Nailgun me to the Head!!

AAgghhhhhh!! It has been a painful 48 hours!!! Sunday night I did everything as usual, and fell asleep around 6:30 am...my Dad was filling the stove so I went up to my bed to sleep. And lay there, my brain had started working overdrive the second I woke up, and wouldn't shut up! I tossed and turned and nothing! So I put my TV on, thinking the noise would lull me back to sleep. Nope. Then I put my spare glasses on and watched the TV from my bed, thinking HEY, it worked when I was downstairs. Nope. So I called up Mom, wanting her opinion. I figured if I couldn't sleep I might as well go grocery shopping. She wondered if it was the fact that I am taking Lamictal but I had no idea. So her idea, go BACK downstairs and do exactly what I was going when I fell asleep before. EXACTLY. I put the movie I fell asleep to on, snuggled under the blankets with Max behind my legs and....continued to watch the movie for the next hour. SO I called Mom again and she said go for it. I knew she was happy with me doing it, because she was going with me to see my main doctor because of my tacchycardia at 4:45pm and as there is no other car available, was going to have to go WITH me. So she was happy.

So I went grocery shopping...even went and did my Tuesday shopping, toilet paper and what not from Target. I got home and unloaded everything and put it all away...and it was only 2:30pm. And no, was NOT sleepy! Katie and Sandy both got home within half an hour of each other and Katie needed people to quiz her on her last 4 tests, because her finals on on Thursday. So while Sandy plopped down in exhaustion while I quizzed (she had an externship day until she got home at 3 and had class at 6pm for 3 hours...yuck) Kat, time whirled by until Mom honked the horn.

We were his last appointment so no wait, SWEET, and I did my usual PEN thievery...I took 3 actually...since it had been SO long since my last visit...and a few magazines...what?? I am a compulsive sticky finger at the doctors, alright!!!

He came in, we congratulated him on being a grandfather for the first time, his daughter Janina just had a baby boy Aaron 3 weeks ago. And then got down to business. I told him my med was not holding up for 24 hours anymore, that I'd been having to double up increasingly over the last few months until it was like 5 out of 7 days that I was doubling up, in essence self-medicating. He decided I needed to double up every day and in one month if things are still bad, I have to do a halter monitor, either for one day or one MONTH!! Aggghhh! I did the 24 hour one once before and it SUCKED. That could be another story...or tiny blurb at least, so anyway...that what I am doing for my tacchycardia for now.

Got home and we had dinner and watched Bones...and I drifted in and out of consciousness. They all wanted me to take my pills and go to sleep but I was belligerent...and scared...I did not want to wake up and not go to sleep again, so for around 4 hours I drifted in and out. Then was like, MAN!! I have to pre-rent my redbox movies...and started to wake up. I went and woke up my Mom just too say goodnight, and all of a sudden, the fact that I hadn't unwrapped and taken off any stickers from "Tropic Thunder" got STUCK. And then I couldn't find it, and searched and looked, until I was on OCD trembling mess. I went to just ask Mom quickly again if she had any idea, and sat there until I freaked her out when she noticed me...oops. I didn't mean for her too, but she got up to help, seeing my OCD was bad, and she had mentioned what if someone had put it with the Christmas decoration boxes, where we were storing the regular knick-knacks, it made no sense but I looked, while she visited the lil girls room. Nope, but as I headed for the stairs I saw some of my notebooks and junk from upstairs and a CVS bag was sitting there...YES I had found it, along with my missing deodorants,etc that I had bought awhile ago! I ran upstairs, my Mom was asking Sandy who was asleep, and she went back downstairs with me and hugged me and told me to calm down as I babbled apologies. She told me that I am already so OCD lately and am running on no sleep, so she tried to calm me down, but I was trembling. SO she started craving warm chocolate milk, so she sat with me for about 15 minutes, until I was a bit better and she was finished with her milk. She MADE me take my pills right then at 4am and I was gone soon after.

