Mmmmm TV

Just a quick post as I still feel like I can't breathe and keep crying and so that kinda dampens my mood and feeling like blogging. So I decided to go somewhere nowhere near my emotional feelings.

Fall TV so far. Yup, one of my true loves. The returning shows so far? Gossip Girl is good, I think once they are back in NY, all of them, it will be better. Chuck and House I am waiting to watch with my Mom and sisters...yes it DOES kill me. And Castle I have to wait for Sandy to watch, agghh! Okay Glee was AWESOME!! The music was incredible and I actually ended up feeling for Beiste at the end even though she was so mean to Artie and Finn. I can't wait for next week's episode!! NCIS was really good, though Sean Murray (McGee) looks way TOO thin! I am worried about him now! One Tree Hill is GOOD, I was so relieved that someone finally found Clay and Quinn's bodies! And Life Unexpected is great too. Criminal Minds was good, but I am so upset JJ is leaving next week for ever. Survivor...interesting people, but it seems unfair to pit the young versus the old. Vampire Diaries is AWESOME!!!! I was in shock when Damon snapped Jeremy's neck, and was so relieved he had the ring on!! And I was so shocked Caroline was turned!! Totally not expecting that turn of events.

And what new shows have I given a chance?

Well first there was Hellcats, yes a cheerleading show and I like it! It is like Bring It On every week, and I love that! Nikitae is one is also a new fave. I was afraid it would feel JUST like the USA show which I had watched for a few seasons and in the first episode it changed my mind and showed me this is a reinvention of Nikita and it is a GOOD one, this show is hot!!

Hawaii Five-O was the most amazing show. I adored everything about it. Action, my gorgeous Alex, hilarious Scott Caan, and Chin and Kona rounding out the team perfectly. And we have a bigger mystery of what does that key open, something Steve's father had been trying to figure out, and apparently there are dirty cops in the HPD. This show was FUN, and the relationship between Steve and Danny is priceless!

I also enjoyed The Event. You know it is funny. I told my Mom, I think Lost prepared me for this show. With all of Lost's flashback's into different times in their pasts, the flash forwards and the sideways world, I was able to keep up with the here is one character and 23 minutes ago, then 8 days ago, then this character and 1 year ago, etc. I think Lost made it possible for me to keep it all straight in my head.

But the other show on Monday that I really liked, as much as Hawaii Five-O, was Chase. It is a kick butt show and it is led by a woman. It seems she is the center of the team, so it is kind of a female empowered show. They are all US Marshalls chasing bad guys, man seriously chasing, and it just clicked with me, I like it and hope it stays! Definitely better than Jay Leno Show re-runs.

I still have to give Undercovers a shot. And a couple more shows not yet premiered. Plus The Mentalist starts up again tomorrow, AND Bones and Fringe. And Smallville, Medium and Supernatural on Friday. And then Desperate Housewives and Brothers & Sisters on Sunday. I LOVE TV Premiere time, it is so exciting to finally have those cliffhangers resolved!

It wasn't Safe to Come Out of the Water

First, I want to respond to those who suggested why not just go private? Well there are two reasons. One, I'd be giving more control to those I foolishly invited to read this blog long ago, I want to be able to be found by new readers and meet great new people like I have met some of you. And two, this was discussed with my family later Wednesday night as we ate cookies and milk. And from what I have seen and sadly learned, I believe these people would be so angry and petty they did not have access to what I was saying or could be saying about them, that they would break any deal made, until my page was made public again or until thy were invited to read it. Because when I talked about not getting new readers my Dad was like, have your page now be a synopsis of what you are about and invite people who are interested to email you and you can email them an invite to a private blog page or something like that. But when I presented my theory that these people would demand access, most agreed with me. Maybe I didn't include it but they don't want to be mentioned by US anywhere on the entire internet, not even "alluded" to, which is ridiculous I KNOW. So no giving them fake names to talk about them because so far, they can't agree to stop reading my blog.

Even on PRIVATE sites AND blogs, they never want to be mentioned by name, relationship or alluded to. So this is a whole other side to paranoia. Sandy asked these people what if I accidentally mention you in the next 5 years and they actually think no slip up should be made for at least 10 years. I don't know what perfect world they think they are living in, but they need to get their heads out of the...clouds. Of course I was going to say clouds.

