Scared Silly....stupid doctors

Well my Mom thought it best I didn't take my Ambien before seeing Dr. Peters, so that I could answer any questions coherently. Only bad thing is that means I didn't sleep before I got to see him at Noon, being sick AND depressed(etc) and not sleeping? Not a good mix, I was like mush. And teetering on the edge, as my brain wouldn't shut UP. All I want to be able to do is NOT think about the things wiggling their way into my brain. I just want to be able to watch a tv show or a movie or be part of a conversation WITHOUT my brain straying to thoughts I DON'T want in my head. Not that they are bad, but here is an example. I can't get Twilight or New Moon out, my brain keeps darting to thoughts of it, and while this would be fine if my brain was even it's normal depressed pessimistic self, right now it isn't fun. I don't WANT my every thought to be of a movie/book, I want to sit down, watch an episode of House and be able to concentrate.Without my brain going to other directions.

So Sam drove me, as I was mush and don't really know how to get there. Especially since this summer the office building caught on fire, so Path is at the Sheraton furthere down the street from it. When we first approached the old building to go by it, I thought, what was so bad? Then we went by it and I saw the caved it ceilings and exploded windows, and was like WOW.

So we got there and waited for my Mom to show up from Work. I thought we were expecting my Dad too, but Sam talked on the phone and said he wasn't coming. (I didn't say anything then but was really hurt and Mom didn't bother to tell me until later that she TOLD him not to come, because the doctor might feel ambushed...yeah so that sadness was for nothing) So Mom got there and we found the rooms they were using and went in to talk. It's really awkward NOT being in an office so I told Sam she could go in with us, I didn't care, and knew we wouldn't be talking about anything she hadn't heard in my meltdowns. This was the worst appt. with him I have ever had. He doesn't really look you in the face, which I normally don't mind but today it made it more difficult to get my feelings across. He seemed fine at first with trying me on Lamictal, but my Mom urged me to tell him bout my thoughts. That I had no control over them, that things would get stuck and NEVER leave no matter what I did to try and occupy my brain. He acted surprised that I mentioned thinking they were bad OCD thoughts, he was like OCD? What OCD? And proceeded to say let's scrap the Lamictal idea. let's get you off all your meds and try this Sequil or something instead, since nothing appears to be helping you. I have mentioned to him before that I am extremely sensitive to medications and wasn't keen on much change and he was wripping that all away. Apparently my Mom noticed that I, well I guess Blanched would be the best word, because she finally (I was so floundering and anxious and wanted to hurl) spoke up. Reminding him I didn't want to change all my meds at once, so i was forced to express myself more, in a way I feel like HE should have been able to see.

First I had to explain to him I HAD been diagnosed with OCD and describe all my OCD-ish ways and he was like, Oh yes that sounds like OCD. Then I had to be the one to ask, couldn't the fact that I am SO very depressed and anxious be the REASON I am having so much trouble with thoughts being stuck in my brain? And he said yes that is true. So I finally, with my Mom's help, said I would rather TRY Lamictal first, and see how that goes, rather than scrap all my regular meds and NOT try a mood stabilizer. He was the one who had promoted me TRYING it for so long, that I was willing to see if stabilizing my mood, helped me. SO him doing a 180 just THREW me into a loop I was already in. He decided to lower my depression pill (yes worried), but I am still on my other 2 meds, and have to VERY slowly build myself up to 8 Lamictal a day. As long as I don't get the rash (ALL over your body and doesn't go away unless you STOP the med) he will continue building me up to that 8 a day and then make it the higher dose so there will be fewer pills.

Finally we left. I knew I was going to lose it so I tried to go into the ladies room...it was locked, I could hear a bunch of women IN there and they had locked the HOTEL bathroom's doors. So I walked out into the bitter cold towards the door, and I guess my face had been giving me away to THEM for awhile because my Mom knew I needed to...implode. I started sobbing, what if I just screwed up royally? What if this sequil or whatever would have been the right med to get my brain to behave and I...ME....just talked the doctor OUT of giving it to me? What if I had just made the biggest mistake...ever? And on and on. My Mom broke it down for me. Doctors do not reread your file,etc before they see you, nurses do but doctors don't bother, so this is why the man did not remember I have been diagnosed through testing with OCD,etc. That he did not remember my fear of change, my fear of medication changes. She said a nurse or plain therapist would know these things, but doctors never bother to study up on their patients. She reminded me I was on NO sleep, I was sick and on top of that all of this *waving hand at my brain*, so I was not doing well period. She reminded me I HATE the doctors so I had probably been storing up anxiety and etc, and on and on. Until I was...well calmer anyway. She told me this was what we had wanted. Trying ONE thing right now, not a handful of changes that would not allow me to tell IF something was working or not. If someone changes ALL your meds, how do you know WHAT is the thing that is helping or hindering...and yes she made sense. She said, this is why you don't see a psychiatrist when you are in this state on YOUR OWN. They can ride roughshod right over you because you are in such a fragile state. She had to leave to go back to work and Sam drove me home, doped me up on three NyQuil pills and I went into my room where shivering and feeling tired consumed me until I knew nothing anymore and just slept. I slept until 9 at night. So got about 7 hours of sleep maybe. I feel out of it, the NyQuil is still in me, but I knew if I didn't get up I would be awake in the middle of the night, totally alone and would just...think. Think thoughts I wanted gone, and yeah it is still happening but I got to see people for a few hours first.

So that was my visit today. I am still so scared I made a mistake, even though he admitted yes maybe stabilizing my mood would make the thoughts go away, but I am so scared I made the wrong choice...what if the other way, changing everything all at once would make my brain SHUT UP? I just want to stop thinking thoughts ALL the time, my brain is consumed and I HATE this, I can't enjoy anything. I prayed again this morning, crying, asking please please help me. But I am at the point where my faith is just not what it should be. I am too afraid I will be like this forever and I know me, I am at the end of my rope.

I am so sorry if all I have been is miserable. This is just where I am right now, and that is what I write, my thoughts and feelings, and they are...this. Me being scared, that this time, which feels unlike any other time, there is NO light at the end of the tunnel. That my brain will never leave me alone, never give me any peace. What if that is true? What if I can't think of anything else ever again? What if this is me....forever?