I admit it, today is a down in the Pit of Despair day. It is not like any day has been very pleasant, for awhile, so I know it may seem confusing when I say today is a Pit of Despair day. Sadly, with my depression, BiPolar, OCD and anxiety disorders, I have gotten used to being pretty overloaded with sadness and feelings of being alone. But luckily if you have things to keep you occupied, or a day where you get together with a good friend, etc., then you can try to shift that to the back of your mind. (it is hard to do, don't think this is easy) It never leaves totally of course, but on an okay day, you can have moments where you forget that you were just overwhelmed with feelings of melancholy, if just for that one moment in time.
Sadly, there were none of those moments today...or yesterday. It has instead been a period, some of you will understand, where you can't get the despair to leave, even for a second. It covers you like a second skin and just dogs every step you take. And when you are actually alone, and have no one else's day or problem to even pretend to be distracted by? You just feel like you are drowning in your own misery and you know there isn't anything you can do about it, but continue to drown. Because while meds or therapy are small life preservers thrown at you, as you are battered against the ragged sides of the Pit of Despair, they are hard to reach and sometimes even sink to the bottom.
I was really far down in the Pit tonight. Just trying to explain to my Mother, the feelings in my heart and head caused me to break down in tears. I feel broken. I know that many people who experience depression, have that feeling of, am I being punished?, and there it was again. The rational parts left in my brain know I am not being punished, that I didn't do something to "deserve" this, but it is quite a challenge to remain rational, when your world feels like it is crumbling all around you. And tonight those feelings just spilled over and I felt like I could not catch my breath. It was all my brain would stay on, this utter depression. So my Mom let me cry a little, and talked to me about fear. We talked about the car accident we were in and that lead to me talking about my fear of cars still, and my mother said she felt the same way too.
And suddenly my brain was humming. I had other thoughts floating through my brain. I told her about how Whitney's little sister was in an accident that reminded me of ours and how that brought that fear about driving right back into my brain. How brave Lindsey was compared to my meltdown and ambulance ride. How the other lady flipped her van and casserole. Which led my brain to think of other bloggers. I told her how Mary gave birth to Cooper and Carter and how bad the nurses were at her hospital too, and how only one helped her out. How cute the camo onesies looked, because their daddy was a Ranger, so it made it even more special. I told her about how babies were all over bloggyland lately. I talked about missing Yaya and hoping her adoption went through, and how upsetting it was when Yaya had to shut her blog down because the adoption agency had a problem with it. I told her about how I even saw an adoption through the church from the beginning with Brittany, and how awe-inspiring their adoption story was. How beautiful the relationship was between Britt and the birth mom. How much her son is going to break hearts, with his adorabley handsome good looks. How I hoped one day, my Mom would want to hear more about how amazing their story is, that to this day, it's beauty just astounds me and the way the found the birth mom was so adorable and just added to the story's specialness. I just talked about some of my blog friends. And when I stopped after awhile had passed, I realized I felt calmer. That the absolute fear that had been paralyzing me was gone, even if just for a little while. All because I just talked about my blog friends. So today, while I was drowning in the pit of despair, it was my blog friends and their stories, that saved me, and made it so, for just a little while, I could actually breathe. Without even being there, the friends I have made through blogging, helped stop the pain I was in. Even if it doesn't last too long, I was astounded that just talking about some of you, was enough to calm my frayed nerves. Thank you all, just for being you.