She woke me about 4 hours later and I rushed upstairs tired but my brain was getting a lil awake so I was worried. She told me to settle down and try...and after maybe 20 minutes I was gone again, waking a few times, but slept until 8 pm!!! Hey I was making up TWO nights of sleep! I had to tear down to the Redbox, because I thought Kat had picked them up and I had only 20 minutes left before they could charge me AND give my movies away!! So I watched Dark Night (man it is LONGER than I remembered and not as good as the first time) and Horton Hears A Who (cute).

Only one thing bugged me so my night was frustrating. My internet wouldn't work!! ALL night I tried! And it didn't make sense since the main computer worked and I don't have all my bookmarks and stuff set up on there, so I had to wait. My Dad turned the router on and then off and VOILA it is finally working...obviously. But I am extremely bad it is after 10am but I HAD to post so no one thought I was dead or anything...mmm I was gonna say something but feared I'd be smacked upside the head through the computer by all my wonderful bloggy buddies.

It has been absolutely a stressful 48 hours, add the whole doing really crappy and brain never shutting up when I am awake...and you can plainly see, life sucks right now.

So seriously, anyone wanna take a nail gun or something and bash my brain in, so all I feel is sweet oblivion....man I should take my pills...HEY!! I didn't get up until 8pm and you now know why...mostly...so gimme a break. I shall take them right now, I will have to comment on YOUR posts tommorrow OKAY?, and lay down to fall asleep! Good Morning, Good Evening and Goodnight!!

Scared Silly....stupid doctors

Well my Mom thought it best I didn't take my Ambien before seeing Dr. Peters, so that I could answer any questions coherently. Only bad thing is that means I didn't sleep before I got to see him at Noon, being sick AND depressed(etc) and not sleeping? Not a good mix, I was like mush. And teetering on the edge, as my brain wouldn't shut UP. All I want to be able to do is NOT think about the things wiggling their way into my brain. I just want to be able to watch a tv show or a movie or be part of a conversation WITHOUT my brain straying to thoughts I DON'T want in my head. Not that they are bad, but here is an example. I can't get Twilight or New Moon out, my brain keeps darting to thoughts of it, and while this would be fine if my brain was even it's normal depressed pessimistic self, right now it isn't fun. I don't WANT my every thought to be of a movie/book, I want to sit down, watch an episode of House and be able to concentrate.Without my brain going to other directions.

So Sam drove me, as I was mush and don't really know how to get there. Especially since this summer the office building caught on fire, so Path is at the Sheraton furthere down the street from it. When we first approached the old building to go by it, I thought, what was so bad? Then we went by it and I saw the caved it ceilings and exploded windows, and was like WOW.

So we got there and waited for my Mom to show up from Work. I thought we were expecting my Dad too, but Sam talked on the phone and said he wasn't coming. (I didn't say anything then but was really hurt and Mom didn't bother to tell me until later that she TOLD him not to come, because the doctor might feel ambushed...yeah so that sadness was for nothing) So Mom got there and we found the rooms they were using and went in to talk. It's really awkward NOT being in an office so I told Sam she could go in with us, I didn't care, and knew we wouldn't be talking about anything she hadn't heard in my meltdowns. This was the worst appt. with him I have ever had. He doesn't really look you in the face, which I normally don't mind but today it made it more difficult to get my feelings across. He seemed fine at first with trying me on Lamictal, but my Mom urged me to tell him bout my thoughts. That I had no control over them, that things would get stuck and NEVER leave no matter what I did to try and occupy my brain. He acted surprised that I mentioned thinking they were bad OCD thoughts, he was like OCD? What OCD? And proceeded to say let's scrap the Lamictal idea. let's get you off all your meds and try this Sequil or something instead, since nothing appears to be helping you. I have mentioned to him before that I am extremely sensitive to medications and wasn't keen on much change and he was wripping that all away. Apparently my Mom noticed that I, well I guess Blanched would be the best word, because she finally (I was so floundering and anxious and wanted to hurl) spoke up. Reminding him I didn't want to change all my meds at once, so i was forced to express myself more, in a way I feel like HE should have been able to see.

