Tuesdays Scares

You all know how much I adore snow. Everything about it. When it started snowing early Tuesday, I was ecstatic! Around sunrise I opened the sliding door and just breathed in the scent and the chill curled around me, giving me goosebumps. I tried to catch a snowflake or two by leaning out the door, but I only had socks on so I could only lean so far. I even took some pictures of it snowing...I have no laptop myself still (The HARD drive is NOT HERE YET!!) so I can't upload them. I fell asleep on the couch and when I woke, it was still snowing and hard, I was smiling as I headed to my room.

When I awoke later it was STILL snowing. This was a shocker. During our "huge" storm we only got 5 inches maybe. Out of the supposed 12 to 16!! This was to be 1 to 3 inches and it was at least 5 inches already. I have however found the one thing I can put on the negative side of snow. Driving in the snow. We were going as a family to see Percy Jackson at 7:10 and I was worried. I also had planned on going to Blockbuster before we left to rent movies. Boring TV and all. So I called my Dad and he said we would still go see the movie. He said if I went out, as he was on the highway for over an hour now due to traffic and did not know how the side roads were, he would rather I take one of the Corolla's as they were best in the snow. And that is my Mom got home with one first, ask her how the roads were. So she got home shortly after, and said they roads were 'not too bad". So I was stoked, my OCD liked that things could go according to plan.

It wasn't even that cold out even though it was snowing, a sweater and my Tink jacket with a hat and scarf were perfect. So I set out to Blockbuster, which is normally 5 minutes away. As soon as I backed out of the driveway I could tell our neighborhood's roads were bad. I was sliding a little everywhere, but I figured West Street and those roads would be well plowed and salted, etc. I even got don the hill to West Street fine. The street wasn't so good though so I began to feel nervous and slowed down even more. I made sure to give even more extra space between cars and stop WAY before red lights. It was nerve-racking but I was like, get the movies, go home and Dad drives us to see the movie.

As I turned onto West Main Street, that was when I knew I was in trouble. I took my normal way I go to Blovkbuster, not bothering to THINK that it is a hill. So as I try and go up the small incline I am weaving to make it up, and the incline is very small here. It is the going down part that is the real HILL. At the top I suddenly lost control, and the car slid sideways, I was braking and hit a snow bank and was praying the car would stop as I got closer to a big oak tree. I was terrified of another head on collision. The snow stopped me and I could tell I didn't do any damage so I was scared, a LOT, but I kept going. I slowed even more so, worried the cars behind me, a truck, were pissed. But I was scared. I was almost down the hill, going maybe 10 mph, when the car slid sideways again toward a curb and cement bridge. I slid into it. I didn't move. The truck behind me went around me, didn't even stop. I was so shook up, the fear from the accident was like BACK full force. I pulled away, and heard some crunching but I was so close to Blockbuster, I needed to get there and out of this car. So I finally made it, feeling like I was going to throw up. I was shaking as I checked the car out, which seemed fine, so the crunching must have been snow and ice. I went inside to get the videos I went out in the snow for, I was so regretting having gone out. I could have waited, the snow was so hard still, it was over 7 inches by this point.

I went in and knew what I was going to do. I was like, I am going to be as slow as possible because I am terrified to drive home. No, it felt like it would be unfair to ask someone, who was at home snowblowing or shoveling, to come and GET me. So I took about an hour in the store, but still felt terrified. And then it was like 20 minutes until the movie so I called home. I got my Mom and told her they should go without me because I would not make it even to meet them and then I told her why I was taking so long. She told me Dad had already vetoes trying to go across town to see the movie and that I should have called if I was scared. She said to get in the checkout line and she'd call me back when someone was ready to get me. Katie called 3 minutes later and asked where I was and said she'd see me soon. I went out to the car and sat. I knew, if they were being safe, it would take awhile, but I was getting more and more anxious as time went by. My heart was bothering me BIG time, I just felt ill. The snow kept falling heavy. The other corolla finally got there and it was Katie and Mom and Dad. My Dad got in with me and drove with me to Bertucci's, so we could all (Sam stayed home) have dinner. The 4 of us had all had bad days, my Dad said, so we needed some good food, and Bertucci's is on one of the way home. So we sat and ate. I cried a little on my Mom's shoulder. Dad reminded me of his snow rules and added the one I wish I had thought of, when it snows take the wussiest way to get where you are going.

So I am still shook up and determined NOT to drive in the snow again! It was really difficult to realize I had a Sear's Optical appt. the next day, I was going to cancel it if my Dad said the driving was iffy. Luckily the roads were beautiful today for the most part or I would have gone hermit and stayed in. I am still so afraid to drive and Tuesday just reinforced those scared feelings. Yuck.

The Accident

So, I got enough energy after a 3 hour nap and a percocet, to write something for my blog. Yay. Hope it lasts long enough to finish the whole post. Puh-lease!

