Dermatologist Appt.

So I went to the dermatologist, Sam came with me, and filled out all that bloody paperwork. It was funny because it was in Building C of this little office complex, and building B is where I went to my pediatrician until he died when I was about 12. Same doctor from when I was a baby, until he was no longer with us. I remember the awesome lollipops he gave out, he was such a sweet man. I tried 2 other doctors after he died, for awhile, but finally ended up going to my current doctor, who is also a member of my church. So that is cool. Anyway, it was just weird being back there, it made me remember the clown paintings he had up everywhere, and how I am now...terrified of clowns. Hmmm. LOL. It just seemed so familiar, but like it was a lifetime ago.

Anyway, I am not a big fan of this dermatologist. She is a flake. I told her up front, I wanted to talk about 3 concerns I had and she tried to leave each time we finished up with one! It was like WAIT!! It took me 3 months to see you in the first place, do NOT leave yet! Well, as for my moles, I thought I had 5. Apparently all my big freckles though are moles. And I am covered in freckles of all sizes, so apparently I have a lot of moles...okay. There is only one that she would like to freeze, cut off and

stitch, and it is mainly because Sandy was like, I don't remember her having that mole, and I'd remember one that looks like a rectangle. So I might get it cut off, she has low worries, but is leaving it up to me. I talked to her about my bug bite problem, and told her all about all the over the counte

r stuff I tried, but it was only when I mentioned that the ones on my legs scare me because I am Diabetic and I can't stop scratching, that she offered a cream with steroids in it. Only problem so far is, I don't feel like it works so great. Right now, Calamine lotion is working the best, almost like having a cold pak on them all the time. I have to reapply a LOT, but some relief is a HUGE relief. Like I want to cry in thankfulness relief.

Then I brought up the bumps on my face that were making me feel very self conscious. One in particular, even though I have 3 others. In every picture I take of me or am given of me, it is SO obvious, to me anyway. So I use the wonderful clone brush tool and make it disappear. According to her, without really even looking at it, she says they are skin colord moles. And if I want it removed it will leave a scar. And then she was gone. But...what kind of scar? If we are talking a small discoloration, THAT can be covered with make-up, while the bump cannot!! It drives me a little crazy. When I do Vlogs, because I can't do anything about it on video, all I can see is that bloody bump. I would rather have discoloration, especially if it is real small, than something that can't be hidden at all. It would just make me feel a bit better. So I did not like her at all. She was too flighty for my taste and I don't feel any confidence in the thought of her slicing off a mole and stitching it up.

So that is how the appointment went. We had dinner at the Polish place, it had been awhile. Stuff we addressed as a family ended up upsetting me. I don't do well with changes, and definitely not ones where I feel scared at the thought of the change. So I had a really bad night, I had panic attacks, worries galore, and couldn't calm down. Everything feels so out of control and I just felt like I had, had it. So my Mom was up with me really late, talking things out, while I cried a lot. I guess I have a lot of fears, not just about things like going back for a Medical Transcription degree so I can work from home, but I have fears about myself. I want to be a good person, and I just worry I'm not. One of my biggest fears would be if I was a bad person. I want to be a good person. I want to be the person my Dad told me I am, earlier that evening. He told me he and Katie had a conversation when he took her to lunch that very day, and they talked about which of my parents children gives the most love and has the most love to give, and they both picked me...but is that true? I want to believe they are right, but I...worry. I am a pro at it. I think people should PAY me, and I will worry FOR them. I do it all the time, every day, so give me yours too, and I will worry for you. 1-WOR-RYW-ENDY!!