Used to Be...

Create your own FACEinHOLE

*My future husband, he is SO leaving Daneel Harris for ME! LOL!

Songs can be so powerful. I know songs can mean a lot of different things to many people. They can mean the same thing to different people. Well a song that is really speaking to me in the last week or so, though I liked it 2 weeks ago, it is truly talking to me now. It just seems to sum up the way I am feeling. The song is Pink's "Funhouse". If you take it literally, you might be like...what are you taking Wendy? But let me explain.

The "funhouse" kind of represents my life right now, and the "evil clowns" are all my fears. Which is SO fitting. I have mentioned it once or twice, but for those of you who didn't read me back then, I am terrified of clowns. I didn't even realize this fear until a few years ago, when I suddenly discovered, holy crap I HATE clowns, they scare the crap out of me. I just never realized it until they started popping up again in movies I watched, etc. And I relaized, wow, they make me shake and my heart starts beating fast and their faces, even if they are supposed to look friendly, make me anxious. They are evil and are out to get me. That is all I think when I see them. Clowns scare me to death. So I avoid horror movies which feature clowns, I can't handle it. When they pop up in movies, like Zombieland, I almost screamed out loud, it was like my worst nightmare had come to life!! In Dead Silence, there was a ventriloquist doll...IN a clown costume!! I flipped out and was gripping my Mom's arm!! So yeah, it is fitting that the clowns in the song represent my fears.

When you put the things I hear into the actual lyrics, it just fits me to the T, right now.

"Oh, I'm crawling through the darkest home
My key don't fit my life no more"

Nope, my keys do not seem to fit my life at all anymore. I am struggling all the time, things feel like they are getting HARDER, never any easier, and so this is, indeed, a dark place to be.

"We'll try to exorcise this place"

It does indeed feel like my life is possessed. Taken over by something else, I am so not in control of my life right now. I feel like I am being punished by something I cannot see, that is inside of ME. My own personal demons have taken over and have no intention of letting go. I need the Ghostbusters people. Because Wendy is buried deep down in this body, and some alien ghost is walking around controlling me. But I still get to feel the pain and sorrow, that just feels unending right now.

This used to be my life.
But now it's full of all my fears.

Get it I hope? So yeah, this song whenever it comes on the radio, is just speaking directly to me, and my feelings of having no control. I'd like to take back control, but right now, it doesn't feel feasible. Attainable. My funhouse feels lost and these sucky evil clowns are hunting me down and terrorizing me.

I just thought since I am in such a dark place, feeling so utterly lost and that is all my mind is on this week, that I would try to show them, my feelings, through the song that is currently talking to me, like, Hey Wendy, listen to this, it is YOU right now. Embrace the song, THIS explains it when you cannot. And boy...do I WANT to burn it all down too!! Hand ME a match Pink!!

Do you ever get that feeling? Like it doesn't matter WHAT the artist intended this song to BE about, you have your own explanation of the song? What song currently fits you? Your mood, your feelings? I really want to know.

Here is the song if you haven't heard it, or just want to listen to it again to understand what I mean. I am sorry if this post seems...off, non-specific, or irrational. Or flighty and not understandable. When I am in my dark place, I can't always GET my feelings expressed correctly. I may feel I made sense but then learn, CRAP, I was an incoherent wreck. If that is so, and you got THIS far, I am so sorry!!

P.S. this song DOES include the "F" word once but I think someone edited it with sucker.