First I had to explain to him I HAD been diagnosed with OCD and describe all my OCD-ish ways and he was like, Oh yes that sounds like OCD. Then I had to be the one to ask, couldn't the fact that I am SO very depressed and anxious be the REASON I am having so much trouble with thoughts being stuck in my brain? And he said yes that is true. So I finally, with my Mom's help, said I would rather TRY Lamictal first, and see how that goes, rather than scrap all my regular meds and NOT try a mood stabilizer. He was the one who had promoted me TRYING it for so long, that I was willing to see if stabilizing my mood, helped me. SO him doing a 180 just THREW me into a loop I was already in. He decided to lower my depression pill (yes worried), but I am still on my other 2 meds, and have to VERY slowly build myself up to 8 Lamictal a day. As long as I don't get the rash (ALL over your body and doesn't go away unless you STOP the med) he will continue building me up to that 8 a day and then make it the higher dose so there will be fewer pills.

Finally we left. I knew I was going to lose it so I tried to go into the ladies room...it was locked, I could hear a bunch of women IN there and they had locked the HOTEL bathroom's doors. So I walked out into the bitter cold towards the door, and I guess my face had been giving me away to THEM for awhile because my Mom knew I needed to...implode. I started sobbing, what if I just screwed up royally? What if this sequil or whatever would have been the right med to get my brain to behave and I...ME....just talked the doctor OUT of giving it to me? What if I had just made the biggest mistake...ever? And on and on. My Mom broke it down for me. Doctors do not reread your file,etc before they see you, nurses do but doctors don't bother, so this is why the man did not remember I have been diagnosed through testing with OCD,etc. That he did not remember my fear of change, my fear of medication changes. She said a nurse or plain therapist would know these things, but doctors never bother to study up on their patients. She reminded me I was on NO sleep, I was sick and on top of that all of this *waving hand at my brain*, so I was not doing well period. She reminded me I HATE the doctors so I had probably been storing up anxiety and etc, and on and on. Until I was...well calmer anyway. She told me this was what we had wanted. Trying ONE thing right now, not a handful of changes that would not allow me to tell IF something was working or not. If someone changes ALL your meds, how do you know WHAT is the thing that is helping or hindering...and yes she made sense. She said, this is why you don't see a psychiatrist when you are in this state on YOUR OWN. They can ride roughshod right over you because you are in such a fragile state. She had to leave to go back to work and Sam drove me home, doped me up on three NyQuil pills and I went into my room where shivering and feeling tired consumed me until I knew nothing anymore and just slept. I slept until 9 at night. So got about 7 hours of sleep maybe. I feel out of it, the NyQuil is still in me, but I knew if I didn't get up I would be awake in the middle of the night, totally alone and would just...think. Think thoughts I wanted gone, and yeah it is still happening but I got to see people for a few hours first.

So that was my visit today. I am still so scared I made a mistake, even though he admitted yes maybe stabilizing my mood would make the thoughts go away, but I am so scared I made the wrong choice...what if the other way, changing everything all at once would make my brain SHUT UP? I just want to stop thinking thoughts ALL the time, my brain is consumed and I HATE this, I can't enjoy anything. I prayed again this morning, crying, asking please please help me. But I am at the point where my faith is just not what it should be. I am too afraid I will be like this forever and I know me, I am at the end of my rope.

I am so sorry if all I have been is miserable. This is just where I am right now, and that is what I write, my thoughts and feelings, and they are...this. Me being scared, that this time, which feels unlike any other time, there is NO light at the end of the tunnel. That my brain will never leave me alone, never give me any peace. What if that is true? What if I can't think of anything else ever again? What if this is me....forever?

Not My Usual Stalk...

Sorry I have been a bit distracted since Thanksgiving. Yes I fell head over heels in love with Twilight on cd, and have finished it and LOVED it. Yes it is better than the movie, in WAYS, only because the movie couldn't contain EVERY aspect of t, REhe book. Actually seeing the movie first made it better for me, anyways. I had faces to put to the characters and I think it made it richer for me. I AM anxious to get to the next book (on cd) but also wanna get THROUGH it, because I KNOW now that Edward isn't in it very much, from reading a blurb. Dang Stephenie Meyers for that!! So I am trying to give myself at least the time before I go to sleep and wake up before I start. Basically I "read" Twilight in the wee hours of the last two nights. Yeah I can SO read much faster, but I am not into reading books right now, for reasons that are my own. So I am very happy I was still able to enjoy it, REALLY happy I let myself, because it was excellent. I loved the romance of it all, and yes I SO want MY Edward...someday.