So, it was November 18th. I was really excited. It was my 4 year anniversary since the day I had my weight loss surgery. So we were going to eat at The Cheesecake Factory for dinner. Plus the next day, I had the New Moon party at my friend Hannah's house, which I was excited/scared about. (we talk a lot through emails but the getting together thing was like, brand new for us). So I was getting pysched about everything. Only my Mom and Dad went with me to dinner. Katie was teaching and Sandy just didn't want to go out. So my parents and I drove to West Hartford where we actually have a CF.

So we went and Mom and I shared the Chicken Costelletta. I wish there was one closer because the I would TRY other chicken dishes which all sound yummy, but I KNOW I like this one dish so I always get it, all 3 times I have been there, lol. My Dad had their pot roast and we all got so full. So we ordered 3 pieces of the Fresh Strawberry cheesecake to go. As we left the restaurant, I took a picture of my parents and a pic of myself, because I was going to post a celebratory post on it. So this was us about 5 minutes before things went to Hades.What a difference 5 minutes can make...

We walked over to Whole Foods where we had parked, talking about how we were going to go home and eat cheesecake, and my Mom gave me a present, well a pick out a dvd series you want present, which made me smile.

We were headed home, Gabby our GPS was giving us directions. Mom let me sit in the fromt passenger as it was MY special day. We had a green light and so we were driving straight. We saw a really large black pick-up all of a sudden. It was turning left straight into our lane. I remember seeing the lights get closer and closer, unbelievably closer. The lights didn't slow down, and they didn't try to swerve. I remember screaming. According to my parents, I screamed "Oh NO!", all I remember is, I screamed. Then the next thing I remember is pain. I don't remember seeing the crash happen. All of a sudden I was in pain and looking at an airbag. The light inside the car was so strange, (Mom later said it was the trucks lights shining directly into our car, because it was that big of a truck) and it was smokey. I started to panic, I thought the car was on fire and that it could explode. I remember hearing my Dad yell, "Oh my God. Are you both okay?", but I don't remember answering. I remember hearing him scream out to the other car "What did you DO?!!". My mouth felt huge and hurt really bad and I was starting to freak out. Mom said to get out of the car and I felt confused, but I did it, and then I didn't see her, so I panicked. I helped her out of the car and that was when I lost it.

I started crying and hyperventilating. People were asking if I was okay, but my Mom had to speak for me, saying I was really shook up. I told her my mouth hurt but I couldn't tell if I was okay or not. We went to a corner to get out of the way, my head still buried in my mother's neck, crying. I am sorry if I seem like a baby. I have never been in a head on collision. I ws in accidents as a kid, my Dad was always being side-seiped, but I don't remember those accidents. And this was different. I SAW it happening, I knew it was not going to be okay. Anyway, I couldn't breathe it felt like, and things seemed so wrong somehow, and my mouth was burning and throbbing. Firemen were all of a sudden there asking questions and I had to answer this time. I told them what hurt but that I wasn't sure if that was it. I just couldn't tell, I was so scared. My Dad was calling the girls because his wallet must have fallen out when he got out of HIS car and went into the one, our new Honda Accord, we drove to CF in. I never even saw what the accident looked like. The fireman was asking me questions, birthdates and numbers and medical conditions. My Mom said yes, she wanted me to go in an ambulance. My mom seemed fine and my dad said he hot his head, but they were saying they were fine, but I wasn't sure. My body felt like it was at a distance from me.

So ambulance people were all of a sudden there, wrapping my neck in a brace. Then they were there with a backboard and made me lean back until they were carrying me, which was so scary. I couldn't see my parents anymore, so that was really scary. They asked me all these questions as they were strapping me down with endless straps. I tried to answer, but I was so scared and so cold and confused. They placed me on a gurney and strapped even more things over me. They all left me for a few minutes, and I was strapped down, cold and in pain, wondering where my Mom was. If the girls were there yet. They asked where they were supposed to be taking me and they said my parents had picked Hartford Hospital. We weren't in an area where we knew any of the hospitals, so they picked the closest one. Joe was my ambulance guy. He was in the back with me. By then more things were hurting that I could feel, so when Joe asked me to tell him everything that hurt, I was able to say: my chest, and it hurts to breathe. My knees. My mouth and nose. He looked at my knees and said he didn't see anything. He felt along my chest which made me really burst into ow's. I couldn't stop crying. I could finally hear my Mom up front but couldn't see her. We started moving which was scary and Joe kept asking more questions, feeling areas. I called out to make sure it WAS Mom's voice and it was. Joe was really nice, he kept trying to get me to breathe slower, telling me it wasn't going to help me any, but could he really blame me? I hurt and I was scared out of my mind.

