Friday, September 4, 2009

Talk and Tired

Hey guys. It was a slow day. We tried a new diner tonight and I loved it. I had grilled cheese and it was yummy, and they give you pickles which is a MUST for me, so I applaud them. Plus they had a chicken noodle soup that I liked. The broth was good, and that is a requirement for me to like the soup. The broth must be good. Plus I brought some cheesecake with strawberries home and it made my mouth happy. Very delicious.

I talked for awhile with my Mom and then my Dad joined us. I am just tired of that relative situation, so tired, but for me, it will never be over. I have to live with it for the rest of my life, because I want it to be okay for my family. If it weren't for the fact that their happiness in this certain matter, all stands on my shoulders, I'd be tempted to say "screw it" and just not be involved with these people, even those totally innocent in it. But my parents and sisters' happiness is too important to me, so I must carry this burden.

I am just finding it really difficult knowing this is a burden I will never be rid of, or at least not for many, many years. I am just so tired of it all. It isn't even (okay not SO much) what they demanded anymore, it is what they did to get their way. It is just still so insane to me, that people can be so cruel. And to relatives. I am just worried that this pressure is going to break me. That it will be the final straw on this camel's back, and then Wendy will disappear and be replaced by an empty shell. This just hurts my heart so much. And knowing that while other things I try and fight may go away, disappear over time, but this is something I can never shake off...it is just scary. Other things that bother you when you are depressed, you can try and do things about, but I can't change anything about this. We have no say, we have no control, so I am stuck in this limbo forever. And that pisses me off. Sorry, but it makes me mad. It is exhausting, and I don't need it on top of everything else I am facing.

So I just needed to talk with my parents and express my frustrations and heartache, and make sure they understood where my head and heart were at. And that NO, it was never a choice for me to do anything else. I love my parents and sisters and there was only one choice to make, the one where they didn't lose out. My parents told me it is because I am gracious and want to do the right thing for this, but I don't know about that. I just know I couldn't be the reason any of them were unhappy or screwed over. These 4 people (4.5 if you include Maxie...he is only 23 lbs, thus the .5) mean the world to me, I love them so much, and don't know what I'd do without them in my life. So I will do what I need to, to make sure things are right for them. It is just scary to know, you have to keep something on your shoulders for keeps. With no lightening of your load in sight.

I just needed to get these feelings out. And it is the strongest thing in my mind when I went to blog. This talk with my parents. I am just so tired of it all, I want to cry again. But it makes no difference and I need to do this for my family. It is just hard you know? Dealing with something that you would be better off walking away from, but knowing you can't. Is there anything suckier than that? And I will be seeing these people soon and I don't know how I will deal with it. How do YOU deal with people who have hurt you beyond repair? I won't be able to pretend we are fine, so does being stand-offish work? Will that send the message that I may be here for a visit, but I'd prefer you keep your distance? Any advice would be appreciated.

*I am including this video again, as it really expresses how I feel a lot lately and I just find it amazing. And since I think many of you didn't see it, I want to share it as much as possible!

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5 meaningful meanderings:

Sarah said...

Yes, they do offer government assistance for my sister and that is something she needs to start working on if she's going to have anything from the State by November :( And this adds another issue for me which is hard working tax payers (myself) paying for babies that could have been prevented so easily (abstinence or birth control...not abortion).
AS for your relatives (you know I always have an opinion on this)...I guess I don't get WHY you have to "deal with them" at all. I know that you have to respect their wishes but other than that...? Obviously this visit will include dealing with them but how do you deal with them on a daily or weekly basis? Do you have to talk to them alot? Are they harassing you with e-mail? I hope not. Being stressed every day about this WILL cause you harm eventually, whether it be a cold, headaches, insomnia...it wears on your body. Maybe the visit will be good? That may be far fetched but you never know.
I get along with every family member except my Aunt. I haven't seen her since December and I REFUSE to see her or answer her calls. She was VERY hurtful and I will probably never forgive her. So, you can't avoid them like I do...I guess just visit and stay pretty quiet, let them make the moves and just follow along and stay calm...be sure to lean on us when you need to!

Tori_z said...

*Hugs*

I'm sorry I can't really say anything helpful. I hope the visit goes well though.

mama-face said...

Although I don't know the specifics of your situation I sympathize with you. It's good that you can talk to someone in your family. Families should be supportive; but it's there we can have some of our worst and most difficult relationships. I'm not telling you anything you don't already know; just trying to say I understand to some extent. I have a family member that I just have to think of on a really shallow level or he will just bury me with his judgements. Which leads me to judge him-but he couldn't care less. blah blah

I'm thinking of you and wishing you strength to deal with this.

Is it tacky to ask you if you've seen 500 days of Summer? If it is, then completely ignore that question. :)

Lee said...

I really hope things start to get better for you. You're constantly stressed out, and that can't be healthy for you. I really just want you to feel better and get things worked out. *hugs*

LadyStyx said...

*HUGZ* Wish I had more to say that could help you out.

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