Anyways, that is not the real reason I have not been my usual stalking self. After the Thanksgiving post, I went to breakfast with my Dad, as I explained I was up (and miserable) since 6 am. Then we got back and I was laying on the couch, blissfully listening to Twilight when the phone rang. It was my Mom, and I was surprised, because I was going to call her myself in the next 15 minutes. She had decided, even though she is still so sick, to go into work, because she was worried at what would greet her if she waited until Monday. So I said (my Dad too) she could go in for like 4 hours then she was to wrap it up and come home. When she called, she asked if anyone else was up (she knew I was major sleep deprived) and I said...umm Dad...and Max. She was sad that the girls weren't up. I was like, I was going to call you, Dad wants you to leave now too. And she informed me that wasn't going to happen, she was NOT ready. I asked her what was wrong, and in the smallest, saddest voice that contained tears, she said " I need help". I was instantly awake and asked her what was wrong, my Dad listening in. She said there was so much work she was overwhelmed. I asked her if she wanted me to go and help her, and after a little hemming and hawing, she said YES. I asked if she wanted me to wake the girls and she paused but said no. She said to ask Dad if he would drop me off, that way only one car would be there and he agreed once I told him how upset she had sounded, just for that instant. So I hung up and got up to get ready. The phone rang, Mom said, Could you bring me a cheeseburger, fries and a drink, and sounded much more at ease, I asked Dad, he laughed and I told my Mom we would have it there soon.

SO I went, we did updating of who now owed her nothing (mandatory inservices and the 4 required IV inservices CT requires each year) and what not. I filed a few piles of records, when pain started hitting my stomach. I hadn't really eaten anything for hours by then, so it was weird. The pains kept coming, but I assumed they would go away or I would be sick, as was a tendency since the surgery. Eventually it got so bad that I went to the bathroom, hoping I would BE sick. But nothing happened, except the pain traveled up my back and up my front into my chest, making it hurt to breathe. I stayed there awhile trying not to cry as the pain was horrible. Finally I made my way back and she asked what was wrong and I explained. She told me to rest that she would be done soon and we'd go home. So I sat at her desk and tried to breathe through the pain, she kept giving me glances. The pain were constant though and would get worse, so my breathing was labored. She suggested I try to "go" (sorry if too graphic for you delicate blossoms) again so I went but the pains were unrelenting and nothing happened so I just stayed there in agony, until my Mom knocked on the door. I got out and told her the pain wasn't stopping, so she said we were going home. It took forever, the pain unbearable. Since "dumping" is a hazard after the surgery she was asking the embarassing questions, but I found it really impossible that it could be having to "go", I was in the most pain I have been in since the surgery and recovery. We got home and I doubled over in pain, lying on the kitchen floor. They were eventually able to get me to a couch where my Mom did pressing of the abdomen,etc while Sandy looked up symptoms of various things for my Mom. This continued for awhile, with me crying out in pain. My Mom eventually decided to give me one of her Amitiza's which would guarentee trips to the bathroom. The pain started to subside after an hour but then one thing was traded for another unpleasant thing. And I was sick all night. I still don't know for sure if I am ALL better, as my gallbladder and pancreas are affected after surgery and some of the symptoms could be attributed, but for now I feel better. I can say that now because it has been about 24 hours since everything finally got better.

But instead of sleepinglik the dead which I thought was inevitale after the last few days, my sleep was fitful and unpleasant. I woke today and we put up the Christmas decorations, as I HAD been the planner in. I told my Mom, I NEED to try and make this Holiday season as good as possible, since I am doing so not well emotionally, I need all the cheer I can get, so I explained this to her, well going into far more depth and feelings, and she understood and helped too even though she was sick. And except for being OCD that I can't find THREE things that we put up, I am quite happy with the house. It looks cheerful and full of spirit, and I liked hearing the music of the season as we put things in their places. Once we FIND those three items I will be much MORE happy. It just BUGS me so.

