Tuesday, January 5, 2010

OCD New Year

Sorry I have been MIA on my blog and commenting on your blogs. I have been having a really hard time with my OCD since the New Year started. It figures it is time to start anew, and I am racked with obsessive tendencies.

If it isn't one thing, it is another. When I finish one night of HAVING to do something, the next night seems to find something else to be compulsive about. Even if it is "stupid" or "lame". I don't feel like going into detail, but it was bad the last 2 nights.

Something stupid got stuck in my mind so I HAD to do it, and all of it. Only it was a much bigger "project" than I had ever imagined, so Saturday night I worked on it from around midnight to 7:30 am...and I was FAR, so FAR from being done. But I was finally able to stop myself.

Last night though as I started about 11:30pm, and time went by so fast, but in a dragging way for me, I realized I was going to either have to push this onto ANOTHER night or finish it somehow and I knew to finish it, would be not a good thing...but when I thought of having to work on this silly (I know it is, but when you are OCD and a thought won't get out, if you are weak like me, you let the ocd take control) project on another night, I got the hot-cold flush I only get when things are BAD, I mean really bad or scary people. So I knew I would not stop until I was totally done. My Mom finally understood when I told her about that feeling and how upset I was, that I just needed it to be done. But I didn't finish until 12:30 pm. Yeah I was sitting in the same position doing this STUPID thing for 13 hours. And I KNEW I didn't WANT to be doing it. I know that will sound odd to most of you, needing to do something you don't want to be doing, but it is very much a part of the disorder. I don't have a good handle on this disorder, I admit it. Not lately anyway.

So when I was finally done, I called my Mom at work, ...and I sobbed on the phone. She understood I didn't want to do what I had been doing, but that it would haunt me, if I didn't do it, do it then, and finish it. I know it sounds very contrary and opposing thoughts, and maybe jumbled and confusing. Well add all that up together and you may understand one aspect of living inside my head. That is why the last few days have been so scary. I feel so out of control and if I even THINK, I will get something else stuck inside my head and I am so tired of this. I had to stop for a minute right then when I typed the last sentence as I could feel the tears welling. I am so tired of being...well essentially, me. It is too much, these last few days have felt like my own personal hell, and I am just so exhausted with it all.

My Mom made me PINKY SWEAR tonight, that I won't DO anything other than relax and stuff. I told her I needed to blog and see if my friends were okay. But otherwise I am only allowed to watch the tv and play online Scene It. Stuff I normally enjoy. Because I admit it, I am a basket case and I am scared. I feel like I am losing it, and that is scarier than anything.

I don't mean to be a downer, but I needed to get this off my chest. Maybe writing it out, will release some of the burden from my load. That would be nice, I feel like I am suffocating under this load. A little breathing room could be nice.

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9 meaningful meanderings:

Izzy said...

Awwww dang that sounds crappy, i know what its all about i had a best friend in high school who was OCD she hated it and I tried to help her not freak out when she didnt want to walk thru the entry 16 times every day before going ito the school or her obsession with 30 little cups of ketchup... if it wasnt n a cup she had to get 16 packets... thought logically thats alot less ketchup than what the little cups hold... whatever thats aside from the point... my point is i really understand what your going thru and I'm sorry about it :(

have you perhaps thought about doing something crafty to tak up that time instead of doing whatever it was you did... you were vague about what it was :/

ummm i dont really know what advice to give to you about it thas the sad part but if you ever want to alk about it you got my e mail and you can chat with me and i can try and help ya out if you wuld like?

and yeah i was cought way off guard by Mr. Rathbones appearance because last time I saw a pic his hair was a brown and now is black...
hes my future husband XDI love him alot jasper is my fave I even told him that and he gave me a big hug and giggled and made my book special :P
my grandma totally loves his smile and thinks hes just really sexy XD i like his green eyes...
ill have to load the better pic its more clear i was just rushing there for no enlarged pic link things :/ sorry

everything with me is well andI missed you but now I know why an yeah like i said just talk to me if you need someone to chat with okay ^_^

*Big Huggs for my fave Wendy*

Toriz said...

I don't have any words of wisdom, but wanted to send you some hugs, since it sounds as though you could do with some. So... *Hugs*

Here's hoping you have some good days, where your OCD is under control, and you're only doing things you really want to be doing.

Sheri said...

Sorry to hear that the OCD is awful for you right now. I hope that it gets better for you soon. ::hugs::

ramsam said...

I noticed I had to manually click over anytime I came over! I will update this address....so much easier to come over off the list!

Anyway, try to have a good new year- sometimes naming the issues makes it easier to cope and overcome them!

ramsam said...

I noticed I had to manually click over anytime I came over! I will update this address....so much easier to come over off the list!

Anyway, try to have a good new year- sometimes naming the issues makes it easier to cope and overcome them!

Lee said...

*hugs* I'm sorry you've been having trouble. I know how you feel. My OCD about my fear has been coming back and now it's consuming my thoughts. It's making life miserable.

TeeTee said...

i'm sorry!
i hope everything gets better soon!

Anonymous said...

I completely understand. I have severe OCD which is mostly kept under control with lexapro. But when I get stressed it pops back up something fierce. Before I got on meds I would have nights where I would sleep in front of the stove because I kept checking to see if it was turned off. So nothing about your OCD sounds "stupid" to me.

Constance Marie said...

Oh Wendy, I'm sorry! That's so difficult and scary. I used to suffer from OCD but not to the same degree as you. Take my advice and never, ever read a book on getting over OCD. It makes it worse, not better, because it puts more ideas into your head about what else to obsess about.

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