Sorry I have been MIA on my blog and commenting on your blogs. I have been having a really hard time with my OCD since the New Year started. It figures it is time to start anew, and I am racked with obsessive tendencies.
If it isn't one thing, it is another. When I finish one night of HAVING to do something, the next night seems to find something else to be compulsive about. Even if it is "stupid" or "lame". I don't feel like going into detail, but it was bad the last 2 nights.
Something stupid got stuck in my mind so I HAD to do it, and all of it. Only it was a much bigger "project" than I had ever imagined, so Saturday night I worked on it from around midnight to 7:30 am...and I was FAR, so FAR from being done. But I was finally able to stop myself.
Last night though as I started about 11:30pm, and time went by so fast, but in a dragging way for me, I realized I was going to either have to push this onto ANOTHER night or finish it somehow and I knew to finish it, would be not a good thing...but when I thought of having to work on this silly (I know it is, but when you are OCD and a thought won't get out, if you are weak like me, you let the ocd take control) project on another night, I got the hot-cold flush I only get when things are BAD, I mean really bad or scary people. So I knew I would not stop until I was totally done. My Mom finally understood when I told her about that feeling and how upset I was, that I just needed it to be done. But I didn't finish until 12:30 pm. Yeah I was sitting in the same position doing this STUPID thing for 13 hours. And I KNEW I didn't WANT to be doing it. I know that will sound odd to most of you, needing to do something you don't want to be doing, but it is very much a part of the disorder. I don't have a good handle on this disorder, I admit it. Not lately anyway.
So when I was finally done, I called my Mom at work, ...and I sobbed on the phone. She understood I didn't want to do what I had been doing, but that it would haunt me, if I didn't do it, do it then, and finish it. I know it sounds very contrary and opposing thoughts, and maybe jumbled and confusing. Well add all that up together and you may understand one aspect of living inside my head. That is why the last few days have been so scary. I feel so out of control and if I even THINK, I will get something else stuck inside my head and I am so tired of this. I had to stop for a minute right then when I typed the last sentence as I could feel the tears welling. I am so tired of being...well essentially, me. It is too much, these last few days have felt like my own personal hell, and I am just so exhausted with it all.
My Mom made me PINKY SWEAR tonight, that I won't DO anything other than relax and stuff. I told her I needed to blog and see if my friends were okay. But otherwise I am only allowed to watch the tv and play online Scene It. Stuff I normally enjoy. Because I admit it, I am a basket case and I am scared. I feel like I am losing it, and that is scarier than anything.
I don't mean to be a downer, but I needed to get this off my chest. Maybe writing it out, will release some of the burden from my load. That would be nice, I feel like I am suffocating under this load. A little breathing room could be nice.