Hair Trauma...Code Red

Like I mentioned, things just aren't going my way, especially lately. Today we decided to do my hair. So I got my Beauty Salon self on and brought out the color and developer and my new mixing bowl and brush, etc. I mixed everything up and, first, DANG it stank. They don't sell those little essence oil things boxes contain. Second, I worried if the stuff was even mixed but I did it until it was totally mixed. My Mom added the goop and I sat in the chair for 25 minutes, getting all excited, that I figured out a color and how to get it on my head. It was like, so THERE Feria, for discontinuing my color! When my time was up I went and took a shower, and it took forever for the water to run clear. But I already knew it wasn't right. Scrubbing your head like that you pull strands out, and normally when I do it flaming red, the strands are thing orange red color. These were not. They were dark. Like, nothing happened or barely did dark.

I went downstairs already knowing I had failed. All I wanted was my HAIR to look right, be the one thing about me that would seem Merry. Nope. Katie dried it and they were all, it is a lovely color, so pretty. But I HATED it. I was auburn. Uhm I did not spend $47 on a hair color I have done with a BOX. That color I can go and buy and it is all good, the color I wanted was flaming red and this was not anywhere near my flaming red. This is the color swatch of the color I picked up at Sally's Beauty Supplies:

LOOKS like my flaming red color right?!!! Well this is not anything like what I got. THIS was what I got, actual pic too:

Do these two look anything alike to you?!! If you say yes, you need your eyes checked, and you need to take a class in color, like paint colors. NOT anything alike. And I used 2 bottles of color, just like I always have to, my hair is so thick. And I measured perfectly, so why the heck did I not get the color further up?! So I was enraged...but mostly I just wanted to cry. No one understood, I wanted bright merry red, not a dull auburn, I had the auburn ALL Fall! I needed this one thing. I knew I was going down to Sally's tomorrow to get something that would give me what I wanted, but it bothered me so much that I couldn't fix it tonight. I felt defeated. Then my Mom was like let me go look at the haircolors upstairs. We have various shades I have used or almost used over the last few years up there. But I was like, there is NO way I have Feria R75 up there, I would have noticed. My Mom found 2 boxes of R75. The last R75 I will ever see. She also knew I would do it myself that night if I had to, because I am an Obsessive Compulsive, so this was not going to leave my brain alone.

So we went through the process again, though since it was the box, my Mom just had to pour and smoosh in. I went and showered...again...I am so itchy from dry skin. I was worried because it looked brighter, but not the bright I am used to. My Mom says I am crazy. That my perception is skewed because I am down about everything. But it is close I THINK to my Merry red. The auburn might have made it a little darker is what I think. It is usually faded when I do my hair, and I had just colored it n hour and a half ago. No, I did not care if my hair fell out. I have done this before though people, so I knew my hair could handle being colored twice. So here is me now. I even plastered on a fake smile to look merrier. How'd I do? Do I LOOK Merry now? Look at my profile pic, admit it, it is a tad less flaming.

My Mom and I are stopping by Sally's tomorrow still, to show the clerk what I WANT my hair to look like next time, and have them tell us what we need from them to achieve it. Because my last seller from Amazon is all out, so R75 is indeed dead now. Oy. I told you nothing is going good or remotely easy lately.

Can you tell this one is a fake smile? I actually have the sorta dimple showing, so I think it looks genuine.

Trauma-rama

So last night was a bad night for me, had a nuclear meltdown, before, during and after, foolishly trying to color my hair on my own. The only thing I will say about the meltdown is, it was ugly, it hurt me, I lashed out, and it took a lot out of me and anyone else involved. It was not a good night, and I could not make myself get online to even check my email.

So, I got it into my OCD mind that my hair HAD to be dyed LAST night. Before I went grocery shopping I asked Sam, if she would color it for me if Mom was too busy. And she agreed , like I could have shopped quicker or eaten faster than I did! Oy! But I needed my hair re-dyed at the beginning of the month, and it was now the middle, so I was not about to wait any longer!

So I gathered my hair dye, crappy clothes and towels and went into the main bathroom. I figured I would need a big mirror to see what I am doing. But once my glasses come off, I cannot really see a thing! And I know how the dye usually feels in my hair, how saturated it feels and this was NOT happening. And as my Mom pointed out when I saw her later, my hair is so thick, when she dyes it for me she really works it in, and that my hair could probably use at least 1 1/2 boxes each time I dye it. So I waited the 25 minutes, feeling like I was going to throw some cookies and then crawled in the shower. I am trying the RED-red again, even though I don't feel it on the inside, I think the time of year is calling for some fierce color. Doing this bright shade, not only do I have to rinse until clear, I have to use their rinsing shampoo twice and then the conditioner, so it was like 45 minutes, and tiring. Wet it seemes okay. But I knew even then, I was never going to do my hair alone again, it was way too stressful! And then as it began to dry, it seemed pretty good, until I looked close in the mirror. It was all even for the most part, but that lil bit of hair around your ears, that isn't really even hair, it is like patch hair, was still light, light blondishy, from being bleached in the Florida sun, and as a professional hair tucker....okay I just always tuck my hair behind my ears, it's what I DO.

