The Ejection Seat #1: The Genre Switcheroo
Should you find yourself in the clutches of certain death - fangs to your neck, knife to your throat - there are only four proven methods of making a last-minute escape, called Ejection Seats because of their drastic, last-resort nature.
Ejection Seat #1 is the Genre Switcheroo. The switcheroo works by doing something to confuse the killer (and the screenwriter) just long enough to get clear of the immediate kill zone. This is accomplished by doing something completely incongruous with the situation - something that leaves the audience asking, "Wait, is this really a horror movie?"
Move your mouth out of sync with your dialogue. Demand to know where magic sword is. Use the words revenge or master in every sentence. Genre: martial arts.
Fart. This should be easy, considering you're already moments away from making it in your pants. Genre: teen comedy.
Slip your attacker the tongue. Potentially gross depending on the type of killer you're dealing with, but quite effective. Genre: romance.
Light a cigarette and chastise your attacker in Italian. Doesn't even have to be real Italian. Just use your hands a lot. Genre: artsy foreign film.
Deliver a Long, Stoic monologue in an English Accent. About a lifetime of regret, unrequited love, and summers at the estate in Yorkshire. Genre: Mercahnt Ivory.
As for me, I am only slightly annoyed sometimes so far with the monitor device. Mostly when it must have fallen from my front pocket while I was asleep and I rolled onto it. If I swore, that would have been a doozy. It HURT. Ouch! I went to the obgyn, she just likes to see me at least once a year because she gives me the depo-provera shot. Luckily all I have to endure is the breast exam, as she knows I am intact, for a fact. Ew. But since the shot can affect calcium levels she wants me to get a bone density exam, so I have THAT next Thursday! And according to HER scale, I am 20 pounds more than my last weigh in. I am so pathetic, I actually HOPE the blood tests will tell me I have somethign wrong, because come on! Excerise for 6 months, after being pretty much a couch potato and I gain weight instead of just at least maintaining. The thyroid could explain that. Yes I am so pathetic I would appreciate having a new disorder. Otherwise it makes no sense. I am so overly traumatized by all this, I feel so numb, which is not good for me. Yeah so this week of doctor appointment's CAN actually get worse. I am feeling so very much, not in control and not strong right now. I suck.