Scalding Water

This is a poem I wrote when I was upset one night. Maybe it is lame, maybe it makes no sense, but I still like it for some reason, so I decided to type it up and see what you thought.

Scalding Water

I've been sent to the back-burner again

My fears and worries set aside for another's

No one cares as I boil over and scald myself

I've lost the attention of the ones who would care.

Why do I let myself be judged and appraised?

When all you do is spit me out and hate the aftertaste

You'll go to anyone else to cleanse your palate

And you set me aside and let me scald myself.

You could care less that I counted on your attention

You'd rather see me dissipate and be lost forever

You can't take the time to see that I don't go bitter

To take the time would mean you'd have to care.

You said you'd be in charge and make it all better

That you stir things in a way to balance the flavors

But you put me on the back-burner and cranked me up to high

Knowing I'd have to boil over and once again, scald myself.

You knew that on my own I'd burn and leave a stain

I'd turn to charred remains and be tossed out with the refuse

But you watched and sat back as I boiled with crazy madness

Knowing I'd soon be gone, a scald stain on the stove top.

You weren't supposed to let me burn and boil and steam like this

You made promises of helping whisk the fears away for good

Of adding flavors to erase all the bitterness I feel all day

But you broke your word and threw me out, with the trash.

Is that how you see me, as a filthy piece of trash?

Is that what you wanted, a boiled over mess?

You've managed to make me feel like a distasteful waste of life

So have your way, I'll just continue, to boil over and scald myself.

Poetry and Pics

Um yup, this is a BLATANT reminder to click on over to my Brand New photography blog and follow and comment. I want it all Baby!! So click the button or HERE!!

Okay, on to a poem I have been working on. I am actually working on quite a few, but am feeling this one is ready to show and see if I get my point across, or if it just jumbled words that only can make sense to me, the writer. So here goes:

Highway to Hell

There's always going to be another battle
Another fight to face, another step to take
Isn't it time for a rest stop, a chance to breathe?
I could use a little down time, let's stop this trek

Let's stretch our legs and let our hair blow freely
Take a seat on the hood and soak up the suns' warmth
Let the rays break some of the ice clinging to my heart
I've had to cake it in snow just to stop the bleeding

There seems to be no end to this journey in sight
Just when I think I have reached the end of my battle
Another interstate appears and I am forced to drive it
Always driving alone with the passer-bys' not seeing me

Alone and tired on this highway to my own personal hell
I am forced to keep going on to the next bump in my road
Which forces my car off the sandy road to a screeching halt
I am not allowed to miss any of the trials set before me

I tried once by avoiding the potholes in the road
Only to find they moved close as I tried to pass them
Forcing me into a ditch before settling under my tire tread
It seems sometimes you cannot avoid traffic accidents

You have to accept that this is your avenue, your lot in life
That you can't put on cruise control and breeze through happily
You need to buckle up and put on your headlights to guide you
Click the hazards on as you dart and weave through your torment

Short + Sweet 1

-Wendy

Suicidal Snake

I am having a bad day with depression and my bi-polar/OCD tendencies. So I really don't feel like posting any of the worries dominating my brain. I worry it will make the pain awaken once more and I will be sitting here alone, in tears. Which is not good for me at all. At least not tonight. So I decided to post a poem I have been working on, while I have had bad days. The thing is I am afraid it makes no sense. It is called Suicidal Snake.

Now, as I believe in what my Church teaches, I know that I can never hurt myself in such a way, or I will never be with my loved ones in Heaven. Holding on to the thought of being with my loved ones, and the loved ones who have passed, helps keep me strong enough to fight. But anyone who has had real serious problems with depression, etc. knows that it creeps into your brain sometimes, even if you don't want it to. You are in such a dark place that is flits through your mind, wouldn't it just be easier if this was all over? I, personally, have a pact with someone, that if I ever seriously start considering this option, I will go to them first. But even if you know, this is not something I will do, you can't stop the thoughts when you are at the end of your rope, from entering your mind. If you can actually say, I have had a very bad case of depression or another similar disorder, and it never entered your mind, then you are either lying to yourself, or did not deal with a serious case of depression. I am sorry but it is true. When your life is that out of balance, that dark, even if it is a second-long fleeting thought, it was there. Depression and anxiety are so exhausting and you can't help but to think it once in a while. I admit it because I want people to know I GET it, I understand thinking about it. It does not make you a bad person, a weak person, it makes you human.

