Mmmmm TV

Just a quick post as I still feel like I can't breathe and keep crying and so that kinda dampens my mood and feeling like blogging. So I decided to go somewhere nowhere near my emotional feelings.

Fall TV so far. Yup, one of my true loves. The returning shows so far? Gossip Girl is good, I think once they are back in NY, all of them, it will be better. Chuck and House I am waiting to watch with my Mom and sisters...yes it DOES kill me. And Castle I have to wait for Sandy to watch, agghh! Okay Glee was AWESOME!! The music was incredible and I actually ended up feeling for Beiste at the end even though she was so mean to Artie and Finn. I can't wait for next week's episode!! NCIS was really good, though Sean Murray (McGee) looks way TOO thin! I am worried about him now! One Tree Hill is GOOD, I was so relieved that someone finally found Clay and Quinn's bodies! And Life Unexpected is great too. Criminal Minds was good, but I am so upset JJ is leaving next week for ever. Survivor...interesting people, but it seems unfair to pit the young versus the old. Vampire Diaries is AWESOME!!!! I was in shock when Damon snapped Jeremy's neck, and was so relieved he had the ring on!! And I was so shocked Caroline was turned!! Totally not expecting that turn of events.

And what new shows have I given a chance?

Well first there was Hellcats, yes a cheerleading show and I like it! It is like Bring It On every week, and I love that! Nikitae is one is also a new fave. I was afraid it would feel JUST like the USA show which I had watched for a few seasons and in the first episode it changed my mind and showed me this is a reinvention of Nikita and it is a GOOD one, this show is hot!!

Hawaii Five-O was the most amazing show. I adored everything about it. Action, my gorgeous Alex, hilarious Scott Caan, and Chin and Kona rounding out the team perfectly. And we have a bigger mystery of what does that key open, something Steve's father had been trying to figure out, and apparently there are dirty cops in the HPD. This show was FUN, and the relationship between Steve and Danny is priceless!

I also enjoyed The Event. You know it is funny. I told my Mom, I think Lost prepared me for this show. With all of Lost's flashback's into different times in their pasts, the flash forwards and the sideways world, I was able to keep up with the here is one character and 23 minutes ago, then 8 days ago, then this character and 1 year ago, etc. I think Lost made it possible for me to keep it all straight in my head.

But the other show on Monday that I really liked, as much as Hawaii Five-O, was Chase. It is a kick butt show and it is led by a woman. It seems she is the center of the team, so it is kind of a female empowered show. They are all US Marshalls chasing bad guys, man seriously chasing, and it just clicked with me, I like it and hope it stays! Definitely better than Jay Leno Show re-runs.

I still have to give Undercovers a shot. And a couple more shows not yet premiered. Plus The Mentalist starts up again tomorrow, AND Bones and Fringe. And Smallville, Medium and Supernatural on Friday. And then Desperate Housewives and Brothers & Sisters on Sunday. I LOVE TV Premiere time, it is so exciting to finally have those cliffhangers resolved!

It wasn't Safe to Come Out of the Water

First, I want to respond to those who suggested why not just go private? Well there are two reasons. One, I'd be giving more control to those I foolishly invited to read this blog long ago, I want to be able to be found by new readers and meet great new people like I have met some of you. And two, this was discussed with my family later Wednesday night as we ate cookies and milk. And from what I have seen and sadly learned, I believe these people would be so angry and petty they did not have access to what I was saying or could be saying about them, that they would break any deal made, until my page was made public again or until thy were invited to read it. Because when I talked about not getting new readers my Dad was like, have your page now be a synopsis of what you are about and invite people who are interested to email you and you can email them an invite to a private blog page or something like that. But when I presented my theory that these people would demand access, most agreed with me. Maybe I didn't include it but they don't want to be mentioned by US anywhere on the entire internet, not even "alluded" to, which is ridiculous I KNOW. So no giving them fake names to talk about them because so far, they can't agree to stop reading my blog.

Even on PRIVATE sites AND blogs, they never want to be mentioned by name, relationship or alluded to. So this is a whole other side to paranoia. Sandy asked these people what if I accidentally mention you in the next 5 years and they actually think no slip up should be made for at least 10 years. I don't know what perfect world they think they are living in, but they need to get their heads out of the...clouds. Of course I was going to say clouds.

Anyways, I cried a lot last night. Couldn't get the whole incident out of my brain. Did not help me at all, that is for sure. So Thursday was supposed to be a calm down day. I knew it was going to be difficult for however long it takes to reach a decision and I know for ME, it was going to take time, for this to not bother me SO much. To get over seeing in person the lack of faith in me, to have someone question my trust so unjustly, to try and calm the anger that IS justified at people, and I held so much back. I hurt last night.

