Love Them Even More Okay...

Okay for me this is a hankie MUST, but it is my experience, so I am not sure if you need it or not. I have told some of you that Christmas is a good thing and a bad thing, and this is the reason, as promised quite awhile ago.

It's Christmastime, and one of my favorite times of year. But it is also a really hard time of the year for my family and me.I really have a hard time in December. And I'd like to ask people to appreciate their families, especially their grandparents this holiday season. Let them know NOW, how much you love them and appreciate them.This is why.

My grandparents are Noni and Pop, on my mom's side. And Grandma and Grampa, on my dad's side.


(left)Noni + Pop , (center) me

Noni died when I was in First Grade.She died on New Year's Eve. I don't remember her that much, and I worry what I do remember is what someone else once told me, or something from a picture I have seen. I know she lived in New Zealand until she met Pop and he brought her to America.

My Grandma died when I was in the third grade. We were very close. She called me her "medicine", and she had about 13 other grandchildren and even great-grandchildren, but I was her "medicine". When I think of her, I think of her teaching us how to make whoopie pies and scrambled eggs. I think of how she baked her famous oatmeal raisin cookies, loads and loads of them, before our families would take our vacation in Lake George, NY. We'd go camping and she'd bring her beachbag filled with cookies, and I remember how great they tasted all warm from sitting in the bag in the sun. And she'd play ring-around-the rosie with me and my sisters in the cold lake. And she had koalas and kangaroos all over her and Grampa's house. Grandma was from Australia, she's been Grampa's war-bride. She's most definitely the reason why koala's are one of my personal favorites too. I remember losing her all too well. I remember it being the middle of the night and my parents woke all us kids up and asked us to go downstairs. When we did he told us we had lost Grandma and it was surreal. I remember how the wood floor felt under my knees. How I was not able to grasp that she was really gone. We were so devestated. We sat in a circle on the floor and just cried. I didn't think I would ever get over the pain. She was so special. No one had a Grandma like I had. No one else's Grandma sounded like mine did. Her voice was moe distinctive than any of the other peoples grandmas I had met. When I was a child I didn't realize that she had an accent. I was a kid, okay. I knew she was from a place called Australia, a place with koala bears and kangaroo's, but I was too little, to get that the reason she sounded so different was because she had that beautiful Australian accent. Even now, I think her voice was unlike any others, and I do know other Australians.

In 1995, I was 17 and a senior in high school. It was 2 days after Christmas. I was home alone with my two younger sisters, who were 15 and 12. Katie knocked on my door and told me a doctor on the phone had just told her Pop had died. The three of us were crying and we didn't know what to do, we couldn't get ahold of my parents or our older brother. We even tried his girlfriend's house and talked to her mom for the first time, she was such a nice woman, she had us tell her what was wrong, and told us to sit tight until one of our parents got home. They finally did and we held my mom so close.She just lost her last parent. When my brother finally got home with his girlfriend he was inconsolable. He had been really close to Pop, as close as you could get I should say. Let me explain about Pop. Pop had been in the US Army for 41 years. He retired a Brigadeer General. He was really hard to get close to. He wasn't the most affectionate of men, in fact he kind of insulted a lot, hopefully without thinking, and sometimes I think it was actually supposed to be affectionate. He was a General, even after he retired. He was very distant, and could seem, well cold. It's not that I didn't love him, I still do, but that was just the way Poppy was. A General until the end/ Whenever we see White Chrsitmas and they sing "I'll Follow the Old Man..." it reminds me of Pop. He swore, said really prejudiced things, never threw anything away...he was a unique individual. I have only met one other man that reminded me of Pop, and he died last year. At Pop's funeral, people told stories that made us laugh. It was shocking to me to be laughing but when someone gets up to the podium and talks about going through Pop's drawers and there are 40 boxes of tin foil, 36 jars of Aunt Millie's tomato sauce, 10 bottles of Wishbone Italian,etc. and in the freezer?? Immaculately wrapped packages of meat, all the same size, with Pop's perfect handwriting saying what they were. The man liked what he liked, so variations were not in his vocabulary. So it was funny having his idiosyncracies pointed out, showing our friends who were there to support us, what Pop was like. Everything had to be in it's place. My brother mowed his lawn and did chores for him, that's when they got closer. Pop would stand in the window watching Mike work and if he didn't do it as Pop wanted Pop would go out there and yell at him. It had to be perfect lines. The bushes had to be cut perfectly level. He was a perfectionist. And him dying was a complete shock to everyone. He wasn't supposed to die. I didn't think he WOULD ever die. I though he'd outlive me. He'd been in the hospital so many times, but always recuperated. I have loads of memories of being in New Britain General's waiting rooms or in Pop's room, my sister Katie would eat the rest of his food from his tray, he hated hospital food and Katie still thinks it is actually good. And he was expected to get out of the hospital any day...and then he was gone. I really hate hospitals and the staff (sorry). My mother went there that day to see him after she got off work. No one stopped her as she walked right into the room and found her father dead. And I will never forgive the doctor who decided it was okay to tell a 15 year old girl her grandfather was dead, over the phone too.