We were in the ambulance for about 15 to 20 minutes and then they were carrying me out and we were in a bright place. A guy took off the brace and had me move my head around, which was uncomfoartable but apparently good to them. Because he was taking off all of it, the brace and all the straps. Which made the lady who drove the ambulance mad, because until I was admitted, it was law I stay strapped in apparently. They put many bracelets on my hand, and my Mom was finally there holding my hand. I was so cold. They unstrapped me and made me sit up, and that was when I realized my back was killing me too. They made me stand up and I felt so dizzy. I finally noticed my Dad sitting at a desk as he answered questions. He had been brought over by an ambulance too. And was admitted to the ER too. They told us to go sit in the waiting room, that we were going to be admitted to the "gold pod" and that it would get us in and out faster. I found it so weird as Mom and Joe walked me to the waiting area, that we were being placed IN a waiting area. We were in a head on collision, we didn't drive ourselves because we were hurt. So it just seemed weird. Joe sat with us and had us answer more questions. He continued to tell me to hold my breath and then breathe out slowly. I was breathing so fast still. We had to sign things. Dad joined us and had to sign lots too. My Mom was sitting funny and we were finally talking about the accident to each other. My Mom had been in the back, no seat belt. Luckily tonight she had been sitting directly behind me and not in the middle. She had used her arms to brace herself, but had jerked around too. She was finally feeling really achy and in pain, but she wouldn't let herself be admitted. She said it was to be expected, your muscles bunch up when you see you are going to be hit and then the accident even braced, plus she says when you are hit muscles move and clench so she said NO.

Joe left finally, which was a little scary for me, he was the one medical person who seemed nice and was paying attention to us. When I told him the cheescakes were in the car he commiserated what a horrid shame that was. So he said goodbye and left. We sat there, huddled close. I couldn't stop crying. I was seeing it over and over in my head. And my Mom, is not as iron strong as I thought, she was working at being calm, really really working. I couldn't stop saying stuff like "why didn't he stop? He never even tried to move!" and stuff like that. I had felt my Dad try to swerve and felt out car's breaks try but there was no avoiding the accident, because the driver never slowed or tried to get out of the way. It was like he thought if he kept going, WE could make the accident not happen. My sisters arrived which made me bawl even more. I have no idea why. I hurt so much and there were my girls and I was scared, it was just all too much. My Dad was glad they were there for multiple reasons. He was worried that Gabby, the GPS would be stolen. Yes, seriously. He was waiting to be examined himself and he was worried about Gabby. That had me blubbering about the cheesecake and how it must look now. The MAIN reason I wanted to eat at CF. They were actually able to make me laugh for a second because I was crying about cheesecake too. So they left to go to the police station and get the report and see if the car place was still open so they could rescue Gabby at least.

We were waiting for almost 2 hours and then they finally had a room for Dad, and one for me, far from one another. Mom went with me. They gave me a gown and no one returned. Mom stayed with me. She told me my face looked really weird, not just my mouth anymore. When I finally needed to use a restroom I was aghast at the red patches all over my neck and lower face. Joe had wondered at one point how hard the airbag hit me and also commented that the smoke I saw was cornstarch which the airbags had in them. He said I might be allergic to it. Now I knew why. I shuffled carefully back to the room and waited with my Mom. She was really hurting now, leaning her face into my leg as we waited, with Glee on the TV, but I couldn't pay attention to that. Everything now hurt. I checked my knees out and figured Joe was right, they looked fine. But they hurt. And my back and neck and head were killing me. My chest was throbbing. And we just continued waiting. We watched the whoever they were, behind the desks, just chatting and looking up things on google!! We wondered WHO actually worked there besides the cute black guy who did admitting. My Mom went and checked on Dad, he too was still waiting. We waited more, an hour had gone by.

I got a text and my Mom got my phone out for me and it was from my Dad asking if I had seen a doctor yet. I was like, nope, what about you? He texted back, not one in sight, and then typed how now brown cow? Which made me laugh which hurt!! I talked with my Mom, now that tears were sporadic. I was so pissed that this happened. I was like, I am NOT missing Hannah's party tommorrow, NO, no way. My Mom was trying to calm me down, tell me I had to see! I hadn't even been checked out yet, but I was adamant. It didn't matter I was in agony, I did not want to miss this oppurtunity. I was supposed to go outside my comfort zone and really wanted to get a chance to be comfortable with Hannah, so we could be good friends. So I was now in pain AND pissed. So I texted Hannah, just as the doctor finally arrived, and told her I had been in a head on collision but was going to try my best not to let this guy ruin this for me. She was worried for me, but I had to stop now.

He felt along my chest and pressed so hard I wanted to bawl again. He had me get up and felt along my spine and hit some areas that made me cry out. He checked out my face. He told me I was going to be in a lot of pain, especially in the next 3 days. He told me I was going to have to ice my sore areas a lot. He prescribed me percocet and skelaxin, a muscle relaxer. He told me a surce would bring me some percocet and that I was free to go. Except no nurse showed up so I had to wait. Mom went to Dad, as he was next up and he got the same RX's as me. Finally a nurse brought me a pill and we could go, even as we tried to talk my Mom into getting checked out. NO. So we got into the car, which scared me and I shuddered the whole way home. Sure it was cold, but being in a car, scared the crap out of me. We got home and my parents made me take a bath after I took the skelaxin too. As I lay there I felt vindicated as brusies started forming on my knees. I KNEW it!

