I Don't Understand

I know that not everyone understands or can understand depression and other emotional/mental disorders. It is especially understandable if you grew up in a family where no one had any sort of these problems, you would never have been exposed. So you, at first at least, have no understanding, maybe have no belief that it is real. If you have never seen it for yourself. It can at first seem weird, confusing, you don't know what to say, if you should say anything, so many things. I know, that was me at one point. I didn't get it.

But once you have been exposed, whether through experiences yourself, seen it affect a friend or family member, or just started reading about it, some sort of understanding must come into play. You have to see the struggles and the bleakness and sadness and...pain. And growing up surrounded by it...there should never be a question in your mind whether it is real or not. It is a stupid Tom Crusie-DUMB comment to actually believe that "there is no such thing as depression". Especially when you have seen it first-hand, in many family members and friends. There is no excuse for callousness or snubbing or anything along those lines.

And to know what someone has been diagnosed with many things and by multiple doctors, and to read the words she has written in her blog, and still treat her like she is a failure,. It makes me feel sick to my stomach. But instead of any understanding, it has been used as a weapon against me. I chose to share...well, me...and it was a mistake, one I regret every day now. How do you read the words I have posted about how I am doing mentally and emotionally, especially in these last few months, and then turn around and put so much stress on me, I feel like I am suffocating? How can a person do that?How do you do that, when you have read the fears and worries I am trying to deal with right now?

I know these disorders can be very confusing, I still get confused about the sadness I can feel, the anger, the utter loneliness, but to show such lack of regard, such lack of remorse, lack of feeling, I don't understand how anyone can do that and still consider themselves human. How can anyone go to a person suffering from such fear and sadness, and place a huge burden on them, that no one can help them with? The threat is real and could affect an entire family, why would you place someone doing so poorly in that position?

People I have met through blogging here understand, even though some of you don't seem to have experienced any of it yourselves. Through my words you've seen the struggle I am fighting every day and show more regard, more kindness, than some who have known me my whole life. And I don't understand that.

There will be no vlog from me this week. If I put a camera on myself right now, knowing my kind blog friends, who seem to care for me and understand me more than....I think I would lose it and start crying on camera and that would not be good for me. I am not supposed to be "thinking" at all tonight, as instructed by my family. But I thought maybe it would help a little to put some of these feelings, and questions, down in words.

Even if this is such a foreign concep to any of you, would you treat anyone so poorly, would you add the weight of the world onto their already weary shoulders? I feel like I am breaking, that is my cue to go, go Wendy, go. No thinking, no thinking.