And so, one day when I was writing I started writing a poem that dealt with the topic, but as I wrote, it began to turn in a different direction, and I tried to word it in a way where you sense that something else is making the person think this way...I don't know, this is why I worry that it won't make sense. Here goes.

Suicidal Snake

I can taste the tears as they glide down my cheek
These battles I face seem to grow harder each day
I am supposed to keep going, keep trying, keep moving
When all I really want is to give up, give in and die

It's not the right way to think, the right way to be
But when your nails are torn from holding on so long
You just want to let go of that cliff and fall free
Fall into something that takes away the hurt and pain

You never mean to think suicide is the only answer left
It just naturally beats in your head like your hearts' pulse
Set yourself free, something tells you, maybe the snake in that garden
The fear, the loneliness can all be over, if you let it all go

Listen to me, it hisses, as it slithers around your heart
It can take all your pain away, It can set your soul free of this
All you need to do is take a few extra pills, take an extra step forward
It will be over in a split second and you will forget all these hurts

The noises in your head will finally stop and be silenced...forever
No more doctors, no more people claiming things will get better
No more being judged by those around you for failing to be like them
Those pills you swallow each day are never going to help you like it can

They tell you if you keep trying, you will be happier, get healthier
How many years are you going to listen to that before you get a clue?
They have no answers, no guarantees your life will ever change for the good
They are just trying to tempt you into a false sense that waiting will fix you

You are smarter than that, you have waited a decade and nothing has improved
Why continue on, because they tell you if you breathe a new way you're saved?
No, No, you see them for the liars and bigots they are, just money hungry thieves
They don't want you to end your unjust torment because they are selfish for more

But with a plunge off that peak, or an albeit painful flick to your wrist
It can all be gone, poof, like a magic trick performed by a master magician
The serpent slides up your arm, resting it's head in the crook of your neck
If life is too much to bear, why should you have to endure it, it breathes

It nudges its' head into your face, a caress of sorts, and sings a lullaby
All your worries and all you are afraid of can be gone if you trust my words
There is no guarantee that if you keep trying, life will hand you happiness
So take the initiative and find a better place, I have one perfect in mind

You turn your head and gaze into the serpents eyes, eyes full of lulling promises
It was promising all your hearts desires, so why do you feel the words are lies?
This innocent creature was created by the same as you, so why hesitate at its' words
This would make it all stop, so why is your soul screaming to crush the skull with your heel?

Why and How

Okay I admit it, I am not doing well still. I had a blessing, but I just feel wrong. (And I'd also like to give Lee an FYI. Mormons ARE Christians. I will so get you free pamphlets if you want) I think this whole thing kind of opened the floodgates to some other things I didn't realize were even on my mind. I am just trying to get through today, to keep myself otherwise occupied. But apparently my brain had some talking to do first, and I had to get it written down. So being a faster typer than writer, even with my two fingered typing (although I have noticed a third finger joining in...oh wait nope the thumbs hitting the space bar don't really count), I started to type the poem I felt forming in my head. I haven't felt a poem in a long while, you may have noticed the lack of it. And it may not even BE a poem, I don't really know what constitutes a poem, but I call it one regardless. A song stuck in my head is the melody I initially let the words flow to, then I played other songs and a snippet or a word from the song inspired the next paragraph, until I had a really long poem. I am sorry it is so long, but when I reread it out loud, as nonsensical as it might actualy be, I liked it. It felt right, it felt like the things that I was and am feeling.

Why And How

You don't know me well

But how can I expect you to?

When I don't know myself

How can I ask you to?

I thought you'd pick up my slack

But what gives me that right?

You never agreed to do both your work and mine

Why should that be asked of you?

I reached out my hand for yours

Why did I think ours would entwine there?

You have a life of your own to live

Why should my lack of one be your concern?

I sung out the beginning of a tune

Why did I think you'd know the rest?

My brain works in odd twists and turns

Why did I think you could understand me?

I fell on the ground and lost my way

Why did I think you could guide me home?

As Winter bursts around me and buries me in ice

Why did I assume you could offer me shelter?

As the darkness surrounds me and sings it has won

Why did I think you could make the fear run and hide?