Of course they didn't immediately look like this, this is how they started looking about 3 days after the accident. How they still look. Yeah, if they LOOK painful, yes they are that much MORE painful in actuality. And as the days passed more bruised popped up, like my pictures from the other day:

This is the left inner side of my left boob/chest. It feels this painful on both sides, but this was the side that bruised. I think having large chest's is the only reason my rib cage doesn't LOOK like this. They got in the way, essentially. I think if they didn't my chest/rib area would hurt even more than it does now. I thought at one point that I was getting better, which yes actually worried me, because I am so not over this. It plays over and over in my head, making my cry. I haven't driven myself anywhere since, being IN a car makes me anxious. I should have not said I was worried because tonight, Thanksgiving night, I feel as badly as I did the first few days. Driving up to my Aunt's for Turkey Day, might have been a mistake.

My Dad didn't hurt at first, he was all I am good the next day, and went to the police and Gabby was safe indeed. He also took pics of our car so I could see. The other car has a flat tire...yeah, and might need transmission work...aww poor baby, our new 2 year old car is dead!! But within another day or so, Dad began to feel the pain and still hurts a lot. My Mom didn't go to work the next day, or the next, she was in agony too. Finally on Sunday the 22nd, Sam took her to the ER where she got to spend 6 hours, and she got pain meds and was told she'd bruised her ribs really good and wasn't to return to work until the 27th, Friday. She says we are crash buddies. I love my Mom. So yeah the pain has been back in full force the last 2 days actually. Trying to take a bath last night was actually painful, nothing was comfortable. Tonight it is really bad. Oh and let me tell you something I found out. Hiccups following a car accident are agony. They have made it so bad a few times, I cried. So I have been doing a LOT of sleeping. Even when it has been 14 hours since I took a pain pill, I fall asleep so easily no matter how hard I try not to. My Mom tells me not to fight it. My bosy needs it or something to recover from the trauma. So yeah, I have not been up to much, but emailing my friend Hannah and a quick hello post, and that kind of thing. Even if I get more than this typed up tonight, I have no idea how I will feel tommorrow, so I will see how it goes.

And you may ask, did you go to the New Moon party and if you did, HOW did you do it? Yes I did go, I am that stubborn. And percocet and 4 bottles of 5-hour Energy people. And I do not regret going either. That is another post though.

Like I said toward the beginning. What a difference 5 minutes can make. Finally yesterday the blame was put on this 17 year old driver. He claims he didn't see us. But I find that hard to believe and he had a yellow light he decided to try and beat. I want to sue him and his family. I don't care if it was him driving. What was a 17 year old doing in that huge truck if he isn't even a good driver?! We have to replace a car and they do not give you all the money to replace a car, so I want us to sue. We are all still in pain, my Mom missed a week of work, and she is going to try to go in tommorrow, but she is in such pain still. I want him to pay. There are consequences for what he did and I want him to learn them.

One Year Blogiversary!!

I really do find it extremely strange to think that it has been a year to the day, since my first post. A year...it seems unbelievable! Oh and what a post it was too. It was entitled "What Up?" and said this:

"Well it seems everyone is jumping on the blog bandwagon, and so I am giving it a shot of my own. I'll probably post poems, talk about my love of movies and talk about just general stuff and rant of course...when I remember I have a blog. See, I was never much good at keeping a journal or diary so this may start off strong and fizzle, or maybe no one will even read this, but even if they don't, hey...maybe I will have an online journal I can print out one day.
But seriously, these are my personal meanderings, so they may seem to veer aimlessly from subject to subject at times, but it's just from my perspective. My thoughts tend to be scattered, but hey...maybe yours are too!"

Yup that gem was how it all started. What the heck was the matter with me...what up??!! Oy the pain of the lameness I am known for. But none-the-less, a miracle happened. I stuck with it. I even exceeded any expectations I ever had in my dreams. I have often posted multiple times in a day! I have more than 400 posts. I, who can't write in a journal more than 2 days before forgetting about it and years pass, have been steadily writing for a year now!

I have been able to do things I never thought myself capable of. I decided after about 3 weeks maybe, that I was going to be 100% me on this blog. I was going to be honest and open and let it all hang out there, for the world to see. I decided to start writing about how I actually felt, to share my battle with depression and other mental disorders, like Social Anxiety and OCD. I decided to tell people I had a gastric bypass, and went into every minute detail of my experience with it. I decided I was just going to be me.

The more I wrote, the more something inside of me was set free. I was writing about things I didn't think I could ever talk about, not even to people I have known forever, and it was scary, but it was liberating too. Oh yeah, it has been scary. I worried what people would think of me, how I would be judged. If revealing the real me, would end up being a mistake. That it would make me lose these friends I was making through the Blog World, because they would see me as some sort of freak. But the feeling I got, as I wrote down my feelings and worries, it felt good. Scary but it felt so right too. Like talking out the bad, or even the good, from that day and sharing it, was helping me somehow. I still don't know how, but I can feel that this helps me.

And people were responding to me, encouraging me and giving me words of advice and love. Through luck I found Kristina in the beginning, and she suggested a few friends of hers as people to read and respond to, and they, a miracle to me, became my friends too. And then I found more and more amazing people that I liked and they liked me too and started leaving me comments. People actually found what I had to say worthwhile and interesting. Which gave me more courage to write and to comment on their blogs. It started getting easier to believe that people actually liked my blog.

Sure, I have my issues with self esteem, so I still worry, what will people think about this post? I wonder when I only get one or two people commenting, am I losing my friends, have I gotten less interesting? But the thing is, I am being me, and if I change my blog to attract more followers, is that worth it? It will mean I am not being myself and I think that is what has kept me blogging. For a whole year now. So if being myself means I never get over 60 readers, I am trying ( hey I am being honest) to be okay with that. It means those people actually care about me and what I have to say. They stick by me, through the good funny stories, and the rants about my darkest feelings. And those are the people who really count.

I have found a little piece of the net, where I belong. And I have found friends here who make the days easier, make the days funnier, just make my day sometimes with a simple comment. I have been blessed with the people I have encountered through my blog. No wonder, I have been able to keep at it. I have made too many friends, real friends, to want to stop talking to them about my days, or to stop hearing about theirs. I have learned so much from all of you. I have found people who actually LIKE me rambling about movies, and found their ramblings about movies fascinating to read.

I can only hope I can continue with this. This has been so good for me. In so many ways. This has been a place to express the real me and feel accepted. This has been almost like a journal, something I have never been able to do before. This has been therapeutic in some ways, because I have found people who have felt the same way and have given me hope and great advice.

I am so proud to have made it to One Year, and can't wait to say I have made it to another! In celebration of blogging for a whole year, I will be doing a giveaway when I get back to CT. This is no review and giveaway, but a Giveaway hosted solely by me, for you guys. I have some shopping to do, but I do have one thing I have been holding onto, from The Body Shop. That is all I will say for now. LOL.

So thank you for being great friends, and for reading my blog! I appreciate each and every one of you! And I hope in one year I can say it all again!!

Talk and Tired

Hey guys. It was a slow day. We tried a new diner tonight and I loved it. I had grilled cheese and it was yummy, and they give you pickles which is a MUST for me, so I applaud them. Plus they had a chicken noodle soup that I liked. The broth was good, and that is a requirement for me to like the soup. The broth must be good. Plus I brought some cheesecake with strawberries home and it made my mouth happy. Very delicious.

I talked for awhile with my Mom and then my Dad joined us. I am just tired of that relative situation, so tired, but for me, it will never be over. I have to live with it for the rest of my life, because I want it to be okay for my family. If it weren't for the fact that their happiness in this certain matter, all stands on my shoulders, I'd be tempted to say "screw it" and just not be involved with these people, even those totally innocent in it. But my parents and sisters' happiness is too important to me, so I must carry this burden.

I am just finding it really difficult knowing this is a burden I will never be rid of, or at least not for many, many years. I am just so tired of it all. It isn't even (okay not SO much) what they demanded anymore, it is what they did to get their way. It is just still so insane to me, that people can be so cruel. And to relatives. I am just worried that this pressure is going to break me. That it will be the final straw on this camel's back, and then Wendy will disappear and be replaced by an empty shell. This just hurts my heart so much. And knowing that while other things I try and fight may go away, disappear over time, but this is something I can never shake off...it is just scary. Other things that bother you when you are depressed, you can try and do things about, but I can't change anything about this. We have no say, we have no control, so I am stuck in this limbo forever. And that pisses me off. Sorry, but it makes me mad. It is exhausting, and I don't need it on top of everything else I am facing.

So I just needed to talk with my parents and express my frustrations and heartache, and make sure they understood where my head and heart were at. And that NO, it was never a choice for me to do anything else. I love my parents and sisters and there was only one choice to make, the one where they didn't lose out. My parents told me it is because I am gracious and want to do the right thing for this, but I don't know about that. I just know I couldn't be the reason any of them were unhappy or screwed over. These 4 people (4.5 if you include Maxie...he is only 23 lbs, thus the .5) mean the world to me, I love them so much, and don't know what I'd do without them in my life. So I will do what I need to, to make sure things are right for them. It is just scary to know, you have to keep something on your shoulders for keeps. With no lightening of your load in sight.

I just needed to get these feelings out. And it is the strongest thing in my mind when I went to blog. This talk with my parents. I am just so tired of it all, I want to cry again. But it makes no difference and I need to do this for my family. It is just hard you know? Dealing with something that you would be better off walking away from, but knowing you can't. Is there anything suckier than that? And I will be seeing these people soon and I don't know how I will deal with it. How do YOU deal with people who have hurt you beyond repair? I won't be able to pretend we are fine, so does being stand-offish work? Will that send the message that I may be here for a visit, but I'd prefer you keep your distance? Any advice would be appreciated.

