Today was just a day. Another day, that falls right after the one before. Nothing special happened. Nothing good happened. Nothing bad. Just a day much like any other. Like all the days that seem to be falling one after the other, like dominoes before they fall. Nothing changes. It just is the same as the one before and will be the same as the one to come.
I am not one who likes changes. I oppose change, I fight it. I like things to stay the same, to be comfortable, to be something to rely on. I like the feeling of leaving something and then returning to it later, and it is exactly as I left it. I like this sense of consistency.
However, in some regards change is what I long for. There are certain areas where I beg and pray for change. I want change inside of me. Sure, there are things on the outside of me and around me, I would like to be different. But just to feel different inside my brain, my heart, my soul, oh how welcome that would be. I am quite used to the feelings of desperation, agony, pain, hurt, fear and so much more that has set up residency in my brain since I was 18 years old. 18...that was so long ago, and just when life should have really begun for me. Instead it was when my mind became a steel cage, trapping me inside it, burrowing it's way into every aspect of my life.
I try to remember what I was like before. Before medications began, before therapy sessions, before I needed a doctor for anything more than a cold or a tooth cleaning. And I can't remember. I try to think, what WAS I like before this all began, and I can't recall who I was. I know I have always been shy, always looking for true friends, always feeling not quite good enough...but what was I like? Was I silly? Was I a giggler? Was I laid back or nonchalant? Did I like to be alone? Was I energetic? Was I an optimist? Did I crack jokes? How did I used to think? Did I ponder or was I impulsive? I can't remember, not any of it. It was so long ago, almost a lifetime it seems. Who was I before? Was this who I was meant to become? Or did I do something to mess it all up?
It is like I truly am a crab (which is my Zodiac sign) in the way I rush up to the edge of the sand near the ocean, but when the water starts to rush back in, I run and hide from it. I want to experience that new sensation but I am afraid of what will happen. So I hide in my shell like a hermit crab, hiding from the world. A random interjection I know. But it popped in my head. I can BE quite random.
The days run into each other, nothing changing anymore. Nothing improving. Things can't get much worse, because I feel I have hit rock bottom. When you actively search for medications and more knowledge on some disability you have, that you will never be rid of either I found out, that is usually a good indication that you have accepted your fate.
So the days are the same, no change in sight. I don't know if I wouldn't run from it, if change presented itself. I am the perpetual crab.
Who was I? Do you think I messed up the plan that was meant for me? What if this was never supposed to happen? What if one single act I committed, that I am not even aware of I hope, altered the course of my life? What if I was meant for so much more? And does that mean I have failed? And who have I failed? Me, or God? Does God consider me a failure, or was this, all of this, my fate before I was even born? Did I actually agree to experience this? Why would I? I feel I can not handle this life, so would I have truly agreed to it up in Heaven? We were at the front lines of the war in Heaven, that is what I was taught, why we were chosen to live NOW. Was I such a soldier that I felt I could defeat this? So many questions, and no answers in sight. Should you really be wanting the Second Coming to happen, just so you can have some sense of closure? These are things I say to myself, question myself.
What do you think? How do you feel your life was dealt, and do you think you agreed to shoulder certain burdens? I know that my religion says we were not given anything that we couldn't handle, but do you all think that is 100% true? And how do you think these decisions were decided upon? Why did Joe S. get cancer? Why did Sue L. have a child with Autism? Why was Evelyn T. given schizophrenia? Were they someone special in Heaven? Did they volunteer? Did I step up and agree to my burdens because I could handle them, in the long run? If you have no answers, I suppose I understand. Maybe this is all just too introspective. But the words seemed to flow from my fingertips and just "happened". I am not asking you to feel bad for me or tell me to feel better. I honestly ponder this all. A lot. And I guess your true thoughts would be interesting to see.