Anyways, I cried a lot last night. Couldn't get the whole incident out of my brain. Did not help me at all, that is for sure. So Thursday was supposed to be a calm down day. I knew it was going to be difficult for however long it takes to reach a decision and I know for ME, it was going to take time, for this to not bother me SO much. To get over seeing in person the lack of faith in me, to have someone question my trust so unjustly, to try and calm the anger that IS justified at people, and I held so much back. I hurt last night.

So today it was nice to go out to dinner with my parents and sisters at a diner. We got home and us girls were watching a Chuck. And that is when the girls started getting texts from the people we hadn't expected to hear from again, wanting to come over again. I had to work so hard to keep calm, not cry or get angry or weepy. I kept expecting the deal to be brought up, to hear what wasn't working for them or if they wanted to agree or whatever, I was on EDGE. Nothing, just reminiscing. Such a let down. I wanted it to be just over.

So no I wasn't allowed, nor was the family allowed to have a drama free day. I think even those excited about the visits, also felt the stress, as it was just there. I just...it was more than I was prepared for. I am worried I am headed for a big anxiety attack. BIG.

Some Days Just Stay In Bed

It wasn't the day I had imagined the night before. I thought Wednesday was going to be a sleepy slow day. I thought I might make meatballs with my Mom so we could had subs on Friday. I thought we might watch a few episodes of Chuck on TV later that night. But it wasn't to be.

Instead I was woken by Sandy and told I needed to be dressed in 15 minutes. Something major familial wise was going on and I knew it wasn't going to be easy or pleasant. And I knew I wasn't prepared for it. I hadn't had time to get used to the idea, and I knew I wasn't ready for it mentally. I know I am doing badly. I don't need someone else to tell me that. I was THE one who told my doctor how bad I was doing which is why I am trying another new med. So this isn't a shocker, I was not strong enough to handle something like this. Not today, not this week, not this month. Right now I can admit I am the weak link. I am struggling just to live through each day.

I AM sorry I cannot say what familial crisis I am talking about, I am not allowed to. In the beginning of my blogging it was up to me, now I don't have control over everything, which is ironic. This blog is for me, to get MY thoughts and feelings out, to be therapeutic for ME, but because I foolishly invited some to read it, I now have to monitor myself. That gives them control over me, which is not cool. Someone with my mental disabilities struggles to fight for the control back, and people who were meant to care are also taking some control away from me. Strange. Everything, everyone has control of me, but ME.

So the family meeting...it was a killer. I know, I personally felt battered, bruised and hurt. I am not used to having my trust come into question withing any part of the family. When I give my word on something, that is it. Because I don't give it lightly, not for years. It isn't as easy to get me to promise something as it used to be, I have to truly believe I can do it. And I don't lie either. Sandy says I can't lie. According to her even what I consider my straight face when I try, looks like I am going to laugh. And then I can only hold it like 15 seconds before I am laughing for real. I no longer am comfortable lying, unless I am trying to joke. So to have my word doubted when there is no basis for it to be questioned not only hurt like I was stabbed, it felt uncalled for.

I had kept all my promises, I had kept all my deals, even though other people had NOT kept theirs which at times made me ponder going back on MY promises. But I couldn't do it, that is not who I am. There is someone in particular I do not want to see hurt and I made promises directly to that person, so I tried to keep that in mind when the anger got really bad. And the anger was deserved. Especially tonight, when certain things were revealed. Like the fact that people who swore they would not read this anymore, never stopped. So they know things I never wanted them to know. Like me being Bi Polar and being on Lithium, etc. I feel like they deliberately invaded my privacy and that makes me feel really vulnerable and like they don't respect me.

Nothing has been decided after all this struggle and pain. Talking must go on and final thoughts must be given before a final decision on the subject is reached. Basically I just really want my parents to be happy. I would like some privacy back, Sandy reads my blog that was the whole point, her reading it to reassure him, trust me it isn't YAY on my part all the time, when I am pissed at her she reads it HELLO! So that should be enough, she has done a good job. I want my parents to smile more and be happy and laugh. I want them to look forward to emails and packages in the mail and stuff like that.

