Friday, April 23, 2010

Introspective...

Today was just a day. Another day, that falls right after the one before. Nothing special happened. Nothing good happened. Nothing bad. Just a day much like any other. Like all the days that seem to be falling one after the other, like dominoes before they fall. Nothing changes. It just is the same as the one before and will be the same as the one to come.

I am not one who likes changes. I oppose change, I fight it. I like things to stay the same, to be comfortable, to be something to rely on. I like the feeling of leaving something and then returning to it later, and it is exactly as I left it. I like this sense of consistency.

However, in some regards change is what I long for. There are certain areas where I beg and pray for change. I want change inside of me. Sure, there are things on the outside of me and around me, I would like to be different. But just to feel different inside my brain, my heart, my soul, oh how welcome that would be. I am quite used to the feelings of desperation, agony, pain, hurt, fear and so much more that has set up residency in my brain since I was 18 years old. 18...that was so long ago, and just when life should have really begun for me. Instead it was when my mind became a steel cage, trapping me inside it, burrowing it's way into every aspect of my life.

I try to remember what I was like before. Before medications began, before therapy sessions, before I needed a doctor for anything more than a cold or a tooth cleaning. And I can't remember. I try to think, what WAS I like before this all began, and I can't recall who I was. I know I have always been shy, always looking for true friends, always feeling not quite good enough...but what was I like? Was I silly? Was I a giggler? Was I laid back or nonchalant? Did I like to be alone? Was I energetic? Was I an optimist? Did I crack jokes? How did I used to think? Did I ponder or was I impulsive? I can't remember, not any of it. It was so long ago, almost a lifetime it seems. Who was I before? Was this who I was meant to become? Or did I do something to mess it all up?

It is like I truly am a crab (which is my Zodiac sign) in the way I rush up to the edge of the sand near the ocean, but when the water starts to rush back in, I run and hide from it. I want to experience that new sensation but I am afraid of what will happen. So I hide in my shell like a hermit crab, hiding from the world. A random interjection I know. But it popped in my head. I can BE quite random.

The days run into each other, nothing changing anymore. Nothing improving. Things can't get much worse, because I feel I have hit rock bottom. When you actively search for medications and more knowledge on some disability you have, that you will never be rid of either I found out, that is usually a good indication that you have accepted your fate.

So the days are the same, no change in sight. I don't know if I wouldn't run from it, if change presented itself. I am the perpetual crab.

Who was I? Do you think I messed up the plan that was meant for me? What if this was never supposed to happen? What if one single act I committed, that I am not even aware of I hope, altered the course of my life? What if I was meant for so much more? And does that mean I have failed? And who have I failed? Me, or God? Does God consider me a failure, or was this, all of this, my fate before I was even born? Did I actually agree to experience this? Why would I? I feel I can not handle this life, so would I have truly agreed to it up in Heaven? We were at the front lines of the war in Heaven, that is what I was taught, why we were chosen to live NOW. Was I such a soldier that I felt I could defeat this? So many questions, and no answers in sight. Should you really be wanting the Second Coming to happen, just so you can have some sense of closure? These are things I say to myself, question myself.

What do you think? How do you feel your life was dealt, and do you think you agreed to shoulder certain burdens? I know that my religion says we were not given anything that we couldn't handle, but do you all think that is 100% true? And how do you think these decisions were decided upon? Why did Joe S. get cancer? Why did Sue L. have a child with Autism? Why was Evelyn T. given schizophrenia? Were they someone special in Heaven? Did they volunteer? Did I step up and agree to my burdens because I could handle them, in the long run? If you have no answers, I suppose I understand. Maybe this is all just too introspective. But the words seemed to flow from my fingertips and just "happened". I am not asking you to feel bad for me or tell me to feel better. I honestly ponder this all. A lot. And I guess your true thoughts would be interesting to see.

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6 meaningful meanderings:

Toriz said...

I don't know how it was decided that we should be given the burdens in life that we are given. However, I believe that we have them for a reason. I think we are here to learn certain lessons, and that is why we have the burdens we do in our lives. Perhaps, when our lives are over, we will be asked if we learned anything from our time on Earth. And, perhaps, if we give the wrong answer, we will be sent back to suffer again. I don't know. I certainly don't remember signing up for the kind of life I have, that's for sure. The only thing I can think of is that they asked me when I was sleeping and I agreed just to make them go away and let me sleep. No, seriously, I didn't agree to this (and wouldn't have if I'd been asked) and I don't know how the burdens people are given are chosen for them. But, as I said, I believe we are here to learn a lesson of some sort, and only when we have learnt all of life's lessons will we be free to truely rest. It's just unfortunate that people like you seem to have a lot to learn this time around.

mother goose said...

there is a whole lot of meat here. I love your perspective and your insight on the hermit crab. LOVE it.

