I thought about not writing about how I was really feeling. That I could lose reader or followers, etc. And then my Mom told me if someone stopped reading me because I wrote about how I am feeling then they are not worth having as a reader. And I think she is right. Besides I made a vow to be honest on my blog, and how I am feeling is as honest as it can get.
I'm really not doing well at all. I know it is redundant, but I feel so lonely and alone. I have my family, of course. But I don't really have anyone else. My friend H is just not being there for me, no matter how much I tell her I need my friend right now. N lives in Mass. and we just never seem to connect when she is here, and W is a new Mom, so it's understandable that it is baby world 24/7. And I just have never felt too comfortable talking depression with the last two, they have never had it, and not like I do. So it can feel so awkward.
So it feels like I have no where to turn to, besides my Mom, lately. It gives me a feeling of such isolation, which terrifies me. I get this feeling where I feel like a camera is going around me in a 360 degree angle and I am alone, no one there to help me, and it panics me. What do I do if I lose it completely and there is no one there but me? I am NOT an optimistic person, I see myself withering up and disappearing. Or dying.
It's starting to feel like there is a distance growing between me and the things that make me feel secure. Like I am in the center and the things that have been known to help me: my Mom, Maxie, certain Imagery Scenarios, the Fam, music, etc. are all like 10 feet away from me in a circular pattern, so they are all at the same distance. They never were that far away before. And when I make a step towards one, they get further away, which only further frustrates me until I am running after them in tears....yeah.
Some of my family are saying they see good things from these new meds I am on. Which is nice...if true. I don't see it, and right now I don't care because I feel out of control, I feel like I am sitting in the dark, in a corner, trying to curl into as small a ball as possible. Because it hurts to be seen, because if someone can see me, then they can see my pain, and that thought it scary as all get out.
When I didn't know what depression was, I didn't understand what could be as big a deal as people sad. I got it was not good, because I saw it made my Mom and my little sister cry, a LOT, but I didn't get why. Then I was 18 and it slowly started invading me, and 14 years later, you would think I would understand it better, but I don't. I understand how it feels now, but I don't get it any better than I did before I ever had it. All I know is that it hurts, like a painful weapon, and I can cry like someone died, and sometimes I wonder if that is because someone has...me?
I am not even sure I know who Wendy M_____ would have been or turned out to be, if things had turned out a little different and I never got depressed. If I never got all the other disorders, and the OCD and then the BiPolar II. Who would I be?
Instead of this screwed up version of Wendy who cries all the time, can't hold a job because she is so messed up and can't even do the online schooling yet because she can't stop crying right now? I am just so unhappy and scared and tired of feeling like such a failure. Katie should get her test results tomorrow, Sam might have a job by tomorrow...my LITTLE sisters. And I have nothing, I do the groceries and run errands, ohhhhh. I am such a loser and such a failure, not what my parents deserved.