LONG Sunday

I never fell asleep Saturday night, which sucked of course. It also got me thinking (okay worrying) that this new med is just NOT worth it. When my Mom got up for church I was a wreck, I had wound up thinking so much, I was a ball of frayed nerves, so she stayed home from church to make a plan with me.

We talked about this med and how I felt about it. I was like, well around 4 pills a day, I thought okay thoughts aren't sticking in my brain as much, but I was only not sleeping 1 or 2 days at the max. Now I have trouble everynight, and don't feel much better, and am scared a lot. And then I asked my mom, a nurse and the one who notices ME the most, and she said "honestly I think it has not done much for you, you seem really depressed again and are so tired from not sleeping". And it is true, I am so scared of everything (getting that stomach thing again, worried I won't sleep, etc) that I am getting very depressed, and I am SO tired of not sleeping.

So we went online, and the med has insomnia and headaches ( a lot of these lately and I am a migraine and daily headache sufferer, so me complaining is big) as 2 of it's side effects. We looked for other mood stabilizers, which is not a lot of options. Either you will experience weight gain (not gonna happen, I did not go through the pain of THAT surgery for nothing, that would just increase my depression, I am already worrying about weight) or it is going to increase your blood sugars, so it is not exactly reccomended for us diabetics. So that is so frustrating. Plus my Mom is still not 100% convinced it is PLAIN Bipolar II. She says she finds that I have more of the lows of Bipolar than the manics, I do have some, but I tend to be the polar opposite (yeah that was a lame joke) more. Don't get me wrong, I HAVE mood swings, but looking around the net, there is more than bipolar I and II, there seems to be specific categories of other things. So it is confusing. Do you trust the doctor who says he thinks it is bipolar from the few tests he has given, or look elsewhere? I have no idea, even my wise Mom is not sure.

So we made our own plan of action. The doc told me to half my depression meds, from 2 pills a day to one, Mom has had me undo that, back to 2. She, (tells me now) never thought that was a good idea, she thinks I have done well on Celexa and it has never given me a bad side effect. Yeah I have dry mouth, but as a diabetic I am always thirsty anyway. And we have decided to work me back DOWN to only 4 pills a day of the Lamictal and try that for awhile. If my thoughts still stay calmer and my sleep goes back to normal, then we want me to stay on the dosage, and we plan on telling him what we want of course. But if the sleeplessness continues and my thoughts being THIS stuck continue, we want to try something else. Some of my friends on here have saidm you may have to try a lot of meds before you find the one right for you. And boy I am believeing that right now. Because when you are scared of your meds...I don't think that is good. We looked into Abilify as one to keep in mind if lessening the Lamictal does not work out. It looks like it may raise my sugars, but if it is not raised much, I am willing to try it. At least I have seen commercials for this drug, I had never even heard of Lamictal until the doc suggested it.

