Judged by the Non-Judgemental

I am really finding it hard to deal with anything right now. And just so you all know, NO I am not lying and the tragedy is actually about me. My Mom suggested that maybe someone thought that. It's not, just about someone very close and loved, so I can't seem to get past it and it has flared up all of my problems so much, that I am just crying all the time and having panic attacks over nothing. It hurts to breathe and the slightest thing can cause me to cry, even if it seems silly to others. So it is real late, no Kristina around to email and get a immediate response. But I can't stop myself so here goes my post. Somethings are just too much and I have been pushed too far and if I don't get these feelings out...I don't know, I just need them OUT. NOW.

So I was surprised to see an email from someone I considered a blogger friend in my inbox. She was one of the few I had still been commenting on lately, because I knew she was starting somewhere new. I felt lost and didn't want that for her too. It is hard to feel so alone. I wasn't expecting an email that was biting and it took me off guard and yeah, made me cry. I had made an offhand remark to her about money, basically because I care and don't want her to be lonely. I was shocked and hurt when I got the short email and sent one of my own saying how I WAS responsible and try not to jump down people's throats, and that I am the one in her 30's, while she is in her early 20's so I have more experience with such matters. I think that makes total sense don't you think, almost 10 years on someone GIVES you more experience. I wanted this over, I can't DEAL with this conflict, but instead of being the easy going person I thought she was, she thanked me for putting HER down because of her age and she hadn't known I saw her that way.

Which killed me! I never said that, in NO way could you take that in context even, from my short to the point email. So I gave in and emailed back again, struggling to hold it together, even though this is KILLING me. Because it IS, having to deal with this on top of that fact that all I really want to do is go to sleep and never wake up? Yeah I KNOW it is an unhealthy feeling but I am struggling right now. Maybe if she was reading me still she'd know that and be giving me a freaking break. Anyway, I write to her that I have always thought her more of an equal, that she has an old soul. That I felt like her initial comments were putting ME down because of the fact that I live at home and have mental disorders. And that hurt and isn't fair because I have been in charge of my money since I was 18. And that I was just trying to find a way she could be happy in her new place.

Well I would think you could find nothing insulting in that. I would think you could only find that complimentary and be shown, wow, somewhere cares about me. But I am wrong. She pounced on everything that didn't make sense, to her. HOW was she insulting me? Of course I could be insulting her but it only works one way apparently. Telling me I am why America is in a crisis is so not an insult. And that it was RUDE of me to suggest that because of my AGE, I deal with money more often. Have I seen how many expensive items she has bought over the years? She spends money all the time.

Yeah I LOVED that part. Rude of me. PLEASE people can someone explain to me how a simple FACT of nature is rude? I am 8-9 years older than this woman. So when I started making money babysitting, she was still IN diapers. When I was left the inheritance from my grandfather at 18, which I made all sorts of mistakes with and learned a LOT of lessons with, she was maybe 10 years old. So I am pretty FREAKING sure, I have been dealing with money longer than she has. And due to that inheritance and the mistakes I made I have spent plenty of money. And I to this day stimulate the economy though I admit I spend it on smarter things than others. So how is it rude to say I, because of my advanced years, deal with money more? And you know what else? I also do the grocery shopping and errand shopping for this household, so I have to stick to a budget for FIVE people, not one single person. TRY THAT.

So I still wanted this to be okay though. I know, some of you would be why Wendy, but I don't like to fight with people I thought were my friends, I thought I knew. So I tried again. I told her it felt like she was chastising me like I was a child, because of my disorders. And that I know how expensive items are but that I also know how lonely it must be moving to a new place and I wanted her to be as comfortable as possible. And that it isn't rude, because when I WAS 18, she was maybe 10. That I am older and have had to deal with it longer. THAT IS ALL. That I thought she got that I don't go around insulting people and HOW would I know it was a joke? It broke my heart.

I thought it would finally get through to her that I never insulted HER. That whatever was bothering her she would stop taking out on ME. That she would email back and it would finally be okay. Like I needed it to be. Was praying for it to be. But of course me prayers aren't exactly being answered lately. She wrote back. To tell me her comments never suggested my disorders or living at home made "me a silly child". Yeah loved that line, that was all her, guess what it made me feel since I never called myself that? See she is allowed to read between the lines and find things that weren't there, but it is illegal for me, even though I think by that statement we see she does think low of me. She told ME not to email HER.

Yeah I loved that one too. Because SHE started THIS. See, she doesn't like people being condescending, it's a pet peeve. Ironic, considering that is all she has done to me since she first emailed. See when you email or text someone and you want them to know it's a joke, you add LOL, or J/K, or something so they know you didn't just slap them across the face. She never bothered. And apparently this silly child assumed wrong when she though talking to her would get things worked out so they could remain friends. I don't like fake people. And I guess she is fake because she is not who she pretended to be. Some nice, non-judgemental, free-spirited, funny person. Silly child? You have no idea what I have been through in my life, what I have had to endure, what I have to wake up knowing for the rest of my freaking life. Don't YOU call me a silly child. You have NO idea how long I have had to be an adult. WAY longer than is fair.

And then she ended her last email with, can you guess it? Yes you may be older but I live on my own. I have a full-time job. I deal with more money than you do (um does she know what is in my checking or in my mutual funds?!). I am incredibly smart about my money (I could say things here) I don't need you to tell me how to spend it (evil Wen suggesting you buy that TV). I dislike getting advice from people when it's not asked for.

Yeah she actually ended it with that line. She wrote a POST complaining about her situation and I made a ONE line comment at like 4 in the morning one day supporting HER blog though she doesn't bother to comment on here anymore, and she manages t0 put me down 4 days in a row. And I kept waiting and waiting for her emails, hoping it was finally going to be the one where she was back to the girl I KNEW and she was going to be herself and sorry for being PMS-ing or whatever and that she appreciated my wanting her just to be happy. Because I told her time and time again that is all I wanted. Why isn't that enough for her? I would love for people to tell me they want me to be happy and she just is spitting on it, twisting it and making it ugly and I can't understand that.

Happiness feels so unattainable to me, so why would someone who is being wished it repeatedly, throwing it back in your face? I went to her blog and posted since no emails. I said don't throw stones at glass houses. That she was the one who emailed ME. How would I know she was joking? She has no idea what my monetary situation is here and I thought she would be less judgemental. That I tried to show her I was worried about her and as an older person I do have more experience with bills. Why is that an insult?

And that is that. Knowing her sway, if she chooses to go public and badmouth me outright I could lose most of you. I am not sure if I would be surprised because I thought I knew her. I really did. But obviously I don't. There were some traits she has that made me think if I needed to, I might be able to talk to her about deep stuff. I guess it is a good thing I never acted on that. I could probably name her as she goes by on here, but that's not me. I needed to vent my hurt, is all. I can't take anymore see, and I feel like I am barely hanging on. I am so very tired.

WHY now? I just do not get it. I have been following her and commenting for almost 2 years, so why did she have to pick NOW to pick one simple sentence and implode against me? At a point where I NEED friends, not need to lose them or need to battle them. Why?