Tuesday, February 9, 2010

I Hate Conflict

You think that fighting with a family member is bad. I mean family members know your sore spots, the things that will hurt you the most, the buttons that will make you explode. But things COULD be worse. Yup, you could be in a fight that involves your ENTIRE family. That happened tonight. A tiff between 2 that affected 3, then a 4th got involved until the 5th walked in to see what was going on.

And that is when all Hell breaks loose, and things are said in the spur of the moment that sear one person, and to protect the feelings of another person, one person says something that comes out all wrong and lays the blame for things on one person's shoulders. It just unravels from there, and really, it is everyone's fault. Well, not the dog's, Max was trying to either snore away or give kisses. And Mom was trying to smooth feelings that were hurt. But sometimes having people apologize is not enough, because family can hurt you the most. If you haven't realized it by know, think about it. They know all your deepest fears and worries, so when they feel the need to strike back, they use that knowledge against you.

I know that for me, it was really Hell. I hate conflict. Hate fighting and crying, and everything that goes along with it. I felt so many emotions: utter hurt, fear, anger, guilt, sorrow and every other negative emotion. Even now, when the fight is over. People apologized, made promises to try to do this or do that, I can't let it go. I want to, of course. But being me, having my brain, I can't seem to let it go away. I feel bad for the things that I said that may have hurt someone. I feel bad for my part in the fight. I fear that I cause conflict, just having to deal with me and my problems. I worry that everyone is saying that things are okay, but that secretly, they are all still angry with me or upset or whatever emotion they could be. I can't seem to accept that it is done. A thing of the past. Another reason I hate conflict to begin with. It doesn't just run off my back, not even when it is done with. It stays in my brain and I fret all night and sometimes for days after, that people are not being sincere in their actions now, that they are still mad or upset or crying themselves. So even when it is not ALL my fault, I feel guilt for it all. And worry we are not okay, even when people shake me and go, Wendy, we are all GOOD. I hate conflict.

I can only be thankful that fights between the entire family do not occur that often. Conflicts between 2 or 3 people is bad enough, and while my sisters can let something slide off their backs, I DO tend to take things to heart. All things. I am way too sensitive but can't seem to help it. I have been told I wear my heart on my sleeve, and well, sometimes you can't change who you are. I think this part of me is very deeply ingrained. So is the absolute hatred of conflict. My family are the people who see ME get into the conflict. I hate it so much that I avoid it with friends, which also leads to being taken advantage of, as I would rather not argue so they will get their way. Anything to avoid conflict. I know I should stand up for myself, but I hate conflict. Even with my family, as mad as I am, I sill have a hard time putting those feelings into words, so I am not about to go through that with people who don't get that. Which is most people and friends.

How do you handle conflict? Are you someone who takes it head-on, or do you hide from it like me? And do you agree that conflict with family can be the worst, because they know your weaknesses?

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6 meaningful meanderings:

Izzy said...

yeah i feel your pain :/ familyfights arnt good T_T
which reminds me i'm so procrastinating on my fight with my dad blog... well more like his fight with me :/ court has been postponed aain so i'm kinda waiting for it to be finished
alot of frustration

in any case i know its not gonna help anything but sometimes a good ol hug seems to ease stress so heres a hug for you

Mary said...

I try to find middle ground when it comes to conflict, and pick my battles wisely.

I don't think there is a family out there that doesn't have some kind of continual conflict, whether big or small. I have learned that the farther I live away from my mom and older sister, the happier I am...and I know that sounds harsh, but it's all in the name of my happiness. Also, the further I live away from my immediate in-laws (which is hard since one just moved in), the happier I am. When you have family all under the same roof, especially woman, there is going to be conflict.

So, when other people are in a conflict I only put in my two cents when asked, I'm more than willing to listen and help someone brainstorm...but I've learned you have to let people fight their own battles.

Anonymous said...

Maybe you should seek counseling if you have that much trouble letting things go.

Sarah said...

I also agree with anonymous and will say that counseling could help ALOT. I don't know ifyou have ever been, I know that you have a few emotional issues that YOU aren't happy with. I went for 4 months and it helped SO SO much.

Thankfully my family is fairly conflict free, with the exception of my bi-polar Aunt who I have refused to speak to in over a year.

I usually take a few hours to calm down and then I tackle it head on. I hate sitting on that stuff, I MAKE myself deal with it.

Amander said...

Family fights aren't fun, but unfortunately they are a part of life. I hope you are able to work with conflict a litte better in the future. It doesn't mean that people hate each other!

Toriz said...

I try to let the person blow off steam, then have my say when they've let off enough steam to actually stand a chance of listening. However, that plan doesn't always work, and sometimes things get said that rub me the wrong way, and cause me to throw my "wait, and you'll get your say," plan out of the window in favour of yelling my views at anyone close enough to hear.

I'm also - unfortunately - one of those people who seems to know the right things to say to get the effect I want. Meaning, I'm good at calming people, if I want to be. However, I also know just what to say to hurt people the most.

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