Thursday, May 14, 2009

I Don't Understand


I know that not everyone understands or can understand depression and other emotional/mental disorders. It is especially understandable if you grew up in a family where no one had any sort of these problems, you would never have been exposed. So you, at first at least, have no understanding, maybe have no belief that it is real. If you have never seen it for yourself. It can at first seem weird, confusing, you don't know what to say, if you should say anything, so many things. I know, that was me at one point. I didn't get it.

But once you have been exposed, whether through experiences yourself, seen it affect a friend or family member, or just started reading about it, some sort of understanding must come into play. You have to see the struggles and the bleakness and sadness and...pain. And growing up surrounded by it...there should never be a question in your mind whether it is real or not. It is a stupid Tom Crusie-DUMB comment to actually believe that "there is no such thing as depression". Especially when you have seen it first-hand, in many family members and friends. There is no excuse for callousness or snubbing or anything along those lines.

And to know what someone has been diagnosed with many things and by multiple doctors, and to read the words she has written in her blog, and still treat her like she is a failure,. It makes me feel sick to my stomach. But instead of any understanding, it has been used as a weapon against me. I chose to share...well, me...and it was a mistake, one I regret every day now. How do you read the words I have posted about how I am doing mentally and emotionally, especially in these last few months, and then turn around and put so much stress on me, I feel like I am suffocating? How can a person do that?How do you do that, when you have read the fears and worries I am trying to deal with right now?

I know these disorders can be very confusing, I still get confused about the sadness I can feel, the anger, the utter loneliness, but to show such lack of regard, such lack of remorse, lack of feeling, I don't understand how anyone can do that and still consider themselves human. How can anyone go to a person suffering from such fear and sadness, and place a huge burden on them, that no one can help them with? The threat is real and could affect an entire family, why would you place someone doing so poorly in that position?

People I have met through blogging here understand, even though some of you don't seem to have experienced any of it yourselves. Through my words you've seen the struggle I am fighting every day and show more regard, more kindness, than some who have known me my whole life. And I don't understand that.

There will be no vlog from me this week. If I put a camera on myself right now, knowing my kind blog friends, who seem to care for me and understand me more than....I think I would lose it and start crying on camera and that would not be good for me. I am not supposed to be "thinking" at all tonight, as instructed by my family. But I thought maybe it would help a little to put some of these feelings, and questions, down in words.

Even if this is such a foreign concep to any of you, would you treat anyone so poorly, would you add the weight of the world onto their already weary shoulders? I feel like I am breaking, that is my cue to go, go Wendy, go. No thinking, no thinking.

12 meaningful meanderings:

Tori_z said...

*Hugs* Some people are just cruel and selfish. They don't stop to think about other people and how things might affect them. All they think about is themselves. It's wrong, but that's what some people are like.

I'm sorry someone has hurt you so much. I don't know you well, but I do have some experience with what you're going through. And, even if I didn't, it should be easy enough for people to get at least some understanding of what kind of place you're in emotionally from your blog posts. But - as I already said - some people just don't care.

Also, I'm pretty sure some people do things like this just to get the reaction they'll get. I'm not saying that was what was done in your case. But that's how it seems sometimes... Like people burden others with more when they know they can't deal with it, just so they can watch them have a melt down or something.

Why do humans have to be so cruel?

Again, I'm sorry someone's done this to you... *Hugs*

mama-face said...

I stumbled upon your blog and it may seem trite for me to say this...but I DO understand you.

I do wanna leave a comment, but I've basically got nothing today, but I will be back. Have my cuppie-cake ready, k? We have more than a couple of things in common.

I hope you have a good day.

CaJoh said...

It's the struggles in life that we face that builds character. If we didn't we would be one-dimensional and boring.

Sometimes people tend to slap a label on things just to avoid it themselves. More often, they do not want to take the effort to show sympathy towards the person, so they say something insensitive and never realized that they hurt someone in the process.

It is hard to ask people to understand something that they themselves never experienced. It may be easier for those who do not know you because they have a fresh perspective. The longer you know someone, the more likely you "think" you know them, when in actuality you do not.

Kristina P. said...

I have found that people truly don't get mental illness, because it's something that can't be seen, like a broken arm.

I am sorry for what you are dealing with, Wendy.

Mary said...

Sorry I haven't been around lately, but I'm sending a big hug your way :o)

With all the drama in my life right now, the only thing that has kept me going was a conversation I had with me husband, and he said, "as soon as you realize you have no control over what is thrown at you, you can recognize the only thing you can control is your actions/reactions to situations." There are so many things in this world that we can't predict or explain, but I hope you can find some part of this situation to learn & grow from.

Sarah said...

I think it comes down to a few simple things, and I guess personality traits...compassion, respect, and acceptance. No, I do not have depression or any other mood issue (I don't even like the word "disorder"), but I RESPECT, ACCEPT, AND HAVE COMPASSION for people that do suffer. I have a degree in Psychology, I have always been interested in and wanting to understand these things better. That's not something one can learn unfortunately. On a brighter note, I DO have a HUGE HUGE phobia of vomit and people have a hard time grasping even THAT! Chin Up! You are a good person, that's all you have to remember.

Donna said...

I'm sorry that you've been getting crap from someone. You haven't done anything wrong, it sounds like they have.
Depression is real, it's painful, and it's very tough to get through. My friend is suffering from it intensely right now and traveled back to UT to get treatment for it. I don't think I'm going to see her again for many months. Anyway, my thoughts and sympathies are with you!

Fiauna said...

(((hugs))) I hope this passes soon and things begin to look brighter. Hang in there.

SO said...

I wish I knew the right words to say to help those people understand how they are making you feel. I'm sorry are having to deal with such harshness.

I'll be honest and say that it is hard for me to understand depression. Even though my husband went through it and I seem to be dealing with it right now a bit myself. I just don't get it and it makes me angry at myself that I don't. But I do try.

I hope you can find some relief and support close by you.

LadyStyx said...

Just gonna sit here awhile and *HUGZ* ya. I think we can both benefit from it right about now.

Sheri said...

::big hug!:: I'm sorry you are dealing with all of this. I hope that it gets resolved and works out.

Mary@Holy Mackerel said...

So sorry some people are judging you.

There are always going to be people in this world who will do that, and oftentimes, they will be those closest to you...

I am fortunate in that I have a great husband, and some of my family who understand me and my "stuff". Others, I don't open myself up to because I know they don't get it, never will, and believe they know everything and, therefore, are free to judge.

And you know what? I don't have time or energy for them, regardless of who they are (i.e. family). Because life's too short.

Take care, Wendy. And know there are many who do understand, and care, and would never judge you.

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