Never Answers

Sorry I didn't post yesterday, but when you have a manic panic attack from around 11pm to 4 am in the morning, you are so raw from crying, you can barely move from the exhaustion. I never even turned on my computer, I was drained. It had been a bad day to begin with.

I went to see my doctor, hoping as I have been, that he would have some answers for me. All I wanted was answers, if that meant surgery, I was willing to accept that. But I didn't get answers. In regards to any of the problems I have been concerned with. He said my Diabetes blood tests came back like an A+ report card. Well while I am glad about that, it does not help me understand why I am going hypoglycemic at least once a day. Even after a meal! So his big suggestion after waiting weeks, was for me to go see and endocronoligt. So no answers about that. He said while I am in a starnge group with my urine analysis, it looked pretty good, and maybe the endocrynologist would have something to say about that. Usually if you are a Diabetic, it is when your sugar levels are HIGH that you are peeing all the time. But my sugars are apparently perfect for a Diabetic, yet I have to pee about every 30 minutes. So he said maybe I should ask the endocrinologist about that too. So strike 2. Then we discussed my heart monitor results. Apparently I have an extra heart beat. While most people have 2 thump-a thumps in a period of time, I have three. He said he wasn't concerned (what the crap?!!), but if it bothered me he would up my Toprol XL medication. Which I am not okay about. I can be 2 hours into a dose and be having these scary symptoms, so medication for tacchycardia is obviously not helping me! So I might need to go see a cardiologist too. Because 3 strikes from my doctor. He gave me nothing to work with. I needed answers, you do not get how badly I NEEDED these answers. It was the one thing I was holding out hope for. I would rather have found something wrong, I understand logic, order and reasons. Feeling like I have been and being told, none of these tests indicate there is anything wrong is bull crap. My heart feels like it is going psychotic, backwards and making it hard to breathe. So I am feeling...helpless.

I needed one thing I could control, and I couldn't even have that. I am done. I feel like I am being torn down. Going to specialists is going to take forever to get an appointment, let along, answers. So I broke down last night after something else happened. It just was too much, I felt so alone and refused to talka bout what was bothering me. Partly was because I felt an odd sense of calm. Which apparently was a sham, because my Mom was able to break it down until I was sobbing, telling her everything that was bothering me, which included everything. It feels like nothing it right in my life. Even small things feel like they are going wrong. I order my flaming red hair color and they ruin the box in the warehouse and have no more, so I am going to have to try my hand at using professional colorists stuff. Great, not one thing I tell you.

Sorry if this is not a cheerful Yuletide post, but I strive for honestly, and honestly I feel like I have been broken down, and this time, it is permanent. I just don't have it in me to get back up to try again. I don't want to try anymore, I am done. I am so tired, and I know most of you can't understand depression or what it does to people who have it. How it breaks you down until you can't fight it anymore. I watch the Cymbalta commercials and I sob, because a commercial can understand better than most people. I did not choose this, it isn't going away. If I could have it magically go AWAY, believe me I would. Because I feel so hollow and alone, even when I am in a roomful of people. I just wanted some answers, one thing to go right, one thing to have answers for. One thing in my life I had some semblance of control over. And I couldn't even have that. I am in such a dark place right now, and it just feels like no one else understands that place. It is so familiar to me, I have been here so many times, it just never ceases to amaze me, that so many, many people have never ever seen the entrance to this living hell.

Again sorry for being a downer, a party pooper. But I want this blog to be honest, and this is what is in my head tonight, at this point in time. I am so tired, in my head, emotionally, etc. So tired.