Friday, October 9, 2009

Scaredy Pants

I really hate when I have Obsessive-Compulsive episodes that cause me so much stress. These cooler days, and the fact that I was already close to anxiety overload, got the ide in my mind to get my winter clothes out of the attic. I decided to bring a clothes basket up with me so I didn't have to bring down the plastic bins. I didn't think I had that much cold weather stuff, besides my pajama bottom obsession. Yeah, I was wrong. The amount of clothes piled above the top of the basket was more than another basketful. And I was in the attic. As I have mentioned, I HATE our attic. It scares the crap out of me. I feel like I am going to fall or go through the floor, etc. It panics me being up there. So when I got to the point of that much clothes, and no way down with THAT basket of clothes, I started panicking, and when it felt like Sam wasn't willing to help me out, I started crying. Sitting up there in the scary attic, near the ladder.

Eventually Sam got me down and she went up and passed me down clothes until it was just a basketful of clothes, and then she brought that down. So I was putting clothes where they belong and then it was time for what I was scared of. Trying on my jeans. I was wearing a pair of my favorites that I had kept out and they were not comfy. Everything but where it was buttoned felt good, but buttoned, it did not feel great. I know that after jeans are washed, it can take at least an hour for them to feel comfy but these were not. And this of course freaked me out, and I tried on all my jeans and I fit into them, but they feel tight at the stomach. Now, I have been working out for almost 6 months, so this is freaking me out! I did not go through the pain of that surgery to ever go back to what I was. My Mom says maybe the working out has repositioned my weight, Sandy says maybe I have built muscles in my stomach, whatever it is, it is scaring the holy heck out of me, and has obliterated my self-esteem. We are getting one of those jeans stretchers that stretches the waistband before you put them on, and I hope that works, because I bought so many jeans in this size and I have NO money, and they fit everywhere perfect, they just feel tight when I button them. Not even zipper them, just button them.

I am scared that this is just a way I am deluding myself into thinking (hopefully) I can still fit in my jeans. Part of me tries to justify it, by saying, jeans shrink in the wash and you always have to give them time to strecth when you first put them on anyway. So this is just stretching them before I put them on. But again, I am afraid I am deluding myself. Which also scares the crap out of me. But I have been working out for 5 months, and before I did nothing, so what am I supposed to think? This is just NOT what I needed, when I am feeling overwhelmed over health questions, and just the anxiety I can't get rid of. So I probably shouldn't even be writing about this, as I am supposed to be "not thinking period", but you know me. I write about what is going on, and I try and be always honest. These jeans fit when it was still cold in March. So HOW, 7 motnhs later, with me woking out for 5 of them, can they feel tight? Is it true and I am bigger? Is my Mom right? Is Sam? Is it just the way of jeans? I am terrified. I hate working out, it has been stressing me out for awhile. Is it doing nothing? Is it making me gain muscle weight?

I am feeling really vulnerable and scared and I guess I want to know what you think, and your thoughts and experiences on jeans. I am sorry this is such a down post, but it is what I am feeling right now, and that is what I try to do. I am so scared.


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5 meaningful meanderings:

Sarah said...

Cujo is scary! AHHH!

Okay, so, I have alot of years and experience with exercise and food. If you do gain muscle, you will actually be leaner (unless you're a guy with testosterone bulking up). You WILL gain weight, in pounds, because muscle weighs 2/3 more than fat, but you should be leaner. So that must not be it. There are a few things to consider...you may have hit an exercise plateau. If you've been exercising the same way for even 3 months, your body sort of becomes immune to it and you have to switch it up in order to trick your body. Maybe try that? Also, sodium could be the problem. We all need SOME sodium but too much can cause BIG bloating and water retention, one reason why people lose "water weight" when they diet at first. Lastly, regardless of how often you're working out, a healthy diet is a must or eventually you 'll stop losing, and even gain some back. Between 1200-1500 calories a day (4-6 small meals) is ideal to lose weight in a healthy way. However, those 1200 calories better be healthy calories or there's no point. You can get into the protein/fat/carb formulas but I don't know much about that, I just use common sense and eat fruits, veggies, lean protein, no eating out (hidden calories), no soda, and limit my sweets (we eat mini hershey's and mini reese cups mostly).
There is so much that goes into healthy eating/ exercise. It's worth it to really study it a bit, especially since you went through the surgery and spent all that money, I can't believe they didn't offer you some sort of class about this stuff?! It can be overwhelming...I hope I helped!!

mama-face said...

Wow, that is great and useful advice that Sarah gave. I would add that ramping up the exercise will also help with anxiety. I feel your pain, I have a mystery ring of fat where my waist should be and it just came out of nowhere. It does mess with your head and I know that I obsess over it far too much. Life is too short. Now if only I could take my own advice!
Thinking of you. :)

Sheri said...

The thought of gaining weight is always scary (and so are attics and I'm a paranormal investigator!) I just hate places spiders and other bugs are. Honestly it is kinda funny how spiders scare me more than ghosts... lol anyways. I hope it all goes well and you can take some deep breaths and breathe easier and feel better. ::hugs::

Lee said...

Even at my weight, if I puff up I get scared.
I have OCD like you, so that magnifies it.
Honestly OCD is like torture. It's like you're trapped inside of your own brain.

Tori_z said...

I never wear jeans. They make my legs feel stiff and heavy, and make me feel like my movement is being restricted, which I hate. I wear what you call sweats, or I wear light weight cotton trousers. The only time I don't is if I'm in shorts or PJ bottoms.

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