DOLLS....Survival techniques

I bought this book called "How to Survive a Horror Movie" back in March when I was in Florida. I LOVE this book, it is SO true, ALL of it, and it is SO funny! And since Halloween is 5 days away, I thought, PERFECTION! Because if I share in say January, you will all think me weird...and let's face it, I might, but it's HALLOWEEN on Friday.

So here is my favorite part thus far.

HOW TO DEFEAT A KILLER DOLL

"Sometimes Deadly things come in small packages. The World's worst pick-up line, but a superb reminder for anyone trapped in a horror movie. Dolls have always been vessels for evil, whether it's the wooden dummy who's sick of having someone's hands up it's bad place, the marionette that cuts it's own strings, or the childs toy that is through having it's buttons pushed. It doesn't matter if they're powered by dead serial killers, brought to life by ancient curses, or just plain evil - they have to be taken seriously, no matter how cute their little scaled-down overalls are.

1. Kick the crap out of it. Even if you're 12 years old, you're probably 5 to 7 times larger than your attacker. Why are you running away from something that could be imprisoned with Legos? Before you resort to the fancy tactics that follow, crack your knuckles, step in the ring, and take your yarn-haired nemesis for a stroll down Pain Lane. Rip it's limbs off. Pull it's stuffing out. Hold it by the feet and whack its' head against the sidewalk. There's a reason dolls have to rely on stealth and trickery to kill - they're not very strong. You, in the other hand, have the gift of brute force.

2. Make the Puppetteers miserable. You lost a fistfight to a doll? Well...okay, try some other tactics (But I don't recommend you go around telling people.)
The Film Makers have painted themselves in a bit of a corner. A slasher or werewolf can be played by a man in a suit, but a tiny doll faces them to rely on special effects - namely animatronics controlled by off-screen puppeteers. That means the bad guy has to be connected by a bunch of wires, and those wires need to be hidden. This severely limits the little buggers movements. If you're still running away (from a doll, mind you), these tactics will make it next to impossible for the tiny terror to give chase:

• Get Some Fresh Air. The killer doll's natural habitat is indoors, because it's easiest for the film maker to hide it's gadgetry by cutting holes in sofas or building false floors. City Streets and Grassy Fields present a whole truckload of problems for the effects department.
• Go For a Dip. The thought of getting wet sends chills down the artificial spines of killer dolls (and their Puppeteers).With all those electronic components, swimming is Suicide!
• Pick the Doll Up. Yes, I know it's trying to chase you down and stab you, but hear me out. If you pick it up and hold it over your head, there will be no where to hide the wires, and thus no way for the doll to move.

3. Emply Proven Anti-Doll Technology. Being trapped in a killer doll movie is like winning the horror lottery. Let's face it - you have to be an idiot to be kicked off in one. Imagine the last thing you saw was a Cabbage Patch Kid standing over you with a knife. Imagine dying with that deep sense of shame.

Lil' Randy (licks knife)
You're my best Pal!

You (dying)
I'll see you in hell, you son...
you son...you son of a .....

Luckily, you don't have to, because there are a few easily accessible weapons that no killer doll can survive:

• Fire. Propane torches, furnaces, ciggarette lighters - any source will do. Your attacker is made of polyester stuffing and cheap plastic. He'll burn up faster than a Death Valley match factory's.
• Dogs. Killer dolls are terrified of dogs, probably because dogs love killer dolls. Namely, shaking them around, pulling their insides out, and chewing their plastic buttons. And while dogs can be killed in certain horror movies, they're invincible in schlock-tastic killer-doll flicks.
• Toddlers. Of all the dolls enemies, none is more feared than the common human toddler. Falling into the hands of a toddler is a fate worse than death, for it means suffering through an endless parade of tea parties, nap times, and dress-ups. And there is not a damn thing they can do about it, since no movie would ever let them kill the kid off."

- How to Survive A Horror Movie by Seth Grahame-Smith-

And remember, "If you're under attack by a killer doll, simply kick the crap out of it".

Wasn't THAT fun? If you liked this, tell me and I will give you a few more tips on how to survive a horror movie.....bwuahahhahahaha!