So today it was nice to go out to dinner with my parents and sisters at a diner. We got home and us girls were watching a Chuck. And that is when the girls started getting texts from the people we hadn't expected to hear from again, wanting to come over again. I had to work so hard to keep calm, not cry or get angry or weepy. I kept expecting the deal to be brought up, to hear what wasn't working for them or if they wanted to agree or whatever, I was on EDGE. Nothing, just reminiscing. Such a let down. I wanted it to be just over.

So no I wasn't allowed, nor was the family allowed to have a drama free day. I think even those excited about the visits, also felt the stress, as it was just there. I just...it was more than I was prepared for. I am worried I am headed for a big anxiety attack. BIG.

Some Days Just Stay In Bed

It wasn't the day I had imagined the night before. I thought Wednesday was going to be a sleepy slow day. I thought I might make meatballs with my Mom so we could had subs on Friday. I thought we might watch a few episodes of Chuck on TV later that night. But it wasn't to be.

Instead I was woken by Sandy and told I needed to be dressed in 15 minutes. Something major familial wise was going on and I knew it wasn't going to be easy or pleasant. And I knew I wasn't prepared for it. I hadn't had time to get used to the idea, and I knew I wasn't ready for it mentally. I know I am doing badly. I don't need someone else to tell me that. I was THE one who told my doctor how bad I was doing which is why I am trying another new med. So this isn't a shocker, I was not strong enough to handle something like this. Not today, not this week, not this month. Right now I can admit I am the weak link. I am struggling just to live through each day.

I AM sorry I cannot say what familial crisis I am talking about, I am not allowed to. In the beginning of my blogging it was up to me, now I don't have control over everything, which is ironic. This blog is for me, to get MY thoughts and feelings out, to be therapeutic for ME, but because I foolishly invited some to read it, I now have to monitor myself. That gives them control over me, which is not cool. Someone with my mental disabilities struggles to fight for the control back, and people who were meant to care are also taking some control away from me. Strange. Everything, everyone has control of me, but ME.

So the family meeting...it was a killer. I know, I personally felt battered, bruised and hurt. I am not used to having my trust come into question withing any part of the family. When I give my word on something, that is it. Because I don't give it lightly, not for years. It isn't as easy to get me to promise something as it used to be, I have to truly believe I can do it. And I don't lie either. Sandy says I can't lie. According to her even what I consider my straight face when I try, looks like I am going to laugh. And then I can only hold it like 15 seconds before I am laughing for real. I no longer am comfortable lying, unless I am trying to joke. So to have my word doubted when there is no basis for it to be questioned not only hurt like I was stabbed, it felt uncalled for.

I had kept all my promises, I had kept all my deals, even though other people had NOT kept theirs which at times made me ponder going back on MY promises. But I couldn't do it, that is not who I am. There is someone in particular I do not want to see hurt and I made promises directly to that person, so I tried to keep that in mind when the anger got really bad. And the anger was deserved. Especially tonight, when certain things were revealed. Like the fact that people who swore they would not read this anymore, never stopped. So they know things I never wanted them to know. Like me being Bi Polar and being on Lithium, etc. I feel like they deliberately invaded my privacy and that makes me feel really vulnerable and like they don't respect me.

Nothing has been decided after all this struggle and pain. Talking must go on and final thoughts must be given before a final decision on the subject is reached. Basically I just really want my parents to be happy. I would like some privacy back, Sandy reads my blog that was the whole point, her reading it to reassure him, trust me it isn't YAY on my part all the time, when I am pissed at her she reads it HELLO! So that should be enough, she has done a good job. I want my parents to smile more and be happy and laugh. I want them to look forward to emails and packages in the mail and stuff like that.

Me? I am pretty used to not being okay. If I could ensure my parents happiness and get my sisters squared away with jobs in their chosen careers, they could really just take me now. There's really not anything left for me and I am so tired. So Tired all the time. No I am not morbid, just realistic. I really have nothing left in me. Not even fight.

Am I the Only One With Their Arm Raised??!

Or is there someone else who bought Season One of Glee and Fringe Season 2, and Prince of Persia and Letters to Juliet today? *pants* Raise your hand if you lost that huge of a chunk of change like me? C'mon my arm is getting tired!!!

Well if you didn't you miss things like this, that's right you can hear it but you can't SEE it: