Saturday, November 6, 2010

Cut Off

I am feeling basically ruled by my disorders as of late. Even with the now 5 medications to try and control my depression, anxieties, OCD and BiPolar, I feel like they are crushing me down and cutting off my air supply. They are also making the few things I enjoyed before, things I just can't enjoy.

I feel no motivation to DO anything anymore. It is hard to just get out of bed, I really don't want to, I want to sleep all the time. So when you just want to sleep, you have no energy. I have been sucking back 5 Hour Energy drinks just to stay awake and be around my family. Which makes Sandy worry as caffeine is apparently not good for BiPolars but I need my family. So I am barely on the computer at all, so that means I am lucky if I play catch up on reading blogs. The thought of actually writing blogs seems stupid, as it seems like I will just lose you all if I am depressing day after day. And I can't lose my only friends. I don't talk to anyone else.

I rarely go to the movies anymore. And I definitely don't go by myself anymore, which used to get me out of the house if I felt trapped. And you know I am a movie-holic.

I lay here on the couch and I am confused. It was cry ALL the time. Then a scary deadness inside. Now it feels like I am not good, but not bad, but while you may think that is good, it isn't. But I have this utter feeling of trepidation that something is hanging over my head and the minute I believe that it will come crashing down on me and hurt worse than the crying pain. I know you might think I am crazy, but I know when things are bad in me, when they are not right, when they are wrong. And what I am feeling feels wrong. It scares me, not assures me. I have a feeling the ground beneath me is very thin, and I am being set up to fall through to a much darker pain. Because Lucifer knows I have given up. I told my Mom that. I'm done. She told me she will try for me while I can't try for me for now, which made me cry of course. I am just so tired and want it to be over. But as a good Mormon, I want it to be God's will and he want me to go "home" now too.

Thank goodness for my mother. If I didn't have her to talk to, who knows what I would do sometimes. When you are so out of control, emotion wise, it is hard to control yourself. Luckly she gets it, she had depression so she understands a lot of what I talk about. She talks me through tough spots until I am feeling like I got the feelings I felt trapped inside me, OUT.

So I am sorry I am being a sucky blog friend. I am not much of a person anymore if it makes you feel better. I am tired all the time, and the newer meds are making me even more tired...and peeing all the time, I am an old lady. I will have a giveaway soon. Get to try smoothies so have to do that soon.

I wish I was stronger. I feel like I am letting so many people in different parts of my life down. I am just tired of ME.

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6 meaningful meanderings:

Kristina P. said...

Wendy, I have been thinking about you. I had hoped you weren't online as much because you were busy with fun stuff, so I'm sad that this isn't the case.

Something is clearly not working, and it sounds like things are worse now than ever. Your meds are not being effective. You know how I feel about going to therapy as well. I truly, truly believe that would help you.

Sending virtual hugs.

Toriz said...

I was starting to worry about you! Like Christina, I hoped you were away doing fun stuff. I'm sorry to hear it's not the case. :(

I wish there was something I could say to make you feel better... Something I could do to give you the strength to break free from your despair and suffering. But I can't think of anything that would help. All I can do is remind you that I'm here if you need a friendly shoulder. And send you some virtual hugs...

*Hugs, hugs, hugs*

Amander said...

Ditto to Kristina's comment.

Something isn't working. I hope you can find something new that works. My dad always quotes Albert Einstein to me and says, "The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, and expecting different results."

I always hate to hear that, because sometimes I don't want to try something new, but sometimes that's the only option.

I'm glad you have a great mom to support you. She sounds like a wonderful person, and she obviously believes you are very worthwhile saving.

Hope things start to look up.

Lady Fromage said...

I hope things get better for you, hang in there. I recently was put on a multitude of meds myself (for anxity related things). It sucks, I hate feeling drugged, and worse when I know I rely on that to make it thru the day.

I hope things get better for you!

-Lady Fromage

Crystal said...

I totally know how you feel! I've been sleeping a LOT lately and get exhausted after just being awake for a few hours. It takes a crazy amount of coffee to keep me going!

And I can't go to the movies because of panic attacks. Sucks!

Judy said...

I just read your post and am truly sorry you are feeling the way you are. We don't know each other but I have felt the way you do and know how painful it is. Although medications may help they don't very often do the trick completely and sometimes seems they are not working much at all.
I am glad to hear you have God in your life as that is what sometimes helps me more than anything else. God wants us to be consistent but still forgives us when we are not able. Are you praying? Are you asking him for help? If you need to take a break, take one but do not give up. Tell God every morning (or whenever you wake)that you are expecting something good every day then look for it. Tell him you are listening for him and will make every effort to do your part. Speak it out loud. Ask him to do what you can not. Await in expectation. You are expected to try but he knows you may not always succeed. Do what you can even if it is sitting outside for 10 minutes looking for something good.
I'm praying for you too. No one deserves to feel that pain but please find one small reason not to really give up.
God and others love you so have some compassion on yourself.

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