Thursday, February 26, 2009

Staircases


Depression can be like a really LONG staircase that you continue to climb, as it goes on and on forever. You can have a situation where with some meds, some talking and you are good, but when you are diagnosed with depression, etc, it is a continual climb up this relentless staircase that never ends. They tell you, keep on climbing kid, it will end eventually, you will get to the top, you just have to keep on trying...

Well the staircase picked me up, and not just pushed me down a few steps backwards, it literally picked me up and hurled me down a few flights of stairs, until I landed painfully on my side and curled up into a ball to hug the pain to myself. Things are getting stuck in my brain again, and not necessarily bad things, hey the Twilight series is there...but when you have no control of your brain, when it goes to places you don't want it to go and you can't escape, that is when it is too far, too much. Because then the fear comes. Was listening to this series a mistake? If I had ignored wanting to know how it ends, would I be okay right now? Would the fear that is making me curl into a fetal position stop? You see, maybe just in my case, once something gets me really afraid, gets really stuck, it snowballs into a bigger and uglier pile of....crap.

And I lost it. For two hours on Tuesday I sobbed, and all I could keep saying was...I'm so scared. Having a song stuck in your head, that is a common annoying thing, but when you can't even enjoy other activities because you can't escape your own thoughts, it turns into something else. And then the fear begins. Am I going back to where I was just a few months ago? Is this med even working? Should I get off of it and try something new? WHY am I feeling like this? Why can't I even enjoy this ONE thing, without being terrified that it is in there permanently, and will never leave me alone? And you get to a point where you are so worried, so afraid, so scared of yourself, that you (or it could just be me) implode. Black bile just seems to seep from your every orifice, black ugly sludge that is coming from you but you can't stop it. It's like an avalanche and the emotions and that horrible darkness rush to the surface, exploding. You sob, but the pain never leaves it keeps ahold of you clawing it's way back in, though you should feel lighter after a good cry. But it never left you, so you feel empty and alone and so very scared.

It's been a few months since it was really really bad, and I thought, that while I am NOT okay still, it might have gotten a shade less horrid. But it flooded back, pushing me further down the steps, until I feel battered and bruised all over again. And what does that do to my brain? I mean besides terrifying me, and making me feel like I am being punished? It makes me doubt the medications I am on. Is this new med doing nothing? Because why am I back to square 1 if it is doing it's intended job? But if I get off of it, what if it feels even worse? Because I feel like I just want to stop trying, to let it take over and do what it will. My Dad gave me a blessing, but it is so hard to keep the faith when I feel so lost. My Dad says He tests the ones he loves and trusts the most...why? If I did such a good job up in the pre-existence, why am I being hurt so badly in this life? Why do other people, who I see who drink and do drugs and have sex with anybody they feel like, why are they so happy? And I, I try and do nothing bad, to have the morals the Church has taught me my entire life...I am left drowning in myself, feeling so alone? How is that fair? Because as bad as it may sound...I am so tired of the tests. I am so exhausted from fighting daily against what feels like myself, and I want it to end. Sure, I want to be with my family for eternity, and so I can't stop the pain by doing anything rash, but even knowing I can't do that, it doesn't mean my brain doesn't ever go there. And then I think, okay, none of that, how about it being MY time? Why can't it be my time, so I can finally stop feeling so scared and be in His arms, arms that can soothe all the hurt away, and make me whole again, make me feel the way I did when I was...three years old, happy and carefree and full of faith that everything is right with the world? I am so tired.

I posted this poem awhile ago...not even sure if I already posted it, but it fits, so here I go again maybe.

How is it to be me, are you sure you really want to know?

That’s opening a Pandora’s Box that can never be closed.

It’s a simple question that deserves a simple answer.

Unfortunately simple and I have never seen eye to eye.

For so long now I’ve been stuck in a dark, cold pit.

Bloodying my hands as I try over and again to crawl my way out.

Digging my broken fingers into the dirty mud as I try to pull myself up.

Hitting the ground harder each time as I fall from different heights.

I used to think that things could change, that I could pull myself into the light.

But soon you forget what the warmth of the sun feels like, you even flinch when it grazes your skin.

The darkness has been my home for so long, I don’t know what anything else would feel like.

I’ve been this broken person half my life now, could I even be anyone else?

How is it to be me, are you sure you really want to know?

I’m not sure I understand, how can I expect anyone else to?