As I doubt my worth and reasons for being here

Why did I think you could offer me answers?

As another day ends and I have done nothing worthy

How can I expect you to show me I have made you proud?

When everything is going so wrong and is a nightmare

How can I think you can turn things around to be better?

As days go by and my need for help never seems to abate

Why do I wish you would offer more than I give in return?

As happy couples dance by me and I sit alone once more

Why do I feel you should offer your shoulder to cry on?

As I lose myself more inside my mind and its’ angry sadness

How can I expect you to have the power to change me?

As I fool myself again and again into thinking I will be me again

Why do I feel such anger that you haven’t answered my prayers?

I am the only one stuck inside the havoc that is my brain

How can I think you can help me escape its’ grasp?

I can’t believe this is the life you set out for me to live

Why did I think you’d lend me a hand and set me free?

The writing has been there on the wall for the world to see

Why do I keep expecting you to wipe it clean and let me start again?

If I had known this was when the best of my life should have been…

How can I turn the clock back and recapture what has slipped through my fingers?

The tears fall down my face and I feel it is too late

Why does it feel like you have given up on me, like I am lost to you?

My soul has been torn apart like cheap pieces of paper

So why do I keep looking for you in the foggy forest of my thoughts?

I keep searching for the path that had that railing you made for me

But why can I no longer see it, no matter which way I look to?

If I am not alone and you are here with me, by my side

Why is the pain so bad and the darkness so near?

If I had known the course my life would take and objected

Would you have changed things to make me less scared to live it?

If I am not crazy, if I haven’t totally lost my mind

Why do people look at me so strangely, like I am a freak?

If other people share these same trials and tribulations as I

Why do they hide themselves from me, when I need to know I am not alone?

It seems like life shows me no mercy, though I know others have it worse

But why do I feel like my pain is the worst there has ever been?

You don’t know me well, but then neither do I, isn’t that sad

When will that change, will I ever know the real me?

I expect you to know me and what is inside my whole heart

Why do I expect you to be by my side and tell me I’m not lost?

Tell me I am not lost to you.

Poem - Just Me

Just Me

Hey you, stop looking at me like that

I don’t want you staring at me

Like I’m something I’m not.

Don’t go wasting those praises on me

I’m just living my life

As hard as it may be.

Don’t look at me like I’m your Savior

I’m just as clueless as you

Look at me, really see me.

I’m just a person, not your bloody hero.

I don’t have the time to live my life for you

I’m still trying to figure it out for me.

So don’t you dare look to me for the answers that you seek.

I don’t wanna be on a pedestal

Where I can’t reach the ground.

It’s way too high in the air for me

And I’m likely to fall, fall down.

So don’t look at me with those eyes

As though I’m one to worship.

I’m just as confused as anyone else

About the way this world revolves.

Check out this lil girl, PERFECT PITCH.

Pilaf and SOOO Lost!

Yes that is Rice-A-Roni I chose to put on my post. I am making it right now, it is my friend and the only rice pilaf, okay rice, I like. It is yummy. I thank my sister's friend Raz for making her a meal while visiting, that included this. She liked the meal so much she made it after he was gone and I was like "LAAAAAAAAA I LOVE THIS, LAAAAAAAA (kind of trumpet noises if you will)" and now it is a staple in our house, I eat it for meals which is what I am doing now. At the most I can eat a small bowl, but usually with my special dissected tummy, not even a bowl, so that means left over rice, which I WILL eat, butdefinitely not as good as FRESHLY made pilaf. Mmmmmm. Like 13 minutes and it will be ready for me. Mwahahaha!

Yes I am a bit happy right now. My parents would have let me sleep for more than 24 hours if they could have, but I was too worried that it would really mess up my sleep schedule and make it definite that I would sleep badly, so I got up after 15 hours of sleep. I KNOW that sounds decadent, but after 2 Days of being up, you split that in half and it is 7 1/2 hours of sleep for each night. Seriously stop laughing. I see you. THROUGH the screen. Like that creepy episode of Criminal Minds. Oooooohhhhh. Spooky. LOL. I was not able to watch ALL of Transformers last night, I did NOT remember it is 2 hours and 23 minutes, so I am SO sorry Shia, I will finish seeing you tonight, never fear. And I only have either 8 or 10 episodes left of Lost before I have rewatched all 4 seasons. Yay, I am SOOOO ready to see what happens next! WILL they return to the island (they better), ALL of them, is Locke REALLY dead and for GOOD,what about CLAIRE, what happened with the people left behind, is Gin REALLY dead, HOW can BEN return to the island when he said he could never go back...and so many more things I just can't get all written down!! LOL, Yes I AM a LOST fanatic!

