Friday, September 17, 2010

It wasn't Safe to Come Out of the Water

First, I want to respond to those who suggested why not just go private? Well there are two reasons. One, I'd be giving more control to those I foolishly invited to read this blog long ago, I want to be able to be found by new readers and meet great new people like I have met some of you. And two, this was discussed with my family later Wednesday night as we ate cookies and milk. And from what I have seen and sadly learned, I believe these people would be so angry and petty they did not have access to what I was saying or could be saying about them, that they would break any deal made, until my page was made public again or until thy were invited to read it. Because when I talked about not getting new readers my Dad was like, have your page now be a synopsis of what you are about and invite people who are interested to email you and you can email them an invite to a private blog page or something like that. But when I presented my theory that these people would demand access, most agreed with me. Maybe I didn't include it but they don't want to be mentioned by US anywhere on the entire internet, not even "alluded" to, which is ridiculous I KNOW. So no giving them fake names to talk about them because so far, they can't agree to stop reading my blog.

Even on PRIVATE sites AND blogs, they never want to be mentioned by name, relationship or alluded to. So this is a whole other side to paranoia. Sandy asked these people what if I accidentally mention you in the next 5 years and they actually think no slip up should be made for at least 10 years. I don't know what perfect world they think they are living in, but they need to get their heads out of the...clouds. Of course I was going to say clouds.

Anyways, I cried a lot last night. Couldn't get the whole incident out of my brain. Did not help me at all, that is for sure. So Thursday was supposed to be a calm down day. I knew it was going to be difficult for however long it takes to reach a decision and I know for ME, it was going to take time, for this to not bother me SO much. To get over seeing in person the lack of faith in me, to have someone question my trust so unjustly, to try and calm the anger that IS justified at people, and I held so much back. I hurt last night.

So today it was nice to go out to dinner with my parents and sisters at a diner. We got home and us girls were watching a Chuck. And that is when the girls started getting texts from the people we hadn't expected to hear from again, wanting to come over again. I had to work so hard to keep calm, not cry or get angry or weepy. I kept expecting the deal to be brought up, to hear what wasn't working for them or if they wanted to agree or whatever, I was on EDGE. Nothing, just reminiscing. Such a let down. I wanted it to be just over.

So no I wasn't allowed, nor was the family allowed to have a drama free day. I think even those excited about the visits, also felt the stress, as it was just there. I just...it was more than I was prepared for. I am worried I am headed for a big anxiety attack. BIG.

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4 meaningful meanderings:

Sheri said...

Sorry to hear people are sucking badly and making you feel your blog isn't a safe place. Personally, I'd say such people have no place in your life to worry about, but I know you do. ::hugs:: You can get through this! :)

Toriz said...

I wish there was something I could say to make you feel better about all this. But I don't think there is, so I'll just send you some hugs, and hope they help!

*Hugs, hugs, hugs, hugs, hugs*

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in time out said...

i love that you write, I love that you are candid...I LOVE YOU just the way you are.

Whenever I get back to blogging, YOU are my very first stop....I love to come by and read what you have been up to.

Keep writing for those of us who need your candid way of telling it like it is.

If there are those who don't like your sharing they can choose to stop reading on their own. Sounds like they are grown ups and can choose to expose them selves to what they wish or wish not.

That said I have a private blog, and I have a hidden blog...one that is very candid and anonymous. I would have you, CHOOSE you to be both places with me.

Thanks for being my friend. Send me an email in a comment if you want me to invite you to my private world, and also if you want to read my junk [healing blog]. Friend!!!

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