Well I was a bad Mormon too. I decided since I was wide awake and so depressed I wanted to get out of the house and DO something. I decided to grocery shop. And my Mom, thanks to her so much, went with me. I needed some Mom and me time, it is reassurring. Plus she has been hunting for shower curtains, so we stopped by Kohl's and Bed, Bath and Beyond. Found the one she had coveted but they did not have (I found it in the wrong section opened up and it was the only one, woot! Plus we picked one for the "girls" bathroom", ours was just so gross. Now we need one this is not just plain cloth, but NOT plastic, and Target and Walmart failed us during the week so BB+B was it, and we finally settled on a muted tone one with leaves and kept the cute lil Palm tree hooks Mom had found. It needs to be shortened but my mother was a seamstress so as soon as my Dad fixes her sew machine (the bellydancer broke it...again...KATE!!LOL) she can whip it off in like 4 minutes. Then we went food shopping, so that is done for the week. Let me tell you, the store was crazy, I think people who wait FOR Super Bowl Sunday to shop are crazy. Lucky for me, using that scanner thing and being able to bag as I go, we only waited in the checkout line for 5 minutes, I scan the ending scan, my stuff runs up the screen and viola, I pay and we are done. Now since we were on such a roll, my Mom had us put the new shower curtains up in the bathrooms, and I was still...not tired, and got all I HAVE to dust my room. I use baby powder every day so my room, even though I am careful gets real dusty and when I dust, I really dust. Every item is picked up and dusted completely with a wet rag before being placed back onto it's dusted off surface. And I have lots of small things, and I collect perfume and perfume bottles. The perfume bottles are anxiety inducing, as I love every one and they are so delicate. I wish I could blow glass and make such beauty. And this made my Mom so tired of the upstairs being unvacummed. This is Kat's floor and she has been promising to do this...yeah prepare for it...since last March. I mean I have done my own room at least once because this is just wrong. And then when she had a month off for Christmas, it was I SWEAR I will have it done in the next 2 days...yeah no. So when we got home from shopping and Sandy was so proud of the detailed vacm she had done in HER room, and that her carpet was maroon again, Katie could not hide anywhere. And yes it was Sunday, but an odd Sunday for sure. So she finally vacumed, even did my floor, as I was dusting, which took nme almost 2 hours, and then I vacumed my room, since she did do my floor (yeah okay my floor has way less carpet but still...besides I wanted a very meticulous job, and when you want that, you do it yourself!). Sandy also worked on the turkey dinner Dad wanted for Super Bowl, while Mom napped. After my shower, I started feeling drugged. I knew I would not last much longer, thankfully dinner was almost done. We ate together at the table and I set up my zone on the couch where I have fallen asleep and napped in front of the tv (it is like white noise to me) for like 6 hours on other nights when I haven't slept for 2 days. A drink, lip stuff, lotion, a cover, etc. And Dad went upstairs to his flat screen at 8pm and my Mom, sisters and I settled down to watch a Ghost Whisperer on dvd, and I saw the first 5 minutes and all of a sudden it was almist midnight, I was alone with Nickelodeon (hey good for sleeping at night, with Cosby's and stuff on, good white noise). I had to pee, dang my bladder! Because though I tried for the next hour and a half, sleep eluded me. So I laid there and watched tv for a few hours and then took my Ambien and slept through my Mom trying to get me up to go to my room (I was too comfy I remember that), unfortunately for me my Dad was there 45 minutes later and LOUD. I dragged myself upstairs and laid there...errrrrr. Finally I fell asleep for a few hours but woke up with a BAD headache, probably a migraine as my neck and jaw and eyes were in agony too, and no matter which way I turned, no sleep. I went seeking Tylenol and went back to bed, and laid there in agony, switching pillows, to see if I would sleep. Finally I must have but then I woke up, I set my clock, I wanted to watch House with my mom and sisters. Yes you are thinking, she slept on and off ALL day-day and is complaining of lack of sleep? But please try and remember, from when I got up Saturday to Sunday night, NO sleeping. And yes my sleep scedule is WAY off due to being a night owl AND the trouble with sleep lately, so I have been able to use the day to sleep, but this is bad. Not sleeping like this, and having trouble even on the days where eventually I finally fall asleep is the reason I am scared of my med. So here is to hoping the plan I set with my Mom will work for me.

Sorry it was long, but like I said in the title, it was a LONG Sunday.

Graveyards and Swings!!

