Friday, October 23, 2009

Suicidal Snake

I am having a bad day with depression and my bi-polar/OCD tendencies. So I really don't feel like posting any of the worries dominating my brain. I worry it will make the pain awaken once more and I will be sitting here alone, in tears. Which is not good for me at all. At least not tonight. So I decided to post a poem I have been working on, while I have had bad days. The thing is I am afraid it makes no sense. It is called Suicidal Snake.

Now, as I believe in what my Church teaches, I know that I can never hurt myself in such a way, or I will never be with my loved ones in Heaven. Holding on to the thought of being with my loved ones, and the loved ones who have passed, helps keep me strong enough to fight. But anyone who has had real serious problems with depression, etc. knows that it creeps into your brain sometimes, even if you don't want it to. You are in such a dark place that is flits through your mind, wouldn't it just be easier if this was all over? I, personally, have a pact with someone, that if I ever seriously start considering this option, I will go to them first. But even if you know, this is not something I will do, you can't stop the thoughts when you are at the end of your rope, from entering your mind. If you can actually say, I have had a very bad case of depression or another similar disorder, and it never entered your mind, then you are either lying to yourself, or did not deal with a serious case of depression. I am sorry but it is true. When your life is that out of balance, that dark, even if it is a second-long fleeting thought, it was there. Depression and anxiety are so exhausting and you can't help but to think it once in a while. I admit it because I want people to know I GET it, I understand thinking about it. It does not make you a bad person, a weak person, it makes you human.

And so, one day when I was writing I started writing a poem that dealt with the topic, but as I wrote, it began to turn in a different direction, and I tried to word it in a way where you sense that something else is making the person think this way...I don't know, this is why I worry that it won't make sense. Here goes.

Suicidal Snake

I can taste the tears as they glide down my cheek
These battles I face seem to grow harder each day
I am supposed to keep going, keep trying, keep moving
When all I really want is to give up, give in and die

It's not the right way to think, the right way to be
But when your nails are torn from holding on so long
You just want to let go of that cliff and fall free
Fall into something that takes away the hurt and pain

You never mean to think suicide is the only answer left
It just naturally beats in your head like your hearts' pulse
Set yourself free, something tells you, maybe the snake in that garden
The fear, the loneliness can all be over, if you let it all go

Listen to me, it hisses, as it slithers around your heart
It can take all your pain away, It can set your soul free of this
All you need to do is take a few extra pills, take an extra step forward
It will be over in a split second and you will forget all these hurts

The noises in your head will finally stop and be silenced...forever
No more doctors, no more people claiming things will get better
No more being judged by those around you for failing to be like them
Those pills you swallow each day are never going to help you like it can

They tell you if you keep trying, you will be happier, get healthier
How many years are you going to listen to that before you get a clue?
They have no answers, no guarantees your life will ever change for the good
They are just trying to tempt you into a false sense that waiting will fix you

You are smarter than that, you have waited a decade and nothing has improved
Why continue on, because they tell you if you breathe a new way you're saved?
No, No, you see them for the liars and bigots they are, just money hungry thieves
They don't want you to end your unjust torment because they are selfish for more

But with a plunge off that peak, or an albeit painful flick to your wrist
It can all be gone, poof, like a magic trick performed by a master magician
The serpent slides up your arm, resting it's head in the crook of your neck
If life is too much to bear, why should you have to endure it, it breathes

It nudges its' head into your face, a caress of sorts, and sings a lullaby
All your worries and all you are afraid of can be gone if you trust my words
There is no guarantee that if you keep trying, life will hand you happiness
So take the initiative and find a better place, I have one perfect in mind

You turn your head and gaze into the serpents eyes, eyes full of lulling promises
It was promising all your hearts desires, so why do you feel the words are lies?
This innocent creature was created by the same as you, so why hesitate at its' words
This would make it all stop, so why is your soul screaming to crush the skull with your heel?

post signature

7 meaningful meanderings:

The Boob Nazi said...

I know what you're talking about.

Lee said...

*hugs* I know how you feel. I was in a bad place for a while.

Sarah said...

I'm far from depressed but I DID just start taking St. John's Wort to combat any lonely feelings I may have without Sean here. I know your situation is a bit different, worse, diagnosed, but it really works for me. Hope you feel better.

TeeTee said...

i hope you feel better!
that poem is simply amazing!

mama-face said...

I hope you know that I know what you are feeling. When I am asked, have you ever thought about suicide all I can think of is, are you kidding?

This is why writing is so good for you...

hugs to you- I get you. And I wouldn't say that if I didn't mean it.

mama-face said...

I hope you know that I know what you are feeling. When I am asked, have you ever thought about suicide all I can think of is, are you kidding?

This is why writing is so good for you...

hugs to you- I get you. And I wouldn't say that if I didn't mean it.

Tori_z said...

I know what you're talking about, and that poem made perfect sense to me.

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