Okay as it is ridiculously late and I finished Twilight and am trying to be good and WAIT until at least tommorrow night to start "New Moon", I am off to watch this weeks Bones and Fridays soaps...or fall asleep, I am running on like 1 1/2 days sleep after 3 days! And I am COLD so I need to check the stove and see if it needs more pellets. It is 28 tonight, and I think I MAY be getting sick. My nose is a wee runny sometimes and I have a tickle inmy throat, but knowing I wouldn't CARE if I got sick, my body will probably say "ahhh screw that I will be healthy even thoug Wendy has wanted to be sick"...my body spites me.

Aghhhh...it was one of THOSE days. Everything was seemingly fine, then something STICKS in my head and I can't get it out, no matter how much I slam it into the fridge door, or walk into a doorway...repeatedly. I know it does NOT help that I have OCD, but it is just the fact that I have no control over my feelings lately, that I wanted this ONE thing, to go right. Something I should have control over. My hair.
I know, I know. What is so distressing about your hair Wendy? Well, it has kinda depressed me the last week or two, no pizazz! I am missing my flaming red color!! Sure it is still RED, but it is just not the same...and the brighter hue is so...ME! But I wanted to break up the monotony. So for fall I decided to do this deeper red, some of you have seen the pics...there is even one on this main page. And when I first did it, I liked it alot (NEVER as much as my flaming red of course!) but I did leave it in for an hour instead of the 25 minutes...yeah well we were doing SOMETHING important, me and my mom, and I was like....whatever, it's fine.

So my Mom re-did it for me tonight...well technically now it's last night...anyway, I hated it. It was dull and barely reddish and just DRAB. Usually when I first see it dry I smile, maybe even do a jig and giggle. I didn't even smile. So my brain started thinking....and wouldn't SHUT UP! It was all, what should I do? Should I go darker, because it is WAY lighter than last time...which was an accident but I Liked it at least, or should I do my RED-RED early even though I promised Sam I would do darker for fall, she likes it, don't ask me. So I searched haircolor websites, like Loreal, etc. And now I couldn't find my Feria R75, my flaming red color. And I started to panic. I couldn't stop myself. This ONE thing, my HAIR, I should be able to control, but I was LOST. And so I tried to get my Mom's opinion, but she is so sweet and nuetral..." I like the color it is now"....which is so NOT helpful when I am feeling the way I was. I wanted a definitive opinion...darker red or red-red....and she kept flip-flopping so I finally left, on the verge of tears. I still didn't know what to do...hated my hair though....and was scared they took my color away...no one else has this INTENSE a red!! I looked at ALL the major brands! So I took off to CVS and Walgreens (next door to eachother)...sure it was after 10 at night, but the problem with these OCD attacks is, once I am in the midst of one...until I resolve it in SOME way...I can't rest or be at peace. Plus my Mom had cut off an inchor so for me ( I want it all completely even again and my bangs...sides really are still shorter) and it was uneven...so I felt NOT good about myself. It felt like I needed to fix it SOMEHOW. So I thought if I went and looked at the boxes I could find a color close to my Feria one, in case even the Loreal store at a nearby mall doesn't carry it (discontinued!! No I hope NO!!), and decide what to do to fix....the ugly. So I went to CVS, and found the darker "richest deep auburn" and a red color that is at least RED.

I also stopped at Walgreens, but they have like NO selection. On my way home, I got called by Kat, apparently my Mom wasn't asleep like she was supposed to be, she had gone looking for me and when she couldn't find me, she got worried. I told her I had to fix this...tonight! It was just INGRAINED in my head. SO I get home and showed them what I got...and broke down in my Mom's arms. It was bad noisy sobs...I couldn't help it. She helped me decide that a) Sandy would fix the uneveness and then b) Sam and Kat would help me redo my hair (they could rinse in the sink so another shower wasn't neccessary and c) Katie would check the Loreal store for me on Wednesday, because she teaches a clas near it and d) I would do the deeper red for this month and decide about December later. And it felt so good, a decision. So my Mom went to sleep and Sam (Kat disappeared...she not doing so great either...school is overwhelming her) cut and redid my hair. She even dried it for me...wouldn't let me look. Until she said "LOOK" and I didn't. I was scared I would stil hate it...or it would be SO dark on me it'd look purple!! So I was like "no wait...how do you like it first?" and she said she really liked it, that it was darker but had more red in it, all sorts of shades of red. So I....fearfully....opened my eyes...and it is pretty! Under the lights it sparkles with all these shades of red...very fallish and MUCH better, and it was all even. I felt such a weight FALL from my shoulders. I hugged HERRRRRR!! I was SO relieved. Everything felt okay again.