So I freaked, and dried my hair fully and broke out the spare box I am lucky enough to have, ans started the process all over. This time I used the kitchen sink and got soaked as the water went everywhere. I was so upset, I was just hoping, pleaseeeeee let it all be done and RED!! I decided as upset and tired as I was I was going to blow dry my hair to see if I got it all this time and hallelujah it was all fiery red! Even redder than the first time, so it is like my hair said, I am going to try and HELP you get happier, so here, BE red! I was worried later that it was too red, yet I really like it!!

So after all that trauma and drama, my hair is back to it's favorite color, flaming red!

Aghhhh...it was one of THOSE days. Everything was seemingly fine, then something STICKS in my head and I can't get it out, no matter how much I slam it into the fridge door, or walk into a doorway...repeatedly. I know it does NOT help that I have OCD, but it is just the fact that I have no control over my feelings lately, that I wanted this ONE thing, to go right. Something I should have control over. My hair.
I know, I know. What is so distressing about your hair Wendy? Well, it has kinda depressed me the last week or two, no pizazz! I am missing my flaming red color!! Sure it is still RED, but it is just not the same...and the brighter hue is so...ME! But I wanted to break up the monotony. So for fall I decided to do this deeper red, some of you have seen the pics...there is even one on this main page. And when I first did it, I liked it alot (NEVER as much as my flaming red of course!) but I did leave it in for an hour instead of the 25 minutes...yeah well we were doing SOMETHING important, me and my mom, and I was like....whatever, it's fine.

So my Mom re-did it for me tonight...well technically now it's last night...anyway, I hated it. It was dull and barely reddish and just DRAB. Usually when I first see it dry I smile, maybe even do a jig and giggle. I didn't even smile. So my brain started thinking....and wouldn't SHUT UP! It was all, what should I do? Should I go darker, because it is WAY lighter than last time...which was an accident but I Liked it at least, or should I do my RED-RED early even though I promised Sam I would do darker for fall, she likes it, don't ask me. So I searched haircolor websites, like Loreal, etc. And now I couldn't find my Feria R75, my flaming red color. And I started to panic. I couldn't stop myself. This ONE thing, my HAIR, I should be able to control, but I was LOST. And so I tried to get my Mom's opinion, but she is so sweet and nuetral..." I like the color it is now"....which is so NOT helpful when I am feeling the way I was. I wanted a definitive opinion...darker red or red-red....and she kept flip-flopping so I finally left, on the verge of tears. I still didn't know what to do...hated my hair though....and was scared they took my color away...no one else has this INTENSE a red!! I looked at ALL the major brands! So I took off to CVS and Walgreens (next door to eachother)...sure it was after 10 at night, but the problem with these OCD attacks is, once I am in the midst of one...until I resolve it in SOME way...I can't rest or be at peace. Plus my Mom had cut off an inchor so for me ( I want it all completely even again and my bangs...sides really are still shorter) and it was uneven...so I felt NOT good about myself. It felt like I needed to fix it SOMEHOW. So I thought if I went and looked at the boxes I could find a color close to my Feria one, in case even the Loreal store at a nearby mall doesn't carry it (discontinued!! No I hope NO!!), and decide what to do to fix....the ugly. So I went to CVS, and found the darker "richest deep auburn" and a red color that is at least RED.

I also stopped at Walgreens, but they have like NO selection. On my way home, I got called by Kat, apparently my Mom wasn't asleep like she was supposed to be, she had gone looking for me and when she couldn't find me, she got worried. I told her I had to fix this...tonight! It was just INGRAINED in my head. SO I get home and showed them what I got...and broke down in my Mom's arms. It was bad noisy sobs...I couldn't help it. She helped me decide that a) Sandy would fix the uneveness and then b) Sam and Kat would help me redo my hair (they could rinse in the sink so another shower wasn't neccessary and c) Katie would check the Loreal store for me on Wednesday, because she teaches a clas near it and d) I would do the deeper red for this month and decide about December later. And it felt so good, a decision. So my Mom went to sleep and Sam (Kat disappeared...she not doing so great either...school is overwhelming her) cut and redid my hair. She even dried it for me...wouldn't let me look. Until she said "LOOK" and I didn't. I was scared I would stil hate it...or it would be SO dark on me it'd look purple!! So I was like "no wait...how do you like it first?" and she said she really liked it, that it was darker but had more red in it, all sorts of shades of red. So I....fearfully....opened my eyes...and it is pretty! Under the lights it sparkles with all these shades of red...very fallish and MUCH better, and it was all even. I felt such a weight FALL from my shoulders. I hugged HERRRRRR!! I was SO relieved. Everything felt okay again.

I know most of you can't begin to understand, how something so simple, and something I am supposed to enjoy, could snowball into such angst and turmoil. It is just something that I have to live with. Sometimes talking it out, setting a plan for something...works, but sometimes it ends up NEEDING to be solved right at that moment. It is bad, this OCD stuff. Hard to live with, when it gets the better of you, and tonight it did. Sometimes I get the better of it, I say "no don't go there" and it can work...just not always...obviously. I gotta say, before I had OCD, I never could have fully grasped what it meant to BE ocd. It is a challenge, I struggle with it. But those days where I beat IT, feel good. I just have to remind myself, now, that there HAVE been times where I beat it...instead of it beating me.

Not the best light to take pictures...but it IS red. Don't worry, BY the new year, it will FLAME again!!