I am feeling basically ruled by my disorders as of late. Even with the now 5 medications to try and control my depression, anxieties, OCD and BiPolar, I feel like they are crushing me down and cutting off my air supply. They are also making the few things I enjoyed before, things I just can't enjoy.
I feel no motivation to DO anything anymore. It is hard to just get out of bed, I really don't want to, I want to sleep all the time. So when you just want to sleep, you have no energy. I have been sucking back 5 Hour Energy drinks just to stay awake and be around my family. Which makes Sandy worry as caffeine is apparently not good for BiPolars but I need my family. So I am barely on the computer at all, so that means I am lucky if I play catch up on reading blogs. The thought of actually writing blogs seems stupid, as it seems like I will just lose you all if I am depressing day after day. And I can't lose my only friends. I don't talk to anyone else.
I rarely go to the movies anymore. And I definitely don't go by myself anymore, which used to get me out of the house if I felt trapped. And you know I am a movie-holic.
I lay here on the couch and I am confused. It was cry ALL the time. Then a scary deadness inside. Now it feels like I am not good, but not bad, but while you may think that is good, it isn't. But I have this utter feeling of trepidation that something is hanging over my head and the minute I believe that it will come crashing down on me and hurt worse than the crying pain. I know you might think I am crazy, but I know when things are bad in me, when they are not right, when they are wrong. And what I am feeling feels wrong. It scares me, not assures me. I have a feeling the ground beneath me is very thin, and I am being set up to fall through to a much darker pain. Because Lucifer knows I have given up. I told my Mom that. I'm done. She told me she will try for me while I can't try for me for now, which made me cry of course. I am just so tired and want it to be over. But as a good Mormon, I want it to be God's will and he want me to go "home" now too.
Thank goodness for my mother. If I didn't have her to talk to, who knows what I would do sometimes. When you are so out of control, emotion wise, it is hard to control yourself. Luckly she gets it, she had depression so she understands a lot of what I talk about. She talks me through tough spots until I am feeling like I got the feelings I felt trapped inside me, OUT.
So I am sorry I am being a sucky blog friend. I am not much of a person anymore if it makes you feel better. I am tired all the time, and the newer meds are making me even more tired...and peeing all the time, I am an old lady. I will have a giveaway soon. Get to try smoothies so have to do that soon.
I wish I was stronger. I feel like I am letting so many people in different parts of my life down. I am just tired of ME.