I want to thank everyone for their nice comments about my poem. I was very unsure how it would be received. I DID write it while angry with a person who was supposed to be a friend and turned out to not be a very good/nice person, and tried to put it all on me, before admitting months later it was all on her, but still offered no apology. So I wrote it quite awhile ago, but was afraid it was no good, so I am very glad a lot of you liked it. If I COULD write music, I so would put a few of mine to song. Sometimes they seem like lyrics to me too. When I am sad or mad is when I can really write poetry. I have tried to write about happy times, but it SUCKS! There are rhymes going on and I sit there and I don't SEE it visually, the way I can with these. If I can't SEE a picture in my head when I read my own poem to myself, I scrap it. It means I don't even FEEL it, so I am not going to show anyone else something that I can't connect to.

Well my pilaf is ready, it is sitting on the coffee table all hot and ready to consume, so I bid you all a goodnight, while I go get my fill of soap operas and then SHIA. Riiiiiccceee-A-Roooonnniiii the San Francisccccoooooo TREAAAATTTTT!!

Poetry and Rants

Ehhh I am awake for over 30 hours again. It is partly my own fault this time. I got OCD about something and it really upset me, so tears were pouring, chest was all tight, and until I fixed it I could not rest or be okay. Anyway I have usually fallen asleep for a few hours from like 8 to midnight on these horrid days, but it did not happen this time...HOW RUDE!! See this is me...still awake!! Yes I am petulant. :)

I did go out to El Sombrero's with the fam, tried Quatro, which gives you mexican rice, beans, a chicken taco, a chicken chimichanga and a cheese enchilada. It was my first real chimichanga and mmmm it was good! Of course half my meal is in the fridge for my Dad to pick at. I HATE most left overs that need to be heated up. Casserole and our crockpot chicken are basically it, oh and pizza and rice pilaf. Mmmmmm!And my mom had the mariachi band play Feliz Navidad, she was like Christmas WAS just 2 weeks ago!LOL!It was very fun, I hated food AFTER because I ate too much, or too quick, but when my stomach stops being full, I will love it again! I need a Shia fix, so after I read all your new posts I am off to watch Transformers!!LOVE IT!!!

And here is a poem I wrote, let me know what you think!

I Thought

I thought you had my hand and back

That we would find the way together.

But I’m standing at the edge alone

With the wind pushing at me to fall.

I thought we gained strength from the other

But suddenly I find I am weak.

I thought I found a sister soul

A shelter for my heart.

But you tore through that so quickly

Like a twister in the night.

I trusted you with my secrets

And you used them to unleash my tears.

I thought we were helping the other make it up the ladder

Pulling on each other when we grew tired and scared.

But you released my hand and sent me tumbling

Back to the start, alone.

Falling Through

Okay saw "Fred Claus", so funny, I loved it. Humor was good, not crude or dumb, so I give it a thumbs up! We also decorated the tree (FINALLY) tonight. Kat was not there, the lil bimbo (in our family this IS an endearment) booked a gig and was gone til almost 9:30. I will try to take some pics of my most fave ornaments, and some I made when I was little later. That could be it's own POST...cool.

I worked on a poem today. Yeah I am "morose, melancholy and morbid" as my Mom said. But when I write, I write.

Falling Through

I keep falling through the cracks
losing my view of the light
trapped in a world of nightmares
only I can't seem to wake up
I curl myself into a lone ball
rocking back and forth in mental pain
covering my ears from the taunts and insults
which is useless as they come from within
Why was it so easy for me to fall?

So easy to slip through the cracks of the sidewalk
I can hear the sounds of loved ones far in the distance
but the voices seem to echo all around me
making me turn in circles, unsure of the way to follow
the tears burn tracks of acid down my face
my heart being crushed by the weight of a thousand bricks
forcing the breath from the lungs, making it impossible to breathe
it grows colder the longer I am trapped down here
and I feel naked as my entire body shudders
I can't help but feel this is my fault
that I did something to anger a higher power
it is so lonely down here, alone with only my brain
alone with my thoughts, such a dangerous combination
the light from the cracks has grown so faint
seeming harder to reach, farther away
I need the warmth of the light on my face...
So why am I forever trapped in the dark?