*I am including this video again, as it really expresses how I feel a lot lately and I just find it amazing. And since I think many of you didn't see it, I want to share it as much as possible!

Why and How

Okay I admit it, I am not doing well still. I had a blessing, but I just feel wrong. (And I'd also like to give Lee an FYI. Mormons ARE Christians. I will so get you free pamphlets if you want) I think this whole thing kind of opened the floodgates to some other things I didn't realize were even on my mind. I am just trying to get through today, to keep myself otherwise occupied. But apparently my brain had some talking to do first, and I had to get it written down. So being a faster typer than writer, even with my two fingered typing (although I have noticed a third finger joining in...oh wait nope the thumbs hitting the space bar don't really count), I started to type the poem I felt forming in my head. I haven't felt a poem in a long while, you may have noticed the lack of it. And it may not even BE a poem, I don't really know what constitutes a poem, but I call it one regardless. A song stuck in my head is the melody I initially let the words flow to, then I played other songs and a snippet or a word from the song inspired the next paragraph, until I had a really long poem. I am sorry it is so long, but when I reread it out loud, as nonsensical as it might actualy be, I liked it. It felt right, it felt like the things that I was and am feeling.

Why And How

You don't know me well

But how can I expect you to?

When I don't know myself

How can I ask you to?

I thought you'd pick up my slack

But what gives me that right?

You never agreed to do both your work and mine

Why should that be asked of you?

I reached out my hand for yours

Why did I think ours would entwine there?

You have a life of your own to live

Why should my lack of one be your concern?

I sung out the beginning of a tune

Why did I think you'd know the rest?

My brain works in odd twists and turns

Why did I think you could understand me?

I fell on the ground and lost my way

Why did I think you could guide me home?

As Winter bursts around me and buries me in ice

Why did I assume you could offer me shelter?

As the darkness surrounds me and sings it has won

Why did I think you could make the fear run and hide?

As I doubt my worth and reasons for being here

Why did I think you could offer me answers?

As another day ends and I have done nothing worthy

How can I expect you to show me I have made you proud?

When everything is going so wrong and is a nightmare

How can I think you can turn things around to be better?

As days go by and my need for help never seems to abate

Why do I wish you would offer more than I give in return?

As happy couples dance by me and I sit alone once more

Why do I feel you should offer your shoulder to cry on?

As I lose myself more inside my mind and its’ angry sadness

How can I expect you to have the power to change me?

As I fool myself again and again into thinking I will be me again

Why do I feel such anger that you haven’t answered my prayers?

I am the only one stuck inside the havoc that is my brain

How can I think you can help me escape its’ grasp?

I can’t believe this is the life you set out for me to live

Why did I think you’d lend me a hand and set me free?

The writing has been there on the wall for the world to see

Why do I keep expecting you to wipe it clean and let me start again?

If I had known this was when the best of my life should have been…

How can I turn the clock back and recapture what has slipped through my fingers?

The tears fall down my face and I feel it is too late

Why does it feel like you have given up on me, like I am lost to you?

My soul has been torn apart like cheap pieces of paper

So why do I keep looking for you in the foggy forest of my thoughts?

I keep searching for the path that had that railing you made for me

But why can I no longer see it, no matter which way I look to?

If I am not alone and you are here with me, by my side

Why is the pain so bad and the darkness so near?

If I had known the course my life would take and objected

Would you have changed things to make me less scared to live it?

If I am not crazy, if I haven’t totally lost my mind

Why do people look at me so strangely, like I am a freak?

If other people share these same trials and tribulations as I

Why do they hide themselves from me, when I need to know I am not alone?

It seems like life shows me no mercy, though I know others have it worse

But why do I feel like my pain is the worst there has ever been?

You don’t know me well, but then neither do I, isn’t that sad

When will that change, will I ever know the real me?

I expect you to know me and what is inside my whole heart

Why do I expect you to be by my side and tell me I’m not lost?

Tell me I am not lost to you.

I ♥ Nia!! and Awards

Tonight I went to a 10pm showing of Nia Vardalos's new movie, My Life in Ruins. Any Nia fans out there know that her two other films, My Big Fat Greek Wedding and Connie & Carla, were hysterical, so could this new movie live up to her former glory? YES, yes it can and did! It was hilarious and man that hairy dude is HOT once he starts shaving and then when he cuts his hair, holy crap, she found the motherload!!

As the credits started, being the movie geek I am, I noted "Hey Look!! Ian Gomez is in the movie!", which drew blank stares from my sisters. I was like, "her real life husband...he was Javier in Felicity...ring ANY bells?". It can be lonely when you are the only movie buff in the theater! *sighs* They did recognize him when he showed up in the movie, and it was so funny, because he is so slimy in it and you want to gag, but she is in love with HIM in real life! LOL!

