Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Big M Words

It has not exactly been the easiest last few days, lots of migraine pains, lots of internal pain too. I didn't even realize the extent of the internal pain I was in. That is what can be so frustrating. I mean, yeah I know that I am doing pretty badly right now with my depression and stuff. I KNEW that. As hard as it is, I have accepted the fact that I am miserable and majorly depressed right now.

But I wasn't expecting there to be feelings buried deep inside of myself, that I didn't even realize, not really anyway, that were ready to BURST forth. Katie had a REALLY bad day at her new Psych Patient externship. Her supervisor that she has had for the past week and a half was sick, so she sent Katie over for the day to the out-patient facility where another Occupational Therapist Assistant works, so Katie wouldn't miss a day in her externship. Well, this other woman was terrible to my Kat. She told her she was dressing inappropriately, which was so not true. Katie had nice pants and a nice shirt and sneakers on. An Occupational Therapy Assistant does all the grunt work, that means helping people bathe, wipe their bums, etc, so sneakers are a must. But this out-patient facility, the workers wore elaborate suits and scarves and lots of necklaces...which sounds insane! You are working with Psych patients, sure over there it is outpatient, but what is to stop one from breaking from reality and strangling your skanky booty?!! Nothing! She just made Katie feel like this was so out of her reach, when Kate is almost DONE! She gave Katie a hard time about Katie's ticks/tremors. Katie has fibromyalgia, and though she isn't sharing that, and that IS her choice, you are not allowed to discriminate if someone has just lots of muscle spasms. (Update: Katie's supervisor returned and when she found out what Katie had been told, she was FURIOUS! She told Katie basically ignore everything she was told, she was doing great and, etc, etc.) Anyway, because she had such a bad day, my parents took her out to dinner to spend some quality daughter/parents time together. She didn't want to go, she was so upset, but I was like GO Katie! We don't get Mom and Dad to Ourselves often! And I went off and did my errands.

Except while running them, in the back of my mind I got a little bothered. It just started as feeling bad that I must be jealous. That bothered me, I knew I would have to tell my Mom, as I can't do secrets. Only when I went to tell her, I got really upset. All this stuff came pouring out and I was as surprised as anyone. I was glad Katie got the one-on-one time with our parents, but apparently I was hurt that after all my bad days, they hadn't thought that I needed that kind of time with them. I swear I hadn't realized that. I felt like my problems were being put on the sidelines and that I wasn't as important as everyone else was.

Which brought other things out that I knew I felt sometimes, but that I did not quite realize I felt so strongly about...if that makes any sense. It began to like pour out of me. That I knew I came last, and that it was fine. That Mom and Dad work, Katie is in school and Sam has had surgeries and finished school last year, and I am just me, and obviously, me and my problems have to come last. And it is as it should be. That it is hard to know that but I get it. This did not please my Mother and made her mad when I would say, "It's okay, it's fine". She did not like me thinking this way. But I am me, what am I going to say...it is how I see things.

I am not currently in school, or working, so my problems don't even make sense. I have no idea why I am so not okay. Sure, I know I have several disorders and the Depression AND Bi Polar working together are NOT a good thing, but there are no reasons behind why I am doing so poorly right now. Nothing changed, I just got more and more miserable, and cry ALL the time, and even that, doesn't make the feelings of worthlessness and self-hatred go away. I am a mess and I should be at the bottom of the priority list, because I don't have work or school or surgery recovery to deal with. So I was just trying to convince myself out loud that it's fine to be less important than every one else. And apparently I have been feeling less important for awhile now. I already have like no self-esteem so maybe that is why I didn't really notice it, but for a LONG time, I have felt like I am not a priority. Little things just start to add up for me. My parents agree I am doing BAD, so we have talked about adding a new medication to my mix. Mom was going to be all over that. That was awhile ago. My Dad was going to look into Penn Foster tuition for Medical Transcription versus other online schools, that was months ago. My Mom was going to get me in to see a endocronologist (we don't think going hypoglycemic every night is normal, or excercising and gaining weight, or peeing every 2 minutes, etc), that was also months ago. And I remind them of these promises, and they are just...sidelined.

