Do you ever find your way at looking at life, at people, questioned? Like, people think maybe you are overly trusting, that you put too much stock into what people tell you, because they could in fact, be lying to you? And it is not like this has never happened to me, being lied to or finding out someone I thought was a friend, was in fact, not. Heck, you can all remember how devastated I was when that blog about the Mormon girl in love with her BFF RM turned out to be a big HOAX! I was really invested in the happiness of this girl, and sent emails and made comments all the time, and it turned out, to be written by a blogger I already knew and considered a friend. She had done it for fun. So it was like being betrayed twice. So I know that my trusting nature has gotten me hurt. I do concede that fact.
I was talking to someone about a situation with a friend. And I ended up talking about it a LOT, because I was getting so upset just reliving what I had heard from this friend. And after awhile, I was asked, how do you know this for sure? And that stopped me. I was like, what do you mean? And this person said to me, look at the contradictions in the story you are telling me. How could this ALL be true? The person I was talking to had all these big gaping holes that I never even saw, in this friend's story. And wow, was that made me pause.
I want to believe that I am being told the truth, but I can see where some of the stuff does not add up. But I also think, that does not mean it isn't true either. Bad things happen all the time to good people, but some people do lie about them, or embellish the truth. But it raises the possibility, which is not okay. The fact that before I related this all to another person, that I didn't see the questionable aspects of the story, was confusing.
And that makes me question, how I deal with the world. While I definitely agree that I am a pessimist, I am not really a cynic when it comes to people. I tend to have my heart on my sleeve, and trust people at face value. Which I admit, has bitten me in the butt before. But I don't know if I want to turn into one of those people that is so cynical and has to have things proven to her. It is so confusing. There seems to be a choice here. I can continue as I am, trust people and what they tell me. I take it as the truth and don't normally question it, except for blatant obvious lies. (That whole Mormon Bachelor Pad? Yeah right, not even I am going to believe that it is all truthful.) But for the most part, I meet people in real life or even here in bloggy land, and what they tell me, I trust to be the facts. I choose to believe that they are being as honest with me as I am with them, and treat them as such. The other option, is to think that everyone has an agenda, it feels like. To be cynical and calculate what aspects of the story are probably true, and which are probably lies. To dissect friendships and friends. And I don't like the thought of that.
I don't like being lied to. I don't like being hurt. Or used. But I don't think I want to be the jaded person, who feels anyone can have an agenda. I mean, maybe that saves some people from heartache, which I admit, I would love to enjoy no more of that. But at what expense? Ugh I may be getting philosophical here! Yuck. It is like this question looming over me today. Which is better to be? Open-hearted or cynical? Is it worth protecting your heart, if it is also closed off? It's proving to be quite the conundrum to me.
Sadly though, I am not sure that is an actual option for me. You would think, being such a pessimist, that I would be more adept at telling when people are being truthful or when they are telling tall-tales. That I would be able to tell the sincere from the users. But for some reason, I swear it is ingrained in me, this viewing everyone with a clean slate. Unless they give me reason to not trust them, or dislike them, I feel I am being only...right, in treating them how I would like to be treated.
You may choose not to believe me, but I am sickeningly truthful. The OCD or BiPolar or...something started bothering me really bad with even small or white lies a few years ago, so rather than live with guilty feelings or feel just wrong, I don't do lies, which includes secrets. I know, you may feel they are so not the same thing, but to me, to my OCD, they are. And so I don' do secrets. If people want to surprise someone with having a relative or friend visit, they now know, keep Wendy in the dark too, because I have to tell my Mom everything, because the feeling of any type of lie, bothers something in me, that I can't begin to describe. If you have ever had that hot/cold flushing feeling from something that has happened, I get that feeling if it feels like any untruth was made. Lies just currently freak me out. Not that I was ever really into lying, it just bothers me to the point of making my conditions worse nowadays. Blegh, whatever, off topic probably.
So I guess it really isn't a choice for me. For some of you, maybe you get to choose how you are in this way and I would love to know if your way has really worked for you. I think I have no other choice but to be me. When I meet someone new, and there feels like their can be a friendship or whatnot, I am open-minded and my heart is open. Sitting there on my sleeve if you will. If you don't hurt me, I will treat you like a friend, I will believe what you tell me is the truth, I will rally around you if I feel you are hurt or need a friend, I will do what I can to make you smile. Maybe I should not be proud of being that way, maybe i should curse whatever instilled that quality in me, but I can't. Because of that quality or non-quality, I see it as this, I am glad I give people the benefit of the doubt. Because what if the cynics are wrong, what if by closing your heart off or guarding it, you miss out on something or someone really special, who will influence your life in some great or meaningful way? What if by being too guarded you lose that opportunity? I am not saying my way is best, as I do get hurt. Badly so, sometimes so badly I am not sure I can feel this way again, but I always seem to go back to it. Trust if you want to be trusted in. I don't want to miss out on something that could change my life for the better, so I guess I will have to take the heartache and keep looking for people who will treat my heart right. Sometimes you find friends who when you give them a piece of your heart, they guard it like the precious thing it is, and they give you a piece of theirs in return. Trusting you will take good care of it.
Sorry. It is just something that got into my head. It has been a hard few days, especially yesterday's horridness and emails with a friend in need, who I wish I could help. But it makes me curious, on what way you look at the world and its' inhabitants? Are you openhearted? Are you cynical or jaded? In between? If you have a better way between the 2 polar opposites I would LOVE to hear it. I just don't want to shut out people and things that maybe I was meant to meet or have happen. What if you turned your back on the one thing that was going to change your life for the better? Ugh.