully grasp.
as far as saw movies they are strange tho I do want to own the Jigsaw doll, i cant ever watch IT! clowns scare me it makes no sense but whatever >_<

hope you start feeling better the weekend is just aroundthe corner.
^_^

Toriz said...

Since I'm not you, and since I'm not going through exactly what you are, I obviously don't fully understand what you're going through. I do, however, understand your comment about how you wish it was your turn to be, "OK now." People always say that they understand, or that they went through it but are fine now, so you will be soon. But nobody can fully understand, and sometimes people aren't fully OK. Sometimes people spend their whole lives suffering - or so much of their lives that it might as well be their whole lives - and are never completely OK. And even the same conditions are different for different people. But most people don't get that.

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