Yes I was guilted! Guilted and/or conned! Around 5pm Katie went to my room and asked if I wanted to go to the Haunted Graveyard at Lake Compounce. I was like "No THANKS!", and she left. I decided to go downstairs and overheard both my sisters and Sandy asked Kat, "what did she say" and I answered for myself, " I said NO". And Sandy started on how it was gonna be SO fun, that they were getting the special passes to do the Graveyard AND go on the regular park rides and how it would be the SISTERS...yeah she IS good. I started feeling left out...do not get me wrong...I was freaking out at the thought of the Haunted Graveyard, but rides at NIGHT, and a night that was a Sisters night...yeah it got to me. But I was still reluctant. So Sandy and Katie started making promises. "We promise if you go, we will walk on either side of you the WHOLE Graveyard, and hold your hands, so it will be less scary. You won't EVER be left alone and we will be there to make sure you're okay", etc, etc...so what's a girl to do? I CAVED. It was like 45 degrees out so I put on a long tee, a tee, a sweater, a jacket, mittens, a scarf and my hat...it is COLD here...a cold front moved in...it's supposed to get down to 32 at night...that's officially freezing!
So we got there, bought our special tickets, and they made us PICK a time to go to the graveyard. It was 7, so we chose 10pm, since it was open til midnight, but the rides closed at 11. And we walked to the swings, MY FAVE RIDE!! And yeah...swinging high up in the air, with it being that cold...made it colder with that breeze going round and round, but it was so exhilarating and so cool at night! Sandy was frozen, but Katie and I went on again immediately! Then we convinced Sandy to go on the Rotor. I hadn't been on in years, but I used to think it was cool. You are in a round room, open ceiling, and you have to keep your feet and back against the wall, because it starts spinning SO fast and the floor disappears, and you are like splattered to the walls, the force is so intense. The operator told us not to freak out if we started falling doen the wall, the coats were causing this and no it had nothing to do with our weight...but I was NOT expecting to be one of the people falling DOWN. Plus I was kinda nauseous. Sandy HATED it, when I was slipping down she grabbed my hand but couldn't move, and I don't think she liked having NO control. She said "NO!!!" when Katie asked her if she wanted to go on again.LOL! So we went by Zoomerang, a roller coaster, and I saw their eyes gleam, so I was like Just Go...I will wait HERE. I HATE roller coasters! They have made me go on ones in the past, sure this one I wouldn't hate...they have been wrong ALL times...including the Zoomerang!! No I don't want to go on a ride that goes upside down multiple times!!And in the dark!! Uh...no!
So then we went on a kiddie ride, where you move the wood "sail" as you spin so you move back and forth...it was actually cute and really fun!LOL! Then we were a little famished, so Kat got a pretzel, Sam got glazed almonds and I had a churro. Mmmm so good. They wouldn't let me finish it though!! Sam was SARGE, and said Noooo, it will make you sick, you had a gastric bypass AND you are a diabetic. Mehmeh meh meh meh. So she took my churro and gave me Kat's pretzel...meanies!! So then we did the Pirate Ship...it was mostly fun, but my stomach kept going into my throat...and I felt kinda throw uppey...yeah I think it was the churro...SHUT IT Sam (not that either of them read my blog)!! And then we did the Twister...it used to be in the dark inside a dome...you couldn't SEE anything...but that turned out to be bad, when a worker got caught on the ride and was dragged and then slammed into the wall...and died....yeah. It's kinda like the Tea Cups in Disney World, but you are in this sphere with 3 other people and the whole ride spins you at an angle...so I was closing my eyes to keep my lunch down...I ended up enjoying the COLD breeze...it was pure Fall. So it stopped and everyone else got up...but our bars wouldn't go up...and we were yelling "Hello!! Mister?? We can't get out" like 5 times before he fially heard it and released us. Stupid ride! Then my sisters convinced me to TRY the Tunder and Lightning. Yeah look at it. Except also picture night, and this thing goes up WAY far. Oh Wendy it's just a BIG swing! Ahhhh. You sit in seats where you have to be strapped in because you will be like floorless! This thing takes you SO far up in the air...going backwards is kinda cool, you are so far up in the sky and see all the stars, but then you are FACING DOWN...and down is so far AWAY..and your butt kinda leaves the seat part and DOWNNNN you go...that made me scream every time...and Sandy's clos your eyes...nope...don't do that! So when we got off, I reluctantly admitted, okay that WAS kinda cool....okay one more time. And we did. Then we passed Boulder Dash, Voted World's #1 Wooden Coaster, and I was like...yeah you GO! And Sam gave me 10 bucks and told me to go play a game or two. So I went a lil further and found some games. Wow, pull a string and whatever that string says, you win that prize...yeah I picked small and have a tiny purple ape...fits in my fist. Then I did the pick 2 ducks and the total number (under the ducks) determines your prize. The guy showed me a duck (it had an 8!) and put it back in the circular moving pool and said go. Uhmmm I picked up the duck HE just put down...hello an 8!...and another, a 7, and that gets a X-large prize...the excitement lasted until I was given a blowfish the size of a cantaloupe...yeah JUMBO is the cool BIG prizes....rrrrrrr. The there was this Pong Ball challenge. $5 got you an entire bucket of ping pong balls and you get ONE in one of the floating cups in the 2 mini pools and you WIN a jumbo alligator...so I watched a kid maybe 12 do it first...and he did it, so I was like if he can, I can too....BLOODY heck!! I was wrong...so wrong...bloody bouncy ping pong balls!! Then all 3 of us did Whack A Mole...stupid guy won...and it was a cute purple teddy bear wearing a hoodie....I wanted one! So we waited for a HUGE bunch of guys to go first (like we coulda beat that many guys) and we got to go by ourselves and I WON!! Yes Sandy named him, he is Lord Byron. So we got hot chocolates and then went on the swing one more time before heading towards the haunted Graveyard...eeeeekk! The line was HUGE! So much for "picking" a time. We waited for like half an hour...and apparently the don't allow stuffed animals so I zipped Lord Byron inside my jacket...he was gonna help protect me!! So once we were allowed inside the castle, I unzipped my jacket enough so his head was out...watching my front. The hallways and trails proved too narrow so we held hands and Sandy or Katie led, and then one was behind me too. I actually did really good...but I am pretty sure I know why. It was SO crowded (last year we went at 7:30) that people were always in front of us AND behind us...so the actors as they call them, were scaring them and we saw it...sure there were a lot more, bu Sandy kept jerking and screaming, it kinda distracted me, AND they kept going after HER! They had changed things up, some new "houses", but it was so crowded it was hard to enjoy it...and this is supposed to last 45 minutes to an hour (it IS $17/person!), but we were out in 25 minutes...that was lame. And they had an op art room WITH a strobe light (no Scream killer though) and it was actually cool, and a swirling room where you had to single file across a bridge and you felt like you were going to fall. It was TRIPPY. So I am pretty sure, the sucky crowded throng...was why I was OKAY! LOL! Katie wants to go to some Manor next Friday, the scariest haunted house in New England....and I was like Not Gonna Happen...THE scariest....yeah...no.
It was 11 pm, so we decided to leave and have dinner at a Diner. We had hot chocolate and I had soup and grilled cheese...it was SO good...and warm!! We got home about 12:30 am...Maxie was so excited to see us! I had fun, I am so glad I didn't miss out on Sisters Night!!