Just kind of an expression of how I feel right now. If it can ever be expressed really into words.

Poem - Hunger

Hunger

So Hungry to find a place to feel safe and welcome
Craving a connection of some manner, one that counts
Famished to feel anothers' hand when I blindly reach out
Starving to be accepted for the mess that is me
Ravenous for a friend who I can let go with
Wishing this great hunger could be met.

So Hungry to stop feeling so alone in a swarm
Craving the instinct to be what's expected
Famished to feel the blessings of those I admire
Starving to be whoever I was meant to be
Ravenous for the knowledge of where to go from here
Wishing the Hunger, wasn't so great.

by W.M.M.

Poems I Have Posted on Facebook

These are some of the poems I have posted so far on a Facebook group, for critiquing, to see if people think I might have some literary talent. Most of my poems tend to be on the dark side, as I suffer from multiple mental disorders, like depression, OCD, etc. It's not that I aim at dark poetry, it's just what ends up pouring out of me. I'm not sure I'm much of a writer, but have found a sense of release when I have written my idea of what poetry is. I can only hope that other people will like what I write or understand it. Some pieces will be older pieces, some will be quite new, as it is something I have taken up again in the last few months.

Enemy of Mine
Looking into the mirror I see my reflection
That girl on the other side makes me cringe in disgust
I slam my fists into the glass beating her hard
The broken shards slice into my hands like a hot knife through butter
I slide my blood soaked hands over that girl again and again
Trying to make her disappear using my life's blood
But the blood drips down the crushed glass slowly
Revealing that disgusting, pathetic creature once more
There's no running from her, no escape at all
She's always there, whining, crying, dying inside
She blindly begs for love, friendship and acceptance
Not getting it through her stupid mind, it'll never happen
She's too hard to love, too weak to accept, too shy to befriend
Why can't she get it through that thick skull, no one wants her?
She's too much to deal with, too sensitive to stand
She'll never be anything more than a weak little girl
So I continue to berate her and beat her over and again
Trying to teach her to accept the truth and move on
No one wants you here, it's time to move on
It's your own fault I can't stand you, just look you're a mess
Afraid of your own shadow, of the demons that live within
You're a sad waste of a girl and I want to be rid of you
You're ugly, no one wants you, take a hint and move on
The beatings will continue, I hate that you're here
The blood has kept dripping and I see we're both woozy
But I'll stand here waiting, until I can see you no more

Freak

If you’re a freak like me let me shake your hand,

It means you’re an original piece of hand-made art.

If you’re a freak like me let me shake your hand,

You’re not a carbon copy of an original masterpiece.

If you’re a freak like me let me shake your hand,

You let the wet clay slip through your fingers forming what you were meant to be.

If you’re a freak like me let me shake your hand,

You let the paintbrush stroke the canvas just so.

If you’re a freak like me let me shake your hand,

You mixed the paints together, until you created a new color.

If you’re a freak like me let me shake your hand,

You blended the charcoal with your fingers until an image appeared.

If you’re a freak like me let me shake your hand,

You cut balsa wood until it bore soft, clean curves.

If you’re a freak like me let me shake your hand,

You made being different something special again.

No More

Rip my heart out and fillet it like a fish
Squash my self-respect and spit on it like trash
Call me out on every stumble I make as I walk life's path
Then trash me for pointing out you have fallen too

Call me every name in the book to make yourself feel better
You already decided a long time ago you stood above me on a pedestal
You throw my faults into my face as if it were acid so you could burn me
But when I copy your moves, it's an insult never to be forgiven

You never think you talk down to me as if I were a dwarf to your giant
You never see that you pierce me like a voodoo doll with your words
You only see the view from your side of the castle
You never see that from my side there is a whole other world

You think of yourself as an angel and decided to paint me as the devil
Yet you ignore the sight of horns and a tail in your own reflection
You know all my secrets, and all the demons that haunt me forever
But you keep me at arms length, not willing to share anything of your true self

