Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Why and How

Okay I admit it, I am not doing well still. I had a blessing, but I just feel wrong. (And I'd also like to give Lee an FYI. Mormons ARE Christians. I will so get you free pamphlets if you want) I think this whole thing kind of opened the floodgates to some other things I didn't realize were even on my mind. I am just trying to get through today, to keep myself otherwise occupied. But apparently my brain had some talking to do first, and I had to get it written down. So being a faster typer than writer, even with my two fingered typing (although I have noticed a third finger joining in...oh wait nope the thumbs hitting the space bar don't really count), I started to type the poem I felt forming in my head. I haven't felt a poem in a long while, you may have noticed the lack of it. And it may not even BE a poem, I don't really know what constitutes a poem, but I call it one regardless. A song stuck in my head is the melody I initially let the words flow to, then I played other songs and a snippet or a word from the song inspired the next paragraph, until I had a really long poem. I am sorry it is so long, but when I reread it out loud, as nonsensical as it might actualy be, I liked it. It felt right, it felt like the things that I was and am feeling.

Why And How

You don't know me well

But how can I expect you to?

When I don't know myself

How can I ask you to?


I thought you'd pick up my slack

But what gives me that right?

You never agreed to do both your work and mine

Why should that be asked of you?


I reached out my hand for yours

Why did I think ours would entwine there?

You have a life of your own to live

Why should my lack of one be your concern?


I sung out the beginning of a tune

Why did I think you'd know the rest?

My brain works in odd twists and turns

Why did I think you could understand me?


I fell on the ground and lost my way

Why did I think you could guide me home?

As Winter bursts around me and buries me in ice

Why did I assume you could offer me shelter?


As the darkness surrounds me and sings it has won

Why did I think you could make the fear run and hide?

As I doubt my worth and reasons for being here

Why did I think you could offer me answers?


As another day ends and I have done nothing worthy

How can I expect you to show me I have made you proud?

When everything is going so wrong and is a nightmare

How can I think you can turn things around to be better?


As days go by and my need for help never seems to abate

Why do I wish you would offer more than I give in return?

As happy couples dance by me and I sit alone once more

Why do I feel you should offer your shoulder to cry on?


As I lose myself more inside my mind and its’ angry sadness

How can I expect you to have the power to change me?

As I fool myself again and again into thinking I will be me again

Why do I feel such anger that you haven’t answered my prayers?


I am the only one stuck inside the havoc that is my brain

How can I think you can help me escape its’ grasp?

I can’t believe this is the life you set out for me to live

Why did I think you’d lend me a hand and set me free?


The writing has been there on the wall for the world to see

Why do I keep expecting you to wipe it clean and let me start again?

If I had known this was when the best of my life should have been…

How can I turn the clock back and recapture what has slipped through my fingers?


The tears fall down my face and I feel it is too late

Why does it feel like you have given up on me, like I am lost to you?

My soul has been torn apart like cheap pieces of paper

So why do I keep looking for you in the foggy forest of my thoughts?


I keep searching for the path that had that railing you made for me

But why can I no longer see it, no matter which way I look to?

If I am not alone and you are here with me, by my side

Why is the pain so bad and the darkness so near?


If I had known the course my life would take and objected

Would you have changed things to make me less scared to live it?

If I am not crazy, if I haven’t totally lost my mind

Why do people look at me so strangely, like I am a freak?


If other people share these same trials and tribulations as I

Why do they hide themselves from me, when I need to know I am not alone?

It seems like life shows me no mercy, though I know others have it worse

But why do I feel like my pain is the worst there has ever been?


You don’t know me well, but then neither do I, isn’t that sad

When will that change, will I ever know the real me?

I expect you to know me and what is inside my whole heart

Why do I expect you to be by my side and tell me I’m not lost?


Tell me I am not lost to you.


post signature

13 meaningful meanderings:

Kristina P. said...

This was lovely, Wendy.

And I'm so sorry you're still not feeling well. I completely empathize.

Sarah said...

very nice. I can't write to save my life.

I don't mind the Playboy magazine. I usually open it before he does...call me crazy. I also don't mind strip clubs or internet porn. As long as there is no touching of the women...again...call me crazy. I've never minded this sort of thing. My thing is this: MOST guys look at this stuff, I don't expect my guy to lie to me and I wouldn't demand he quit...it is just looking and I think it's completely normal and more common than MANY women think. If they only checked their computers "history"..they may be shocked! It happens, no sense fighting about it.
Hope you feel better soon :)

Yaya said...

Wow. Wendy. That is amazing.

You are NOT alone Wendy. Trust me. I'm lost in my mind a lot too, spiraling downward. Somehow I always resurface, but it's hard.

(((Hugs)))

sherri said...

Thank you for offering to send a card to Tyson and yes, he is still over there, and as you said, I think he'll still enjoy receiving cards...it will come on the perfect day.

Thanks again.

sherri said...

Oh, and very nice poem.

bluecottonmemory said...

What a beautiful poem! So sad, though! God does wipe the slate clean--sometimes we just won't let ourselves see it that way! I'm a firm believer in speaking faith, speaking hope. What you speak plants the seeds of how you feel in your life. Speak faith and hope in yours!
Have a blessed day!

Jillene said...

Lovely poem Wendy. Really. I am sorry that you are feeling this way and I hope that writting this poem will help you to feel better.

Amander said...

Writing is a great outlet. I think you should keep it up!

Jessica♥ said...

I couldn't read through all of that. I stopped once it let down.
You're great Wendy.

Izzy said...

Wow wendy that was a good poem I'm sorry you still arnt feeling well I would like to say it will be okay but as of right now I havnt been feeling well myself...
not that i think it gives me a right to not say anything inspirational just my mind cant think of anything inspirational :/

I know things end up looking up after a while its just a rut I can tell you that much,
something will give eventually and youll feel more uplifted again.

in the mean time I do love the poem it made me cry you got some good tallent there ya know weather you know it or not ^_^

on a funny note along with two finger typing I do the same thing I have to look at every little square on the keyboard then Ill go back and fix it later if I had a typo...

as of late i notice not so much looking down tho.

OH I'm making something super special for you Wendy I just thought I would give you the heads up ^_^
<3

Lee said...

Let me rephrase that. xD That's why I prefer being... whatever denomination I am.
I have nothing against mormons. I'm friends with a lot of them. I just don't understand a lot of the religion, and there are a lot of rules that I could never follow.

Beautiful poem, Wendy.

Tori_z said...

Sorry you're still not feeling well. *Hugs*

That's a lovely poem. And, yes, it is a poem. I forget the proper name for that type of poem... I was told once, when I was attending writing classes. It doesn't matter though. Whatever it's called, it's a good poem. *Hugs*

Sheri said...

I'm sorry you aren't feeling well. ::big virtual hug!::

The poem is really beautiful. :)

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