How Can It be...?!

Okay, so I am the Queen of Horror movies, so it would make sense that I would LOVE to be scared right? SO Wrong. I thought that too. So when we lived in Florida, (for that whole 3 months) and we drove by this huge dark castle, with an open mouthed skull as it's door, called Skull Kingdom, I convinced my Mom to bring me. So my Mom and I, alone in Florida, decided to go there one afternoon. Who knew my MOM would be the brave one? At first it looked like we were going in a group of like 12, which was cool with me. I was getting a wee bit nervous. Then we were seperated somehow, and it was my Mom and I, and this guy and his like 12 year old son. And they managed to seperate US too. So it was just me and my Mom. This place is open year round so it is professional scariness. No cheap tactics, these were the really well thought out scary tactics.

This place is a few floors high and has so many rooms, I can't recall them all. And then there are the people, only you either thought they were fake, but they turned out real (NOT FUNNY!), or they all of a sudden were there even though you don't know how and are pointing at you with a scithe FORCING you into a certain direction/room. There was a room where you were in complete darkness, and I don't know if they were like boxing bags, but these moving things were hitting you and were close together, so you couldn't tell which direction to go. But there were PEOPLE in there too, because all of a sudden someone would be touching your hair or whispering in your ears, and they'd be laughing as you screamed. Then there was this dim "hallway". I put quotes because it was only like 12 inches wide. It turns out the walls were made of stretchy cloth, because people would all of a sudden be outlined trying to get to you or be squishing you between the two sides of the walls, and there was cackles and howls,etc. DiD I mention yet that I was clutching my Mom's hand so tight, we were sweating (our hands). Then there was the room that freaked me out the most. It was made totally with op art. That's what the picture I posted is, it's op art, which I like to make sometimes, but as a room, your eyes can't process it right so it kind of throws off your equilibrium, you feel like the room is spinning even though it's not, so you end up walking into things. And there were cutouts...and all of a sudden there he was, the killer from Scream popped up in one of the cut outs, and then he was in the room, with the knife. Now I told you what seeing the first one by myself did to me, and I guess that fear never really went away...not totally. Because I was screaming my ever-loving heart out. I NEEDED out, I was running, DRAGGING my Mom with me, my heart felt like it was about to explode out of my chest. I was shaking so hard, and he kept coming...until we were finally at an exit and then we were in for more chills (I didn't feel so much the thrills). Those are the rooms I can remember best. I knew after that, that I could NOT handle that sort of thing.

