Wednesday, December 3, 2008

To My Friendly Stalks

Okay I am apologizing NOW if my comments are very non-existent in the next few days. Or my blogging is basically zilch or very short or a pre-done by me tag.

Physically I feel like crap on a stick. My head aches until it wants to explode, the throat feels gravelly, my nose and eyes are dripping, I am just feeling wretched.

Mentally...I knew I was in the evil pit of despair, but had no real idea of the extent of my own pain, until this evening. I got really upset after the girls were both just really cranky and rude and I was upset with my mom but we were discussing my feelings...my inability to cry even though I so very much felt I wanted to, but I just couldn't. Then Sandy decided to knock on the door, same bad attitude and make things worse, and I lost it. Told her to just do whatever she wanted and left. I ran down the stairs, finding a spot on the floor of the darkened dining room and started to sob. When my Mom came looking for me I tried to be quiet, not wanting to be found but as luck would have it, she found me immediately, sat on the floor beside me and rubbed my back, and I was gone. Harsh, painful sobs left my chest and I started to hyperventilate, I just couldn't help myself. My Dad found us, then Katie, my sobs so hard, they must have echoed through the house. But I couldn't stop, and my Dad wanted to know what was the matter...but I couldn't speak. The pain was just so raw and filled me, all I could do was continue my horrid sobs, intermixed with hyperventilating. Finally between gasps, all my fears started to escape my lips, ones I didn't even know had been on my mind, some I knew I had felt but not to that extent, and the ones I have been seeing so clearly. They fell from me painfully, and I was being reassured that I was not alone, that I would get through this, that I had before. But I don't feel that. My Mom says you never do, when you are in the midst of it, but the way I feel I just can't go there, and she understood. My Dad said they were here to catch me when I fell. When the fear of being so lost, I would never find myself again came to the surface, my Dad said he would hold onto my hand and never let go, which...from my Dad, it was just amazing. He often doesn't seem to get me, but tonight he was THERE, getting my fears, the thoughts that have been agonizing me, even though I haven't been aware of them all. We were on that floor a long while, my Dad ended up giving me a blessing which I quietly sobbed for, feeling worried, I don't know if you are supposed to be crying loudly still sometimes during a blessing.

Then even though is was way after midnight, he told me to take a 15 minute shower and he was taking me to late breakfast.....way late. Katie and Mom went too, I was so glad I still needed my Mom, needed her reassuring prescence. It was okay, until we exited the diner after, and the feelings of panic returned. Once home I took my Mom up to tuck HER in and cried some more. I am scared. Scared I will never stop feeling this way. My parents have decided Dad is calling Dr. Peters in the morning and asking if I can start the new med before we see him on the 10th, I think it is a good idea...I have no idea if this drug will work on me so I would rather get started so I can find one that works for me.

I am not supposed to be on here right now. Supposed to be watching this newer X Files movie and breathing slow in and out. But I felt I needed to make a quick post to let my friends know I am unsure how much stalking I can do for the next few days. It could have no affect or my comments could be few, but just so you know, I am still here, just not well right now...well haven't been "well" in some ways for awhile, but hope to at least be back to posting my thoughts soon.

I am extremely sorry if people now think I am a downer. I just write what I feel I guess and guess I feel I can be me here, the good and the bad...and the ugly. So don't give up on me, keep following or google reader me...I do change my mind a lot, so I may have a 10 page post tommorrow...or not, you just never know. Love to you all.

Wendy

P.S. Since I HATE to leave you with nothing to smile about or interest, here, a gift from me to you.

16 meaningful meanderings:

Deb said...

oh wendy, i am so sorry you are going through such pain. we'll all be here for you when you are up for it.

i love my watches and i wrote about them (and you) today. hope you can make it over to see.

take care of yourself. i am thinking about you.

ramsam said...

what a comfort to have your parents hear and understand you in that dark moment. You can get through all this stuff!

CaJoh said...

I am glad that you were able to let out those cooped up feelings and to have those you love be there for you.

It is through letting go that we finally realize what we were holding onto in the first place.

I hope that our support helps you through these challenges that face you.

Jillene said...

Wendy-
I am sorry that you are in such a dark place right now. You are very lucky that you have your mom and dad and especially since you dad holds the Priesthood. You were right in asking for a blessing. Keep praying to your loving Heavelny Father--He amskes all things possible. I am glad that you are willing to try some new meds and I hope they work for you!! You will be in my thoughts and prayers!!

Natalie said...

I'm glad that you were finally able to have a good cry too! I hope you start feeling more found than lost soon.

Marie said...

Wendy,
Ive been where you are ...You will make it thru, keep faith that you will see the light at the end of the tunnel!
Take Care,
Marie

Kristina P. said...

Wendy, I am sorry that things are so hard right now. I hope that you get the strength and help that you need. Your familu sounds amazing.

So said...

I hope that the new meds will help and that things will start to look better.

I think that we all have dark places that we go to. Some people just don't admit it. I was there a couple of Sunday's ago.

(((hugs)))

stACEy said...

I have a young dauther who deals with anxiety and just this summer, due to multiple chronic illnesses, my own body has stopped producing seratonine and I had my first and four day straight panic attack. It was horrible.

I learned so much compassion for my daughter during this time. I hope you find what you need medically.

hang in there.. you are strong!!!

Kristen said...

Oh Wendy that makes me sad that you are having to go through all of this. I hope this new medicine will work so yo can feel better you poor thing. Aren't you so glad for the priesthood and your Dad? He sounds like a great guy and you have a great family who will always be there for you. I hope you feel better very very soon!!

Michelle said...

Sounds like you have a very supportive and loving family. I hope you start feeling better and that the new meds will work. I will keep you in my prayers.

Annette said...

Do what you need to do..your bloggy friends will be here! I have many family memebrs that suffer from anxiety and chemical imbalances... I hope you find the medication that works for you! You will be in my thoughts and prayers.

Amander said...

I hope you feel better soon, Wendy. Take care of yourself.

rychelle said...

i think it's very helpful (and healthy) to take a break every once in a while.

get some rest. rely on your family and heavenly father. and come back only after you're ready to.

Mina said...

Wendy, I will be thinking of you. I understand times like these, I've been there. I'm glad your family are so supportive, That makes all the difference. You are awesome. We'll be here for you when you're ready to return.

Krissy said...

I'm so sorry you're going through so much Wendy. I want you to know that I do know how that feels, and there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Keep on keepin on ... even if that means you're barely crawling your way to the light at the end of the tunnel ... don't stop. That's a totally cheesy way of explaining it - but trust me when I say I've been there. Hugs to you..

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