Friday, December 12, 2008

Arugala...foiled again

I don't know if it the new med (Mom thinks doubtful since it has only been in my system 6 days and I am on a baby dose, which is one pill..I am supposed to get up to 8 a day) or my own brain being "discombobulated" (the term my Mom and I like to use) so very much...but sleep, my haven of NO THINKING, is basically sucking. I was up for hours after I took my pills, my own beloved Ambien did not work again! I ended up having almost 8 hours, but with the lack of sleep of about 5 or 6 days now, it does not feel good enough. I was already running on an empty emotional tank, so add an empty tank of sleep, and life just sucks. And there is only 13, THIRTEEN, days left before Christmas!!

We have not made cookies, decorated the tree, gotten Dad to shop for Mom, Mom to shop for Dad, gotten gifts from the heart (I think I may have an idea for a joint present for Mom and sisters, but still not Dad...and this one for the "girls" I don't know if I can get it done AND made and sent on time), gotten Secret Santa gifts...so MUCH! And while I was looking forward to Christmas before I totally sank into oblivion, now this all seems totally stressful and hard. And I don't feel the spirit because I am kinda sticking to the house most days (safe haven) and just don't feel it. I know it could be due in large part to how I am feeling..but I SO needed a good Christmas, and it is just not happening. Dark forces seem to be against me...

And of course next Thursday is Grandpa's anniversary...losing him anniversary, a day I do really bad on...so I have this bad feeling in the pit of my stomach, with how I am doing already, that this year the day will be even worse.

I put on my I Am A Child of God necklace a few days ago, in hopes it could act like a talisman, maybe bring some light into my darkness. Or keep dark thoughts and feelings at bay. I want to feel better so much. It doesn't seem possible. I am scared every day, more and more as each day stays the same. I wish I could be an optimistic person, sure I will be better sooner or later, but that is just not me, even when I do feel more like myself.

Anyway I still have lots of typing to do, and have to make myself get off soon, even though I am only in the C's of my gift...I am not sure I can do this, I am a 2 finger typer!! I am Peter Jennings!!

12 meaningful meanderings:

Deb said...

it sounds like you were able to finally sleep, so maybe when you finally catch up on all the sleep you've missed, you will start to feel better. hang tough.

Jillene said...

I hope that the necklace helps. Try singing the son and other church songs--that helps too!!

Mommy Madness said...

Hope you start getting the rest you need. Love the word "discombobulated"!

Mina said...

I think a lot of us have these feelings about not being ready for Christmas, and wanting to have a great holiday, and fearing we won't. We expect so much from ourselves to make Christmas some perfect picture of whatever we envision. And on top of it, you're struggling with sleep deprivation, anxiety, etc. Try not to be too hard on yourself. You're doing okay.

See if there is anything you can cut out, just this year. But plan on it before it just doesn't happen. That way, you won't feel like you failed--it was a choice. I have to do that sometimes, and it can really save my sanity.

{{hugs}}

Kristina P. said...

Listen to Mina. She is very wise.

Lee said...

Have you ever tried Lunesta? That's what my mom uses to get to sleep, and it really helps her.

One time when I was violently sick and went into her room to sleep, she handed me a handful of different pills and just said "take these"
Turns out she had slipped me a lunesta along with some other things. But, it worked!

stACEy said...

glad you were able to sleep!

have a good weekend!

The Leijte's in Vegas said...

What is the clinical term for what you have? I was a hospital baby all my childhood and way too much of my adulthood. I am 45 now, and doing better then ever! It seems your discombobulated brain is a chemical in balance. I have had that a few times. just wondering if you need to blog with someone about it. I have had 12 surgeries and many other issues. I am just saying I have felt like you are now, and it is so removed from me now, I can not imagine feeling it again. So you see, you do have hope!

CaJoh said...

Holy wow… a 2 finger typer— I am so jealous (I can only type 65 wpm).

I think everybody feels overwhelmed especially when Thanksgiving was so late.

Good luck getting things done.

Miss Tiff said...

I hope it works out...don't let christmas stress you out, I don't think that's what the season is intended for.

The Boob Nazi said...

Feel better! I know what it's like. Good luck!
The thing I hate the most about depression is that YOU are the only one who can do something about it, you know? That's why it's hard to experience this as a friend. Because I can't do anything to make YOU happy, and that makes me sad....
I'm glad you try medications and maybe some work because none worked for me.
You can do it!

Trying to Stay Calm! said...

I wanted to stop by and give you a ♥ (((HUG))) ♥ I just signed up to follow your blog :)

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