I know for certain that we could never mess up the plan or our plan, that Father already knew. I used to try to fool myself into thinking that I could fool him, that I would choose right over wrong or that I would choose wrong instead of right, and wonder if he knew I would do that, and the answer yes, he knew that I would make the mistake but he also knew that I would do what it took to get back on the right track.
I do believe that we can commit one single act that will alter the course of our lives. Like choosing to be baptized or choosing to steal, do drugs or murder, BUT the path is always there in front of us. Despite those dreadful mistakes we can always get back on the path. It isn't without consequences. Even for the murderer. He can learn and change his life. And then after serving his time and earthly pennance, Father will have to sort it out.
Ultimately, we will only fail ourselves. It's like starting a race. We didn't fail God because he isn't in the race. He is our cheerleader on the side lines, our biggest fan. and some will cross the line and others won't but he will be encouraging us all along the way and sad when he doesn't see us at the finish line but he won't feel failure. We will if we don't reach the finish line.

I think you were stalwart. I think your spirit then knew you could take on whatever darts may come your way. I think we didn't fully understand the physical part of our mortal bodies. I think we couldn't understand pain, because we hadn't thus experienced it. But, because we fully knew our spirits that would house these physical bodies we chose to come no matter what the outer shell.
I think we were fully aware of what we were getting into but I also think that the mortal man or being has such strong desires that conflict with what we should do, is what we have to fight against, laziness, slothfulness, choosing the better good over the lesser good.

I think I was dealt a ok life. I think it truly could have sucked depending on what choices I could have made at crucial times. I see where my life even after making bad decisions turned drastically for the better because I chose to get back on the path. I see how it was my choice to look the other way, or turn the other cheek that has saved my relationship with my parents. I understand that they will never see, that will never change and I love them for the good and I don't let the bad cloud that. They are on the same path as me, doing the best they can. Their best may not be good enough for me, but it is their best and I accept that. If I don't it would kill me and turn me into a mean resentful, person without parents.

I will not allow other people's actions or decisions no matter how badly or good they affect me change the person I am. This comes in handy with passengers at work, just because they are angry and swearing and telling me it is my fault, blah blah blah, I will not feed into their anger or name calling. I center myself and apologize and say I will not give you the power to anger me, I'm sorry for the inconvenience you have experienced. When you calm down I will try to see what we can do from this point forward, The past is in the past. Let's work on making this better.

Kristina P. said...

Everyone has trials and burdens they must deal with. Everyone. Some may be harder than others. I don't really have a lot of answers.

All I know is that all I can do is make the best of what I have been given, and can make choices on how to handle it.

Salt said...

Sometimes I wish that I had the answers to things like this, but I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. Even if those things that happen are difficult or painful in some way.

This post raises a lot of really interesting questions. I think I may have to think about this for awhile.

Sheri said...

I wonder about many of these things too, so don't feel alone in that at all.

Sometimes I wonder if I should go to therapy myself, but I don't (mostly b/c of insurance and well I don't want to be labeled with anything esp. going into a career as a RN). I know I was depressed in high school and really should have gone to therapy then, but I didn't - even when I asked to go - my parents didn't want me to go. I guess they thought if I did then they failed. I don't know.

I think everyone changes, so how we were so far ago we can't remember isn't something only you feel. I know I was different in say elementary, jr. high, high school and college, and even after college, and now back in college again. lol

I agree too that everyone (even those who look "normal") suffers with something. Some are more difficult to deal with than others, but everyone has some issues. Nobody is perfect, and I don't think anyone really expects anyone to be anymore.

I don't know if this comment helped you out or not, but I hope it did. ::hugs::

Amander said...

I absolutely believe we are not given trials that we cannot handle. BUT I do think those trials must be handled through the Lord.

I don't believe that anyone has "harder" trials than anyone else. What is hard to someone may be easier for someone else. We are given what will make us the best person we can be.

Our purpose in being on earth is to be refined by fire. To do the Lord's work. We cannot do that if we cannot conquer what the Lord has given us.

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