Thursday, April 9, 2009

Getting Along with the Enemy

I saw this writing prompt awhile ago and filed it away for a later date. Well today seemed like the perfect day to do some writing stretches as I am quite rusty. The prompt: "Write a light hearted piece on how to get along with an enemy."

It is actually quite easy to get along splendidly with your worst enemy. I have developed tried and true techniques over the years that are absolutely essential to obtaining this goal. The first thing you need to do is arm yourself. Get all the biggest, dirtiest dirt you can get your hands on to make getting along just a wee bit easier on yourself. I'm sure you are the first person she has made an enemy of, so don't give up, get that knowledge that is most certainly out there! The less they speak, from fear of secrets being revealed, the easier it is to have a great relationship.

Create a cache of weapons....errr back up tools. Say you are having coffee/tea together and this witch of a...this person starts giving you a hard time, bringing up painful memories you'd prefer to never relive again in your lifetime. Well all you have to do is slip her some rat poison...umm some herbs...yeah, herbs...special herbs. And the way to do it? Why a special "tea" blend you so generously offer to share with her, at her demand I am sure. Or a little switcheroo with the sugar cubes, your own "special" brand, you graciosuly cooked up at home. Or if you are really quick with the slight of hand, they sell those old poison rings everywhere, getting one is one click of a button away. Next day delivery? So worth the cost. Now isn't that a lovely day together? So soothing, a nice cup of tea together, what could be lovelier than that?

Say you are shopping together and as she is trying on shoes, she is putting you down, telling you that you can't pull off the latest fashions since everything about you is so plain, while her delicate glamorous looks need special pampering and privilege. And what do you do? Why, you be the bigger person and offer to hold onto her shoes and purse while she tries on shoes and clothes. You walk on over to the corner and with your back turned, swipe all the cash from her wallet and take
those nails and hammer out of your purse and nail those suckers in so they are unnoticeable...when her delicate tosies slip into those gems, her weakness from pain and bleeding will ensure a nicer day. As she is losing blood and feeling woozy, the last thing on her mind will be wondering if she had cash in her purse. She will be wonderful to shop with, draped over a chair in the next store as you shop to your heart, and her wallets, content.

How about a day where she is over at your home, making nasty comments about your taste, or lack thereof, on decorating? What is a girl to do? What I suggest is you engage in a rambuctious game of pillow fighting. It gives you a reason...uh get some of your frustatrated feelings out, while beating her silly with your fist....oh I meant pillow. Naturally. And if you accidentally fall on top of her and your pillow cuts off her air supply, while she flails like a fish, until her limp hands fall to the ground and her entire body grows cold? Why, you make her feel at home, you silly gooses. You plod down to the basement, grab a shovel, haul her carcass out to the backyard in the dead of night and dig a hole into the ground and make that wonderful lady feel like she is part of the yard....uhm family. Her love will act as fertilizer....errr uhhmmmm....her love will act as a reminder to be thankful for the ones you love everyday!

And if the unthinkable happens, and she raises from her grave as a zombie bent on revenge and making your life as miserable as when she was alive and breathing? Well you do what any good friend would do. You haul out the chainsaw, carve her into a million little pieces and bury her parts in 10 separate boxes that you ship to 10 separate locations all over the world. Thus ensuring your own peace and sanity as she will never be ressurrected again, thanks to you! You are such a good friend!!

6 meaningful meanderings:

ramsam said...

Yikes. Remind me to never get on your bad side!
Thgis post made me think you should write a script for a movie or something...with all your horror appreciation I bet you could really pull off something incredibly scary!

Kristina P. said...

I was going to say the same thing as Ramona! I never want to be your enemy!

Mary said...

You gave me some great ideas ;o)

Lee said...

The best way to get along with an enemy is to switch their birth control with sugar pills.
18 years of torture. muahahahahaha.

Wendyburd1 said...

Oooh Good one Lee!! What, you guys are scared now?! I thought I was funny, oh well.

Bridget said...

My side hurts from laughing so hard. So worth it though!

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