I am sorry if it is a dark post, but I try to be honest...and honestly this is where I am right now. Take me or leave me, this blog is a way to journal my life...and right now my life makes me afraid, afraid that this feeling is forever...and that scares me the most. Thank you all who put up with my free flowing words. You will never know how much it means, that there are people who care enough, not to give up on me as a lost cause.*hugs*

14 meaningful meanderings:

The Boob Nazi said...

I think of it as a dormant volcano. It's always slightly bubbling below the surface, and there's always the chance that it'll come back. Why can't mental disorders just go away like physical diseases?? It's so evil!

Yaya said...

Oh Wendy, I'm so sorry you are having a rough time. I do know how you feel. I've been 'slipping' back into depression recently and trying to hold onto the edge of life so I don't slide all the way down. Yes, it is a scary place to be. yes, the thoughts are consuming. It's horrible. It's debilitating. It seems endless.
You are not alone Wendy. I know how you feel. If you need to be in that place right now it is for a reason, and you will get out at some point.
I will be thinking of you and hoping that you are able to find peace soon.

Aileigh said...

Wendy,

I am stopping by from Yaya's place. I have battled depression for years now and can honestly say that it never goes away completely. However, when balanced with the right medicines, it does get better. Hang in there sweetie. Maybe you should talk to your doctor about different options. Just yesterday I had to call my doc to get a different med because I was having breakthrough anxiety. Hang in there! You are not alone! If you ever need anything, please stop by.

Hugs and Love,
Aimee

ramsam said...

I am sorry you going through a dark place agian. I hope it doesn't last too long!

One thing to remember, though- is all those people you see smiling and holding hands and enjoying life...well they have bad days, too. We all have dark places and hard times, no matter what it looks like to other people. Just remember that and realize you are not alone!

Mina said...

Well, beautiful poem, but that's not really the big issue here, is it? You do have a talent, though.

I don't know why God gives us the trials he does. It sometimes Does seem wrong or unfair. I do know comparing yourself to others is so false. You only see glimpses of others, never the whole picture.

You aren't alone in this. Other people suffer with depression and worse. My brother sits in jail for something he doesn't understand being severely mentally ill. Not that any of that makes your pain less significant. Because it's not right to compare yourself that way either. But I guess sometimes it's good to realize you're not the only one.

I hope you find some relief soon. You deserve rest. Take care.

So said...

I'm sorry that you are hurting so bad right now.

Kristina P. said...

Hang in there Wendy!

And those people who you see doing drugs and having sex with everyone truly aren't happy. They may look like that, but after working with addicts for 10 years, they truly aren't happy, and they are using sex or drugs to self-medicate.

in time out said...

hey you. I am so sorry. I love what you wrote here though because I totally get it and it is nice to know that others understand. i finally have momentarily pulled myself up a few steps but fight every minute to not get down on myself. i have to fight it. and it feels good to feel good for a minute. you have so been there for me, understanding my posts when i am down and cheering me on. love and hugs and thanks for being real.

rychelle said...

i'm afraid i don't have any answers, in fact, i have only the same questions.

do you speak to your bishop or a counselor on a regular basis?

Valerie said...

Hey Wendy I hopped over from Yaya's blog and I was drawn in by your post. I am sorry you are going through this. I have never really understood depression but reading your post has really made me realize that it is a lot more than I ever thought it was. Does that make sense? I mean I really just thought well she's feeling sad/bad. Your description of what it feels like just opened my eyes. I had no idea it was that bad. I can't offer anything to you but my thoughts and prayers. I really hope that you get to a better place. In the meantime know that people do care.

Alley said...

I think you should try this: every day get up and exercise vigorously for 30 minutes. Go to your job and give it a full eight hours of your best efforts. When you return at home, eat a healthy meal, pray for strength and get up and do it all over again. I also recommend volunteering. The best thing people who are consumed with their own challenges need to focus their attention on others. You go girl. Give it a try. Alley.

CaJoh said...

Everyone has an internal strength that helps you get up when you fall. Don't lose confidence in yourself to the point of doubt. Being able to face your challenges is never easy. Just know that because everyone is different— everyone has their own challenges that are different than everybody else.

Wishing you strength in this moment of imbalance.

Yaya said...

Been thinking about you all day. How are you doing?

Mary Moore said...

{{{{{{{{{{Wendy}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

You are not alone. Just remember that.

Been there quite a few times myself, and it's awful. NOthing quite like it. But just know that it does and will get better again. And remember that you do have people around you who care.

Take care of yourself.

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