I know most of you can't begin to understand, how something so simple, and something I am supposed to enjoy, could snowball into such angst and turmoil. It is just something that I have to live with. Sometimes talking it out, setting a plan for something...works, but sometimes it ends up NEEDING to be solved right at that moment. It is bad, this OCD stuff. Hard to live with, when it gets the better of you, and tonight it did. Sometimes I get the better of it, I say "no don't go there" and it can work...just not always...obviously. I gotta say, before I had OCD, I never could have fully grasped what it meant to BE ocd. It is a challenge, I struggle with it. But those days where I beat IT, feel good. I just have to remind myself, now, that there HAVE been times where I beat it...instead of it beating me.

Not the best light to take pictures...but it IS red. Don't worry, BY the new year, it will FLAME again!!

Panic...and I Did it to MYSELF!!

After I posted last night, my OCD decided it felt like it was a good time to act up. I was suddenly anxious because all I could think of was this: What if I have nothing else to blog about? I know I don't have to do multiple posts, I have just been inspired, but I wasn't even sure I could think of anything to ever write about again. And panic ensued. I felt like I was on the verge of an anxiety attack. My brain (my mortal enemy) taunted me, if you have nothing to say, you'll lose the people you've met, that's what ALL pro-blogger sites were saying.
That was a second mistake, looking online for advice. Because suddenly I was bombarded with sites that said things like "The 10 Biggest Blogger Mistakes" or "101 Blog Blunders", and I was like...say whaaaa? There are mistakes?! I am the queen of making mistakes, this means I will probably make at least 51 of the 101 mistakes only 1 blogger talked about. CRAP! *note - crap and bloody are my "bad" words...I'm such a rebel I know. Not! I just figure there are so many words in the English language alone, not to mention all the other languages, that swear/curse words are stupid. Don't get me wrong, I SO want to use them sometimes, but I restrain myself.*
But I digress (I believe I have mentioned my tendency towards segues,etc. to some of you. It's a sad serious sickness that most people are unaware of...oops I'm doing it again, LOL!). So I find myself at one particular site what has over 150 SITES containing mistakes bloggers make and I sat in front of computer, gulping, all the while thinking..."but I just wanted to write about everyday nonsense and find friends"...how can this blogging thing be SO difficult?! So many people are bloggers, do THEY know all the rules? Which I really couldn't understand, a lot were related to if you want your blog to make money, and sure money's nice but not what I was aiming for. And the others just *whoosh* over my newbie head.
And people who claim they have great blog idea sites for you? Lies, all lies! Unless you want to bash or shower love on the new iphone or some such nonsense. Or dissect some particular website that apparently these bloggers think is THAT interesting enough to suggest it as a great blog idea. No it all seemed hopeless...at least at 4:37 am it did...my OCD seld should have gotten my butt off the evil computer, but I let the obsessiveness rule me last night....aaggghhh.
But alas, I found a sight with a few ideas that helped calm me down. Use a notebook and brainstorm ideas. And it gave you an idea on how to do it, look at your last 5 posts and see if you can expand on things you wrote before. I know how OCD this makes me, a notebook with ideas, but it said this was a great ideas for days where you have nothing to say, your "blog rainy days". And I thought, thank the crapness, someone finally writes something I GET. And it worked, I looked at a few of my posts and knew there was more to write. There are dozens of Max stories I can tell, I have opinions on so much music and movies and tv shows, and I beat the OCD monster down. Yay! I finally felt better. This blog is supposed to be good for me, fun for me. A place to find people who I can relate to and talk with. It shouldn't be stressful...okay I know myself, I may have more OCD attacks, but I am hoping I have told my evil brain enemy, to SHUT IT, at least for awhile.