A year later, it was 1996, and it was exactly 1 week before Christmas. Almost the one year anniversary of losing Pop. Grandpa was in the hospital, and they were talking about taking his leg, because of his diabetes. But doing that was supposed to ensure him more years. I think I may have been relieved at the time, not to see him, because he was a proud man, and to se him so...I am not sure I could have beared that. But then again...So I went to school that day, my last day of my first semester in college. I was so happy it was done, over for a whole month. I got home and no one was home. So I went into our den and was working on the dollhouse I was building. I heard my parents get home, and I saw through the sliding doors that my Mom was holding a little TV. They had brought it to my Grandpa only a few days ago, and as soon as I saw it, I knew. I flew to the back door and asked them to tell me it wasn't true. They couldn't and I lost it. My sisters got home from school shortly after and then my brother...we just all lost it. Not Grampa. We couldn't have lost him too. But we did. He was the last of our grandparents. I lost my last grandparent at age 18. I'm still not over that loss. Grampa was so special. He was a man's man, but gave out tons of bear-hugs and kisses. He had been in the Air Force, when he was in Australia, that's where he and Grandma fell in love. He was a trucker most of his life and later a janitor for the church. He wasn't a member himself, but he was okay with the church. Grampa used to "con" us into collecting all the acorns in the yard. Somehow he made us think of it as this game, and when we were done, he'd make us acorn pipes. He made them with acorns, straws and his pocketknife. And they worked with bubbles too!! Grampa used to smoke cigars and a pipe. Whenever I smell cherry tobacco, I think of him. I actually like that smell, because I associate it with him. When we camped in Lake George he was so patient with us. One of my favorite games was getting a bucket of icy Lake George water, and trying to sneak up on Grampa, who just liked to soak up the sun in his chair, and splash him with the water before he could see me. For years we played that game...I think he could see me, but he let me soak him anyway. And he had skin like leather. From working in the sun all his life, he had such tough tanned skin. He'd grown up on his grandmother's farm so I think he must have had it from when he was a child. It was rough yet comforting. He had such a big heart. He loved it when we hugged him and told him we loved him.

And then the doctors told my parents and aunt and uncle about needing to take his leg if they wanted him to live. My Dad knew that if he lost his leg, my Grampa wouldn't be able to handle it, my grandfather, also a veteran, was a proud man. So my dad told us later after Grandpa had died, that he had got on his knees and prayed, that if this was the right time for the Lord, then take Grandpa while he was still whole. And before he had prayed he had seen the "Footprints" plaque my Grandpa had on the wall, that's the reason that poem is so important to me. I miss him so much, and when I lost him I was so scared. I was scared he didn't know how much I loved him. I LOVE HIM. He holds a special place in my heart that belongs ONLY to him. Only him.

So maybe you can see why I really want everybody who still has their grandparents, to go and tell them that you love them. Tell then how much they mean to you. Tell them that no one can ever take their place. Because this holiday season, there are people like me, wishing for just one more chance to be held by their grandparents so they can tell them how much we love them, and miss them. Can you imagine how much it would mean to feel their arms wrapped around me, to smell their unique scents, to hear their voices whisper in my ear, just one more time? The pain never goes away. And while I try to hold onto my beliefs that I will be with them again someday...it's just not easy to wait. Not when you NEED them, not when you know if they were still here, things could all be so different.

Sometimes I get angry and jealous, when I see all these families with grandparents, and when they don't seem to appreciate it, it just hurts inside. Because I had been grand-orphaned at 18. And all I want is to be with them again.

Losing Grandpa was my "trigger" according to my various doctors over the years. Losing him, sent me over the edge, into the scary world of depression and medications and psychiatrists. But to me, it's like, wouldn't that have been your trigger too? To lose your last 2 Grandparents less than a year apart...it was really unfair. And I am not saying blame is put on anyone, a trigger is just like "the last straw". I just broke. My Mom got me started, I don't know, maybe 6 years or so ago. I write him a letter at Christmas. Full of what has been going on, what my feelings are. And it is really hard, but I like it too. I imagine him, in Heaven, listening to the words...praying he hears them and knows they are true.

And don't get me wrong, I miss them all. Grandpa was just the hardest loss and the last one we had to lose. We had our own special bond. Bonds I had with them all, but I had Grandpa a lot longer...and he let me in, which Pop couldn't seem to do. But they are all my grandparents and I love them, and knowing they have eachother again...well let's just say that thought helps. They were half a soul without their wives. They belong to eachother.

So...that's why this time of year is so hard, even while being such a happy time of year. I love the holidays, but I cry a lot too. And I NEED people to realize how lucky they are. Go and visit your grandparents. Call them if they are far away. But make sure they know, into their very beings, how much they mean to you. Because if I could, I would tell mine that they mean the world to me still. And that will never change. Because there will never be anyone else like them, and I will never give those parts of my heart away to anyone else. Please go and tell yours, what is inside your heart, even if you have one who keeps his/her distance. Screw boundaries, hug them close and tell them what is in your heart. They need it as much as we need to say it and have it heard.
Do me this favor this Holiday Season, okay? Make sure they feel the love, and know that they are not, ever, alone.