Yeah...burnout

I finally drifted off to sleep in the very WEE hours of the morning...and woke up about 3 hours later. I wanted to scream! Nooooo! I needed sleep, especially TODAY! So I lay there in my bed, warm under my plethora of blankets, for THREE hours...and nothing. My mind woke me up, just thinking about the movie I watched last night (Mad Money and it was hilarious!) for some odd reason and once one thought wiggled in, my brain just started chatting non-stop. I started to cry, this was not what I needed today. What I could handle today.

I ended up going to lunch to Applebee's with Dad and Kat at noon. Wow...I HATE Applebee's. There is no longer ANYTHING (besides dessert) I wan to eat there. I tried something new, a soup and salad combo, and it was gross!! Yuck, I am trying to get Kat to buy the gift card I have from there, since she eats there all the time with friends, and I want the money to take my Mom to lunch and a movie soon. I thought Applebee's would be good...I was SO wrong!

Since it is in the same square, we dragged Dad into Lowe's to see if he could find anything ELSE for Christmas. We found about $5o worth of stuff, so we were happy-ER. He also mentioned that no one at work carried a briefcase anymore, they all used backpacks. Hmmm. So Kat and I dropped off Dad at home and went to Target. We got my Dad a backpack and bought stocking stuffers for him AND for Mom...yeah if we didn't DO the work, neither would get ANYTHING I think. So presents for Mom and Dad from Santa, ALL set. Soon the horrid wrapping will start, agghhhh! And let me tell you, with the nametags, I always sign different names, Santa, Frosty, Elves, etc to mix it up. Last year, EVERY present I got? Santa...yeah no one else can put in any real work or imagination!! Anyway, I wanted to buy some Valerian root like Creative Artist Genius Girl suggested, so I bought pills. But really wanted the drops you put under your tongue. Plus I was hoping for some drops to wake me up. Sometimes i will have slept like 10 hours and I go out, maybe to see a movie, and start to fall asleep, and can't stop it!! but I can't drink soda and you do NOT want to see me on No-DOZE!!! So Kat volunteered to stop at Whole Foods on her way home from class. Target has NO drops of anything. We had to hurry home because Mom got out of work early and wanted to see the movie early. I cried a bit, the day had been long and stressful so far.

I was able to guilt Sam, so my parents and the two of us, went and saw "The Day The Earth Stoos Still". I liked it. I DO think the original, as hokey as it is, had a more fleshed out storyline. Keanu's character just was like BAM okay I can see human love now...does not happen like that. Maybe if it had been a little longer they could have showed him processing this strange phenomena and it would have resonated more. But I thought it was good. Not GREAT, have to buy it the day it gets out (like EAGLE EYE, December 27th PEOPLE!!), but a good movie. And if you have never seen the original, might be even better than my meanderings. The original is a fave of my Mom's, so I have SEEN it, LOL.

We went and ate at Friendly's after, but my mood was spiraling down into the darkness, more and more. My Mom sat beside me and gave me hugs as we ate. When we got home, usually we sit near the tree and just talk about Grandpa, but Dad said he had tranferred some film and videos onto dvd, so we watched some Grandpa. None of the ones he could find was really focused on him, one was a lot of Grandma, which was nice. But when I could hear Grandpa talking to Dad or whoever, his voice was just so familiar. Grandma's felt unfamilair a bit, but Grandpa's was just as I remembered. Rough and husky. I let the tears flow as Mom sat beside me, with our heads together. I miss him so much. It's a hole I just can't fill, still to this day. I just wish he were here.

I kept yawning and my Mom was like TRY to sleep, but a) I was too afraid I would wake up early and be on my own...again, and b) we, my sisters and I, were making the cookie doughs tonight. So I took a shower to wake up a bit, but while saying nights to my Mom I started drifting. But when I went downstairs, and they were all PLAY some Christmas music, I got into the process of making a quadruple batch of p.b. cookies (for the p.b. kiss cookies). Don't worry, we only bake half tommorrow, and keep the rest until we run out...they are my FAVE so I insist on quadrupling it!! Kat got the sugar dough ready, and Sam baked Grandma's famous carrot orange cookies (no we do not share this recipe, it is from our great-Grandma from Australia) so we could have warm oven heat and ice them together tonight. It was fun getting it all ready with my sisters. I was supposed to get up early tommorrow to bake, but my Mom says if I try I am dead. LOL. And we are expecting TWO back to back Nor'Easters so we will be going nowhere, us cookie bakers, so they are waiting until I wake up, no matter how late. Since I am once again running on empty.

I thought about writing my yearly letter to Grandpa tonight, but think that could be bad. I am not sure I could stop crying and am quite alone now...crying alone is so very lonely. So I will wait a few days.

Thanks you to all my bloggy friends for being here even when I am not feeling upbeat or funny. It means a lot.