Anyway, the story follows Georgia, a history professor who lost her job after moving to Greece a year ago. She has been working for a tour bus company and is the least popular tour director as she is spouting of all facts and no fun. So she gets the crappy bus, the d-list tourists, and now a new driver who she decideds speaks no English and is a scary hairy man that gives her the creeps. Her tourists include Richard Dreyfuss who is phenomenal in this movie. He is so funny, and you think he is SO obnoxious at first, until his secret is revealed and he ends up being Georgia's sounding board, and pushes her to live life. You've got the weirdo who is a big wig for IHOP and collects vinatge syrup, the noisy Americans(hey!), the unintelligle Aussies (hey hey!!) who are never without a beer, the old people, which includes old lady clepto, who just miraculously has souveneirs for everybody ALL the time! ROFL! And a myriad of other colorful characters who are going to teach this uptight Georgia how to live life and love it too. And of course they have to give the gorgeous "hairy beast" such an unforgettable name. His nickname, to shorten his first name is Poopie...yup really. So when the tourists say they'd rather call him by his last then...yeah his last name is Kakas. Poopie Kakas. If you don't get it...I am sorry. Truly. So I LOVED this movie and now it makes me wanna go find Connie & Carla!! If you missed that one, RENT it!!! Nia and Toni Collette pretend to be drag queens to be safe from bad guys and they end up headlining a drag show, and HOLY CRAP! Their voices are amazing!! It is so freaking hilarious, especially when Nia falls for David Duchovny, who thinks she is a man! It is so good!!

Elsewhere, I had an anger attack. Those relatives that crossed the line are just driving me mad. I feel sick just thinking about them, and am not interested in what they want, not anymore. I don't even like to think about THEM, so the fact that they were brought up, just festered inside of me without me even realizing it, until I had to get that anger out. I am calmer now, but it just reinforces that even thinking about them right now is too much for me. They are not good for my mental health.

I watched Defiance the other night, don't remember if I brought it up and it was amazing. And the fact that it IS a true story just made it that much more powerful. Daniel Craig and Liev Schreiber were magnificent in it, as two of the four Bielski brothers who survived the Jew massacres and hid in the forest for over 2 years, taking in more and more Jews, and not only hiding, but fighting the enemy to survive. In the end, they ended up saving over 1200 Jews. It would have been even more too, but they lost MANY to typhus and the winter and fighting the Germans. And when they disbanded, these brothers never asked for acknowledgement or any recognition. They just did it, and no one was turned away. They took the young and the oldest of the old, and Tuvia, the brother who led them, told them everyone was equal. Women were talk to be soldiers as well as young children. They had to do everything they could to survive. They ended up making a community that took care of itself. And the story was amazing. And while watching to trailers before it I saw a really long one for Benjamin Button, so today I got it from Redbox and am going to watch it once this post is done. It looks very interesting, though I am worried about how it will end. Anyway if you want to see the human spirit at it's finest, Defiance is a movie to watch. Like when I watched The Boy in the Striped Pajamas, it brings the Holocaust to life for those who didn't experience it firsthand, etc. And it makes you wonder, how on Earth people can do such things to another, but it did happen and it just makes you FEEL. It is hard to explain. You feel closer to that event in history and it enrages you to think of what those people went through, and that you can't change history for them. It is just amazing. Really.

I also got two awards from my friend Sheri at Sheri's World!

I got The Adorable Blog Award!

The rules are to:
Include the award logo in your blog or post.
Nominate as many blogs which you like.
Be sure to link to your nominees within your post.
Let them know that they have received this award by commenting on their blog.
Share the love and link to this post and to the person from whom you received your award.

I also got The Queen of All Things Awe-summm award

Rules:

List 7 things that make you awe-summm and then pass to 7 bloggers that you love. Make sure to tag your recipients and let them know that they have won! Also link back to the Queen that tagged you.

I’m Awe-summm because…
1. I hate lies, even ones of omission, so I don't lie.
2. I am a GREAT source for tv and movie knowledge.
3. I love dogs.
4. I will defend those I love until my last breath.
5. I love to make things, like drawings and crafts, etc.
6. I love to laugh.
7. I can't dance but I have definite opinions on who else can dance. I love you SYTYCD!!

Since I have two awards to now give away… I’d like to give them BOTH to the names listed below. Congratulations!

Ca-Joh at http://cajoh.blogspot.com/
doo-dah at http://sostinkingfunny.blogspot.com/
Fiauna at http://formyfour.blogspot.com/
Natalie at http://hensleyherald.blogspot.com/
Mama Kat at http://mamakatslosinit.blogspot.com/
Denise at http://sunflowerschocolateandlittleboys.blogspot.com/
Michelle at http://thingsmichellehastotell.blogspot.com/

These are amazing bloggers, so go and check them out if you haven't already!!

Pampered Chefs or Not?

Saints Preserved!! Sorry, I love that phrase, reminds me of old Hollywood movies, LOL! I have my excercise buddy BACK!! She and my Mom talked while I was still asleep, and they had agreed that Sandy would excercise with me on Tuesdays and Thursdays and my Mom would try to the other three days. While this was better than nothing and my Mom is always welcome in whatever I do, it just still didn't feel right. So I wrote my sister a letter asking her for three days, though by the end I was telling her I much preferred all 5 days a week and told her how she made me able to do it, how much her iron will spurred me on. She didn't end up reading it before we had to leave for Weezie's Pampered Chef Party.