So guess what Katie, whose birthday is October 12th decided she wanted to do as a family for her birthday LAST year? The Haunted Graveyard at Lake Compounce. It's like 1 mile down the street from us, normally it is just a regular theme park, that is open from spring til about November 2nd. But in October they have a special feature. The Haunted Graveyard is a Mammoth Walk-through attraction featuring six haunted houses and a graveyard, all linked by a labyrinth of terrifying trails. I was scared witless, and of course it doesn't open until dark. But it was supposed to be me, my dad, my mom, Kate and Sammy. So, I was like 4 people and I can go behind 2 and have 2 behind me...or one on each side of me. But Katie and Sam got FAR ahead and disappeared. And my Mom wasn't psyched about this, but she was dealing and laughing, I was again, practically dragging her through this, with my Dad walking behind us, making scary noises and trying to scare us TOO! So I was leading us. They were really good, in some places they looked like the walls until they walked forward and stalked you (scary stalking guys!!), and they jumped out of everywhere, including ceilings and from under the ground!! And of course they have things that jump out or move, and fog machines and strobe lights. Corpses suddenly in front of you blocking your way out. And my heart is literally IN my throat. And did I mention I LIVE IN NEW ENGLAND, so It's freezing too, but I'm sweating like a pig. This is so not good for my tacchycardia. Those who don't know what it is, I have a heart rate that is too fast. Without my pills, I can have a resting heart rate of over 100 beats per minute, you should be at like 60 when it's your resting heart rate. So when I am scared or something, and maybe my pill is not working at it's best, or I need another one, my heart is going crazy, and the feeling is like a panic attack, only I was already having one from being scared...uhhh..SPITless. Ahhhhhhhh!! And then in one of the Houses, my dear old Dad, the bugger, says my name. This IS A mistake. Because all of a sudden my name is being whispered and screamed and cried EVERYWHERE! "Weeeennnnnnddddyyyy", "Where are you going Wendy", "I'm coming for you Wendy", and as we go further through the halls, more workers hear their friends calling my name so they know to DO IT TOO, so it never stopped for like 10 minutes until we were out of THAT house. And then there's rooms where everything's like backwards, and you come to the wall, only it was painted to look like the exit to the trails until the next house, so you have to feel along the walls until you feel empty space and suddenly someone's face is right in front of yours!! And they are grabbing at your jacket, so I'm pulling my parents along behind me. And the trails outside are no better. The trees of New England, I hated them that night. In one area there were so many trees and all of a sudden people in freaky masks would step out from behind them staring at you, while freaky music is blaring and you can barely see the trail in front of you, oh and pass that bush and someone grabs at your shoe. And a pile of leaves jumps up and runs towards you!! I was in HELL, cuz that's probably what Hell would be like for me. And you know because of the whole social anxiety thing, confined spaces are not my friend, so this was all like one confined house after another, and the outsides felt just as stifling. I was SHAKING like a leaf. Okay that's all my mind is letting me remember, I'm probably blocking some of it out. I know that when we finally got out and found my BLOODY SISTERS, who were laughing, I was as white as a sheet. Which is hard, since I am already so pale, I am almost see through!! And her birthday is in 2 days...I am very, VERY afraid. Her other choice last year was a haunted corn maze...people I have seen so many horror movies in cornfields, including Children of the Corn!! Corn fields are okay if you want to just do the maze, but PLEASE no scaring WENDY!!

How can I enjoy watching scary movies that scare me, but these things terrify me to the point of...uhh....insanity? I do not get it. I know it makes no sense. And how can Katie who can't watch horror movies, find it SO BLOODY FUN??!!! Help me...please never again!! And why does it feel like people would WANT me to go with them? Is it THAT fun to see someone so terrified?!! If so, you people are ALL sick, sick humans!