Me? I am pretty used to not being okay. If I could ensure my parents happiness and get my sisters squared away with jobs in their chosen careers, they could really just take me now. There's really not anything left for me and I am so tired. So Tired all the time. No I am not morbid, just realistic. I really have nothing left in me. Not even fight.

Am I the Only One With Their Arm Raised??!

Or is there someone else who bought Season One of Glee and Fringe Season 2, and Prince of Persia and Letters to Juliet today? *pants* Raise your hand if you lost that huge of a chunk of change like me? C'mon my arm is getting tired!!!

Well if you didn't you miss things like this, that's right you can hear it but you can't SEE it:

Trying To Drive me WONKY!!

I swear to you it is TRUE!! The grocery store is trying to drive me completely insane!! Each Monday I have gone for the last month, something else has changed or moved or is different, it is confusing as all get out!

And they are making the aisles SMALLER too, my Dad noticed that one, it is like being in Walmart now. To get past another cart you have to really maneuver carts or scrape handles, and you never had to do that at Stop and Shop before!! This might have something to do with the competition we are "getting", a Shop Rite and a BJ's, but I think that makes no sense. We got a Price Chopper and S&S did nothing and Price Chopper is closer than either of these other 2 stores marked destinations.

But they started changing the store weeks ago nonetheless. And some of the pairings are REALLY weird combinations. Why would soda go with bread? Why put soups and mac and cheese on the other side of the juice aisle?! Why is the magazine aisle now sharing an aisle with the rice and canned veggies?!!! It makes no sense at ALL!! I have no sense of where anything is ANYMORE!

They have changed some aisles over the course of the last like 15 years, but one aisle has never changed. Aisle 2 has always been cookies, crackers and coffee and teas. GONE!!! They had some weird combo that horrified me. It is all the way down in aisle 8 now! Horrifying! And the bargain aisle, things on sale that week? GONE. What the flip?!! I have to LOOK myself! What kind of a shopper do you take me for?!

And then there aisles with food only on one side, the other side empty and covered in clear plastic. There are several of these. If there isn't enough food, WHY can't we have our bigger aisles back? They are even messing with the freezer section, they added another side and put the food usually on the right, onto the left....now the left is empty....say what?! And the bakery used to have a big case for their rolls and bagels, now it's gone and there is a baby size one for rolls in its' place. Bagels...I have no idea if they are gonna make bagels, who knows!

They already took away the baby Dunkin Donuts a few months ago and now all this! It took us almost 2 hours to grocery shop Monday because it was like shopping on vacation. You have no clue where anything is! I felt like I was going nuts, this is MY grocery store, so why did it feel like foreign soil?!!

NEW Pillsbury's Sweet Moments Winner!!!

Well I hate to practice tough love but it is NOT my job to email winners of my giveaways, I have done it before when I have the time, but sometimes I have no time. Hey I have stuff going on too. So sadly for one person, the 48 hours is UP.

HAPPILY for another, is we have a NEW winner.........Rich and Mallory!!!! Congrats!!

Please email me with your info within 48 hours or a new winner will be picked.

Fragmented Thoughts

*My thoughts truly are quite fragmented lately, going from subject to subject. Part of me feels like I really have nothing new to say, part feels like I have plenty to say. It makes me want to hit myself in the gut!

*Max, as I wrote on Facebook re-hurt his bad paw. This paw that had a nail that kept cracking on him. It was so bad, hurt wise, he was on antibiotics to heal the skin around it. Then my Dad left with him on his daily breakfast jaunt, and was almost immediately back inside cradling him. His entire paw was covered in blood and it was bad. Luckily my Mom was just getting up for work so she cleaned it as I held him. He was looking away the whole time, his lower legs shaking! My Mom got most of the blood away from the areas not bleeding but that nail area, the skin bed and nail, if you touched it at all, blood would gush all over again. It was so hard to see, I was shaking too, I couldn't stand seeing Maxie bleed like that. Dad made an appointment for 11:45 the earliest he could get one. Mom bandaged Max up and he let me hold him for another 20 minutes. He wouldn't take any food!! Max loves food, especially meat!! He got down and when he is bandaged he acts like we chopped off a whole appendage, it was like that foot was no longer there so it was truly pathetic and sad. The doctor ended up agreeing THIS time that the nail was hurting Max, he in a way soldered it off really far, barely anything is left. Max left that bandage alone and is still limping a few days later. I think it hurts and it breaks your heart to see him struggle to jump onto the couch, etc. I keep helping him. He's my baby.

*I finally had my appointment with my psychiatrist this week. I don't do well at these appointments. He doesn't speak much, and I don't speak much, so my Mom says it is an interesting sight to behold. He is ancient too, so I don't feel like I have a thing in common with him. He is so old, he looks like he has been hanging out with the crypt keeper...what? It's true. I swear if he ever gets quiet AND still, I am going to think he died. Oy. I know I have veered off again. We talked about the Lithium making me SO thirsty and how I pee like every 25 minutes almost. He wasn't really interested in how I felt I was doing on the Lithium, and I had opinions from both my parents and both my sisters. I did manage to get in the big thing though. That I am really depressed. He only asked how it manifested, which frankly confused me. I was thinking what the crap is he talking about?!! I looked to my Mom while he wasn't looking with panic and she made a sign of tears, and it clicked in my brain and I was able to answer that I was crying ALL the time, which IS what I am doing ALL the time. The smallest thing, thinking I could lose Max for some reason and I am bawling and it hurts so badly. So his suggestion was to add Wellbutrin on top of my other anti-depressant. So once I start this new medication, besides Ambien so I can sleep, I will be on 5 medications. Seems so scary.

*People caused some trouble again. Said I had a photo bucket page with photos of certain people and full names and birthdates, etc. I have never even used photobucket!! I did a search after and so did Sandy and neither of us could find these supposed pictures. Today Sandy talked to those people and they provided a direct link and it was under my username. It was over a year old and contained a stencil I had used with those photos on a scrapbook program online. I had created a collage and sent it out in email form, the only way I am "allowed" to send photos. Apparently the program signed me up automatically for photobucket without my permission and saved those pics on there. So they have been there for over a year. And "people" decided to start doing searches using my email address, which makes me feel really creeped out and like my privacy is being invaded. No, I had NO idea these THREE pics from a year ago were online, but Sandy knows all my passwords so she deleted the whole account. Do I care that she did? No, only if she thinks I made that account and she says she believes programs can sign you up for others when you think you are signing up for one. So she says she knows I didn't do it. I just want my family, and that would be the people here, to know I didn't create any account. Yeah they can hurt me, I am just that sensitive, but I feel nothing for them now. I don't think there is even an ounce of love left there. They killed it. I don't think it makes me cold, I just think it makes me a person who has learned not to touch the scalding pot anymore. I finally know what to do, to not get burned. Some people are just not good for you.

*Did you know that "Kick-Ass" really did? I so think I might want to be Hit-Girl for Halloween. She was my FAVE character in that whole very loud movie!

*"Killers" with Ashton Kutcher and Katheryn Heigl was actually REALLY good! My Dad liked it even and he is SO picky! All us girls loved it, it was just a good time!

*Vampire Diaries returned last night, and it was so good!! I was so sad to see the hour end and I am already on pins and needles until next week. Katherine IS a B&^*(!! And I am liking this remake of Nikita. So far. If it ends up turning into what USA already told, I will turn it off forever, but if it stays original, I am in! I also loved Hellcats, Aly and Ashley have good chemistry and there are definite cuties on the show!