I was really excited to see Weezie, as I haven't talked to her in person since finding out she is 2 months pregnant. And Weezie is not only one of my BFF's, she is like a sister to me, so she told me I am an Auntie to her little tadpole. Her husband Zak has described it as a peanut with t-rex arms, so I have heard it referred to as Rexxy too, LOL. It is so Weezie and Zak! We had to take 2 seperate cars because Katie was supposed to (yeah she didn't) leave from Weezie's and go straight to a gig. So we have never been to Weezie and Zak's new apartment. It is about 25 minutes away supposedly, but we wouldn't know, we got lost. Yahoo directions SUCK! Luckily Katie has really gotten to know the streets of CT as she travels so much for gigs, so she eventually got us to the complex. Now on the invite all it said was #186 so we saw a building that said it and parked our cars, I was so stressed by this point, being the one trying to tail Katie through town was NOT cool, it wasn't even funny. We ran into a friend Michelle and we all began walking looking and looking, trying to figure out...ummm where do we go? All it said was 186 and all of us, Michelle included are clueless, so we begin trekking, get to a pool, get to building 6 and finally I am like, we have a prego here no I am calling Zak. Yeah building 18!!! No where did it say that and I felt so bad for Michelle, walking all the way back to our cars and following us, again. We made it though and it was so crowded. Apparently the woman told her invite 40 people, but only 10 will come. Yeah, not true, at least 20 of us were in that little apartment I really never got to see because it was filled to the brim. Many women sat on the ground. The lady presenting was cramped and we were closest to her and couldn't hear her talking she was that soft-spoken. Weezie had bruschetta there and it was SO good! I have only ever liked it once before, when her mom Judy made it. I need that recipe Weeze!! Anyway we wanted to support Weezie getting as much as she could from hosting this so we bought $50 worth of stuff. Which was 4 things, a resizable measuring spoon, a cupcake decorating kit, a big glass bowl with lid and this thing that kinda makes Uncrustables sandwiches. It cuts off the crust and seals the sandwich innards in...what my Mom got it because I wanted it okay? I love Uncrustables...and now I can make them as fluffer-nutters or whatever I want! :) I really tried to keep us there as long as possible, hoping the other women would start to leave and we could chat with Weezie and Judy and her future SIL Ashley, but the women were not leaving!! What the hay?! Sad;y my Mom's back started to hurt so we said our byes and left. Weezie I so want to get together! I miss you and Judy like crazy, TOV spoiled me for life!

We went home and I kept waiting for Sandy to go to her room, so she would find the note and maybe change her mind. I kept on going...I thought you wanted to change, go on, etc. But nothing! As I sat there it became clearer in my mind that I also wanted her there excercising beside me everyday, because it was time I spent with HER. So I excused myself and went up and added to the note. And continued to make veiled suggestions until I was doing a tell-tale (they say this, not me) sign I was distressed, which is I wring my fingers. Sandy said at one point if I didn't stop I was going to pull away a finger. So clued behind my back that there was a not upstairs she went and changed. And when she got back, she told me that we would continue as we had been until September, when we would evaluate how things were going then. And I promptly burst into tears, and she hugged me and let me cry on her because I couldn't stop. Silly maybe, but I was so happy and relieved I couldn't control myself!

To distract me, my Mom suggested Sam and I go down to Target while she soaked her back, and buy some things for a care package. So Sam and I went and had a good time picking stuff out and when we got back we cooked perogies and the three of us watched Sneakers, one of my Mom's personal faves, and it is SO good so I love watching it too. It is an excellent movie! Then, this is where you go Poor Wendy, since I had not excercised Friday as I was too upset, I HAD to tonight. I ended up doing a dvd with the stability ball and now I hurt. I overdid one of the stretches because my upper thigh is killing me when I walk. Oy, not good. So I finally got OUT of the shower at 2 am and just started Defiance, with Daniel Craig, but it has been on pause for the last hour as I chatted with Kate when she got home from her gig and am typing this and I felt like I am going to like this movie so I don't want to miss anything.

So while Friday may have made me feel like I was out of control and had no stability, Saturday ended with me feeling very grateful for having the family I do, and made me know this was the family I was always meant to have. Have a good Sunday everyone! (HUGS)

Worse than Eeehhhh.

Yeah today is a down in the Pit of Despair day. No reason for it. Just is what it is. So here is a song by Britt Nicole, that just...expresses some of the feelings I experience. This song kind of like cuts it all open and exposes these...feelings. But ends up hopeful too. She is a christian singer. I feel like the "she" being sung about. Sorry if it's not a happy, fun video or anything. This just expresses where my head and heart are right now. But hoping, well trying to hope, for the same thing that "she" is hoping for.


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