And it wasn't until this 3 hour talk with my mother, that I realized HOW much this was all bothering me. How second-rate I felt, etc. I felt like I deserve not to be as looked after as my sisters. I feel like I am already enough trouble to deal with and they shouldn't have to do any more to help me. I feel like I am worthless. But I don't like the feeling that my family thinks so too. Which I didn't know HOW much I was not okay with that. All the while saying over and over to my Mom, it was fine. Even though part of me was going, no it isn't Wendy. Part of me was also scary calm and believes it. I feel like I have been put on the back-burner, because I am not as important as everyone else. That my problems, seeing as they are always there, are less important.

And my Mom is trying to convince me that none of this is true. But I don't have much self-esteem, so trying to believe her is hard. Supposedly on Friday, we are going to call and make appointments with my psychiatrist, and with the endocronologist. We are also supposed to sit down and look online at meds I may want to ask the Doctor to try adding to help me. And try to look at some other things that we talked about a month or even longer ago. And my Mom is going to remind my Dad that it was his idea to look at the tuitions and remind him how smug he was that he would do it unlike my Mom. Yeah, he shouldn't talk. So my Mom wants me to get that I am as important as anyone else, but I am struggling with that. I am not sure I will ever feel secure about that. I need reassurance a lot of the time that I AM loved. So...I don't know. It has been a bad few days and now it was 90 here today, disgusting and no one has AC up and working yet, it is April!!

I just feel lost. And lonely. My good friend Hannah that understands, doesn't seem to want to write back. It has been 4 months that she has been promising a response email, and she swears she will write me on "this" day but every day, disappointed. So I feel like I have no one but my family. And I am struggling to feel like an important part of the family. This all sucks. I am so tired of feeling this way, tired of being miserable and depressed. This is beating me, I feel more of myself slipping away. I don't even want to try anymore. I am just so tired. I just want to curl into a ball and feel nothing. Being numb might be preferable.

Sorry, all maudlin and all. But I am being my honest self. This is why, on top of my migraines, I have been MIA for 2 days. Lots of crying and feeling like a loser. I will try to be chipper tomorrow. It IS Maxie's birthday Thursday and we celebrate, of course! And I did love Clash of the Titans and never told you why. So sorry about the depressing post, I am trying to be honest here always though and this is how I am feeling. Morose, morbid, miserable and melancholic. Bunches of big M words.

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6 meaningful meanderings:

The Boob Nazi said...

Hey, you might want to make sure Katie's supervisor wouldn't be able to find your blog for any reason... Believe me, I KNOW HOW BAD THINGS CAN GET when it comes to supervisors finding your blog.

Kristina P. said...

I'm sorry that you've been having a rough time. I hope that the news meds work.

Jillene said...

Sorry about the migraines. I TOTALLY know how bad they are. Once--I had one for 3 weeks straight. No fun. I hope that you feel better soon.

CaJoh said...

Don't forget the biggest M of all— "Me".

… not me in CaJoh me, but Me in Wendy me. You are the Me in you. Find who you are to know what the Me is in you. (Gah, I hate this whole perspective thing) I hope you understand what I mean.

Stick with it and enjoy being you (AKA: Me).

Sheri said...

Sorry to hear all the pain and misery you are going through right now.

I know how you feel when it comes to feeling worthless, I'm not sure if I am depressed or bi-polar or just normal, but what is normal anyways? Sometimes I feel that way (often) because I'm 26, not married (not even seeing anyone), no kids, no career (going to school tho but still far away from being a nurse), etc. It sucks to put it plainly.

I'm writing your letter today btw, so be on the lookout for that in the mailbox. :)

I also sent you an invitation to write for AC (since I know you like to write too), I write for them and I think you would like it too. You get paid upfront for some and also get performance money each month, and you can write about whatever you want. :)

Toriz said...

*Hugs*

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