Losing It

Sorry Guys. I have been reading and doing some commenting, but as for me myself writing...well the post I left the other day still stands.

And it isn't getting any better or any easier. I continue to feel like I am going to throw up at the influx of emotions I feel. Odd how a tragic event can be that bat that breaks your knees, day after day after day. I wish I could be like other members of my family and put it in a box while they deal with their everyday lives, but that's not me sadly. I just am unable to compartmentalize like they can. It pops up in my mind all the time, so much so that I am having panic attacks all the time. If I think about it or the people, I most likely start sobbing. It weighs so heavy on my heart that it hurts and is so hard to breathe.

I know I am being vague with what this tragedy is, but this isn't something I would talk about on the blog. Not unless the involved party wanted it talked about for some reason you know? Which wouldn't happen for a LONG, LONG time if ever. Plus not all are aware yet of anything being...different.

I kind of wish I was like those people. Ignorance is bliss. But I know I would know eventually, it is just a fact. It would have been said, maybe even casually right in front of me and I would have freaked out and it would be old news but not to me. So I would have known eventually, I guess I just wish I could have hung onto to the innocence of not knowing what I know now, for just a little longer. Because once you know something, there is no taking it back. I mean seriously, think about it. You can't go up to a person and say their parent is dying and then take it back. They now know the truth and have to live with that until their parent is gone for good. Once the truth is out there, especially when it's not something good, it is out their forever. There is no forgetting it or checking it off and going on, bad news is there to stay.

It kind of made me wish I was a kid again. So that not only was I unaware of anything bad, but I wasn't going to be told of anything bad. Kids have it nice after all. The bad stuff is kept from them. Secrets they won't learn until much later in life.

I wish I was a kid again. Maybe the emotions would leave me be, so I could stop crying all the time. Maybe I wouldn't read the title of one of my blog friends posts and want to rip her a new one because it hit a little too close. Maybe I could get through the day without someone looking at me and asking "Are you alright?".

"No. I am far from alright. Something bad happened...not even to me, but I am freaking out and losing it."