LONG Sunday

I never fell asleep Saturday night, which sucked of course. It also got me thinking (okay worrying) that this new med is just NOT worth it. When my Mom got up for church I was a wreck, I had wound up thinking so much, I was a ball of frayed nerves, so she stayed home from church to make a plan with me.

We talked about this med and how I felt about it. I was like, well around 4 pills a day, I thought okay thoughts aren't sticking in my brain as much, but I was only not sleeping 1 or 2 days at the max. Now I have trouble everynight, and don't feel much better, and am scared a lot. And then I asked my mom, a nurse and the one who notices ME the most, and she said "honestly I think it has not done much for you, you seem really depressed again and are so tired from not sleeping". And it is true, I am so scared of everything (getting that stomach thing again, worried I won't sleep, etc) that I am getting very depressed, and I am SO tired of not sleeping.

So we went online, and the med has insomnia and headaches ( a lot of these lately and I am a migraine and daily headache sufferer, so me complaining is big) as 2 of it's side effects. We looked for other mood stabilizers, which is not a lot of options. Either you will experience weight gain (not gonna happen, I did not go through the pain of THAT surgery for nothing, that would just increase my depression, I am already worrying about weight) or it is going to increase your blood sugars, so it is not exactly reccomended for us diabetics. So that is so frustrating. Plus my Mom is still not 100% convinced it is PLAIN Bipolar II. She says she finds that I have more of the lows of Bipolar than the manics, I do have some, but I tend to be the polar opposite (yeah that was a lame joke) more. Don't get me wrong, I HAVE mood swings, but looking around the net, there is more than bipolar I and II, there seems to be specific categories of other things. So it is confusing. Do you trust the doctor who says he thinks it is bipolar from the few tests he has given, or look elsewhere? I have no idea, even my wise Mom is not sure.

So we made our own plan of action. The doc told me to half my depression meds, from 2 pills a day to one, Mom has had me undo that, back to 2. She, (tells me now) never thought that was a good idea, she thinks I have done well on Celexa and it has never given me a bad side effect. Yeah I have dry mouth, but as a diabetic I am always thirsty anyway. And we have decided to work me back DOWN to only 4 pills a day of the Lamictal and try that for awhile. If my thoughts still stay calmer and my sleep goes back to normal, then we want me to stay on the dosage, and we plan on telling him what we want of course. But if the sleeplessness continues and my thoughts being THIS stuck continue, we want to try something else. Some of my friends on here have saidm you may have to try a lot of meds before you find the one right for you. And boy I am believeing that right now. Because when you are scared of your meds...I don't think that is good. We looked into Abilify as one to keep in mind if lessening the Lamictal does not work out. It looks like it may raise my sugars, but if it is not raised much, I am willing to try it. At least I have seen commercials for this drug, I had never even heard of Lamictal until the doc suggested it.

Well I was a bad Mormon too. I decided since I was wide awake and so depressed I wanted to get out of the house and DO something. I decided to grocery shop. And my Mom, thanks to her so much, went with me. I needed some Mom and me time, it is reassurring. Plus she has been hunting for shower curtains, so we stopped by Kohl's and Bed, Bath and Beyond. Found the one she had coveted but they did not have (I found it in the wrong section opened up and it was the only one, woot! Plus we picked one for the "girls" bathroom", ours was just so gross. Now we need one this is not just plain cloth, but NOT plastic, and Target and Walmart failed us during the week so BB+B was it, and we finally settled on a muted tone one with leaves and kept the cute lil Palm tree hooks Mom had found. It needs to be shortened but my mother was a seamstress so as soon as my Dad fixes her sew machine (the bellydancer broke it...again...KATE!!LOL) she can whip it off in like 4 minutes. Then we went food shopping, so that is done for the week. Let me tell you, the store was crazy, I think people who wait FOR Super Bowl Sunday to shop are crazy. Lucky for me, using that scanner thing and being able to bag as I go, we only waited in the checkout line for 5 minutes, I scan the ending scan, my stuff runs up the screen and viola, I pay and we are done. Now since we were on such a roll, my Mom had us put the new shower curtains up in the bathrooms, and I was still...not tired, and got all I HAVE to dust my room. I use baby powder every day so my room, even though I am careful gets real dusty and when I dust, I really dust. Every item is picked up and dusted completely with a wet rag before being placed back onto it's dusted off surface. And I have lots of small things, and I collect perfume and perfume bottles. The perfume bottles are anxiety inducing, as I love every one and they are so delicate. I wish I could blow glass and make such beauty. And this made my Mom so tired of the upstairs being unvacummed. This is Kat's floor and she has been promising to do this...yeah prepare for it...since last March. I mean I have done my own room at least once because this is just wrong. And then when she had a month off for Christmas, it was I SWEAR I will have it done in the next 2 days...yeah no. So when we got home from shopping and Sandy was so proud of the detailed vacm she had done in HER room, and that her carpet was maroon again, Katie could not hide anywhere. And yes it was Sunday, but an odd Sunday for sure. So she finally vacumed, even did my floor, as I was dusting, which took nme almost 2 hours, and then I vacumed my room, since she did do my floor (yeah okay my floor has way less carpet but still...besides I wanted a very meticulous job, and when you want that, you do it yourself!). Sandy also worked on the turkey dinner Dad wanted for Super Bowl, while Mom napped. After my shower, I started feeling drugged. I knew I would not last much longer, thankfully dinner was almost done. We ate together at the table and I set up my zone on the couch where I have fallen asleep and napped in front of the tv (it is like white noise to me) for like 6 hours on other nights when I haven't slept for 2 days. A drink, lip stuff, lotion, a cover, etc. And Dad went upstairs to his flat screen at 8pm and my Mom, sisters and I settled down to watch a Ghost Whisperer on dvd, and I saw the first 5 minutes and all of a sudden it was almist midnight, I was alone with Nickelodeon (hey good for sleeping at night, with Cosby's and stuff on, good white noise). I had to pee, dang my bladder! Because though I tried for the next hour and a half, sleep eluded me. So I laid there and watched tv for a few hours and then took my Ambien and slept through my Mom trying to get me up to go to my room (I was too comfy I remember that), unfortunately for me my Dad was there 45 minutes later and LOUD. I dragged myself upstairs and laid there...errrrrr. Finally I fell asleep for a few hours but woke up with a BAD headache, probably a migraine as my neck and jaw and eyes were in agony too, and no matter which way I turned, no sleep. I went seeking Tylenol and went back to bed, and laid there in agony, switching pillows, to see if I would sleep. Finally I must have but then I woke up, I set my clock, I wanted to watch House with my mom and sisters. Yes you are thinking, she slept on and off ALL day-day and is complaining of lack of sleep? But please try and remember, from when I got up Saturday to Sunday night, NO sleeping. And yes my sleep scedule is WAY off due to being a night owl AND the trouble with sleep lately, so I have been able to use the day to sleep, but this is bad. Not sleeping like this, and having trouble even on the days where eventually I finally fall asleep is the reason I am scared of my med. So here is to hoping the plan I set with my Mom will work for me.

Sorry it was long, but like I said in the title, it was a LONG Sunday.