Friday, August 13, 2010

Depression Regression

I thought about not writing about how I was really feeling. That I could lose reader or followers, etc. And then my Mom told me if someone stopped reading me because I wrote about how I am feeling then they are not worth having as a reader. And I think she is right. Besides I made a vow to be honest on my blog, and how I am feeling is as honest as it can get.

I'm really not doing well at all. I know it is redundant, but I feel so lonely and alone. I have my family, of course. But I don't really have anyone else. My friend H is just not being there for me, no matter how much I tell her I need my friend right now. N lives in Mass. and we just never seem to connect when she is here, and W is a new Mom, so it's understandable that it is baby world 24/7. And I just have never felt too comfortable talking depression with the last two, they have never had it, and not like I do. So it can feel so awkward.

So it feels like I have no where to turn to, besides my Mom, lately. It gives me a feeling of such isolation, which terrifies me. I get this feeling where I feel like a camera is going around me in a 360 degree angle and I am alone, no one there to help me, and it panics me. What do I do if I lose it completely and there is no one there but me? I am NOT an optimistic person, I see myself withering up and disappearing. Or dying.
It's starting to feel like there is a distance growing between me and the things that make me feel secure. Like I am in the center and the things that have been known to help me: my Mom, Maxie, certain Imagery Scenarios, the Fam, music, etc. are all like 10 feet away from me in a circular pattern, so they are all at the same distance. They never were that far away before. And when I make a step towards one, they get further away, which only further frustrates me until I am running after them in tears....yeah.
Some of my family are saying they see good things from these new meds I am on. Which is nice...if true. I don't see it, and right now I don't care because I feel out of control, I feel like I am sitting in the dark, in a corner, trying to curl into as small a ball as possible. Because it hurts to be seen, because if someone can see me, then they can see my pain, and that thought it scary as all get out.

When I didn't know what depression was, I didn't understand what could be as big a deal as people sad. I got it was not good, because I saw it made my Mom and my little sister cry, a LOT, but I didn't get why. Then I was 18 and it slowly started invading me, and 14 years later, you would think I would understand it better, but I don't. I understand how it feels now, but I don't get it any better than I did before I ever had it. All I know is that it hurts, like a painful weapon, and I can cry like someone died, and sometimes I wonder if that is because someone has...me?

I am not even sure I know who Wendy M_____ would have been or turned out to be, if things had turned out a little different and I never got depressed. If I never got all the other disorders, and the OCD and then the BiPolar II. Who would I be?

Instead of this screwed up version of Wendy who cries all the time, can't hold a job because she is so messed up and can't even do the online schooling yet because she can't stop crying right now? I am just so unhappy and scared and tired of feeling like such a failure. Katie should get her test results tomorrow, Sam might have a job by tomorrow...my LITTLE sisters. And I have nothing, I do the groceries and run errands, ohhhhh. I am such a loser and such a failure, not what my parents deserved.

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4 meaningful meanderings:

Toriz said...

You are neither a loser nor a failure, and I'm sure your Mom has told you that several times. I'm also positive they will agree with me that the rest of that final statement is false too. You're a great person, Wendy. It isn't your fault you got dealt such a rubbish hand in life. It isn't your fault you have all these things wrong with you healthwise, and - being totally honest - I think you cope with them really well, considering the amount of them you have to deal with.

Just hang in there, and keep chasing after those things that comfort you. One day you will reach them and feel the security you used to feel from them.

And in the meantime... Just remember that there are people out there who do care, and who will offer you an ear and a shoulder... Even if they can't offer more than that.

Also, your Mom is right. If people stop reading your blog because you put your true feelings down, then they aren't worth having as readers in the first place. The people worth having around are those who will stick around for the bad posts as well as the good.

Hang in there, Wendy, and remember... You aren't alone!

*Hugs*

Sheri said...

Everyone has things that they have to struggle with, some just get it all at once and I think that is where you are right now. Things will get better, hopefully soon.

For me when I get down, I find something that will occupy my thoughts like reading a really good book, watching a favorite movie, playing a video game, artwork, etc. Do you have something that you can focus on for an extended amount of time to help you focus on other things?

Also, remember you have all your Blog friends to lean on and be here for ya. :)

Kristina P. said...

I'm so sorry Wendy. I hope that this new medication brings you some happiness.

~Onreeone~ said...

I've been a follower of yours for quite sometime now. I never would hav guessed that you suffer the way you do. Depression is real-and hard to deal with. I know, I suffer from it quite often.

I'm sorry that you are feeling so down right now, but don't give up. Don't give into it and let it control you. You are blessed to have such a family that cares about you. And your friends, well, I'm pretty sure that they don't even realize the strain that you feel and the loneliness.

Think of this as another season of life. It will pass and you will be a stronger woman for it.

I can say all of this because I know first hand what depression can do. I have fought it my whole life. Thirty five years later, I accept that somedays will be dark, but I do not give in. Well, in all honesty sometimes I do and then feel guilty for the woe is me pitty parties that I have for myself.
Being the Mom here I think helps me because I know I have responsibilities to my family and my children especially. They have seen me at my best and at my worst and ya know what....they still love me.

I don't know what meds they have you on but I take celexa and it seems to help with the mood swings. I still have my moments, and xanax is a must on a daily basis to keep my heart from racing.

Our minds are very powerful tools. Try to think happy thoughts and be positive even when you have no desire too. My thoughts and prayers are with you at this difficult time in your life. and

Your MOM was right! Honey, if you lose followers because of your personal honesty in your post, then they shouldn't follow you in the first Place. Blessings A Plenty coming your way!

Angie

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