Me and Migraines...why?

Okay, no I am still not doing good. I know it, I finally have an appointment with my psychiatrist so that I can tell him I want to try the mood stabilizer. I can tell I am in a dark place for me. Usually I have to get out of the house like every other day or I am crawling up the walls in cabin fever. But right now, I can be in the house for days at a time and am fine with it. Right now, I think it is my sanctuary. Sure, I have to wait until December 10th to see him, but if it gets any worse my Mom said we will call him and ask him over the phone to start me on the med. When commercials for depression make you cry...when a lil squabble breaks you down...you are definitely in the Pit and need some help getting out. So I am trying to do something to help myself, even if I have to try different meds out for months or longer until I find one that helps even just a fraction, I will take it.

Anyways, I have migraines and as anyone else who gets them will attest, they SUCK. Over the last few years they have gotten worse and worse, and whereas I used to only get them a few times a year, I get a few a month now. And the level of pain and discomfort has gotten worse too. The lights hurt, I feel like throwing up, I want to cry, but that puts more tension on everything, which just makes the pain worse. Although some times I just can't help it. My primary care doctor has tried me on a few of the well known ones, like Imitrex, but they have had either no affect on the migraine, or they have actually made them worse.

Now I know they are migraines, not just because HELLO, I am not a moron, and can read and everything. But about 6 years ago, I had to see a nuerologist because I was having a dizzy spell...that didn't go away for the entire summer! And while we still have no idea what caused that, it was at that point that I was diagnosed with migraines. And I proceeded to do what about them? Nothing. They used to happen so rarely, that I didn't follow up with Thor (what I call my nuerologist, cuz it's Thorsen). Until recently when not even my primary doctor could help with medications.

So years later now, I returned to Thor. And apparently, no drug like Imitrex is going to help a migraine sufferer like me. See, I have regular headaches every day. I take tylenol when I get up with all my other pills. It's either there already, or will be there. And that puts me in particular group of sufferers. So I need a med that tries to eliminate ALL headaches. That way they can't develop into migraines. So I was psyched. And the drug he wanted me to go on, had a HORRIBLE side effect for many people...weight loss!! I was like SIGN ME UP!! So I began taking it, you have to slowly up the dose, so I was told not to expect any changes for awhile. But then months went by and he upped me to 100 mg. And still, daily headaches and still the horrible migraines. So finally he decided that Topamax had no affect on me (including NO weight loss!) so he began to wean me off Topamax and put me on another drug. I forget the name, but it is actually made for depression, but they have found it helps some migraine sufferers like me. So I had been on that for awhile. Only I noticed I was really not okay lately. Everything felt bleaker, and crying was even easier than ever...and things just felt wrong. So my Mom, the nurse and my personal therapy person, told me I had to get off this stuff and we began weaning me off and I had been off it almost a week, but pills like this stay in your system for awhile. And this overall feeling of hopelessness, yeah okay I always have it, that's why I am on the anti-depressants and anxiety meds I AM on, but this, this was to the nth degree. And I was waiting for some of me, to be back. I had felt it when I talk to some of you. Moments where I feel normal. And that's what I had before, moments or pieces of time, where I felt, not fabulous, but...just okay. And even if that sounds pathetic to people who have no understanding of how depression and etc. work, to me, it's a big deal. This is where we think the SLIDE back into the Pit of Despair started.

Anyway, so right now I am on nothing for my migraines...and I have one developing right now. I can tell. The jaw hurts, the neck, the temples, the eyes. And I know I should get OFF the laptop, dim the lights, and rest and PRAY it goes away. But I am not doing so hot and so I am venting the only way I can at 2:15 in the morning. Cold makes my migraines worse, and this thing, we call it the bean burrito, we got it at Bed, Bath and Beyond, its like a long sack of beads or seeds and you can nuke it in the microwave. Sometimes that helps, but I don't know where one is right now, and everyone is asleep, so I can't go looking everywhere. And it doesn't do much anyway, not when it's real bad.

I so need something to work on me. I have to get another appointment with Thor and NEED him to find a med that will work for me. Make all headaches less, or a pill to stop or lessen the migraine, I don't care anymore. Just stop this pain. Everything hurts. And since my surgery, tylenol is ALL I can take...so no more Excedrin Migraine which helped a little sometimes...only Tylenol, and they haven't been nice enough to make Tylenol Migraine. No they're too busy on making Tylenol Meltaways and crap like that. I want to chop my head off. Even coughing hurts right now. Seriously, if I pay you, will one of you fly out here and take me to the woods in the back, shoot me, in the HEAD, and dump my body in Florian pond??!!?? I will PAY you to kill me right now. If you prefer, an axe to chop off my head, that sounds okay too. Either one, just make it quick, because I am pissy when I am in pain. Well I feel pissy, but all I want are hugs and someone to make sure I don't cry...because it worsens the pain...*sighs*. Anyone willing to swap brains? That has gotta be where the pain is made.

I am off to find something to make all of us laugh or even smile.