Debbie Downer

Sorry that I haven't been posting or commenting. I am really mad at myself actually. It's not a vacation thing or a choice. It's more of a motivation thing. See, I don't have any, in regards to anything. Blogging, going to the movies, getting out of the house a lot...I'm not doing that. Except for forcing myself to do grocery shopping and errands, I am basically shutting myself in. I can't seem to help it, I have just lost all interest in everything. This bout of depression or whatever it is, is one of the scariest I have ever dealt with. It gets worse, never any better.

And circumstances are not helping improve the feeling. That endo. appointment being cancelled, when I had anxiously awaited it for 2 months to get the blood test results was a blow. Having them not fit me in for another 2 months, that turned into a stab. The fact that I have had to put away a lot of my clothes because they are not fitting has torn my self esteem apart. I feel like the surgery was a waste. I feel so fat and ugly, it has made me cry so much, like right now talking about it. I have had people who shattered my trust return to turn those shards into ground dust and make me choke on it. Everything makes me cry. Everything is just too hard. I can't take it.

I tell you if it weren't for two things, I probably wouldn't be here. I probably would have done something reckless to make the pain stop. If it weren't for the fact that I believe so much in my Mormon religion and if it weren't for my Mom, who is my sounding board and right now, my strength, I think I would have taken a bunch of my very potent drugs and just gone to sleep so I never had to wake up. I know it's morbid but these thoughts go through my brain a lot. My Mom says it's natural to think like this when you feel like I do...I don't know.

And my sisters I thought would be more understanding. I thought they would get how extremely bad things were for me, how this was unlike anything I've had, at least in more than 7 or more years. Katie, well, she is just so busy with her new job and her friends that I barely exist. Which is better than how things are with Sandy. Sandy I thought maybe would be a krutch for me, would get that I was dangerously broken. But whether she is off herself or whatever, I can't count on her. If she isn't yelling at me about not helping enough with cleaning the house, then she is yelling at me about not helping make meals. It's not like I am deliberately not trying to be helpful. She really doesn't get that I have no motivation or fight in me. That just getting out of bed or taking a shower lately takes a lot out of me. She doesn't get that I stay up even later lately and spend time helping my Mom get ready for work, just to be around my Mom, because it gives me comfort and sometimes even strength. I just wish she would open her eyes and see what a dangerous path I am on right now. I am walking atop the edge of a razor blade that seems to go on forever. One wrong move and I am going to fall and slice myself in two, dying. I wish she could understand that ME, I am afraid to be alone in my own head. It is scary and lonely and is basically my enemy now.

I keep descending into darkness on this roller coaster from Hell. It keeps plummeting and I am screaming my head off, but it never stops. There's no safety bar, so I can barely keep myself from falling into the dark abyss.

I am just so tired. I have given up. I have no more try left in me. It's scary how I am feeling and I worry. I feel...lost. I just want to get in bed and go to sleep and never think again, just stay in limbo forever. It's safer there.

Sorry if you read the whole thing and it got you down. This is my blog and this is how I am doing. I am doing bad. We decide this Sunday if the Wellbutrin is helping me or worsening my depression. I don't know, I can't see it. I just see DEPRESSION, period.