Pessimistically Optimistic Meanderings

Aghhhh...it was one of THOSE days. Everything was seemingly fine, then something STICKS in my head and I can't get it out, no matter how much I slam it into the fridge door, or walk into a doorway...repeatedly. I know it does NOT help that I have OCD, but it is just the fact that I have no control over my feelings lately, that I wanted this ONE thing, to go right. Something I should have control over. My hair.
I know, I know. What is so distressing about your hair Wendy? Well, it has kinda depressed me the last week or two, no pizazz! I am missing my flaming red color!! Sure it is still RED, but it is just not the same...and the brighter hue is so...ME! But I wanted to break up the monotony. So for fall I decided to do this deeper red, some of you have seen the pics...there is even one on this main page. And when I first did it, I liked it alot (NEVER as much as my flaming red of course!) but I did leave it in for an hour instead of the 25 minutes...yeah well we were doing SOMETHING important, me and my mom, and I was like....whatever, it's fine.

So my Mom re-did it for me tonight...well technically now it's last night...anyway, I hated it. It was dull and barely reddish and just DRAB. Usually when I first see it dry I smile, maybe even do a jig and giggle. I didn't even smile. So my brain started thinking....and wouldn't SHUT UP! It was all, what should I do? Should I go darker, because it is WAY lighter than last time...which was an accident but I Liked it at least, or should I do my RED-RED early even though I promised Sam I would do darker for fall, she likes it, don't ask me. So I searched haircolor websites, like Loreal, etc. And now I couldn't find my Feria R75, my flaming red color. And I started to panic. I couldn't stop myself. This ONE thing, my HAIR, I should be able to control, but I was LOST. And so I tried to get my Mom's opinion, but she is so sweet and nuetral..." I like the color it is now"....which is so NOT helpful when I am feeling the way I was. I wanted a definitive opinion...darker red or red-red....and she kept flip-flopping so I finally left, on the verge of tears. I still didn't know what to do...hated my hair though....and was scared they took my color away...no one else has this INTENSE a red!! I looked at ALL the major brands! So I took off to CVS and Walgreens (next door to eachother)...sure it was after 10 at night, but the problem with these OCD attacks is, once I am in the midst of one...until I resolve it in SOME way...I can't rest or be at peace. Plus my Mom had cut off an inchor so for me ( I want it all completely even again and my bangs...sides really are still shorter) and it was uneven...so I felt NOT good about myself. It felt like I needed to fix it SOMEHOW. So I thought if I went and looked at the boxes I could find a color close to my Feria one, in case even the Loreal store at a nearby mall doesn't carry it (discontinued!! No I hope NO!!), and decide what to do to fix....the ugly. So I went to CVS, and found the darker "richest deep auburn" and a red color that is at least RED.

I also stopped at Walgreens, but they have like NO selection. On my way home, I got called by Kat, apparently my Mom wasn't asleep like she was supposed to be, she had gone looking for me and when she couldn't find me, she got worried. I told her I had to fix this...tonight! It was just INGRAINED in my head. SO I get home and showed them what I got...and broke down in my Mom's arms. It was bad noisy sobs...I couldn't help it. She helped me decide that a) Sandy would fix the uneveness and then b) Sam and Kat would help me redo my hair (they could rinse in the sink so another shower wasn't neccessary and c) Katie would check the Loreal store for me on Wednesday, because she teaches a clas near it and d) I would do the deeper red for this month and decide about December later. And it felt so good, a decision. So my Mom went to sleep and Sam (Kat disappeared...she not doing so great either...school is overwhelming her) cut and redid my hair. She even dried it for me...wouldn't let me look. Until she said "LOOK" and I didn't. I was scared I would stil hate it...or it would be SO dark on me it'd look purple!! So I was like "no wait...how do you like it first?" and she said she really liked it, that it was darker but had more red in it, all sorts of shades of red. So I....fearfully....opened my eyes...and it is pretty! Under the lights it sparkles with all these shades of red...very fallish and MUCH better, and it was all even. I felt such a weight FALL from my shoulders. I hugged HERRRRRR!! I was SO relieved. Everything felt okay again.

I know most of you can't begin to understand, how something so simple, and something I am supposed to enjoy, could snowball into such angst and turmoil. It is just something that I have to live with. Sometimes talking it out, setting a plan for something...works, but sometimes it ends up NEEDING to be solved right at that moment. It is bad, this OCD stuff. Hard to live with, when it gets the better of you, and tonight it did. Sometimes I get the better of it, I say "no don't go there" and it can work...just not always...obviously. I gotta say, before I had OCD, I never could have fully grasped what it meant to BE ocd. It is a challenge, I struggle with it. But those days where I beat IT, feel good. I just have to remind myself, now, that there HAVE been times where I beat it...instead of it beating me.

Not the best light to take pictures...but it IS red. Don't worry, BY the new year, it will FLAME again!!