*I bought 3 series on dvd this week alone. Criminal Minds, Chuck and Supernatural. I was so not happy with how buying Supernatural went. I drove down to Target. Sold OUT!! I asked if they could check in back and they said they had sold those out too. Did they offer me any knowledge of when they would have more? NO. So I am pissed. This was THE one I was looking forward to the most! It was MY JENSEN!! So I drove all the way to Meriden's Target. I go in and look for the DVD section and find the regular Supernatural section...empty. So I go and find the lady and she follows me back so she can scan the spot and tell me if there is more in back. NO. Offer of any knowledge of when they will have more? NO. So I head out very pissed. I have one option left as with Gabby our direction thing, I have no clue how to get to any other Target's. I am across from the Mall and the Best Buy attached to it. IF they even have it, I will but it only as lone as it is no more than $40. Because Target was supposed to have it for $37.99. So I drive over and walk in worried it would be not there and worried about what its price would be. And then I see it, and it says $37.99!!! The only thing I am bitter about is that all the copies that had a keychain of the Impala were gone!! *sob*

*Anyway we started Chuck tonight, Season 3. So that Sam and Mom will be caught up when Season 4 starts. I am so good at getting people to fall for my shows, mwahaha! The Mentalist, now Chuck and Warehouse 13. Ahhhhh.

Pillsbury's Sweet Moments Winner!!!

The Pillsbury Sweet Moments Winner IS...........................

Janet Faye!!!

Please send me your info within 48 hours or the next person in line will get picked!

Hodge Podge of Information

New month...oh happy joy joy. That's from some random movie, can't recall which. No I can't say I am doing any better. Sorry if that makes me a downer but I strive for honesty on my blog. I am still having daily panic attacks and crying a lot. It's not even over the same thing it was at first. That tragic event that happened to a loved one is still as tragic, and I fear the next time I see anyone as I don't know how that will set me back. Right now I am just filled with insecurity and feelings of worthlessness. They can be overwhelming and so very scary.

Even the good things happening to my sisters. Katie passed her COTA exams and has been offered a job at basically every place she has interviewed at. She has her choice of kids or geriatric patients or Traumatic Brain Injury wards, etc. Sandy went back for a second interview for that phlebotomy position and is waiting to hear. So both my baby sisters might soon have jobs in their chosen careers. And that makes me happy for them...but it also makes me feel like the failure in the family as well. I can't even quiet my brain long enough to DO anything meaningful.

Anyway, TV shows started being released onto dvd. So far I have bought Gossip Girl, Heroes, House, One Tree Hill, Lost, Brothers & Sisters and The Vampire Diaries. Oh yes, in case SHE is still reading, I paid with my check book, all are completely paid for by ME. AND I plan on buying 11 more before I am done. I love my TV on DVD. What do you think we have been watching ALL summer? That's right. My Mom just learned to love and lost Wonderfalls. May it Rest In Peace. I also turned her into a Warehouse 13 addict, a Chuck addict, and she is also very angry that Haunted was cancelled (long ago) and Threshold. Amazing shows, especially Threshold, just getting really good too! We just started the first episode of Tru Calling tonight, I think she likes it and will be pissed at how it cuts off abruptly just as it is getting real good too.

I am having a weird reaction to the Lithium. I am craving some things I was not craving before. Protein, especially in the form of Milk is the number one. My Mom did some research and while it isn't listed as a side effect, many patients mention it on websites. I drink Milk period. But now I crave glass after glass. I need it. And I want chicken all the time, I am constantly eating a sandwich. Plus I have a thing for grape juice lately and I thought I loathed grape juice. Mom thinks maybe it's the iron or something. Plus there is the water cravings. I seriously do not like plain water, but I drank 4 bottles in a row the other night, I couldn't get enough. And of course, I pee like every 20 minutes. We don't see the endocronologist and get to know the results of my blood work for like 2 more weeks, it is so aggravating. I want it to be something, I can deal with a real ailment that has options. A clean slate gives no hope and I have enough no hope for a continent!!

I decided a week ago that I wanted to try The Secret Life of The American Teenager and I just finished 2 and 1/2 season online. Whoo. Tiny screens and difficult websites. Some of the content made me uncomfortable and surprised me as it is on ABC Family and is heralded by young viewers and parents alike, but for the most part it is a really good show and I am now deeply invested in the lives of Amy, Ricky, Ben, Adrienne, Grace, Ashley, etc.

I am about to go watch Why Did I Get Married Too? I saw most of the first one on TV one night, though I missed the first 45 minutes at least (sad), and it was powerful. I can't wait to see what happens to these people this time!