Your knowledge never stops you from hurling my demons at me with glee
But if I get too close to a demon of yours, you wail like the banshee you are
Acting as though you were the first ever to be cut to the quick
By a person you thought you could lean on, on your weakest days

You never think that your words blow the pieces of self-esteem I try to gather away
You never care that it takes me years to pick up those pieces one by one
The only thing on your mind is your own reflection and what hurts you
Your side of the castle must feel nice and safe and secure

Too bad you destroyed mine with your razor blade words

Hard Drive

Control Alt Delete

Get you outta my mind

Reboot my brain

There’s a virus inside

You tricked me when I first saw you

You went by another name

When I looked inside you

You wreaked havoc on my hard drive

So get out the anti-virus program

And let’s send you to the trash

I’m revamping my disk space

And now you have no place.

Live For the Night

Darkness falls

like dying embers.

Lightning frames

the dying day.

Stars appear

to break the stillness.

Daytime shadows

arrive to play.

Fearers of the sun

so bright.

Bask in the night

live for the night.

The darkened corners

mask their forms.

Stay away from light

stay in the night.

From dusk ‘til dawn

it’s their domain.

For fearers of

a brand new day.

Dark cloaked night

is the one chance to play.

So stay in the night

and bask in the night.

Stay away from the light

And live for the night.

Sidewalk Cracks

I’m still afraid to step on the sidewalk cracks
Afraid just one of those childhood fears will prove true
Afraid some spider will sit down beside me and blow me away
You laugh, you mock, but what do you really know?

Nursery rhymes, fairy tales, where do they really come from?
Origins are often unclear, and who’s to say there really was an Aesop?
Who’s to say fairy tales are safe and sound when written by the Grimm’s?
A name which means sinister and stories about trolls eating little girls.

I’m still afraid to look under my bed when it’s dark outside
Afraid just one of those monsters we feared as children is real
Afraid some gremlin or boogeyman will pull me under the bed and eat me whole
You laugh, you mock, but what do you really know?

Legends, folk tales, they all had to originate from something
The tooth fairy is something wonderful now, but who’s to say how she started?
Who’s to say she didn’t start as some deranged, murderous madwoman?
Hell bent on collecting baby teeth for her own personal collection?

You laugh, you mock, but what do you really know?
Do you want to stake your life on it? Just let me know.

The Hand

Tumbling towards the edge of insanity
Clawing at the speeding ground under my nails
Trying to catch hold and stop myself
From plummeting into that black abyss
I put out a hand in search of help
Which only speeds up my downward journey
I can feel fingertips that I’m just brushing
Tears of frustration run down my bruised face
If I could just get a grasp there could be hope
But I continue fumbling with the helping hand
I try to dig my heels into the earth with no luck
All I get for my troubles is bloodied and bruised feet
The overwhelming pain is crippling and too much to bear
I stretch my arm out further, my hand reaching out
Skin brushing skin, warmth barely grazing warmth
I slide closer and closer to the brink of despair
I use all the strength I have left in the reservoir of my very being
And catch hold of that hand, being saved just as the earth gives way under me
A warm strong hand that never lets go and holds on with infinite power
Healing the bruises and broken pieces I have incurred over a lifetime
Filling me with a sense of peace I’ve waited my entire life for
I stare down at the dwindling wreckage of what was,
something I had to endure
And now I look up to the owner of that hand and smile,
Knowing what was in store for me had made it all worth it.

Poem - Pretend to Be Busy

Pretend to be Busy

I always pretend to be busy as the social butterflies drift right past me
It’s not like they look my way or pay me any attention whatsoever
To feel though like an interloper in this life is excruciatingly painful
Feigning that I am unaffected by belonging nowhere is a white lie I allow myself
Embracing the fact that I am unseen however is not an option I can allow myself
When I feel so dispirited, If I’m not careful I think I could actually just fade away
Not a memory in anyone’s mind, not a someone to be mourned
You don’t mourn what you never knew existed, don’t remember what you never even forgot
It’s not that I never tried to fit in, I searched for an entry point high and low
Finding only a labyrinth of people’s backs turned to me, blocking me, my cries unheard
I tried to push my way through the crowd, only to be swatted away like a fly
So I sit alone and pretend to be busy and unaffected by life happening all around me
While inside I cry out for someone to find me before I fade away in the labyrinth completely